manslations

A reader calling herself “defensive player” has won my heart with a basketball metaphor. (Most of the time I’m not a huge sports fan, but when my beloved UConn Huskies are playing basketball, whoa nelly. Whoa nelly, indeed. Nelly, I say.)

She’s wondering if her booty call is in fact just the two of them being cautious, playing “relationship defense” or what? Let’s find out what she’s got.

The Infamous Booty Call 911.

To start in a nutshell, what i believe has been happening in my booty call department is basically like basketball.

Given that March Madness is coming soon, I and my beloved UConn Huskies are right with you.

Were both playing defense, and we both don’t want to play offense because were scared of taking that shot and missing it! but i don’t know!

Well, I know about that on the court. Then again, if both teams are playing defense, they’d be on opposite ends of the court all the time. You can’t have a booty call from that far away, Defensive Player. Somebody’s clearly doing SOME damn thing. The question is what are they on the offense FOR. We shall see…

Now the backbone of our booty call fairytale…

I think the concept of “booty call fairytale” will ultimately lead to some trouble…but that’s just me.

I’ve known this guy for a good solid year. The problem with this is that I work with him too. What started out as flirtaeous friends, lead to the immediate attractions of “what if we did hook up” scenarios in our heads. During this time though, he had been “seeing” another coworker, but basically in another nutshell she used him as a rebound.

So he got burned because he grew feelings and all that heartbroken sob story for falling for the trap of the  rebound. During this time I had no idea, and to be honest, I have a strong value on not “dipping the pen in company ink”. Also, he is not my usual “type” either.

…but…

Inevitably I did hookup, with ALOT of hesitation because of the sole reason of him not meeting my standards.

Oh, is THAT all? Just that one reason, huh? Well, I certainly hope that’s how you phrased it, heh.

Well was i wrong. The sex is AMAZING! I couldn’t believe it and the next thing you know I’m writing you because its so good that I’m completely dumbfounded on my emotions and HIS!

Now, once again, I’m just saying that thinking that the “sex is amazing” must be related to his emotions might just get us into some trouble. Just saying.

We have been hooking up now for 4 months. We’ve done the casual dates, movies, lunches, all-nighters, WORKED together, and we also actually go to the same college,and have done homework too. We even went semi-errands/grocery shopping too, with no booty involved but PDA involved. Were moreover, friends with benefits.

My problem is this: When we are having sex he is really passionate. Kissing my forehead stuff, and sometimes kisses me right after he finishes. There not like pecks i feel, their intense and sensual. Now call me crazy but arent booty calls not suppose to do that? And of course after our big “parties in our pants”, he cuddles and holds me all night long. LITERALLY, if not holding me, he’s definitely spooning me.

Well, there’s no law about that stuff, though I’d imagine it’s not totally common. That said, it would still fall under the heading of sexual contact, given that it is definitely continuous WITH the sex, if you know what I mean. I mean, it’s not like he’s running up and spooning you at the mall. (Though, for my own amusement, I’m going to picture that a few times. Ahh, comedy.)

I’m not saying that it is or isn’t just a booty call — only that this cuddlishness isn’t necessarily enough evidence to tell.

Now the more intellctual part of the game that I cannot achieve because i am a female is this: The other day he  was having a rough day but of course he had never told me, and i think it blew over my head. Nutshell again he was over worked, stressed, overwhelmed with school and so on. How i knew this, because the text started with him saying whats up and i had seen him earlier in our bookstore on campus buying books i responded “just seeing what your damage was, and how your 15hr day at school was.” he responds back “im so lazy”. I responded sympathetically then he bluntly ask “can you sleep over tonight”. Thrown off guard, i viewed it as, ” you think its that easy, and that im going to drop my BUSY schedule in the snap of your finger.” Not knowing he was feeling blue, i told him that i had school in the morning and politely returned the gesture that he was more then welcomed to stay at my place. His immmediate response was “NEVERMIND”. Baffled,i realized that something was not right so i collected myself and responded back “okay….just to let you know that if your feeling blue you know you can always count on me for a laugh…get some rest ill call you when i get off.

This is sounding like a guy who likes you around on his terms, but not when it’s a hassle. Not that he’s being some awful guy — sounds like you’re in somewhat the same boat. Seems like this is how you behave when things are still pretty “casual,” no?

Long story short, called him when i got off, he said no one was at his house, kinda made him work again to invite me over and i did go over cause i used the terminology that if he needed company i’d be of assistance. Now i don’t know if that comes off as whoreish, but i don’t want to be vulnerable and let my guard down and get overtly burned at the end.

Ended up going over, made myself a sandwich, watched a little bit of a movie, then “bedtime”. The sex was mind-blowing and can’t stop thinking about it. I DON”T KNOW what he wants. One day he’s hot the next day he’s cold. Can you please break it down in a simple, not complicated, verbally easy to recite.

Dear Defensive Player,

I don’t know about “relationship defense.” Sounds like he gets what he wants when he wants it, and when it’s not what he wants, it’s “NEVERMIND.” Right?

I think we’ve got a situation that calls for the Two Big Questions. If you’re a regular, you know what they are, but for those of you who haven’t seen them yet, here’s the deal. In order to determine what a guy is feeling about you in the “booty vs. relationship” realm, you need to ask two questions:

1. Might he think his behavior will get him laid, AND
2. Might he think his behavior will integrate you further into his life (i.e. get him more NON-sex time with you).

You can not get ANYWHERE just asking the first question. All that will tell you is that he likes the idea of doing sex unto you. And that’s true of…well, probably a whole hell of a lot more guys than you EVER want to know about. But for most of those guys, only #1 would be true, and they’d be trying to maximize the sexytime, and minimize the non-sexytime.

So given that the answer to #1 is yes for him, it’s that second question we need to explore. What does his behavior tell us about the ways that he’d like to include you in his life?

SO, HOW CAN YOU TELL?

One key question I’d ask yourself — are you two a couple in front of HIS friends? Out and about? Who knows about what’s going on between you? See, if he really wants to be there, he doesn’t care who knows it.  If it’s a booty call, well, he won’t really want anyone to know (for fear of scaring off anyone else he might be interested in bootycalling.)

Good luck, Defensive Player! Seems like the relationship’s main anchor is this awesome sex. And I don’t doubt that it’s fantastic. But what else is going on with you two? Does he like spending time with you that doesn’t really have anything to do with sex? Other than in bed, does he treat you how you want to be treated? Do you even WANT more than this?

What do you see here, ladies? Total booty call? What’s he thinking here?