Is She Wasting Her Time Waiting for a Proposal?
Lucy’s live-in boyfriend seems to be dragging his feet a little bit. It seems that every step of the way is HER idea. And now that the next step in her mind is marriage, he’s digging his heels in, just a leeettle beet. Is she wasting her time, or what? Details, you say? Why, here they are:
I’ve been with my boyfriend (who is 28yrs old) for three years and he’s always been hard to commit, it took a while for him to date me exclusively and we dated for two years before we moved in together. I’m ok with how slow our relationship is going, even though it can get frustrating sometimes, it’s just that I’m feeling like we’re in a bit of a holding pattern and I’m wondering when the next step is coming ie. When will he ask me to marry him!?
Heh. Yes, I can see how “ok” you are with how slow it’s going, ha ha. And oh boy, I’m sure HE can see it as well.
When I make hints, he changes the subject or ignores me, once he snapped at me and said that maybe he’ll never get married and that he’s not afraid of being alone for the rest of his life.
Gosh, will you look at that — he CAN see it!
I’d just like to know if it’s something that’s possible or if I’m ‘wasting my time’ waiting for him to commit, if he never will. What do you guys think??
Dear Lucy,
It’s hard to tell exactly why he’s so resistant to this given that I don’t know what your actual relationship is like. But the fact that he avoids the topic and actually snapped out at you with a, “Well, I might NEVER do it, ok??” does tell me one thing:
UNDAH PRESSHA! (dundundun-dada-dun-dun) UNDAH PRESSHA! (dundundun-dada-dun-dun)
Yes, it seems like he’s feeling pressured. And it sounds to me like whatever you are doing by way of “hinting” is not working. And hinting is never the way to go on something this big. Why?
- He might not get the hint as you intend it, since a “hint” is, by design, neither clear nor direct.
- You’re talking about a lifelong commitment. Not something you want to tiptoe around.
- If he’s already edgy about this topic, he’s going to take the fact that you are “hinting” as a sign that you’re only telling him half the story, and it will make him edgier.
Think about it. You’re hinting on a topic that involves something that will affect literally every single day of his life, forever. Yours as well. That’s a pretty friggin’ big thing to be talking about in a roundabout, unclear, indirect way, don’t you think?
I mean, imagine being unclear about other HUGE, life-changing circumstances. You’d never start a war without telling everyone exactly why you were going in, and making sure that everyone was clear on exactly what the whole thing was about, right? Ok, bad example…
But seriously, if you were the president and you were going to order a launch of nuclear missiles, you wouldn’t say, “Hmm…Uruguay…I don’t know about that place…I just…sometimes I think it’d be better as a radioactive parking lot…What do YOU think?” Everyone would totally freak out, and no one would know what the hell was going on.
WILL HE OR WON’T HE? HERE’S HOW TO FIND OUT:
- DEFUSE-First things first, you’re going to have to help him take some of the air out of his defensiveness. I’d recommend starting with that. “Listen, I know in the past you’ve seemed to be a little pissed off when I’ve brought up marriage. I get that. But I would like to be able to talk about it with you. How can we talk about that, but in a way that won’t bother you.“
- DIVULGE-Next thing is to say what YOU want. “The reason I want to bring it up is that I DO want to marry you at some point.” Note, you’re not just telling him “I want to get married.” As in, you’re not just telling him, “Look, who gives a crap who I’m marrying, I just wanna DO it.” It’s HIM, right? Guys get a little nervous when they feel like someone has the role of “husband” that they’re trying to cast, and will you hurry up already, pal? Not a good thing for him to be thinking right now.
- DEPRESSURIZE-Finally, you want to let him know that this is not some demand, and you’re standing there, tapping your foot. That just won’t help get him relaxed enough to talk about this. It’s the opposite,”Believe me, I’m not trying to talk you into it if you don’t want to. Why would I want to marry someone who didn’t want to marry me? I just want to talk about this because even if you decide to never get married, well, that’s not how I feel about MY life, and I just want everybody to have their say.“
- D–uh—LET HIM TALK- I couldn’t think of a D word for that. (Though, in my defense, I didn’t try very hard.) Just listen, let him tell you where he’s at, even if it’s NOT where you’re at. Don’t try to “convince” him. What’s less fun than marrying someone who you “convinced” to ask? Just figure out where everybody’s at.
Good luck, Lucy. As I say, I’m not sure what he’s thinking. But I do know that “hinting” won’t help you find out. You’ve got to acknowledge that he’s resistant to this talk, and let him know that you’re not on some specific “marriage schedule,” at all costs, with graphs and charts. You just want to discuss this out in the open because it’s big.
This may be a pretty…intense conversation. But skillful couples get closer after intense conversations.
Ever been with a guy who snapped about marriage? How’d you get past it?
Posted: February 4th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time February 4, 2009 at 10:11 am
AnneZ: Yes!! That’s exactly the same thing! Exactly. (Well, except with the male version of impersonal role filling that you point out, he’s not planning on having the result last for the rest of his life. Just a night. Even that might be pushing it. Could be less than an hour, really.)
Comment from The Seductress Within
Time February 4, 2009 at 10:41 am
Lucy,
Think about what YOU want.
Do you want to keep living with him ‘acting’ like a married couple until HE decides if/when he’s ready?
Do you want to live like this waiting for HIM to decide YOUR future for the next 5-10 years?
You already have your answer from him, you just don’t like it.
He doesn’t want to get married now, and maybe never.
I’d wouldn’t question, nag, hint, beg, or whine about it ever again.
I’d tell him calmly, “I love you and I’d love to spend the rest of my life with you, but it seems like we want different things. I’m interested in marriage and you aren’t now and possibly never. I understand that but therefore I think we need to part ways.”
And move out.
He may let you go, or HE may decide to initiate the grown up conversation about marriage that he’s been avoiding….
But things are to comfy-cozy for him right now. He’s got all the benifits of marriage but no responsibility. He doesn’t even have to ‘talk’ about it if he doesn’t want to.
I’d move out and start dating other men. If you are that important to him, you’ll find out.
Comment from Liz C
Time February 4, 2009 at 11:36 am
Hate to say it, but Seductress is on to something. I had a good friend who lived with a guy for 10 years. he never wanted to get married and she thought she was OK with that. Finally they broke up and he married someone else in less than 6 months. She was devastated.
I’m just sayin’ is all. Keep an eye on what *you* want and need.
Comment from Cindy
Time February 4, 2009 at 1:33 pm
My mother used to tell me “Why buy the cow if he gets the milk for free?” I never took much stock in her advice until I spent 6 years “giving the milk for free” to find out that I would NEVER get the committment that I wanted from that man. Now I am in a relationship where I was very clear from the start…”I will not live with a man that I’m not married to” and it really does make the guy either s**t or get off the pot (so to speak). What I’m saying here is that you’re giving him all the benefits of being married without getting what YOU want. Do you really want to be with a man who you have to “direct” (manage) the relationship with? He’s not going to buy the cow if you’re giving him all that free milk, girlfriend…Are you sure YOU want to marry that type of man anyway???
Comment from Rose
Time February 4, 2009 at 4:53 pm
I would add that, on top of thinking about what you want, and letting him know what you want, you could tell him why you want it. I mean, really, why do you want to marry HIM? And why do you think the two of you work so well TOGETHER that you want to spend the rest of your life with him? I have a friend who had been asking her boyfriend about marriage for a year, and he always said he wasn’t ready. Then one night she said, ‘You know honey, I love being with you because you make me feel safe to just be myself. Even when we’re just watching TV like this, I’m happy just because I’m with you.’ He proposed a week later, on her birthday.
Comment from E
Time February 4, 2009 at 9:11 pm
There’s something I don’t get – what do you think will change with your marriage to your guy? He didn’t really want to exclusively date you, and now you’re wondering if he will ever want to marry you. In your years together, you either made peace with this dynamic or you didn’t. Or… you’re acting like you did, but not being truthful to yourself, this guy, and this relationship. I second whoever said it – what is it YOU want? And are you too affraid to admit what you want because you suspect that you and your boyfriend are not on the same page about each other?
Comment from KC
Time February 5, 2009 at 6:19 pm
I totally agree with what Seductress & E said.
I’d also like to toss in the following: Do you really want to marry a guy who isn’t as excited & happy about the pending marriage as you are?
Any of my friends who are in successfull marriages (and there’ s not too many of them these days) had husbands who were gushing & so excited to marry them. They wanted to take part in the planning, they did they asked without any ultimatums or hints etc and they genuinely seemed like they wanted to get married. I personally would worry about marrying someone who doesn’t seem to naturally feel the same way as I do about it.
Come to think of it, doesn’t it suck that you have to have a conversation about it (“it” being that he seems to shy away from marriage talks) at all? Shouldn’t an ideal husband have this come naturally to them or am I living in a fantasy world?! If you’re really wanting to get married, wouldn’t your ideal partner want the same thing?
Who knows… just thought I’d throw that out there…
Comment from mmagnolia
Time February 7, 2009 at 11:54 pm
Dear Lucy!
You shouldB w/The Guy Who Loves Lucy!
Your He seems more like a Prospect, rather than Your *One-R-None*. Think again *why* U want 2cottage w/Him!
Would have been sweet to begin clearing closets when he spouted that “maybe he’ll never get married”.
Yes…sure, words off cuff = off range, but! where’s tenderness in little things!
ALSO: seems like He went on offensive 2intimidate by threat [sour R'ship path]!
Happy Reconciliation… or Happiest Trails!
Comment from Melissa
Time February 8, 2009 at 2:23 am
I didn’t like the sound of this from the start…*he’s* slow to commit….to dating exclusively, to moving in, and now he won’t even dignify his relationship with Lucy by participating in a discussion she deserves to have after three years. From all that I’ve seen and heard, relationships that result from the woman doing the heavy lifting and convincing, the guy never values her. Very rarely will he “wake up and smell the coffee” out of the blue…..especially when he has been as snug as a bug in a rug throughout the course of the relationship. He’s VERY sure of Lucy, too sure for my liking.
Lucy, dear, puhhhleeeeeeeese move out ASAP, and yes DO date others! And do NOT tell him advance you are making changes, just do it. (Cos you’re doing it out of self regard for yourself..not to “prod” him in action.) (Also, men respond to actions much more so than words.) Your only explanation needs to be, “You and I are not on the same page here. I do love you, but I also respect you enough not to push you into something you clearly don’t want. But I need to respect my needs and dreams, so I wish you the very best.” (Do NOT allow him to stall you with, “Well, just let me think about it for awhile, maybe I just need time.” Three years is plenty of time. You need to evaluate whether he’s unhappy cos the apple-cart has been upset, or if he truly misses you and the opportunity to spend his life with a wonderful, caring woman.
Best to you!
Comment from AnneZ
Time February 4, 2009 at 9:37 am
I’m sorry, #2 makes me laugh! Because, yanno, men are never, ever guilty of having the role of “female with her clothes off” that they are trying to fill. Any female will do and it must be done by a certain amount of money spent and time invested–all charts and graphs and stuff–no, that NEVER happens! **giggles, smirks, shakes head** Ah! Boys!