No Dates for Three Years…What to Do!?
Simple question here today. What’s WRONG with me!!? No, no, not ME, our requester. (Believe me, I know what’s wrong with ME.) She’s been re-singled for three years, and nothing. Nobody’s taking the bait. What gives? Let’s help her out, ladies, shall we?
Ok Jeff whats wrong with me!!! I have been single now for 3 years and no dates to speak of. I am a single mom, own my own home, work fulltime. I have been told I am good looking, but still 3 years and no dates. I even gave a guy my number yeah he called but wanted to sleep with me on the first date. i walked out!! What am I doing wrong, so tired of those attached people saying don’t look for it it will come, or you wont find it if you dont look for it….Finding myself very lonely, what to do?
Still single in CT
Dear SSiCT,
Well, I have a sneaking suspicion that you’re going to have a lot of excellent advice in the comments section from some of the ladies who are out there. And there are a couple of links in my blogroll that might be of interest to you as well. But you asked me, so it’s me you’ll get! Here are a couple of things to think about. First of all…
ALL THAT CRAP ADVICE FROM THOSE ATTACHED PEOPLE
Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks for all the, “It’ll happen when you’re not looking for it.” Yeah, thanks. Fine. Sure. Of course.
The thing about that advice is, well, it is of course semi-true. Hey, if you could find your Person just because you went looking…well, first of all, wherever that magical “Person Place” was would be mobbed. You’d never find a parking space, traffic would be backed up for miles, and all the good ones would be gone before you got to the front of the line anyway.
Lucky for us, dating is WAY harder than that. Ugh.
So, given that it doesn’t happen on command, or when you’re looking, and that a watched pot never boils, and a stitch in time gathers little to no moss, what to do? Here’s what I’d say. Take the pressure off.
No, no, hold on. I’m not saying what THEY’RE saying — that you shouldn’t look for it. Not exactly. What I’m saying is this:
LOOK FOR SOMETHING YOU CAN FIND
Don’t look for Mr. Right. Not because you don’t want him. And not because you’re trying to trick him into appearing by pretending you’re not looking for him. Don’t look for him because that’s not how you find HIM. But you can find other stuff.
So, instead, look for:
- Mr. I’m Bored and Want to Go Out to Dinner With Some Dude, Just for the Hell of it.
- Mr. I Can’t Believe I’m Going Out with THIS guy, but what am I, busy?
- Mr. Oh, that was actually fun. Once. Not twice, though.
- Mr. Kind of a doofus, but likes skiing, so what the hell?
What I’m suggesting is this. Set the DATING bar low. The “love” bar? Sure, that one you can set at full height. But that’s Love. This is DATING. Totally different.
LESSONS FROM COMEDY-ENJOY THE HELL GIGS
When you’re a comic, especially starting out, one thing is guaranteed. You are NOT going to be headlining any gigs that are going to resemble a Seinfeld concert anytime soon. No, no. You’ll be working in the crappiest, lousiest, most disheartening situations imaginable. It’s the worst. So, why do it?
- EXPERIENCE: You can only get better by doing it. A lot. Even in a less than ideal situation.
- REALITY: Nobody, and I mean NOBODY gets on Comedy Central by showing up there and refusing to play a lesser room. It might take a short time and it might take a long time. You don’t get to decide how much time. Your job is to get GOOD at it, not to get results. The good news is that nobody’s comedy story started out with, “And my first gig was an HBO special!” And nobody’s relationship story goes, “Well, I hadn’t had a date for three years, and then I met…HIM. And we were wed.” No. It’s just not how it goes.
- IT’S PERVERSELY FUN: Especially if you can share it with other people who are also “out there.” Being in a crappy situation with OTHER people who are also in the same boat…it’s fun. Comics love joking around before and after particularly hellish shows. Why? Because what else are you going to do? This is what it is. It’s hard. Sometimes it’s awful. Usually it’s hilarious.
- CHANGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS: You learn to go into situations as they ARE, and not how you fantasize they’re going to be. The most stressful thing about being ABOUT TO BE a comic is the fear, “What if I bomb onstage?” Well, once you’re a comic for about a week, you find out that there’s no “what if” about it. You’re going to bomb. And as a result…
- YOU LEARN THAT IT’S NOT FATAL: The coolest thing about a hell gig in standup — or a hell date — is that when it’s over, you’re not dead. And in that, you realize just what a total bad ass you were for braving it in the first place. Huge, huge lesson. Very freeing.
THIS IS YOUR GOOD NEWS, MAC?
Well, in a way, yes. I’m not saying, “Here’s how dating can be easy.” What I’m suggesting is, stop thinking it’s going to be easy. It’s actually difficult. Enjoy what a bad ass you are for even approaching it, and lower the bar a little. Go out on less-than-perfect dates with FAR-less-than-perfect mates. Just for a tune-up. Ask out some guy who is WAY out of your league for the sole purpose of getting turned down. Ask out some other guy who is WAY below your league, for an easy “Yes!” even though you know it’s likely going nowhere.
Why do all of this? Because you’ll be out there. You’ll become fearless. And when you DO accidentally meet your guy when you’re not looking, blah-blah-blah – you won’t be clinging to him as your only hope to keep from drowning. You’ll be able to meet him with open eyes, and you’ll know what you’ve got when you’ve got it.
And until then, don’t make dating the PERFECT GUY important at all. Too much pressure. Just put in some time out there. You’ll find who you find. But one thing’s for sure, you’re not going to find him at your house. If he was already there, well, you wouldn’t need to go looking for him.
What’s YOUR advice ladies? Did you get past this point? How’d you do it?
Posted: January 23rd, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Kay
Time January 23, 2009 at 10:14 am
I’m in pretty much the same boat as the requestor. I’ve been divorced 3 years, age 50. I’m pretty, in reasonable shape, have an excellent job, friends, interests, etc. I’m out a couple nights a week doing art – pottery classes and sculpture. I’ve been doing the on-line thing off and on over the 3 years, and recently decided to bag that whole scene due to how depressing it is for me. The low bar guys for me are the few that hit on my profile on-line. They are usually barely literate smokers. I’m willing to go out with Mr. What the hell it might be fun but isn’t going anywhere, but he won’t even return my email. It’s a tough world out there, and the requestor isn’t alone. I do have single friends who have a lot better luck than I do online. I have no idea what the difference is.
I don’t think it’s as easy as saying “just go on some throw-away dates”. Even the throw-away guys won’t answer my emails. (or they reply with “I just met someone and want to see where that goes”)
Comment from debra
Time January 23, 2009 at 10:23 am
Two words: Online Dating. Find a site you like, (I’ve tried 3, happen to like the one I am on now the best since it is more ‘self serve’) In the past year, I have met a lot of really interesting men, some good interesting, some just ‘hmmm, that was interesting’! Single Dads, guitar player, professional cyclist, CFO, runners, rock climber, kayaker, pianist…you get the picture. It is fascinating!!
If you want a new job, you go look for one. If you decide you want to move, you go look at houses/apts/whatever. If you want to date, go find men who want to date. Jeff is right: “It’s hard. Sometimes it’s awful. Usually it’s hilarious.” If you want to date, go date!Have fun!
Comment from Angie
Time January 23, 2009 at 1:05 pm
And also look at yourself REALLY well. No, I don’t mean in the mirror! Even though, if that’s what you want to do, knock yourself out! What I mean is, how are you coming across to others? Needy? Desperate? Sad? with baggage? Or are you coming off as “everything’s cool, I can take it or leave it, and I’m just enjoying myself right about now?” We all have issues, fears, challenges, and baggage to some degree….but we shouldn’t want a “perfect guy” who truly is pretty far from perfect (just like us) to fix it for us. They can’t. It’s impossible. As a matter of fact, that’ll probably just bring more frustration to your life, when you find out he doesn’t meet all your expectations. As for me, I asked myself all these questions and found that I WAS being needy and desperate, even though I was trying to hide it. (I don’t like waiting a day for a return phone call, for example.) I tried to put myself in the guy’s shoes. Does he work all the time? (Yes) Is he sick? (Yes) Does he probably want some down time? (Yes, again.) So, I figured he’d call if and when he was ready/interested and, lo and behold, he called the day after. AND, he said he thought it was cool how I didn’t freak out when he didn’t return my phone call right away like some of his needy friends do. It was a big lesson for me in learning to try to picture things from “their” side. Now, I’m not saying put up with things you don’t want to, just figure out what’s really worth letting go. Another thing I figured out was that as much as I thought I wanted to date, when the guy I was interested in tried to get closer, I pushed him away. Some serious fears in there about being let down, trusting the wrong person again, etc… My heavy two cents’ worth. I, by the way, divorced almost 5 years ago, and still haven’t dated. I’m pretty certain some of the guys were interested, but I made it very clear I was not interested in dating. Kinda hard to take that back now that I AM interested. I hope you didn’t make the same mistake. So, now I’ve got some work to do. If you haven’t bought JeffMac’s book yet, I would strongly encourage you to do so. It will help you understand the guys better. I kid you not when I say things have changed for me for the better since. Best of luck.
Comment from Scarlet
Time January 23, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I am back in the dating game as of last month (Divorce) and have been getting everyone that I know and like to introduce me to guys they know and like. Even if friends are far away, I am asking them too, you know the whole degrees of separation thing. Now it is getting exciting as the chance of meeting so many new people is beginning to materialize. I checked the online dating sites and couldn’t bring myself to sign up. I guess I am old school.
Good luck and don’t give up. Ask everybody you can seriously it works.
Comment from Sassy
Time January 23, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Just to follow up. The guy I’m dating (almost a year now!) was just a social friend. I liked him, but he was more interested in the “friend” thing. I didn’t let that get me down and just kept the lines open, even when he was dating a mutual friend who was nice.
When that happened I said to myself that he just wasn’t my guy and that I’m glad to have a nice friend. Time marched on, I dated someone, he and the girl broke up and lo–and behold–we were finally both at the same place at the same time.
Moral of the story: don’t give up, don’t lock yourself away, don’t think you have to fall in big love tomorrow. Live life.
Comment from Susan
Time January 23, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Everyone’s advice here is right on! Jeff, this is a great post – realistic, but in a realistically good way.
Mmm-huh?
What I mean is, yes, dating is HARD at times. And funny. And sad. And freakin’ annoying when you see others getting dates and you aren’t. I know – I’ve been there, done that. I did it for 6 years post-divorce. But don’t give up. Like all of the good advice everyone else has shared I would add, just keep opening yourself up to new experiences and socialize — whether it seems that romantic connections/opportunities are there or not. (And I guarantee you’ll make connections that way…which COULD lead to something.)
Case in point: I started a blog 2 years ago for many reasons, but I found it a great outlet to write about dating. The highs, the lows, the no-gos. And, would you believe that the way I met my BF was because of my blog — one of his friend’s belonged to the local bloggers network (like I did). One day I jokingly asked my fellow blogger if he had any single friends he could introduce me to?
Yep, a connection was born and 7 months later it’s going strong.
I don’t mean that to be one of the annoying attached, but keep going. And, remember most of all to treat yourself exactly as your Dream Guy would.
Comment from Susan
Time January 23, 2009 at 7:05 pm
One other thought to Single in CT: there are some great single mom/single dad blogs I visit regularly. They might be helpful and a source of support — even just knowing that you’re not alone! If you’d like some suggestions in addition to Jeff’s links, I’d be happy to share them.
Best,
Susan
Comment from Ann Wesley Hardin
Time January 23, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Alot of guys will want to sleep with you on the first date. It’s not necessarily a bad thing! In the two years I’ve been out of a twenty year marriage, every guy I’ve slept with on a first date (no more than two…or three. Maybe four. Five? I forget) has turned into a long-term or semi long-term thing. What broke us up was me not being able to be totally myself/in the moment/committed/emotionally available…the list goes on.
What I’m saying here is: the common denominator in all my dating failures was ME. It’s a bitter pill.
The guys were great…mostly. Varying levels of emotional maturity, blah blah. But men, on the whole (no matter how screwed up they are when they meet you) are attracted to and stay with, emotionally healthy women. Why? Because we are the emotional experts and men look to us for guidance in that arena.
So, my advice to you would be to get emotionally healthy. Find YOU, KNOW YOU and your boundaries, and make YOU happy. You are the best lover you will ever have.
There’s no man on earth who can resist that!
Comment from GracieB
Time January 24, 2009 at 1:36 am
Wow, obi-jeff was right. This question received the most verbiage yet. My two small cents (sense?).
It’s luck. And it’s different when you’re older. Things just aren’t the same as back in the day. A lot of the advice in the culture gives the message that you have control where you don’t, i.e “do this and this with yourself, and then this will happen to you, to him. etc.”
Bullocks. It’s blind luck and some of us have missed the boat and that’s just the way it is.
Comment from Ann Wesley Hardin
Time January 24, 2009 at 7:54 pm
I don’t agree GracieB. It’s not blind at all. We make our own luck with our attitudes. Sure, there are alot of random variables, but when it comes down to the wire, we attract the relationships we want by showing others who we truly are.
Comment from hunter
Time January 25, 2009 at 3:39 am
hhmmm, hhmmm, Susan has a very pretty smile!..
Comment from GracieB
Time January 25, 2009 at 10:31 pm
AWH: Yeah, law of attraction, etc. I hear you. But really? It all sounds like women trying to gain control over the feelings of men in order to feel a certain way about themselves via male attention. Maybe that works temporarily when you’re twenty but I think Jeff has made it clear, to me at least, that there just isn’t that much going on over there and women are trying to find complex accounts of male behavior, not because they really want to know the truth but because they want to find a way to control whether or not someone wants them.
Comment from AnneZ
Time January 26, 2009 at 10:36 am
Have to weigh in on the luck debate. We can do a lot to make our odds better, but luck is never excised from the rule book. Plenty of emotionally unhealthy men have wonderful men devoted to them. Plenty of mean women have good men devoted to them. Men have the same complaint about women–rotten guys with good women attached. Yes, there’s plenty of inexplicable randomness in life. Otherwise known as “life ain’t fair.” Romance is not excluded from this rule.
Comment from AnneZ
Time January 26, 2009 at 10:40 am
And here I thought I proofread. Up there it should read, “Plenty of emotionally unhealthy WOMEN have wonderful men devoted to them.”
While I’m here I might as well add that if you adhere strictly to the “no such thing as luck” philosophy, you can find yourself self-flagellating or seeking inappropriate role models. Just because a woman attracts men by no means signals that she’s emotionally healthy!
Comment from GracieB
Time January 26, 2009 at 9:27 pm
AnneZ is my favorite!
Comment from hunter
Time January 26, 2009 at 10:54 pm
“rotten guys with good women attached,” hhhhmmh.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time January 26, 2009 at 11:41 pm
Dear Ms.GracieB,
!Second commotion re-Ms. AnneZ!
Besdes that…it’s true [no cause 2fret] what she writes about… “Plenty of emotionally unhealthy men have wonderful men devoted to them”.
Also, hunterdear, true= re-”rotten guys”.
Nonetheless, onward w/Cheers!
Comment from Ann Wesley Hardin
Time January 28, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Yeah, but see, I think those “wonderful” men who are so devoted to “unhealthy” women, aren’t so healthy themselves. It’s called co-dependency.
Comment from hunter
Time January 29, 2009 at 7:19 pm
I agree with Ann Wesley Hardin. So, my next question is, what percentage of the population is this way? I was told 65% is in need of some kind of therapy.
Comment from Janis
Time February 2, 2009 at 6:36 am
Get to know yourself: what you like, dislike, want , do not want. Decide what makes you happy/unhappy.
When you know who you are and what makes you happy and you start DOING everything that makes you happy and make your life fun, you will meet and make friends of like mind.
Friendships can grow into the most wonderful relationships without pressure or rules – just fun and acceptance.
But you have to get out there and do what you love doing…..
Comment from MAUEEN
Time April 22, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Have faith in the unexpected nature of life. Unexpected good stuff is waiting to happen to you and you don’t know it yet. “Give thanks for unknown blessings yet to come”..a native Indian proverb i read somewhere. I know it is very hard when you are feeling low and discouraged and hopeless, like nothings happening for you. It is. I have seen numerous friends of mine, single and looking who have found great guys and love when thet were not expecting it or had given up. Anyway, don’t give up, ever. Enjoy life, be your own best friend and wait and see.
Comment from Sassy
Time January 23, 2009 at 7:21 am
My advice: have fun. I think Jeff has it right on. Do it, and do it again. One of my friends calls this “the numbers game.”
Get out there. Do stuff. Ask everyone, and I mean everyone, if they know a nice single guy in your age range. Accept a date from anyone who isn’t a complete idiot–you might make some friends.
Look for places where guys are. Don’t take a water aerobics class where there are only middle-aged ladies (like me!)–although you could ask all of them if they know someone. Try something like tennis lessons or woodworking class.
Look into MeetUp.com in your area. Volunteer. Be good to yourself. Hell, date yourself. That means treating yourself as a good date would treat you. Go out to eat. See the movie you don’t want to miss.
Good luck! Have fun.