How To Predict His Post-Sex Behavior?
So, how do you tell if a guy is just trying to get you into bed, vs. actually, really-n-truly interested in you — before hopping into the sack. (Because lemme tell you, you’re gonna find out right after, boyo.) Lynn wants to know if there are ways to tell before taking the plunge, thereby allowing one to preclude said plunge if the prognosis is not good. Let’s find out…
You say a lot about women going ahead and having sex for the first time with her boyfriend whenever she is ready and it won’t make a difference in how he feels about her. Either he is into her or he isn’t.
Yeah, how I usually say this is that sex doesn’t change how he feels, it REVEALS how he feels. If he likes you, that’s one thing. If all he was after was the sex, well, he got it…so he will likely exit stage left. (Theatrical as that sounds, you needn’t feel that you need to applaud unless you really mean it.)
My question is, how do I tell the difference before hand? How do I know if he sincerely likes me or if he is just looking to get laid? I don’t think a couple of dates are enough time to determine his true feelings. That would be my reason for waiting,not to prolong the chase or put across a false facade of chastity. I would like to know his true “intentions” before having sex with him. I am not up to tossing sex out there every time I meet a new guy just to see if he sticks around afterward. So, how do I tell? How do I know if he is really into me, or just saying what I want to hear to get me into bed?
Dear Lynn,
Great question. Tough answer. It requires some rather cool-headed judgment, which…well, that can be tough to pull off. You’re dealing with a couple of obstacles, namely:
- Emotion Clouds Judgment: When you like somebody, or maybe like them, it’s not so easy to tell what’s happening because it’s all mixed up in what you HOPE is going to happen.
- Players Know about #1: Yeah, this is how the players play. They know what you’re hoping to hear, and they simulate it. Not perfectly, of course — just good enough to slip past your defenses. And usually when a player has gotten his play, the playee goes, “Oh, man! Duh! I totally should have seen that coming!” No shame there, of course. If you could always spot a con ahead of time, there would be no conmen, right?
So, what are some surefire ways to tell what a guy’s feeling before you do the deed?
- WHAT’S YOUR HURRY?: A guy just looking to get laid is always going to try to minimize the time in between “now” and “your pants.” How’s your guy doing with time? Impatient? Does he seem to be in a big hurry to get there? Well, of course he is, but is EVERYTHING that he does leading in that direction, or does he seem to enjoy the non-sex time with you just as much? That can be simulated, of course. It’s not always 100% easy to tell. But if ALL of his interest in you is pushing in that direction, well, how can you be sure that’s not all the interest he’s got? You can’t be sure.
- WHERE ARE WE?: Are you meeting up solely in places/times that could lead to sex? Is it only at bars, and late, late in the evening, round about the, “Hey, do you want to maybe get out of here?” hour? Is he setting up any “get to know you by spending time with you” dates, or just “clear springboard to nekkid” dates? Still not conclusive, but it’s another clue. For conclusive, you need this last one…
- WAIT UNTIL YOU KNOW: If you really don’t know whether or not a guy will stick around afterward, hey, just wait until you do. If you don’t know what he’s going to do after sex, maybe sex isn’t what you should be doing with him yet. Nothing wrong with waiting until you feel like you’ve got a handle on his interest level. And you can even tell him exactly that if he’s gunning for your nether regions right off the bat. As in, “I like you, but I just don’t have it in me to hop into bed with someone and then never see them again. I’m not saying that’s what you’re like, all I’m saying is that I want to take it easy on that until we know each other a little better.” Now, all guys will hear that and say, “Sure, of course, no problem! I feel the same way!” But a player might keep his foot on the gas in a big, big way, testing your resolve on that issue. Trying to make you feel like there’s something wrong with you for wanting to wait, trying to jedi-mind-trick you into second guessing yourself. If you feel in any way like he’s making you feel badly about wanting to wait, you can now be sure that you SHOULD wait.
The point is, Lynn, you want to let the players know that you’re not going to get caught up in the whirlwind of, “God, I’m so crazy about you, I’ve got to have you NOW NOW NOW!” But at the same time, you don’t want to be accusing all guys of maybe being a player. The point is to let him know that you will have sex when YOU want to, and not just when HE wants to.
The good news is, once a player realizes that you’re serious about waiting, though, he will likely suddenly get “crazy busy” and you’ll be rid of him.
Oh ladies — how do YOU tell if a guy’s interested before the physical act of lurve?
Posted: February 27th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Selena
Time February 27, 2009 at 9:10 am
Is he interested in you? Or just getting laid by you? That is the question. With some experience (lol!) I can say that often the signs of which is which is fairly obvious.
Does he seem to genuinely enjoy your company? Spending hours talking with you about anything and everything? Delighted when he finds things you have in common? Or when talking with him, now matter how innocuous the subject, he makes sexual references/comments/inuendo every 15 minutes or less? Clue: single focused male here.
Is he is very physical from the get go? Sitting so close your thighs touch (or will)? Stroking your back? Playing with your fingers? This is a guy who’s hoping to get sex from you SOON.
Does he take you places where you will meet his friends? Someone who’s crazy about you will want to do this, they want to integrate you into the rest of their life, maybe show you off a little. The guy who just wants to get laid isn’t going to care about that. In fact, he may not want to be seen with you in some venues because it could cramp his style if there were other women around he wanted to “do” (or was already “doing”).
Related, do your dates involve actually going places at all? Or do they seem to almost exclusively involve his couch or yours?
How does he make time for you? A guy who’s really interested will want to spend as much time with you as you will allow him. Sometimes even blowing off other things to be with you. The stricktly sex guy is more apt to give you the impression he has so much going on in his life he’s just lucky he can spare an hour or so for you here and there. Hint: he doesn’t want to committ more time to you than it takes to get sex.
Overall, though you can never predict in advance how a relationship will turn out, the more comfortable you feel KNOWING somebody before sex the happier you are likely to feel about it the next day. I don’t have an answer for long/how much time you need to spend with someone to reach that level of comfort. Mileage may vary.
Comment from K-Rod
Time February 27, 2009 at 11:02 am
Awesome question we’ve all been wondering about! I feel the same way that the requester does about this. Great answer, Jeff. I applaud (you said we could) your throwing the jedi mind trick in there. Since we know that men wish they were jedis, they may as well use the force somewhere…and we ladies seem like perfect targets!
I agree on the wait it out and see. I think this line of yours says it all – If you don’t know what he’s going to do after sex, maybe sex isn’t what you should be doing with him yet. One addition to it would be: if you care about what would happen afterward. The thing is that ladies have the more emotional side going on in the early stages of relationships, and we tend to CARE about what he’s going to do after sex. If we didn’t care, then the question would be moot. Even if whether we do it or not doesn’t play into whether he is going to stay around or not (i.e. either he likes us or he doesn’t), it does matter if we are going to WANT him to and he doesn’t – because that is all about our emotions. That’s the key.
By the way, there is a hilarious video on “What Would Penis Do?” on YouTube that basically says it all. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXmPFJqTHKo&feature=channel
Comment from Terry
Time February 27, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Loved your take on this, Jeff.
This isn’t 100% foolproof, either, but I’ve noticed that guys (and girls) who are really into someone, aren’t in that much of a hurry to get into bed. They don’t want to “ruin things.” It’s when you don’t really care what happens that you go for it.
Does that mean I’ve never seen a marriage come out of first-date sex? No. I’ve seen one (but just one).
Comment from Char (PSI Tutor)
Time March 3, 2009 at 7:38 pm
How do I know what his intentions are? I look to his behaviour.
I have found that some guys want to believe they don’t just want sex, that they are “more substantial” than that, but as things pan out (me saying “no rush” at the first meeting 
that’s actually what they wanted.
To each their own, I’m going in a different direction. Not looking for forever, just to experience life with persons who are interested in me as a person. Who knows~ maybe I will get married/have another long-term relationship one day, if not no drama.
Ironically, the blokes that “just want sex” are almost always the people who are so angry if they feel that “someone is trying to take advantage of me”.
Double standards maintained.
Comment from Melissa
Time March 3, 2009 at 8:59 pm
Here’s the bottom line: if they care, they share. Men are wonderfully generous with their time and energy when they are into you. The activities they enjoy doing with you vary cos they want to know much more about you.
When a guy is just out for one thing, their behavior reflects this and it very uncomfotable with the lady in question if she desires more from him. Inequity in feelings becomes obvious very quickly. Listen to your gut.
Also, when a man really values a woman, and is looking into the possibility of a long term relationship with her, he is content to take his time getting physical. It makes it all that much sweeter.
Good luck to you, and keep a cool eye…do not allow yourself to be pressured into fearing that you may “lose him” if you don’t give in. Let the shoe be on the other foot…he should be the one to fear turning YOU off if he get’s too pushy. And men are very well acquainted with this line of thinking with women.
All my best,
Melissa
Comment from Fran
Time September 24, 2009 at 9:10 am
Char, you’re so right on.
Comment from Ann Wesley Hardin
Time February 27, 2009 at 7:31 am
I can tell by MY feelings about HIM. If I’m not totally into him, he’ll stick around post-coitus — ad nauseum. If I AM into him, he’ll disappear. LOL.
Bottom line is to not ever be too into someone too early.
How to do this? Practice…practice…practice…*sigh*