manslations

(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: If you don’t like the B-word, well, you’re going to hate today’s question. And you’re REALLY going to hate the answer. Personally, I love all profanity. To me, curse words are like the children that I will never have.)

Well, it’s Friday the 13th, which means it’s time for a scary one. Why are men attracted to bitches? Messa wants to know what on EARTH that’s all about. Well, I know a little something about this. You see, I am a recovering bitch-o-phile. I used to be the guy who would look around the room to find the one woman who would be the most cruel to me, and that was it. I was a goner. Totally smitten. Why? Well, I think I know now. Let’s see what Messa’s story is first:

If I may, I’d like to be allowed to ask you two questions.

Well, I don’t see how I can stop you.

Why do men want bitches?…I like to think I’m a pretty easy going person….I won’t let a man have his way all the time, but I’m willing to work with a guy, you know?

This already makes me laugh a little. “Letting” someone have their way. Oh man, we’re in for a good one today.

…..I think Chinese food looks like someone vomited on my plate, but hey, if he wants it once in awhile, I can pick at an egg roll……However, if I am really displeased about something, I mention it….sometimes nicely, sometimes not so nicely, but I don’t go all Leona Helmsley on them or anything…

Nice Leona Helmsley reference. Good understanding of bitch history.

…I try to tone it down a bit more than I would on someone I knew very well…..You can’t just spring these things on people…..I mean, I do still pretty much have my company manors on…..Anyway, the upshot being I have had more than one man tell me “If we ever tried to have a relationship, we’d kill each other.” (which frankly, I think is an excuse, but that is neither here nor there).

Why am I not surprised that you are…displeased with his statement. Hee hee.

Great, here’s the part I don’t understand…They then go on to date, live with, marry women that are bitchier than I could ever be…Being a woman myself, I know exactly how they got into this spot. The woman in question was sweet as Splenda, never argued, always deferred to him, gave him sex on demand…..and then, when she had the sucker….I mean, man….reeled in to where he was in too deep to get out, suddenly they find out they’re with Elizabeth Bathory…..and, they put up with it…They even seem to like it….Of course, they complain all
the time about how all women are bitches, blah, blah, blah…..but they stay…..

I only question the “in too deep to get out” part. I’ve heard this, and you hear it in advice for women along the lines of, “Treat him like XYZ until you’ve GOT him, and THEN be yourself.” Er…what? We’ve got this thing called “breaking up” now. Fabulous invention. And for REALLY tough situations, you can get the upgraded version called, “Divorce.” Easy? No. But they do work.

And as a side note, I had to look up Elizabeth Bathory. Your knowledge of bitches through the ages is astounding. You should be on Bitch Jeopardy or something. (Possibly hosted by Shannon Doherty.)

So, tell me….Do I really have to play this dishonest and rather sick game or can I in the beginning be a toned down version of myself, which doesn’t seem to be working?….Oh and P.S., I’m sure you know this, so I really don’t have to add it, but for the home gamers, while these men seem to think we would kill each other in a relationship, they are more than happy to take their chances in a bedroom.

Yeah, that’s not surprising to me at all. I have a good friend who, before going to sleep with his then-girlfriend, would actually check under the pillow for weapons. Seriously. When I asked him why he stayed…well, let’s just say it wasn’t for her sense of humor.

I never went quite THAT far, but I think I have a sense of what this is. More in a moment, but first your other question:

My second question is much easier. After your first date, how long should you wait for him to ask you for a second date before writing him off as not interested?

Much easier. 48 hours. Done. Well, 48 hours for first contact, anyway. If he doesn’t get a sense that you’re interested when he DOES contact you in those 48 hours, well, he might not ask until he does.

Thanks !

Dear Messa,

I have a couple of thoughts on your situation. First I’ll explain mine:

CONFESSIONS OF A FORMER BITCH-O-PHILE

Why did I do it? Why did I seek out women who were not nice in any way? Well, I think it was two things:

1. THE CHASE: Now, before you start thinking that all that advice about “The Chase” works, it doesn’t. She was unavailable and mean, and YES, I did want to “chase” her to get her to stop being that way. But when I “caught” her, that was the end of it. There was nothing about the relationship worth keeping. Kept me busy chasing these ladies for a couple of decades, though. And yes, some guys like a life-long challenge. Some guys also like running marathons every weekend. Personally, I’m too lazy for that crap these days, but knock yourselves out, folks.
2. LOW SELF-OPINION: This was certainly a part of it. Something along the lines of, “Well, I feel like a real jerk. But if that awful, mean, horrible woman was in LOVE with me for some reason…well, that would prove I wasn’t such a loser, huh? Huh?” You can imagine how well that one worked.
3. INERTIA: Sometimes it’s easier to stay with someone than to leave, simply for the fact that you know what a hassle breaking up is going to be. Could be that these women are NIGHTMARES in arguments, and a guy would literally rather stay in a bad relationship than face their wrath. I’ve…er…read about that happening.

Now, I’m not sure that’s what’s happening with your former would-be fellas.  But there are a couple of things I would suggest.

DON’T TONE YOURSELF DOWN

Or up. I’m not saying that you should play some game. The opposite. I’m saying play NO games. Games only work if you don’t mind winning them. As in, if you’d be happy married to some guy you tricked into it. Fun, right? Ugh. And it sounds like you don’t have much respect for these guys who fell for the nonsense approach of these SplendaBitches.

Don’t be MORE bitchy or LESS bitchy. And you know, for all I know you could be a total nightmare. Hey, some of us are. But what are you going to do? Be…not you? Not an option. This is what you’re like. You don’t want to be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life. Besides the obvious benefit of being yourself (i.e. it’s less exhausting than pretending) you will also find…

YOUR GUYS WILL LIKE YOU LIKE THAT

Not ALL guys, clearly. Some of ‘em headed for the hills. Whatever. Again, what’s your other option? You’re you. BE you. Because if you’re behaving like someone else, one of two things will happen:

1. You’ll attract a guy who thinks you’re like that, which means he’s clearly not right for the REAL you.
2. You’ll repel a guy who WOULD have been into the real you, but just never knew she was there, lurking behind the “fake” you that you’re pretending to be.

DON’T ASSUME THAT THEIR GAME “WORKS”

Unless your dream is to trick a guy into marrying you and then treating him like crap, the methods that your rivals were using don’t “work.”  You don’t want something that “works.” You don’t want a “strategy” to be with your person. You don’t want to NEED such games.

Now, does that mean that you’re going to turn some men off with the way you are? Maybe. Actually, I’m SURE it does, since you’ve already seen it happen. I don’t know you, but you seem to describe yourself as an occasionally not nice person. Well, the world’s full of them. I’m among them. I dislike most people, and would prefer not to leave my home for fear of dealing with them. But so what? When you find someone special, it’s because you like each other AS IS, not because you’ve found someone you can trick into sticking around.

I don’t know if I answered your question, Messa. All I can say is, don’t change yourself. Even if you ARE a bitch by some men’s standards, even if you’re NOT ENOUGH OF a bitch by other men’s standards, the point is that you’re the bitch you’ve got to look at in the mirror. (That’s a paraphrase Stud Cantrell, a favorite movie character of mine. Extra points if you know the reference!) Be your own bitchy self, or else the guy who REALLY likes you might not recognize you.

Why do YOU think men like bitches, ladies?