Comments on: Is She Wasting Her Time Waiting for a Proposal?

By: Melissa

Melissa — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 07:23:32 +0000

I didn’t like the sound of this from the start…*he’s* slow to commit….to dating exclusively, to moving in, and now he won’t even dignify his relationship with Lucy by participating in a discussion she deserves to have after three years. From all that I’ve seen and heard, relationships that result from the woman doing the heavy lifting and convincing, the guy never values her. Very rarely will he “wake up and smell the coffee” out of the blue…..especially when he has been as snug as a bug in a rug throughout the course of the relationship. He’s VERY sure of Lucy, too sure for my liking.

Lucy, dear, puhhhleeeeeeeese move out ASAP, and yes DO date others! And do NOT tell him advance you are making changes, just do it. (Cos you’re doing it out of self regard for yourself..not to “prod” him in action.) (Also, men respond to actions much more so than words.) Your only explanation needs to be, “You and I are not on the same page here. I do love you, but I also respect you enough not to push you into something you clearly don’t want. But I need to respect my needs and dreams, so I wish you the very best.” (Do NOT allow him to stall you with, “Well, just let me think about it for awhile, maybe I just need time.” Three years is plenty of time. You need to evaluate whether he’s unhappy cos the apple-cart has been upset, or if he truly misses you and the opportunity to spend his life with a wonderful, caring woman.

Best to you!

By: mmagnolia

mmagnolia — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 04:54:15 +0000

Dear Lucy!
You shouldB w/The Guy Who Loves Lucy!

Your He seems more like a Prospect, rather than Your *One-R-None*. Think again *why* U want 2cottage w/Him!

Would have been sweet to begin clearing closets when he spouted that “maybe he’ll never get married”.
Yes…sure, words off cuff = off range, but! where’s tenderness in little things!
ALSO: seems like He went on offensive 2intimidate by threat [sour R'ship path]!

Happy Reconciliation… or Happiest Trails!

By: KC

KC — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 23:19:11 +0000

I totally agree with what Seductress & E said.

I’d also like to toss in the following: Do you really want to marry a guy who isn’t as excited & happy about the pending marriage as you are?

Any of my friends who are in successfull marriages (and there’ s not too many of them these days) had husbands who were gushing & so excited to marry them. They wanted to take part in the planning, they did they asked without any ultimatums or hints etc and they genuinely seemed like they wanted to get married. I personally would worry about marrying someone who doesn’t seem to naturally feel the same way as I do about it.

Come to think of it, doesn’t it suck that you have to have a conversation about it (“it” being that he seems to shy away from marriage talks) at all? Shouldn’t an ideal husband have this come naturally to them or am I living in a fantasy world?! If you’re really wanting to get married, wouldn’t your ideal partner want the same thing?

Who knows… just thought I’d throw that out there…

By: E

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 02:11:09 +0000

There’s something I don’t get – what do you think will change with your marriage to your guy? He didn’t really want to exclusively date you, and now you’re wondering if he will ever want to marry you. In your years together, you either made peace with this dynamic or you didn’t. Or… you’re acting like you did, but not being truthful to yourself, this guy, and this relationship. I second whoever said it – what is it YOU want? And are you too affraid to admit what you want because you suspect that you and your boyfriend are not on the same page about each other?

By: Rose

Rose — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 21:53:40 +0000

I would add that, on top of thinking about what you want, and letting him know what you want, you could tell him why you want it. I mean, really, why do you want to marry HIM? And why do you think the two of you work so well TOGETHER that you want to spend the rest of your life with him? I have a friend who had been asking her boyfriend about marriage for a year, and he always said he wasn’t ready. Then one night she said, ‘You know honey, I love being with you because you make me feel safe to just be myself. Even when we’re just watching TV like this, I’m happy just because I’m with you.’ He proposed a week later, on her birthday.

By: Cindy

Cindy — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 18:33:34 +0000

My mother used to tell me “Why buy the cow if he gets the milk for free?” I never took much stock in her advice until I spent 6 years “giving the milk for free” to find out that I would NEVER get the committment that I wanted from that man. Now I am in a relationship where I was very clear from the start…”I will not live with a man that I’m not married to” and it really does make the guy either s**t or get off the pot (so to speak). What I’m saying here is that you’re giving him all the benefits of being married without getting what YOU want. Do you really want to be with a man who you have to “direct” (manage) the relationship with? He’s not going to buy the cow if you’re giving him all that free milk, girlfriend…Are you sure YOU want to marry that type of man anyway???

By: Liz C

Liz C — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 16:36:09 +0000

Hate to say it, but Seductress is on to something. I had a good friend who lived with a guy for 10 years. he never wanted to get married and she thought she was OK with that. Finally they broke up and he married someone else in less than 6 months. She was devastated.

I’m just sayin’ is all. Keep an eye on what *you* want and need.

By: The Seductress Within

The Seductress Within — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 15:41:28 +0000

Lucy,

Think about what YOU want.
Do you want to keep living with him ‘acting’ like a married couple until HE decides if/when he’s ready?

Do you want to live like this waiting for HIM to decide YOUR future for the next 5-10 years?

You already have your answer from him, you just don’t like it.

He doesn’t want to get married now, and maybe never.

I’d wouldn’t question, nag, hint, beg, or whine about it ever again.

I’d tell him calmly, “I love you and I’d love to spend the rest of my life with you, but it seems like we want different things. I’m interested in marriage and you aren’t now and possibly never. I understand that but therefore I think we need to part ways.”

And move out.

He may let you go, or HE may decide to initiate the grown up conversation about marriage that he’s been avoiding….

But things are to comfy-cozy for him right now. He’s got all the benifits of marriage but no responsibility. He doesn’t even have to ‘talk’ about it if he doesn’t want to.

I’d move out and start dating other men. If you are that important to him, you’ll find out.

By: Jeff Mac

Jeff Mac — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 15:11:04 +0000

AnneZ: Yes!! That’s exactly the same thing! Exactly. (Well, except with the male version of impersonal role filling that you point out, he’s not planning on having the result last for the rest of his life. Just a night. Even that might be pushing it. Could be less than an hour, really.)

By: AnneZ

AnneZ — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 14:37:10 +0000

I’m sorry, #2 makes me laugh! Because, yanno, men are never, ever guilty of having the role of “female with her clothes off” that they are trying to fill. Any female will do and it must be done by a certain amount of money spent and time invested–all charts and graphs and stuff–no, that NEVER happens! **giggles, smirks, shakes head** Ah! Boys!