What About When HE Brings Up Marriage Too Soon?
Here’s a new one. Lynne is wondering what’s going on when a guy asks if you want to get married…in the future? Like…ever? I guess that’s the question. And TWO younger guys have asked virtually the same thing recently. What gives? Oh, I’ll TELL you what gives, people. But first, Lynne’s question:
What does it mean/how to respond when a man asks you if you want to get married in the future (quite early on in dating)? I have had two, admittedly younger, men ask me this recently and I didn’t quite know how to handle it. I would like to, in the future, with the right person… but. I am in my early 30s. Thanks!
Dear Lynne,
Let’s take the second part first: How to respond? Methinks that what you just told ME is perfectly fine. As in, “Well, sure, I’d like to at some point in the future, when the situation’s right.” Nothing wrong with that.
I’d say what you might not want to do is to jump out of your seat, start crying tears of joy, and saying, “I ACCEPT!!!” Might be overkill.
What makes me crack up a little about this one is that usually it’s men who are wondering how to deal with insanely loaded questions from women. So, Lynne, welcome to OUR world, ha. But onto the more complex question:
WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT, JEFFIE?
In other, non-Alfie related terms, what does it MEAN when he asks that? Well, it seems to me that there are only a few possibilities, and really it comes down to this. Either:
- …he wants to gauge where YOU’RE at with marriage. Why might he do this? Well, some women in their early 30s are maybe not quite so, “Eh, maybe someday” about marriage as you are. If these guys are younger, it could be that they might assume that the clock is ticking for you, and they’re attempting to suss out just how cuckoo for cocoapuffs you are about getting married, like, yesterday.
- …he wants to see if you’re where HE’s at with marriage. I suppose it’s possible that these guys have designs on getting married sooner rather than later, and are just fishing around to see if you’re with them on that.
It’s hard to say which without knowing more about their behavior before, during, and after the question. I’d say that, in general, the first option is more likely than the second. Especially given that it’s happened twice in a row. But who knows? In fact, there could be a third option:
- …he’s just making conversation, and doesn’t realize how loaded this question is. Yeah, sadly enough, that could absolutely be it. A guy who asks this might just not know that you don’t just ask this of someone who you’re on a date with.
HOW TO RESPOND PART DEUX
I think the main thing in responding is not to try to read into this, because you just don’t know how. There IS no way to do that. If it were me, I’d probably make some flirty little joke along the lines of, “You mean, like, later tonight…or….?” or, I don’t know, maybe, “Why, who wants to know?” Just to acknowledge that:
- This is a ridiculously big question to be throwing out there in this situation.
- You’re not taking it too seriously.
- You’re not bolting from the table in terror.
- Let’s keep it light and have fun with it, either way.
This way, you two can joke around a little — and in the process, he’ll likely feel compelled to say, “No, no, what I MEAN is…” and then he’ll tell you exactly what he meant.
Good luck, Lynne!
Ever get this question, ladies? What do you think it means, and how did you respond?
Posted: January 30th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from hunter
Time February 1, 2009 at 4:49 am
Hi MMag!
Comment from hunter
Time February 1, 2009 at 4:51 am
If Lynne has to ask this question, she doesn’t like this man. He must be the very aggressive type that is all over her.
Comment from Charlotte
Time February 1, 2009 at 10:05 am
No question here but I just had to write to gush about how much I loved your book!
Brilliant!
Genius!
Hysterically funny!
I think I now have a far better understanding of male behavior than I ever have before.
This is excellent news!
This makes me very hopeful for the future and that I may begin to actually be able to relate to men better and understand them.
I’ve read tons of crap relationship books that never did the job.
Yours, straight forward, honest and incredibly humorous, did the trick.
I’ll be recommending this book to all of my girlfriends!
Thanks-
Charlotte
Comment from mmagnolia
Time February 1, 2009 at 3:12 pm
hDear!
Overlooked such; Ditto + Ditto!
……P’haps Ms.Lynne is *playing* Theguys, as p’ssbly TheyR—-Her!
……P’haps also [woe!] TheGuys Rtempting 2say what *They* think DearLynne wants 2hear! Yes, Siree: both genderFolks are capable of That!
Cheers + Go Cardinals!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time February 1, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Grid Clarity… Dear2Dears,
Steelers prf’d…but Cardinals going-going!
Comment from hunter
Time February 1, 2009 at 11:08 pm
I find nothing wrong with play time, if that is what is going on. But, why write in for help?
Comment from Lynne
Time February 2, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Umm, I wasn’t playing at all… there is this weird idea current in some circles that just because a woman dates a younger guy all she is after is “play.” I just think it’s odd on the fourth date or so to be asked about marriage. And I was really into both of the guys and both “relationships” blew up in my face. So I asked for some advice.
Comment from hunter
Time February 2, 2009 at 9:38 pm
I didn’t think you were playing.
Either you are a beautiful woman and if this man doesn’t marry you, he knows someone else will.
Or, the man knows enough about relationships, that, he has to mention marriage, or, he knows you will not stay.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time February 4, 2009 at 12:41 am
My oh My, Dears!
Methought = “it’s odd” to refrain from asking ANY question on ANY essential issue [e.g., "marriage"] on the FIRST date!
If *date* = getting to know all about, why not! take the shortest road. Hearing the *wrong* answer trumps spinnng wheels, no traction.
Friend hunter’s point re-”has to mention marriage” is best evidence of wheels being spun. Of course! No such handiwork cast onto such as U, Dearh.
…….PeaceOut!
Comment from Sue
Time November 10, 2009 at 2:45 am
I had this happen to me a couple times too. Honestly it scared the hell out of me.. because it’s soo early on and you hardly know the person and also its coming from a male. I can’t get used to it. Anyways, what I have figure out is that…
A) He’s trying to get into your pants
B) He’s genuinely interested in you and wants to see if you are going to have some long-term stay
It really depends on how he behaves afterwards. Is he making the steps to be apart of your life and your future?
Comment from mmagnolia
Time November 13, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Dear Ms. Sue!
You pinched The Root fabulously!
“It really depends on how he behaves afterwards…(whether) making the steps to be a part of your life and your future”.
Your advice makes it easy to “figure out” intentions of any *Him*
Enjoy every Happy Return of Figuring!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time January 30, 2009 at 11:43 pm
Howdy, Dear Lynne,
… Aha… Are we the onlyOnes n-o-t prepping for the Big Sunday Platter!
Simply: A-s-k any Him “exactly” what He means: Take a cue from stuff such as *9/11* and Katrina. Don’t die wondering when an answer is at the palm.
Per JMdear, spill your response based on what YOU want—which may Rmay not! equal His *want*.
Scratch His Bottom [puns, intended]!
Life can be short; here’s An Absolute:
For us humans to reach for the best parts of *romancing* another human, there really isn’t a time “quite early” (whew! that’s like using the word “suck” to mean a negative; lovers & babies disagree!)
Yep…the olde BeMine/AmYours usually is called marriage. Being shady about IT is pointless! There’s no cure in shying away. If U have an absolute aversion, You should share that w/anyHim.
On HisPart…LaLaLa….even if He fumbles by The Lie, that’s An Answer.
There’s a movie [Hallmark?] titled “Taking a chance on Love”; give it a glance.
Best2U, w/Happy Valentine moments!