One Classic Mixed Signals Special, Comin’ Up
LeAnn is getting mixed signals from her man. Or IS she? It’s hard to say for sure what’s going on, but I don’t really think that the signals are nearly as mixed as she thinks. Honestly, they rarely are. Here’s the scoop.
Hello!I’m seeing a guy who is sending mixed signals and playing hot-and-cold, etc…I’m 28, he’s 24. He claims he doesn’t want to consider a relationship because he might be moving soon and doesn’t want anyone to get hurt. We basically agreed to stop spending time together because we like eachother too much for no-strings sex. Within days, he was calling me and we were sleeping together again. I need some help deciphering his mixed-up messages!
Dear LeAnn,
Oh, LeAnn, LeAnn, LeAnn. This right here is one of the oldest tricks in the book. This is one of the big ones. This is a two step process designed to get into your pants, but NOT into a relationship. I’m not even saying that he’s aware that’s what he’s doing. But that’s usually how this thing plays out.
It goes like this:
STEP ONE: We shouldn’t just have no-string sex cuz…
- …I just got out of a relationship.
- …I’m moving to Zanzibar.
- …I like you too much to do that.
- …I’m freaked out by commitment.
- …Don’t want anybody to get hurt.
- …Don’t want to mess with our friendship.
- …I’m a bad boyfriend.
Basically, this is any reason that he can give NOT to have sex, because that’s all it would be — no-strings sex. And you two don’t want THAT, do you? But just like when you say, “No, no, I REALLY shouldn’t have another piece of pie,” the next move is, predictably…
STEP TWO: No Strings Sex
Wait, whaaaa?
Yeah, I know, it doesn’t seem to make sense, right? Seems like a mixed signal? Well, it’s only mixed if you believe that both signals are true. The real truth is that the first signal is just talking. He might have an idea in his brain that whatever excuse he gave makes sense. But see, the body doesn’t always take orders from the brain.
But here’s the real question:
DOES HE KNOW HE’S DOING THIS?
That’s not 1000% clear to me right now. I mean, it’s one of these two, right?
- HE DOESN’T KNOW: He tried to cut off the relationship because he THOUGHT it was a bad idea, but his body just wouldn’t allow it. You’re hot, you’re willing, he’s horny…done deal. Or hell, maybe his HEART wouldn’t allow it. That’s happened before. I’ve done that, where you “decide” not to have a relationship, but only in your logical brain. We all know how logical love and sex are, right?
- HE KNOWS: This is when a guy decides to give himself a “get out of nooky jail free” card. Oh, he might not actually have it printed up and laminated, but there’s a card. This way, he gets you into bed after already giving you the disclaimer. So later, when you’re pissed off, he can say, “Hey, I TOLD you that I didn’t want a relationship. You could have said no. I thought you understood.” This guy might even seem to get mad at YOU for jerking HIM around. (See: Anger Smokescreen.)
If it’s #2, well, you’re with a jerk. Sorry about that. If it’s #1, you’ve got to check out his behavior. Is he now treating you the way you want to be treated? Or is it only about no-strings sex? Forget what he’s telling you. Just look at how he acts. Is this an “in public” relationship, or is it more of an, “after hours, in the dark, when he’s feeling randy” relationship?
Good luck, LeAnn. Just remember — this isn’t a mixed signal. Watch his behavior, and it’s all one signal, the whole way.
What do you say, me ladies? This guy jerking her around? Jerking himself around? What should she do?
Posted: February 11th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Barbara Doduk
Time February 11, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Oh I’ve had this “trick” used on me too. In the end even though I want to believe it means more than Friends with Benefits to him, I know it doesn’t. In the end the guy always says “I told you I was a jerk”, or “unable to get into a relationship”, or whatever his excuse was.
Bang on advice.
Comment from Amber
Time February 11, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Yes, this advice is spot-on. I wish I would’ve known this years ago, but live and learn. And let me tell you, it is better to cut contact with him now than to let him string you along and use you until he finds someone with whom he CAN be in a relationship.
Out of curiosity, how should you respond when he says ‘well, I told you I didn’t want a relationship . . . ‘? Is there a way to make him feel REALLY wretched about it? (sinister laugh here)
Comment from hmgfiae
Time February 11, 2009 at 11:13 pm
ahah, that’s a funny interpretation, with lots of truth in it.
Comment from Selena
Time February 13, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Forget about the guy for a minute, what about LeAnn’s choice here? Apparantly they started something, were sleeping together and then the guy tries to back out saying he might be moving soon and doesn’t want anyone getting hurt. He calls her days later and boom! she’s back in bed with him. What message is LeAnn sending here? If I were this guy I’d think she was just fine with sleeping with me up until I moved (if I actually did).
I don’t think this guy is a jerk any more than LeAnn is for knowing the score and deciding “what the hell let’s do it”. Mixed signals? Nah. More like hormones at work.
Be interesting to see how this one plays out. What happens if he doesn’t move?
Comment from Jewel
Time April 9, 2009 at 5:59 pm
There is nothing unclear about this situation.He jsut wants to fulfill his physical needs while he can,as someoen put it hormones at work.I have learnt in life that everyone takes care of themselves and so I think in this case decide what you want out of this and if you’re too good for no strings sex then cut contact for a while..But sweetheart there are no mixed signals here.. its crystal clear what he wants and it boild down to what you want.
Comment from Jewel
Time April 9, 2009 at 6:04 pm
plus if there is one thins that I have learnt from the manslator it is.. if a mans actions and words conflict.. take his actions…just remember that and you will be fine
Comment from Nat
Time May 20, 2009 at 7:41 pm
But why do guys do this to women they are friends with? It happened to me recently and hurts way more when it’s a friend rather than a stranger. It also hurts when you know the guy who pulls this shit is way less attractive than you are too. WTF?
Comment from Suzy
Time September 10, 2009 at 11:49 pm
I want to share my story. I recently went on a vacation with a friend. At the time he was in a relationship and seems he still is. I have not asked lately if he has broken up with his girlfriend. My friend and I were coworkers for about 2 years. We managed to get really close and really enjoyed each others company; however, we were both in a relationship at the time. He moved on to another job but we kept in touch. I told him I was going on a vacation and he actually bought tickets to join me and my friend. We spent the weekend together had lots of fun and we kissed. It was very romantic. It felt really good for both of us. It was pretty intense. He said he likes me, he is attracted to me. He even asked me if I would date him? So we have been back for about a month now. First few days we texted each other. He was really emotional and expressive about how he felt. He said hew was convinced that he was with the wrong girl because he did not feel what he felt for me. He had told me that he had doubts about his relationship. So to cut the story short I am confused. We have not seen each other since we have been back and text now has turned to AIM, which is so childish for me. He keeps making remarks about the future, which involves me. He said he is in the process of breaking up with his girlfriend. I am not sure what to think. I think he likes me and there is a connection. I feel there is something that is worth trying, but I wont allow myself to initiate anything if he is still with his girlfriend. Help!
Comment from T
Time February 11, 2009 at 10:41 am
Hmmmm…. I’m taking notes on this one.
Actions. Riiiiggggghhhhttt! Ok, duly noted.
Thank you oh wonderful Manslator!