Why Does He Feel the Need to Hide Things…?
A reader named J is engaged to a guy who is, it seems, a very, VERY secretive guy. Even his guy friend says so. And his friend is, like, awesome at telling who’s secret and who isn’t. Well…at least that’s how I’m picturing him.
He keeps a VERY tight leash on any and all personal info that J hears. (And if anyone cares, I’m currently picturing THIS guy in a ninja uniform, sneaking through the house from shadow to shadow.) Why might he do this? First, let’s see what our ninja friend is doing, and then take it from there.
Why do men never tell you the whole truth and keep things from you? My fiance is very private, to the extent that he’ll get a text when I’m sitting right next to him and he’ll read the message but make sure I can’t see the phone, even if its just from a friend of his!
Hm. I see two problems a-brewing. One, the fact that he feels the need to hide his phone from you. And two, why are you trying to see who is texting him? Could it be, El Guapo, that you are angry about something else, and are taking it out on his current behavior?
I’ve caught him sending dodgy texts to girls before about 3 years ago…
Ah. There we go.
…and check on him everynow and then…
Uh…in what way? Like random urine testing for athletes? Do you, every so often, do a quick audit of his phone?
…but I don’t think he shits where he eats anymore. We have been together 4 and a half years. He’s always been secretive though, which is why I started snooping as I had a gut instinct and found I was right.
Which — just to be clear — doesn’t really justify the snooping. I mean, it justifies LEAVING, sure. But snooping through his private stuff? That gets you into a very grey area of trust. Like, deep, dark charcoal-grey, verging on not-grey-at-all-anymore.
My instinct tells me now that hes not doing it anymore but I wonder why he has to hide things? I know he doesnt tell me the full truth, even about normal day to day things. (many talks with his male friend about this, he finds it weird too). What do you think?
Dear J,
Ok, here’s the thing. This is not about his privacy. That’s related to the problem, but it’s not the whole story. The two of you have, it seems, a bigger problem than this behavior:
You don’t trust each other. And with good reason, on both sides.
Yep, you don’t trust him because you busted him writing “dodgy” texts, which may or may not have included cheating? I still can’t quite make out the details of what he did. And he doesn’t trust you because you snooped on him, and continue to do so.
So, what to do? I just wrote a really long draft of this, but I’m going to cut it down because this isn’t a complex issue. It’s really pretty simple (though probably not easy.) Here’s what seems to be happening.
HIM: CLOSED VS. LOCKED
It seems that you’re looking at what I would think of as “locked” door behavior. Here’s the difference between the two.
- A closed door says, “Whatever is in here is private, and I trust that you’ll respect that.“
- A locked door says, “Whatever is in here, you are not allowed to see it, and I don’t trust you enough to just leave it closed.”
Now, is it because he’s doing something bad? Could be. I don’t know. Is it because you’re snooping on him and talking with his friend behind his back about him? Again, who knows? By his behavior, either could be true.
Now, what about your side of things?
YOU: ASKING VS. SPYING
- Asking says, “I trust you enough that if I make my concerns known, you’ll tell me the truth.“
- Spying says, “I don’t trust you, AND I don’t even trust that you’ll be honest with me if I ask.“
These are big issues, J. And this problem’s not going ANYwhere until you both address what you’re doing.
I see this as a two step solution.
STEP ONE: EVERYBODY ADMITS EVERYTHING
It’s “cards on the table” time, J. It’s time to say, “Ok, something ain’t right here. We obviously don’t trust each other, and we’ve both given each other reason NOT to in the past. Is that what we want when we’re married, until death do us part?” And try not to be defensive about your part. This step isn’t about who’s right and wrong. This is about getting him to tell you why he’s doing what he does. You did your part, he did his, and let’s get it all out there, just barfed out all over the place. Messy, but at least we’ll know what’s what. Get it all out on the table, and see where you stand. But don’t barf on the table itself. That’s unsanitary.
STEP TWO: IF EVERYONE ISN’T SATISFIED…SEE YA!
There’s no way around that part. Look, if you have a real, full, complete conversation about this, and everybody says everything that they need to say…and you STILL can’t trust him enough not to snoop on him, just go. Because I’ll tell you this much: You know what snooping will NOT do? Prevent a cheater from cheating. Like, not even for a second. No cheater will stay faithful just because you caught him texting. Not a chance.
But you know what the snooping MIGHT do? Make a non-cheater leave. Totally.
I’m not trying to blame you for this. Clearly, he was doing some questionable stuff. And then so were you. It’s what happens next that’s important.
What do you think J’s next move is, ladies?
Posted: February 2nd, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from AnneZ
Time February 2, 2009 at 9:10 am
Well, here I go missing words again. Which turns out is better than missing syllables. (See previous gaffe)
Should be something like “notwithstanding” or “in spite of” up there, just before the word “protestations.” Sigh.
And I do wish J luck with this.
Comment from debra
Time February 2, 2009 at 9:25 am
You said “I know he doesnt tell me the full truth, even about normal day to day things”…..this is a big red flag. If he’s going to lie about who put an empty milk carton back in the fridge (or whatever other insignificant day to day stuff he lies about) there is no way you are ever going to be able to trust him when big things come up. Listen to your gut, you don’t deserve to be married to someone you will never trust, and likely, therefore, never respect.
Comment from Susan
Time February 2, 2009 at 9:49 am
I’m with Debra – red flags waving everywhere! Try the talk and if it doesn’t work, say good bye. 4+ years of that must be exhausting at the very least… and that’s just a preview of what the rest of life would be like if you decided to stay together. No thanks.
Comment from Sassy
Time February 2, 2009 at 9:49 am
Wow. A relationship with no trust. That would make me stop the marriage plans immediately. Things that are happening now won’t just stop with marriage. Whether that’s snooping or lying, I feel like there is an underlying problem. If he sent dodgy texts 3 years ago, he is capable of doing it again. Remember, past behavior is a good indicator or future behavior.
Comment from Sassy
Time February 2, 2009 at 12:26 pm
My mistake. Should read “past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior.”
Comment from Bloomsbury Bell
Time February 2, 2009 at 9:53 pm
When I read that he lies about day-to-day stuff, this made me think of my ex husband who told lies for absolutely no reason anyone could ever figure out. He would say he had lunch with George when he really had lunch with Bill, even though no one had asked him a darn thing about lunch or had anything against Bill. Or he would say he took such and such a street to get somewhere, when he really took a different one. He might even say he had worn a red shirt when he had actually worn blue. Lies where there was nothing to gain and nothing that really seemed like it needed hiding. I agree this is a huge red flag–it was a while before I figured out how disturbed he was and got him some help and me some distance.
Comment from Sian
Time February 3, 2009 at 1:13 am
The courtship days…. the excitement of exploring a new persion ( relationship)…are usually the best times of any couple dynamic…think of it as the pinnacle.
This is the best you will realise in a relationship….prior to the in law problems, the mortgage, the chaos of daily life, illness, kids…….it is often the exhilaration and trust in the early heady days that get all couples through the mundane in the life that ensues.
So, what you have in the dating stage is indicative of what is to follow..but crancked down a notch or two…
Run, run as fast as you can…………
Comment from Shelby
Time February 3, 2009 at 12:06 pm
I like the statement Jeff made regarding Spying v/s Asking; Closed v/s Locked. It’s the truth. Thing is, my fiance was talking to his ex a couple of months before he proposed. Of course I flipped, but thing is once we got everything out on the table I realized that it was partly my own behavior that was causing him to feel worried about trusting ME. Plus, there were other factors involved; his unemployment, feeling like he couldn’t give his all being unemployed, etc., which lead to his considering going back to his ex just for a place to crash until he got on his feet and could get his life together. Of course this isn’t your situation, but it’s basically the same situation regarding him keeping communication with ex’s and not telling me. Once we got it all out though, he vented his concerns about MY ex’s, everything. It really made a world of difference and now the relationship is like new. And we’re engaged. If you can get the cards out like Jeff describes here, it will truly make the difference. I was in the same position and was feeling like he was hiding something. He was talking to the ex; my gut feeling was right. But it wasn’t HER that was the issue; it was that he had issues other than that and once those issues were addressed and handled, the relationship became stronger and more open in communication. I hope you and your fiance deal with your situations and can come out of this as mine and I did. (Thanks for all your help again, Jeff!!)
Comment from The Seductress Within
Time February 3, 2009 at 1:46 pm
As Jeff said, the issue is trust. Without it, the relationship has no legs to stand on.
No matter how it started or who is more to blame is irrelevant.
Please resolve this one way or another before you marry.
The two of you may not be a match.
Comment from hmgfiae
Time February 11, 2009 at 11:27 pm
ahah, I definitely enjoy reading your blog, it’s really fun 
And I’d say that being secretive doesn’t mean you’re liking, and it doesn’t mean that you are hiding anything either. there’s a line between not sharing things openly and hiding them.
Comment from J
Time February 22, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Thanks for all your comments guys, Bloomsbury Bell your message sounds really eerily familar! Sounds like we need to work on our trust issues!
Comment from J
Time February 22, 2009 at 8:01 pm
I mean we as in my fiance and me, not Bloomsbury Bell and me lol.
Comment from AnneZ
Time February 2, 2009 at 9:06 am
I’ve never understood the attraction of snooping. If things are that bad, it’s time to make some serious decisions. Jeff presents a nice plan for moving forward from this rat’s nest you’re in, giving both parties a chance to detangle.
I have a suspicion, though, that nothing much is going to change at this household. Both parties seem very comfortable with the status quo. He really doesn’t mind she checks up on him or he would already have done something about it and protestations to the contrary, vice versa.