Comments on: Why Does He Feel the Need to Hide Things…?

By: J

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 01:01:01 +0000

I mean we as in my fiance and me, not Bloomsbury Bell and me lol.

By: J

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 00:53:38 +0000

Thanks for all your comments guys, Bloomsbury Bell your message sounds really eerily familar! Sounds like we need to work on our trust issues!

By: hmgfiae

hmgfiae — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 04:27:43 +0000

ahah, I definitely enjoy reading your blog, it’s really fun

And I’d say that being secretive doesn’t mean you’re liking, and it doesn’t mean that you are hiding anything either. there’s a line between not sharing things openly and hiding them.

By: The Seductress Within

The Seductress Within — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 18:46:45 +0000

As Jeff said, the issue is trust. Without it, the relationship has no legs to stand on.

No matter how it started or who is more to blame is irrelevant.

Please resolve this one way or another before you marry.
The two of you may not be a match.

By: Shelby

Shelby — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 17:06:13 +0000

I like the statement Jeff made regarding Spying v/s Asking; Closed v/s Locked. It’s the truth. Thing is, my fiance was talking to his ex a couple of months before he proposed. Of course I flipped, but thing is once we got everything out on the table I realized that it was partly my own behavior that was causing him to feel worried about trusting ME. Plus, there were other factors involved; his unemployment, feeling like he couldn’t give his all being unemployed, etc., which lead to his considering going back to his ex just for a place to crash until he got on his feet and could get his life together. Of course this isn’t your situation, but it’s basically the same situation regarding him keeping communication with ex’s and not telling me. Once we got it all out though, he vented his concerns about MY ex’s, everything. It really made a world of difference and now the relationship is like new. And we’re engaged. If you can get the cards out like Jeff describes here, it will truly make the difference. I was in the same position and was feeling like he was hiding something. He was talking to the ex; my gut feeling was right. But it wasn’t HER that was the issue; it was that he had issues other than that and once those issues were addressed and handled, the relationship became stronger and more open in communication. I hope you and your fiance deal with your situations and can come out of this as mine and I did. (Thanks for all your help again, Jeff!!)

By: Sian

Sian — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 06:13:35 +0000

The courtship days…. the excitement of exploring a new persion ( relationship)…are usually the best times of any couple dynamic…think of it as the pinnacle.
This is the best you will realise in a relationship….prior to the in law problems, the mortgage, the chaos of daily life, illness, kids…….it is often the exhilaration and trust in the early heady days that get all couples through the mundane in the life that ensues.

So, what you have in the dating stage is indicative of what is to follow..but crancked down a notch or two…

Run, run as fast as you can…………

By: Bloomsbury Bell

Bloomsbury Bell — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 02:53:53 +0000

When I read that he lies about day-to-day stuff, this made me think of my ex husband who told lies for absolutely no reason anyone could ever figure out. He would say he had lunch with George when he really had lunch with Bill, even though no one had asked him a darn thing about lunch or had anything against Bill. Or he would say he took such and such a street to get somewhere, when he really took a different one. He might even say he had worn a red shirt when he had actually worn blue. Lies where there was nothing to gain and nothing that really seemed like it needed hiding. I agree this is a huge red flag–it was a while before I figured out how disturbed he was and got him some help and me some distance.

By: Sassy

Sassy — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 17:26:38 +0000

My mistake. Should read “past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior.”

By: Sassy

Sassy — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:49:42 +0000

Wow. A relationship with no trust. That would make me stop the marriage plans immediately. Things that are happening now won’t just stop with marriage. Whether that’s snooping or lying, I feel like there is an underlying problem. If he sent dodgy texts 3 years ago, he is capable of doing it again. Remember, past behavior is a good indicator or future behavior.

By: Susan

Susan — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:49:15 +0000

I’m with Debra – red flags waving everywhere! Try the talk and if it doesn’t work, say good bye. 4+ years of that must be exhausting at the very least… and that’s just a preview of what the rest of life would be like if you decided to stay together. No thanks.