Is He Shy or Just Not Interested?
A reader named Deanna, after having been peer-pressured into becoming a manslatee by her roommates (thanks roomies!), has come to the feet of the manslator with a perennial confuser: How can you tell if a guy is too shy to make a move…or just too not-likey-you enough to make a move? He’s definitely given her some clues. Let’s see if we can solve the Case of the Missing AskOut!
My friends and roommates are obsessed with your site and after reading through a couple entries, I can see why! They’ve written you before and suggested I do so too so I am doing so.
This guy I’m head over heels for is exhibiting all the signs that I’ve known in the past to be classic “I like you signs.” He goes out of the way to say hi to me, he compliments me a lot (and it’s usually followed up by blushing), he remembers everything about me and recalls them proudly (he’ll bring me lunch from a place I told him I liked, he gives me DVDs to a show that I very casually mentioned I’d like to watch), he smiles a lot at me and I catch him looking at me quite often. However, he hasn’t made a move and I’m totally confused by that because in the past, that’s what always ends up happening. He doesn’t flirt overtly because he’s a generally shy guy and he seems rather reserved. I’m not sure if he’s giving me signs and expecting me to make a move or if he’s just a quiet friendly guy? Do guys provide assists so the girl can make the basket? How do I find out if he’s interested or just a friendly guy? He is incredibly nice to everyone… man. Help me out here.
Dear Deanna,
Ok, he’s giving you some very palpable clues. Just palp them and see. See how palpable they are? Great. Let’s just list them. That always feels productive, doesn’t it? (Ahh, I’m feeling more productive by the second!)
CLUES GIVEN BY DEANNA’S WOULD-BE SQUEEZE:
- …goes out of his way to say hi. Usually at least a decent sign, but not conclusive. And that’s assuming that “his way” is actually far enough out of your way to make it a statement, and not just a coincidence. You know, you’re looking for something like taking an entirely different subway on the off chance that he might run into you because he saw you at that stop before. That’s…I mean, who would do that? Nobody who’s admitting it now, I’ll tell you that much.
- …compliments you, followed by blushing. Very, VERY solid sign. There really isn’t too much reason for a guy to blush if he doesn’t like you. Well, barring any blood pressure issues.
- …remembers details. Good, but not necessarily conclusive.
- …brings you stuff. Very good, and a little over-the-top in the niceness department. I mean…how did he even know you were hungry, that he brought you lunch? That’s a lot. But in a sweet sort of, “cat bringing you a dead mouse” sort of way.
- …smiles and looks at you. Good signs, but not necessarily conclusive that he LIKE-likes you, if you know what I mean.
And the coupe de grace…
- …has not made a move
Whaaaaaa?
Actually, I’m not surprised. Not at all. He’s definitely showing signs of liking you. Maybe quite a lot, in fact, what with the lunch and the DVDs and the blushing. But those things also say something else to me…
THE BALLAD OF SENOR SUPERSHY
I’m not going to sing a ballad, I’m happy to say. I don’t even know why I wrote that. The point is, the guy is shy about being clear with you. Very shy. As in, he clearly likes you quite a bit, is trying to do things that get you to like HIM…but no askie-askie.
Why? What’s the holdup? Well, given that he likes you (and I think he does) I think there are two possibilities:
- You’re Not Encouraging Him: This could definitely be it. Could be he’s just not getting the signs back from you that you’d say yes if he asked? What are YOU doing? Are you going out of your way to pay attention to him? Playing a little flirty-flirty back at him when he does these nice things? Could be all he needs is a couple of clues on your end to let him know he’s got the green light. If you’re feeling in any way remedial on your flirty-flirty action, I’m sure there are plenty of manslatees that can give you some tips on this in the comments.
- He’s just hopelessly, hopelessly shy: Hey, some folks are just built that way. Could be that he needs you to make a move. I’d say, make it a casual one. “Hey…you wanna grab a coffee sometime?” Done and done. If only you could see me literally wiping all of the confusion off of my hands as I say that. This will take all the unnecessary tension out of the situation, and on with all the remaining tension, which is usually part of the fun.
Good luck, Deanna! I think this one’s a slam dunk, seriously. Give him a real green light. If that doesn’t work, grab that assist and send it into the basket, baby! As long as the team wins, honestly, who cares who scored the basket?
How can Deanna show this dude that he’s in the clear?
Posted: February 23rd, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from CeeCee
Time February 24, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Deanna I’m guessing that you are also shy.
I’d definitely start with a casual friend type cuppa somewhere neutral, then no pressure either way.
Re: conversations on the date, go casual/friendly to start with and gradually warm the conversation to more personal topics like his life/friends etc, and if still looking good ask if he wants to go on another date and say ‘date’ for your second outing if it gets that far (and I’m agreeing with Jeff that there probably will be).
I had a similar circumstance years ago. I planned a party specifically to invite him and at the party we just got to talking and it all started from there (he was a virgin – I wasn’t).
Comment from Selena
Time February 25, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Since he has brought you lunch before, why don’t you ask him if he’d like to have lunch with you one day? If that goes well, you could do it a couple more times, and/or invite him to do something with you, perhaps join you with your friends.
If he’s supershy this is a way of edging him into dating without being formal about it all. If he likes you as much as he seems to, maybe just spending more time socializing with you will make him comfortable enough to start suggesting dates on his own.
Comment from Deanna
Time February 25, 2009 at 8:44 pm
OMG, Jeff thanks so much for replying, I really appreciate it. And thank you for the comments so far!
I don’t know what to suggest, I guess? I’d like to get together with him one on one more often but I don’t know what are good dates to suggest or even how to do it. To CeeCee, I wouldn’t say I’m shy… actually, I’m more the polar opposite (which might be a problem in this situation too)- but I am terribly afraid of rejection.
I’ll take any suggestions on HOW to ask a guy out if anyone has any!
Comment from hunter
Time February 26, 2009 at 1:23 am
I remember being this way, or maybe worse, back in my days of being clueless. But, I remember asking lots of questions…
Comment from Selena
Time February 26, 2009 at 6:25 am
Deanna,
I gave you some suggestions in my comment above, but in addition, what does he like to do? If you know, use that as a spring board. You could say, “Hey, since I know you like ______ would you like to go with me to ______?”
Works for about anything. Bars, sports, movies, concerts, outdoor activities.
Since he brought you those DVD’s you could suggest he come over and watch them with you.
I like what CeeCee did, throw a party so that you can specifically invite him. I know that’s not one on one, but it would bring him closer to being comfortable socializing with you. Sometimes shy people have trouble with one on one initially – they worry they will run out of things to talk about. Socializing with a group at first takes the focus off of them. Remember the goal is to get him comfortable being around you, so he will feel able to ask you to do things with him.
Good luck and have fun.
Comment from MAUEEN
Time March 5, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Dearest Deanna. You did the first and excellent step in writing for advice on this topic as asking out someone is is fraught with so much anxiety that just knowing all the support nd advice is behind you will make you well versed and more confident. how do i know ? because i just asked a guy out who i have been crazy for for two years and I am so glad I did it. Not becuase he said yes(he did not..he did not say no either, very amibiguos answer, i have written to you Jeff about, BTW and waiting for my direction and insight, O great one)..any way, the pint is I felt unbeleiveably relieved, empowered, confident and kick ass like after i had done it and taken control into my own hands. The anguish of the situation disappeared almost overnight because i had taken tha step closer to my answer. Awesome for me !! anyway, simple, straightforward, friendly and casual is pretty fail safe way to ask ‘em ..”would you like to go out this Friday, maybe grab a coffee or shoot some pool”.. ..He’ll look taken aback or shy or happy or something (trust me, he’ll like it) and you can say some thing like “with me, i mean, go out with me?” as a joke..he’ll laugh, tension some what diffused and then pay close attention to his answer and write back to Jeff to analyse it. Good luck Deanna. Your dating destiny is on your side.
Comment from Deanna
Time March 6, 2009 at 11:00 am
Selena, MAUEEN, CeCe – thanks for the suggestions. MMagnolia and Hunter – thanks for the support.
So… I asked him out. Sorta. On different occasions and in different fashions and I’m not sure how to take the responses. When we’re out, it does feel like a date with the conversations regarding what he was like when he was younger and where he grew up to what his aspirations are, etc. He pays even if I insist on splitting… which, yeah, I normally do on dates.
But the thing is… it still feels like he’s holding back? I thought at one point maybe this isn’t being taken the way I’d like and perhaps he thinks my intentions are just friendly and now I’m heading for the Friend Zone?
I tested it out by talking about other guys in front of him and it usually stops him in his tracks and he immediately turns up the flirt factor but it doesn’t necessarily last very long…
I took the next step and I’m confused yet again! I mean, I think he has since implied he is not the most experienced guy and he is on the young side (early 20s) but I don’t know how to factor that into my analyzing of his behavior!
Comment from CeeCee
Time March 6, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Keep going Deanna. From a girls point of (and having been out with two male virgins & inexperienced – 22 & 25) you have been given the green light. He told you he is inexperienced. To me that is translated, you have to help me out here, because I don’t know what to do. I think you can be totally open with this guy and just speak plain talk, and take charge (gently does it tho’). He likes you and simply doesn’t know how or when to take the next step.
Simply ask him if he wan’t to take the next step. He’s not sure of the rules, so teach him the right rules of dating – the gentlemanly rules.
Hope this helps some more. Having been in similar situations twice and working out fine – I’m happy to help.
Cee
Comment from MAUEEN
Time March 6, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Deanna, you are very welcome. I find with guys that simple and straightforward and honest works best in trying to fnd out where you stand with him and a possible relationship future. But these things have to be done carefully..no edge of desparation in your voice or vibe, no sense of cornering him for an answer, no sense of frustration or irritation(even tho you may be feeling it) in your words cos we don’t want this to get awkward and ugly and weird..just light and casual and friendly and humourous if you can possibly manage it (wouldn’t you love to have a mini Jeff Mac on your shoulder telling you what to say and reading the signs back to you…yeah thats a secret wish of mine).. something like “hey, you know i love hanging out with you, its so much fun but i just kind of wondering, you know, if you are interested in me the way i am in you , you know like that..” smiling the whole time, paying close attention to body language and what he says..I guarantee you you will get alot of wushy washy ambuguity..you can say something like”wow, thats alot going on there in that answer,,how about check one of the following boxes..a)not in this life time b) yes, for sure c) yes, but not now d) none of the above…ha ha ha”..I’m not the best at this but you get the picture..I am not a comedian by along shot, Jeff, help me out here…Deanna , you should be very proud about taking such a mature stand on sorting out your life and this relationship..sounds liek it is all good so far..good luck…
Comment from hunter
Time March 6, 2009 at 4:33 pm
There are no dating rules……..we have a dating code………
Comment from MAUEEN
Time March 6, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Can anyone tell me what my askee outee meant when he said “well, i am kind of splitting up with my girlfriend right now, we were living togeher but we are separating but maybe after that ?” what the hey does that mean ? Is that a yes or a no?What do i do now? I wrote to Jeff about this but i know he’s got a ton of questions and I am desparate for an answer . Please some one help me out of my misery..I have liked this dude for about 2 years and finally worked up the guts to ask him out and now I am here .. Many thanks to all of you, sorry to ask on your post Deanna, I really am and i understand if anyone tells me to get back in line.
Comment from hunter
Time March 6, 2009 at 4:56 pm
It may mean two things: I have a girlfriend, do you still want to see me?….or, it could mean, I don’t want to see you, find someone else.
Comment from MAUEEN
Time March 6, 2009 at 5:28 pm
then why say he is splitting up and why not just the standard brush off “I have a girlfriend, no thanks”. My take is that he is NOT splitting up with her but keeping me as an option and in stall mode til he decides how he is going to handle this one(me), possibly on the side. Not sure. Thats my instincts speaking. Do I ask him again or leave him alone , inwhich case i am no further ahead with this guy where there might be a possibilty. Thanks hunter, so much.
Comment from Deanna
Time March 6, 2009 at 11:12 pm
Hunter… “There are no dating rules……..we have a dating code………” That’s so cryptic! What does that mean? Do you mind elaborating?
MAUEEN, I don’t mind sharing my post at all! Thanks for your input so far. I’m still so thankful for Jeff and everyone’s responses I hope I could help someone too.
It does seem like further clarification is needed here… is there indication that he isn’t planning on breaking up with the girl? If nothing explicit, then perhaps he really does need space to deal with the break up? Can you give more details as to how it went down?
Comment from hunter
Time March 6, 2009 at 11:24 pm
Maueen, most women don’t stick around to make it a threesome. He may have the hots for you and wants a F### buddy.
Comment from hunter
Time March 6, 2009 at 11:26 pm
CeeCee mentioned “gentlemanly rules”, I prefer to call it, “Dating Code”.
Comment from MAUEEN
Time March 7, 2009 at 10:05 am
THANKS DEANNA, I know he bought her flowers on Valentine’s day so how could he be breaking up with her. He did not look me straight in the eye when he was talking about the break up, kind of hummed and hawed about it .If he was not into me at all, then why not just say “no thanks”> I think i just want to know if he is into me , at this point, in whatever capacity. I don’t want to wait around til he “deals” with his break up.so if he is into me, which is my only logical conclusion, what the hey do i do now? 2 years of serious crushing to be wrapped up here. Thanks so much and hunter, you are right, i am not into threesomes, even with him.
Comment from Selena
Time March 7, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Maureen,
The guy is still in a relationship. It’s not over. Even if it’s shaky right now, he’s still “not done yet”. You are jumping the gun here sweetie.
You don’t want a guy who’s still so involved, still living with? his girlfriend. He won’t look you in the eye, hems and haws, is vague about going anywhere with you because HE STILL HAS A GIRLFRIEND.
You don’t want to wait around “til he “deals” with his break up”? What the ?does that mean if you want him now and he’s not even broken up?
My logical conclusion is despite your heavy 2 yr. crush, he isn’t into you. Otherwise, he would be with you and not his girlfriend. Do you think you might be reading more into what he says when you see him, because you want there to be more?
My intention is not to be mean, but seriously, you don’t need to be going after a guy who is still living with a girlfriend. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?
Comment from MAUEEN
Time March 7, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Hi Selena, thnaks so much for taking the time to answer and put things in perspective. By not hanging around til he deals with the breakup, I meant i would move on if there was nothing there for me , not that i would continue to pursue him even if he was with some one. You are right, I am def reading more into his every little move and word because I want so much for there to be more and a chance for me with him..but i know that is against all odds. I hate to break anyone up, not what i want at all. If he is not into me, then I have to start getting into the getting over him mode and I’m not ready to do that yet. Thanks for wake up call Selena, not mean at all.Deanna, I will give you your post back now, thanks for sharing…please keep us posted about the fella. And yes def factor in the age..guys that age are very skittish about even the word “relationship”. He def likes you tho..no doubt about that. Things will play out the way they are supposed to in the end, I always beleive.
Comment from hunter
Time March 7, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Maueen, you lust this man so much, that I, can almost taste it!…..some therapists recommend that people get dehorned with an old boyfriend/girlfriend, ’cause if you go onto someone new, that won’t work out, that just makes more work for the therapist!…..
Comment from Selena
Time March 8, 2009 at 7:09 am
Maureen,
I think your best bet is to avoid this guy as much as you can. Being around him, even casually, is reinforcing the crush. You will find it easier to move on if you never see him. “Out of sight, Out of mind” – ya know?
Good luck, I know how uncomfortable this situation can feel.
Comment from sarabella
Time May 5, 2009 at 5:45 pm
hunter,
your lust/dehorn insights are bell ringers, tho’ 2 and 24 months later.
seems similar to another’s advice that the best way to get ‘over’ someone is to get ‘under’ someone.
but, am thinking if it’s so easy, everyone would be doing it that way,…right.
wish could wish it
Comment from Ann
Time January 15, 2010 at 5:55 pm
I really need an advice here. There is that guy i just knew few months ago. He’s one of these shy quite guys aroung ppl whom he doesnt knw and espesially around girls. went out with him and some of my causins coz he’s my brother friend. while we were sitting and talking i knew he usually wakes up around 5A.m. and we all started talking of how he can make it up that early which is the opposite of all of us. Then there is that day where i started texted him good morning text messages for a whole week. where he also started two times from the three i started and he seems to be nice in text messages. i used to text him “how r u, whats up, what are u examing tomorrow and these kind of questions and he sends the same questions back to me. So does this seem that he might be entersting or is he just being nice. plus i get the feeling that he’s talkitive in messages and wants to keep texting me but doesnt know what exactly to talk about or how. Then there is that day where i havent texted him, but the day after i found a call from him and i called him back bu there was no answer, after an hour he texted me” Hi, how r u. Sorry my dad miss dailed you coz his phone is phone and wanted to call mum nd he miss dailed six other ppl. hope ur good. So i dont know i just knew him there is nothing much going between us. One day in our texts i texted him and he was like will u beleive me if i told u i was abou to text u now. Good morning! Ahh and one day through the texts i send was driving and istening to music thats y i havent heard ur message right away. He replied seriously, thats my favortie part:D. Then i sent him well will take u aride one day if u’d like too. he sent me yaea definatly jusst let me know and ill even drive and let you put the music too.”thats it i dont know if he’s interested or not. What can i do, what can i text, should i give him a call and start, or should i take it slowly and get to know him more personally, if yes how can i? i really need help and i dont know how.Thanks alot. Take care
Comment from mmagnolia
Time January 21, 2010 at 10:18 pm
Dear Ms. Ann,
Congratulations! Your recognition of feelings shows good, strong character.
Now…You need to rack up good strength to share those feelings! Wondering about Your Prince cannot feed any frog.
Mr. Shy showed positive response 2U, sooo, take the plunge! He can respond positively again. Fearless hearts win.
Your involvement with Him would be a Blessing for Him. Already, You are blessed by that honesty of *feelings*!
On a different bright side, if He doesn’t respond positively, You will avoid wasted time and needless anxiety. Smile!
Enjoy the cheers of Your priceless Peace!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time February 23, 2009 at 10:47 pm
Dear Deanna,
The shortest distance is the straightest!
Prof’s advice is foolish-proof, BUT…
U also need to have a “green light”.
Overlook GoldenBoy’s shyness, there’s a mammoth question unanswered!
Presume zero! Inhale! Ask Him if He’s
unattached; if He IS…..Hooray! Squeeze His hand as Udo a JM “grab coffee” thing!
Happy Returns of Espresso!