manslations

A reader name KitKat is getting ready to move in with her guy, followed by one a’ those wedding thangs. Sounds great, right? Yeah, except the whole part where he won’t answer questions about where he goes, what he does, who with, etc. And gets mad when she even asks simple, “So, what’dja do today” questions. Red flag? Mmmmmmmmperhaps. Let’s get more details.

I found this site a few months ago, subscribed to the newsletter and in that time, I’ve decided, Jeff….you are a genius.

If I’m such a genius, how come I’m not sure what you mean by “newsletter,” huh? Oh right, the email subscription option thingie, right, right. Ok. I’m a genius again. Whew.

That said, I wouldn’t mind picking your brain for some help on figuring out my ol’ man.

Ol’ man, eh? You two ridin’ a hog cross country, are ya?

Here’s the deal….We met Aug 2007, he’s a tattoo artist, I showed up at his work to get a tattoo, ended up getting myself a man instead.

Wow, you weren’t kidding with the “ol’ man” thing. Far out, KitKat. Far effing out.

We’ve been together almost since that point.  We lived together for a while but in Jan 2009 he left me.  After a week he started talking about needing to come over and talk.  He did, we ended up getting back together, sorta, he didn’t actually ask me to be his girl again until V-day.  He’s extremely “I’ll do what I want, when I want and don’t ask me for details” that sounds worse than it is in actuality but that sums it up pretty well.

Doing what he wants when he wants is…well, that’s called “freedom” and I know I read about that somewhere in a Declaration of some kind or other. Nothing wrong there per se, though it might be a little, er, declarative. As in, why would he think he would NOT be allowed to do that? Could there be a spooky, controlling ex haunting his brain, mayhaps? Did he used to date King George? Yeah, that was a longshot.

But really, it’s that second part about, “don’t ask me for details” that I find worrisome. Again, it could just be that you’re paying the bill that his OLD ol’ lady ran up, so to speak. But still, it’s not going to fly for long. More on that in a second.

He plays his cards very close to the vest.

Ok, look, I don’t trust anybody who even wears a vest, let alone plays cards in one. But I will put my bias aside for the moment.

Maybe that’s a better way of putting it.  Anyhow, he’s talking about getting married, I’m supposed to move in with him in a couple of weeks.  I haven’t been in a situation where the place I was going to be living wasn’t mine (as in they moved in with me, not the other way around) in about 4 years and I’m not really comfortable with the idea of “relying” on a man again for a place to live.  That’s me though, I know where I’m screwed up.  Back to him….marriage, buying a house, moving in together before then.  All of that stuff, but I’m not supposed to ask him where he’s been, what he’s been doing or what’s going on with him or he gets defensive and acts like I’m accusing him of sleeping around on me.  Even when the intent is innocent like asking what he did that day instead of wording it just perfectly so that it can’t be taken any way but how it was meant which was how was your day?  I’ve got some red flags going on here Jeff, seriously.  Am I being paranoid or is there something he’s hiding that I should be watching out for?

Dear KitKat,

Yes, I’d definitely say you’ve got some red flags going on here. However, I don’t know that that necessarily means he’s hiding something specific. I can’t really tell that one way or the other from what you’ve described. But you don’t need to worry about that.

Manslata what?

Yep. The good news is that you don’t need to worry about any deep, dark secrets he’s keeping from you. See, you’re going to have to resolve this, “don’t ask-don’t tell” behavior either way. And in resolving that issue, the other one becomes moot. Or “moo” if you are Joey Tribbiani.

And the bad news?

Yeah, there’s bad news. The bad news is that you’re going to have to slug this issue out and resolve it even if he’s doing NOTHING untoward behind your back. Even if that’s true (and it really might be) his defensiveness and secrecy are definitely going to be a problem. Like, a Bill Paxton-game-over-man style problem. Bank on it.

(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: That’s just an expression. Don’t really involve your bank, they won’t know what you’re talking about.)

VE HAVE VAYS OF MAKINGK YOU HAVE ZEE TALK

Ok, so you’re going to have to address this, and so is he. It’s gonna involve talking. And he is not gonna like it. But here’s the thing: there’s obviously something that he doesn’t like already.

I’d start there. I’d start right at, “Listen, I get the sense that you really don’t like it when I ask you questions. About your day, about what you did, whatever it is. It makes me feel like you either think I’m being nosy, or you are actually hiding something. But whatever it is, it feels lousy to have the guy who is about to be your husband snap at you for asking about your day. How can we do this so you don’t get angry, and at the same time I don’t feel like I just got the door slammed in my face?”

That last idea is important. You’re not asking him, “Hey, how come you’re being like this?” You’ll get there, but a more important question is, “How can WE work on this and FIX it?” As in, it’s not You vs. Him (as Rocky the Flying Squirrel might note, that trick never works) it’s asking him to be with you in the battle against THIS THING that is coming between you.

Again, he’s might not respond favorably at first. Like, at all. Your job is to disarm the situation by refusing to either a.) back away from the question, OR b.) get caught up in a screaming match about it. When he snaps at you, go with, “I know, I know this is, like, the last conversation you want to have. But it’s really important to me. I’m having a hard time getting psyched about all of this moving in/marriage stuff when we can’t even talk about what’s going on.”

REMEMBER: PRIVATE, NOT SECRET

To help defuse his initial reaction, also make sure you add in there a little, “Look, I’m not trying to pry into your privacy. Privacy is totally cool. It’s secrecy that concerns me. Big difference.” Privacy means, “Just for me.” Secrecy means, “NOT for you!”

Good luck, KitKat. This talk may be very, very challenging. But skillful couples take challenging conversations and turn them into ways of actually getting WAY closer than they were before.

What do you think, ladies? This guy hiding something? How can KitKat find out?