manslations

Well, miladies, I hope your V-day was either a.) sweeter than pie, or at least b.) not infuriatingly annoying! Today, we’ve got a question from frequent commenter and fellow blogger, T, who has had an on-again-off-again-now-he’s-here-now-he’s-fighting-in-Iraq sort of romance with her soldier boy. It’s been a rough ride, but he wants a chance to make it all right. Should she trust him? Let’s get her story first:

(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: I’ve bolded a couple of points to make it a little easier to read the stuff I’m going to comment on.)

Ok great Manslator, I have quite the question for you. Are you up to the challenge?

But of course, you want to hear my story first, right? You know my story already but here’s a short(er) version.

• Fall 2007: I reconnected with an old dear friend from high school who apparently had a huge crush on me back then. We start dating and I find out that he’s about to head off to war for 15 months. We squeeze in as much as we can in about a month and realize we’re both falling in love. He gets really emotional and decides we need to break it off because none of his previous relationships have ever survived a deployment. He also needs to shut down emotionally to prepare for war.I back off. He stays in touch and leaves for Iraq. We’re communicating daily and he’s calling every week. The deployment becomes months of foreplay and making plans for when he returns from war. There are little moments when he seems frightened about the future but then again, so am I. Mostly, its all good so far, right?

• Fall 2008: He comes home for a brief leave during his deployment. I spent months planning a wonderful homecoming for the few days he would be with me. He comes over and seems excited to see me. Over the course of the few days he’s with me, I can tell he’s still emotionally withdrawn. He starts pushing me away stating that he’s not sure what his future holds, where he will be stationed after the war, how he doesn’t think he’d be a good boyfriend to me.I back off again. Slowly, over time, we start communicating again. Now he’s home in the next few weeks and he wants me to meet him for a trip we’d planned months before. I tell him that I’m not sure. I can’t promise that I won’t become attached again. He is now telling me that he is going to be “that same man” from the fall 2007. That he’d like us to meet again, like we did back then, without expectations and see what happens.

Jeff, I just don’t know. You know the old, “once bitten, twice shy” saying…

Many people are saying that he’s an emotionally unavailable man and that I shouldn’t waste my time. Yes, he turned into an emotionally unavailable man    due to his circumstances. (Who could blame him?) I’ve been told that I shouldn’t even bother thinking he will be that guy again, that he’s just toying with me, that he’s stringing me along because he knows that I still have feelings for him.

Then again, I also believe that he can be that guy again. He has mentioned more than once about us being like we were when we were initially dating. Which re-enforces my belief that his feelings are still there and that he’s just doing what you’ve said (and I’ve witnessed) most men do, “I can’t be with you until everything is perfect in my life.”

I’ve read two different takes on this lately and I want your opinion.

One says that emotionally unavailable men will always be that way, will end up being lonely and used up because no woman can ever satisfy them. They won’t commit and they’re users.

Another says that these men simply haven’t met a woman who’s patient enough, who can communicate with a man without fear and uncertainty, who has control of herself emotionally, who is so present in the moment that these men finally feel that they can open up to them.

What do you think?

About the soldier? I think he needs to blow off some steam before we can attempt anything again. And that’s only if I want to give it another go. I haven’t decided that yet and that’s ok. Thank you!

Dear T,
Interesting question. I don’t know that I quite agree with either of the schools of thought (bolded above.) Then again, what do I know about school? I majored in theater. I actually paid money for that. So, you know, grain of salt.

But to me, the first school sounds like it’s from someone embittered by a bad experience, and the 2nd school sounds like someone who is naive enough to think something along the lines of, “…but with me he’ll be different!” Seems like neither is right.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO CHANGE?

Here’s what I think. I think it most definitely IS possible for someone to change behavior based on their OWN decision. And one thing that can make someone make that decision is exposure to extreme enough circumstances. I mean, you saw his behavior change as a result of not-war vs. war. Pretty big change in scenery. And while I have no personal experience with the latter (what wih me being a “coward” and all) I would be very unsurprised if, at least for some folks, the different locations required very different methods of dealing with them.

Now, I’m not making excuses for him. Not at all. Nor should you. While I feel for him and feel that he’s totally justified in being whatever way gets him through the day over there (or back here afterwards for that matter)…I’d say that YOU are ALSO 100% justified in requiring your person to treat you right, or begone. No matter what his circumstances.

And this is where you find yourself. You need XYZ, and he’s shown you at different times that he can decide to treat you that way…and also that he can decide not to.

WHAT TO DO? ONE LAST, NO-HOLDS-BARRED CHANCE.

Here’s what I’d say. You two have had a real connection at a time. You know that it is theoretically possible between you. So you’re not just pulling this out of your ass. You already know that it’s possible. POSSIBLE. So I’d go at it from a “give it a real shot” perspective, or not at all. As in, put it all out there, knowing that it is completely possible that this thing will just not happen.

In my opinion, that means full disclosure of…

• …what you’re worried about.
• …what happened to you last time.
• …what you are unwilling to deal with again.
• …what you need to hear from him to proceed.

And about that last one — what DO you need? Do you need for him to own what changed in him, admit that there was a change, admit that he knows it wasn’t good for you? Is it just an admission of what happened? That’s what it would be for me. I’d need to know that my person understood why the previous behavior didn’t work for me. I don’t need a bunch of apologies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’re sorry, I get it. But do you know what you did? And if he doesn’t, tell him until he does.

The point I’m going for is this. It seems to me that if someone has hurt you and they can’t even admit what happened, how can they expect to move forward? If, however, he can actually understand what happened last time, and not make excuses for it…if he can accept what he did…if he KNOWS what he did…it seems to me that there is at least a chance to SEE what’s there.

LEMME SUM UP WITH A ONE-TWO-THREE…

1. I think it is theoretically possible for a guy in this situation to change how he treats you. (since he already did it once, albeit not for the better.) Not based on the woman he’s with, but based on HIS decision to do so. (It was his decision that changed him last time, even though it was in response to stuff that was clearly outside his control. As in, you know, a “war.”)
2. We have no way of knowing if THIS guy will change.
3. The only way you’ll know is if you give him a chance to put it ALL out there on the table, and see where you are. No expectations, no pressure, no tricks, no traps, no hoping against hope. Investigate. Just see what’s there.

Good luck, T. Seriously. I know this one’s been a long road. I wouldn’t blame you if you said, “You know, nope, I’m done trying for fear of the heartbreak.” But you know, the heart doesn’t mind breaking. Seriously. Some of the best things in my life happened as a result of heartbreak.

What do you think, ladies? One more shot, or thanks-but-no-thanks?