Why Does He Have Her In Relationship Quarantine?
We’ve got a reader who is completely confused with her serial-booty status. Not to be confused with “cereal booty status” which just means that after you do it you eat Lucky Charms. Awesome arrangement, very rare.
Anyway, this guy keeps on coming back to her, again and again…well, except for during those times when he’s dating someone else and doesn’t want to see her. Why is he keeping her in quarantine, and yet he seems able to date OTHER women just fine? I have a feeling we’re all thinking the same thing. Let’s see…
Ok, so I’m completely confused.
Ok.
Please help me to understand.
Yes, indeed.
I’ve know this guy for let’s say 2-3 years.
Let’s do.
We had one date when we first met then after a few months sex came into play. Just about every weekend he’d ask me over, we’d spend a few hours together, then he would go to sleep and I would go home. So technically it was a booty call. Only problem was it was always on his terms, when he wanted, and I always had to go home. With-in these few years we talked on the phone, emailed, chated, text, ect. Every so often, he would find someone he wanted to date and tell me that he didn’t want to see me anymore because he was going to be seeing someone else. So months would go by and I would get a few emails from him but that’s about it.
Gosh, I wonder if I might be able to guess what happens next…
Then outta the blue he would wanna see me again.
Whaaaaaaaat??? Why, I am shocked. Shocked, I say!
Every weekend until he found someone else that he wanted to date. And so on and so on. Always ending up back with me coming over on the weekends. He tells me he has no feelings other than that of being friends and that nothing is ever going to come of our our friendship except for the great sex.
Know how I talk about when there’s a conflict between what a man says and what he does? This is not one of those times.
He says he loves being with me intimately. That he thinks I’m a great gal and have a lot going for me. I’m extremely talented and no one has even come close to what I do for him but that’s all it is and there’s nothing more between us. Funny thing is,no matter how many times he tells me he doesn’t want to see me anymore, he always ends up contacting me somehow.
Having worded that last sentence as you did, I can see why it might have been confusing for you. I’ll explain in a second.
Now, I really care about this guy and I like what we do when we’re together but I’m tired of being a booty call.
Why will he date other women and even have a boyfriend girlfriend relationship with them but he keeps me in a box on the shelf until he wants me. Oh and as far as I know, none of his friends or family know about me… I kinda feel like I
have some sort of fatal disease and he feel the need to quarantine me from them…lol
Can you explain please… I am a booty call, right???
Thanks, Completely Confused…
Dear ComConf,
Well, to answer your last question, yes, you are most definitely a booty call, as you suspected. So that’s not really the question. But your assessment of his behavior needs, I think, a minor tweak. I’ll quote you and, then update it to what I think you need to consider:
You said:
Funny thing is,no matter how many times he tells me he doesn’t want to see me anymore, he always ends up contacting me somehow.
It seems like you’re reading something deeper into him here. Something along the lines of, “When is he going to realize that we should be together as boyfriend/girlfriend!?” Try this on for size:
Funny thing is, he doesn’t mind having great, no-strings-attached sex with me whenever he has nothing better to do.
Not as confusing when you describe it like that, is it?
WHY DOES HE DATE OTHERS AND NOT YOU?
Who knows why, ComConf? I mean, is there a really great answer to that? Or, in fact, are there more answers to that than the simple one? He wants a girlfriend, but doesn’t think of you, specifically, as a girlfriend. He is attracted to you sexually, but does NOT want sex with you to interfere with something else with someONE else.
Doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you, doesn’t even mean he doesn’t respect you. What it means is that he isn’t interested in dating you. If he was interested in that, well, he’d be doing it. It would be very, very easy for him to do it. Only explanation for the fact that he’s NOT is that he doesn’t want to.
PRESCRIPTION: OPERATION NO-MO-BOOTY
Here’s what I say, ComConf. If you were ok with the state of affairs here, I’d say that your “relationship” such as it is actually is pretty stable. When it works, it happens. When it doesn’t, it doesn’t happen. Simple, right? Yeah, except for that part where you don’t like it. So here’s what you do. Stop.
And don’t just stop DOING it. Stop thinking that by doing it, something might change. It will not.
When he calls, say, “Nah, you know, I don’t think I’m into the booty call thing anymore.” And then — and this is important — never listen to anything more he says on the subject. At all. His behavior is clear. Eject! Eject! Eject!
Good luck, ComConf. And remember, this isn’t mixed signals. When he wants to have sex with you, he does. When he doesn’t, he doesn’t. Pretty straightforward. Don’t give him credit for being cunning here. He’s not.
What say you, manslatees? Ever fallen in with one of these fellows? How’s you extricate yourself?
Posted: March 4th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from K-Rod
Time March 4, 2009 at 7:48 am
Read Jeff’s book…STAT.
Comment from Sassy
Time March 4, 2009 at 11:47 am
Ditto.
You keep letting him do what he wants while you passively go along for the ride. (hee hee. couldn’t resist)
Take care of yourself. You don’t like this, don’t need this, don’t want this. Walk away.
Best of luck.
Comment from Liz C
Time March 4, 2009 at 11:55 am
I don’t see where he’s keeping you on the shelf. Sounds to me like you’re keeping you on the shelf. Are you dating other people? It’s not like he can stop you or anything. Sounds like you’re waiting for something that ain’t gonna happen.
I agree with the above — walk away, say NO and mean it. You need to be done with this.
Comment from Laura
Time March 4, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Yeah, I like the part where Jeff says that if he’d be interested in dating you he’d do it. In the past I’ve sometimes been reading too much into something, and really, ending it is the best solution. It’s really hard but so very worthy (specially for self-esteem…)
Comment from Catherine
Time March 4, 2009 at 12:51 pm
It was clear from the start. What was she thinking?
Comment from Ali
Time March 4, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Sounds like you would love to be the one he dates… but as JM said he is not going to, so either enjoy the sporadic booty call or move on. If you are so talented then you should have NO problem finding who to share this talent with. Move on, girl!
Comment from Valencia
Time March 4, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Going through this right now. Ok , I get it. Hearing “move on” and saying it is easy. The hard part is doing it and dealing with my feelings. I want to be the girl he dates….YES, Guilty. Why not me? That is my question. Argh. Where’s my pint of ice cream.
Comment from Heather
Time March 4, 2009 at 5:13 pm
No doubt it will be a hard thing to do. Sexual attraction is necessary but it can’t be the only thing. Good luck!
Comment from Ali
Time March 4, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Valencia,
I know it’s easier said than done… but u are only setting yourself up for heartbreak. Enjoy the time spent with him ’cause by the looks of it if you keep up the “why-not-me” attitude, he is going to pick up on that and walk (fade) away. I’m struggling right now with a “fader” and I know it’s NOT fun. But in order to keep my sanity and not “bust the windows” of his car, I need to get a grip of myself, eat 2 (yes not 1) pints of ice cream and then get pretty and go find me another booty call. Nothing else I can do!
Comment from Selena
Time March 4, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Two – three years is rather a long time to be just a booty call. Did you ever date anyone else during these years?
Beyond the obvious “dump him”, have you ever considered trying counseling? Might give you some insight as to why you’ve been lingering in this kind of relationship for so long. And hopefully avoid a repeat with someone else.
Comment from Cyn
Time March 4, 2009 at 8:58 pm
To the original poster and Valencia — oh, yes, moving on is MUCH easier said than done! Been there, done that, bought the proverbial T-shirt, plus a ton of other souvenirs! Yuck. But, you gotta do it and get back some of that self-esteem.
After consuming mass quantities of M&Ms (my version of the ice cream therapy!), I finally was able to think of myself as absolutely, totally worthy of a man who wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him. And guess what? It worked and I couldn’t be happier with my sweetie.
But…it has to start with you. I’m sending you both tons of positive thoughts, and don’t ever, ever doubt you are worthy. Because you are.
Comment from K-Rod
Time March 5, 2009 at 8:08 am
The thing is that whenever you give someone “room” in your heart, that space is not available to someone else who may come along. I know it’s hard to let go of something, but the realization that it’s not a mutual feeling does help toward that end. At least it’s helped me in the past. Knowing that, hey why am I reserving this space for someone who doesn’t want it? Also realizing that if he was Mr. Right he WOULD want it… so for your own good you free that space. Just because we feel one way doesn’t mean the guy feels the same way. It’s confusing for us because, in general, women don’t do the kinds of things that men do unless we have those feelings. And we can’t make someone feel something that they don’t. And who would want to try to anyway.
Comment from MAUEEN
Time March 5, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Dearest ComConf. You have the sympathy of all of us. I can feeeeel the anguish in your letter to Jeff. Life is too short to waste another day on this type of person when thats another day gone by when you could have been happy. I know you like/love him and it hurts like hell but there is a saying that goes something like “if you keep doing what you’re doing you will always get what you’ve got”some thing like that. anyway, girlfriend, time to break the habit. It’s excruciatng, i know, esp if you like him so much but its time. So very time. Better things await you. And you know, life never turns out how you expect. He might be the one running after you, begging you to come back..but hey, too bad, mister..I got me moving along. Good luck.
Comment from LK
Time March 6, 2009 at 6:24 am
ComConf – I am sorry this happened to you. BootyCall, when one-sided, is a pretty selfish situation. But the upside is he’s been clear about his thoughts/actions and since it’s equally clear you want something else, you need to clear your decks so you can find that “something else”.
BC’s for me have always been that, and I’ve appreciated those relationships for what they were realizing that they were nothing more. What I had trouble with, it was maybe more of “Mooty Call?” If that’s a term? Basically, when someone brain f***s you without the sex. All the mental/emotional stuff with no physical contact. Boy, was that a personal beating! My first relationship post-divorce; and only occurred because my marriage was more “BC” than anything and it lacked the mental part.
Find balance in your life, CC. Take this situation as a learning experience, define what you do want in your world, and once you know what that is (not WHO that is) he will find you. I pinky swear!
Comment from Selena
Time March 6, 2009 at 8:03 am
I’ve never heard the term “Mooty call”.
I was briefly in a similar relationship once though.
I called it impotence.
Comment from Nhina
Time March 7, 2009 at 7:04 am
Firstly, let me just say, I have really enjoyed reading your translations Jeff! Very insightful indeed.
And Comconf, so many of us have been through this situation and I understand the hurt that it entails! Booty calls are fun, but not if one party wants more then just great sex. I went through a similar situation recently where I had pretty much fallen for this guy who only wanted sex. It definitely hurts. And I too was questioning his words/actions, desperate to find something more tangible! But it really wasn’t there, no matter how hard I looked.
You know you’re awesome and that any guy will be lucky to have you. If this guy can’t see it (which he obviously can’t) then it’s definitely time to move on!
Best of luck!!
Comment from Valencia
Time March 9, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Great to read everybody’s comments…looks like alot of us have been there…Thanks for the comments, esp. to Cyn and Ali. Off to eat my pint o’ ice cream right now…Grr, trying to move on… but, thing is…I wish he was thinking of me… I know I know….better off w/o him…Ice cream!
Comment from mybest
Time March 10, 2009 at 12:48 am
I hope that you have more ice cream in the freezer, you may need it after this.
Please consider the possibility that you already have the relationship you want to have. It is possible to be addicted to the bad feelings you get from not being able to pull off the impossible.
There is a payoff for you here; you are the only one who can figure out what it is. Good luck to you, you can break this pattern if you want to.
Comment from Ali
Time March 10, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Valencia,
U have no idea how similar our situation is… I wanted a booty call first, was fine with it for a while but then things just went from steaming hot to warm and then to the yucky stage of cold. I wish he’d think of me as much as I think of him… I wished more than anything than he goes thru this withdrawal phase. I actually thought of getting together again. Get him all hot, worked up and bothered and then just walk away… that would help so much, knowing that I had the last word somehow… I know its immature and childish but it beats bussting his windows right? (jk, really!)
Comment from Valencia
Time March 10, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Ok,
Crap…MyBest made me stop and think for a minute. I think she’s right…I may be addicted to the crap feeling. That’s an “ah-ha” moment. I want to stop.
Ali,
I wish too he went thru the withdrawal phase…undoubtedly he’s not…and has someone else available to booty call. And I did see him one more time…and I did just that…walked away…at the bar (he was shocked). He and 1 of his friends were being disrespectful. No booty for jerks. (I’m thinking of writing in to Jeff for a manslation.) It didn’t help, promise…In fact I rehearse what happened in my head…and think about why he turned into an jerk, trying to understand my role, and then sadly…wistful…that I didn’t do the booty… Now how messed up is that?! 
No worries…immature and childish can be good sometimes.
Comment from Ali
Time March 11, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Valencia,
I’ve been putting all my frustration with this guy in writing. I’m not going to send it to him of course, although it’s coming out really good (wish you could read it…) everytime I think of something that he did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say, you know, I’ll write down. I’ve read it aloud, to my friends and it has helped tremendously. I have to talked myself out of texting, calling, e-mail for today at least. One baby step at a time and lots and lots and lots of ice cream and retail therapy. It’s working so far!
Comment from AnneZ
Time March 4, 2009 at 7:24 am
Yes. Absolutely. Rip this bandaid off. I would not be complimented by the “you’re ‘talented’” bit. It speaks very loudly to how he thinks of you.
Shut the door. Change your number. Book every weekend for the next 18 months, even if you have to sign up the Peace Corps to do so.
Peace Corps ain’t such a bad idea, after all. You need to develop more of yourself than your certain “talent” so you stop defining yourself like that. It ain’t doing you any favors.
And just in case you didn’t really hear what Jeff said, I’ll repeat him. There is no conflict here–what he says is what he does. He said there will never be a relationship and there never will be. Be the captain of your own fate again and steer away from him.
It will be hard, but so worth it. You can do it!