How To Reveal the Baggage?
A reader calling herself “BagLady” has what she describes as “baggage” that she’d like to unload. Trouble is, she hasn’t been able to figure out how and when to reveal this stuff to a dude without sending him into a LetMeHelpYouWithThat spiral of epically annoying proportions. How can she navigate this a little better? Let’s get some more detail and then manslate the crap out of this, shall we? Sweet.
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: This is a pretty long post, so gird your loins, people. Hey! I said GIRD them! Now! Thank you.)
Hi–long time lurker, first time manslation requester. More a manstrategy request.
No problem. Any pun involving the word “man” will suffice here. (There’s someone who thinks my next book should be called “Manstipations.” Which, er, might not happen.)
First, let’s get it out there. I HAVE BAGGAGE. I have a specific Bad Thing that happened to me. Not divorce (which I would argue can be a really good thing), but that other Bad Thing that happens mostly to women (okay, it was rape).
This is where you say you’re sorry–I know you are, thank you–thanks for being one of the good guys.
Yes, yes, indeed. This IS, in fact, the part where I say I’m sorry. Additionally, I’d like to see that man castrated. Well, maybe not SEE it, per se. But I sure wouldn’t mind reading about it on “The Smoking Gun” or something.
The Bad Thing is in the past (5+ years). I’ve had therapy. Clearly it would have been nice if it hadn’t happened, but I’m still a good person with a good life and a generally positive outlook. I’m Good with the Bad Thing.
Good for you for taking this thing head on. Now, let’s get your bad self off on the good foot, shall we?
But the men, not so much. I prefer to be open and straightforward, but when men hear about the Bad Thing they all assume that I’m a trembling mess who’s going to require industrial-strength Man Help with my baggage.
Yeah, I thought they might assume that. Sorry about that, too. A lot of men don’t like it when a.) something bad has happened, and b.) there is nothing they can do/build/smash/buy/fix to remedy it. In a lot of ways, we don’t really know how to interact with “trouble” other than to try (and, in this case, fail) to solve it.
The way I look at it is, it’s my bag. I didn’t pick it out, but I own what’s in it, and I’ll carry it, and I only mentioned it because, you know, sometimes you have to wait with me at the carousel because when we travel together, sometimes I have this extra bag.
As an aside, I LOVE the men who think they’re gonna find a woman with no baggage. If you date me, you are, in all likelihood, 40 or above (‘cos I’m almost 40). You have two choices. You are dating starlets or women with baggage. Indeed, the odds are good that at 40 you’ve already dated women with this particular luggage set–the manufacturer made a lot of them.
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Are there still “starlets” out there?)
So, what to do? Do I hide the luggage? “Me? No. I have this teeny tiny purse, just like Grace Kelly in Rear Window. See, it opens and weightless negligees explode out of it. Nothing substantial at all. I can carry it with one finger.” And then I can summon up a vapid giggle.
Do I say that I have baggage but refuse to tell what it is, leveraging some kind of mystery-vibe? If so, do I need to dress like Lauren Bacall or start smoking?
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: If you make this many references to glamorous heroines of old movies, you might wind up attracting the wrong kind of man. Or, rather, you might be the wrong kind of man for the kind of man you’ll be attracting.)
Or do I tell the men about the luggage and go back into therapy when their reactions are…well, really, they can be awful. And this is from the nice guys. Some have the script (“I’m sorry this happened it wasn’t your fault you’re awesome and he’s a bad, bad man”–imagine this read by a nervous third grader in a Christmas pageant.) Some are just all “whaaa?” But generally after the initial speech comes the horror and the disgust and the “why didn’t you just kick him in the nuts and run away?”
Ugh. Yeah, thanks for the hindsight there, Einstein. Gosh, don’t I just feel so foolish for not having thought of that brilliant plan in the moment? Ugh.
Look, honestly, I feel for them, I do, because there’s no perfect reaction and it sucks, and some of them seem to have some guilt about owning the same equipment as a rapist (dude, if you drove the same car as a drunk driver, would you feel guilty? would you worry that the car was going to kill your girlfriend?). But they live here on earth where this happens. To be frank, if I can survive it, they can survive the 9-word summary. I agree that it’s creepy, and I can see that they might need help dealing with it, but again, here on earth, people are not always all about the rainbows and lollipops. You live here, you date here. I’m just saying.
Yep, the price of admission is that some stuff just absolutely blows. Some folks never get used to that, and I really feel for them, too. I mean, half of life is always going to be lousier than the other half. (That’s called “math.”) Our options are:
- Get better at accepting and dealing with the bad stuff, OR
- Get better at avoiding most of your life so you don’t encounter as much stuff.
And you can usually tell which one somebody has picked within about 2 minutes of knowing them, you know?
My current strategy is to hide the baggage where no one but my good friends can see it and not date. Because I don’t want to date someone I can’t be honest with, and I’m tired of being the one-woman Bad Thing Education Band.
Can’t blame you, of course. But that sounds like something less than SuperHappyDelicious.
It’s not that I think it’s a winning strategy–it feels like a “some day my prince will come” dating strategy, which I would class a “non-winner.” But I can’t think of a better one. Can you? Can your readers? I know the good guys
are out there. Is there a way to make it easy for men to just get their space to freak out and figure out what they’re doing and then either be a jerk or be a good guy?
Dear BagLady,
Well, first of all, I applaud you for approaching this question with such wide-open eyes. Seems like you’re really thinking at this thing from all directions, and that’s good. Let me give you one more direction to think from — HIS.
As I mentioned before, guys like to fix stuff. Well, to be more general, guys like to DO stuff. A lot of men feel very, very uncomfortable without a job to do. So my first piece of advice is to address that head on:
YOU’RE SETTING THE TONE
Virtually everybody you decide to tell about your past (male or female, I think) is going to have one thing in common — they’re going to be looking to YOU for guidance on how to deal with you on this. Where is she at with this? What does she want me to do? That’s going to be the big one for a lot of the guys you’re likely to meet. What can I DO? What is my job here?
Ok, before you even say it, don’t bother. I know. I know that you don’t need him to “do” anything or “fix” anything or…well, ANYthing anything. I know, I know. The thing is, he doesn’t know. For better or worse, men don’t understand that. From the perspective of a lot of men, our gut reaction is, “Well…why would she bother to tell me about this problem if she didn’t want my help solving it?” For a lot of guys, the only purpose of talking about a problem is what you’re going to DO about it.
So, what can you do? Let’s do this using a list of three D words. Why? Oh who knows why I do anything?
- DEFUSE: First thing you are going to need to do is to address his initial reaction by getting there ahead of him. “…and I’m ok, and everything. I don’t want you to feel like you have to XYZ about this,” and so on. He’s likely going to feel like whatever his reaction is, it’s not the right one.
- DIRECT: Give him a job to do. What, exactly, DO you want out of telling a man about this stuff? Because I can tell you two things about it. #1) He sure doesn’t know, and #2) the right guy, given that information, will DO it. Like, yesterday. Hell, even most of the wrong guys probably will. If you tell him what. As in, “Listen, I don’t need this to be fixed, it is what it is. I’m telling you this so that…” What? He’s looking for hints as to what you’re hoping he’ll do. Tell him directly, and he’ll do it. Really know why you’re telling him. Hey, maybe you’re not sure yourself. Well, you can only imagine how sure HE is, then.
- DECIDE: It might make some sense to really pay attention to WHO you tell once you know WHY you’re telling it. As in, maybe this isn’t a piece of information you tell a guy to find OUT if he’s the right guy. This is information to tell once you already believe he’s the right guy to hear it. Put another way, if you’re not sure he can handle this information, you’re under no obligation to tell.
THE DOWNSIDE TO HOLDING THIS INFO BACK
Hey look, there’s another D word. How…not very coincidental.
I was trying to think of a reason you should NOT withhold this information until you feel comfortable that the guy can handle it in a way that you need him to. I honestly can’t think of any. I’m not suggesting lying, or pretending to be someone you’re not. I’m talking about only feeling like you have to tell a guy something when it concerns him.
What you tell, when you tell, and who you tell are 100% your business. And I can’t imagine why a guy would have a problem with learning this WHENEVER you feel ok about telling him.
THE BAD NEWS
You say you don’t want to be the One-woman Bad Thing Education Band. Yeah…you might still have to be a little bit. But maybe not in the way you’re thinking. See, you don’t have to educate him about the Bad Thing, per se, not any more than you want to. What you have to educate him on is, what is HIS job now that you’re telling him whatever you’re telling him.
I know it sucks to have to do that, but I’ll tell you what — for most guys, if we know what you’re expecting (and not expecting) from us, we’re pretty good at giving it to you. And anybody who doesn’t do that even after he knows what you need? Well, that’s a pretty good douchebag litmus test right there.
Good luck, BL! Educate him on HIS role, and you’ve set the terms for the whole shebang.
What’s your advice ladies? Any good strategies? How about lousy ones to rule out?
Posted: March 9th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from AnneZ
Time March 9, 2009 at 9:08 am
Honestly, this makes me a little crabby. Why are men so obsessed with “why” you need or say something? I suppose the perfect world for men is where no one ever talks because apparently the only reason they can think of that anyone ever does is bound to be underhanded.
What’s wrong with a guy just saying, “What a terrible thing. Would you like to tell me more about it?”
Why does he have to need to assume she has an agenda in revealing it? She says it because it’s part of who she is. Obviously he can’t fix it. It already happened. The only agenda she has is that now he knows it, she can refer to it if she wants to.
What if they’re at a party and she talks to a lawyer and he says, “how do you know that guy?” and she says, “oh, he was the prosecutor in the rape case.” How do you suppose her boyfriend is going to react at that moment, “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME!!!!!!????”
She can’t win for losing. Dang.
Jeff, honestly, sometimes I wish you had a book and blog for the menfolk. You could call in CALM DOWN.
Comment from AnneZ
Time March 9, 2009 at 9:11 am
For Pete’s sake (told you I was crabby)—another typo. “You could call IT [not 'in'] CALM DOWN.”
Comment from MAUEEN
Time March 9, 2009 at 9:42 am
Dearest Bag lady..i am incredibly impressed and admiring of your ability to not only talk about this trauma in a healthy and matter of fact way but also to even have some well placed and clever humour about your situation. I don’t know much about anything but i will tell you this. A strong and mature person like you will attract , in the end, the same kind of person (law of attraction or something) and that person will be able to handle and process and fit this baggage into their dealing with you. Unfortunatley, these kinds of people and men in particular are rare but they are out there and one will find you. If i know nothing else, I do know that. Also, i would think that you would not reveal this kind of info until well into the relationship, i mean when it is clearly established that this is a long term committed relationship and you feel very secure in this persons love for you. Then the baggage should not make a diff to how he feels about you. I can’t see how withholding it will materially affect how compatible and well matched you discover yourselves to be over time. I wish you nothing but the best in your future relationships. Sounds like you are going to be alright in the end.
Comment from Sara
Time March 9, 2009 at 10:44 am
I think you’re awesome for how upfront you are about the topic and how you’ve accepted it. But I’m sure that fits with a lot of “canned” responses you’ve heard a million times. Still, though, I definitely mean it genuinely.
It might help to ask a close friend to role play the conversation with you. Have her/him tell you that they were raped. See how you would react and find out the things that you would be curious to know about as a concerned friend. Anyone in a relationship with you who is in enough with you to learn that information probably cares for you a great deal, so his intentions are in the right place.
And I totally agree with Jeff 100%. “Fix it” seems to be a man’s default mode when it comes to listening to a woman talking about… pretty much everything. (Except if I’m asking an opinion on something, because then he never has anything to say.) I end up always prefacing stories with “I just want to vent” or “I’m just telling you this because…” so I don’t get offended when he tries to fix it.
I hope you figure out a good system and get back in that dating world. Go get ‘em!
Comment from Terry
Time March 9, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Yeah, I agree with Jeff, too. Men think they’re meant to fix everything.
I’d tell the guy, “I like you, and I want to tell you something because I think you should know it. I DON’T want you to DO anything about it because I’ve been doing something about it, and I am okay. I just want you to hear it because it needs to be gotten out of the way, and then we can see a movie or something.”
And then I’d tell him. And then I’d say, “So you want to catch that movie?”
Comment from Amber
Time March 9, 2009 at 2:36 pm
What are your intentions behind disclosing this to people you are dating and WHEN/HOW are you choosing to disclose this information?
This is info you disclose when you know each other well and when it is appropriate to conversation. If you find it necessary to introduce it as its own subject matter and discussion, you are still very affected by it and you’re letting it govern your dating life . . .
Comment from West Coast Guy
Time March 9, 2009 at 4:22 pm
This is an incredibly complex topic. My wife (who I am now separated from after 22 years of marriage) and my sister were both raped when they were in college. My wife told me of her rape within days of our relationship beginning. Me initial response was something along the lines of “that is too bad.” It turns out, for her, it was a test to see if I would bolt. I didn’t bolt but, I also did not know what I was in for.
In her initial counseling, the counselor (a dumb ass male) intimated that the rape was perhaps her fault. She never returned and never addressed any of the issues associated with the rape for years. Six months before we married, she told me she didn’t know if she could ever completely trust a man again. I, in my “I can help” mode, thought that I could eventually win her trust. Turns out she was telling the truth and I was not the patient and mature person needed to win that trust.
The upside of a frequently painful marriage, is that we have three truly wonderful children. And good life experience.
So, for me, I would want to know early on if someone I’m dating is a rape victim. Why? Each rape victim, as with other PTSD sufferers, deals with their assault and the aftermath differently. So much depends on the support they have at the time of the assault (and even what sort of support they had prior to the assault). Each rape victim needs different types of support from their partner. And, not all partners can provide the needed support.
Now, many years later (or too late!), I have a much better understanding of what I can and can’t provide. It is important for both parties to know and understand what the other needs and if they can provide it.
My two cents
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 9, 2009 at 11:24 pm
Dear BagLady, Cheers to You for creating Superdeliciously OKness out of That Bag!
ThisGal will second commotions of Dear West Coast Guy. Absolutely: “This” IS a piece of information needed 2find out if a guy = A RightGuy! Yep, scope is broader than STD status, but same basic menu, in the sense of *how we come + as we are*.
Life is 2sweet and canB 2short, sooo t’is better logic + kindness that Any She&He bangOut the Hard issues ASAP. Actually, the Harder=the Better as a *weeder* of person [both in & out! Romance].
Lastly, Ms. Terry’s suggestion is superb.
Best Blessings, Dear BL, and BeGood 4U!
Comment from real names to personal – always wanted to be called Maxy though :)
Time March 9, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Its weird because my friend has been r*ped & she is afraid to tell her boyfriend… I don’t get it though, I have been too & I’ve had 2 boy friends, I told both early on & neither of them said much or reacted much, like it wasnt a problem & Im 20 so not everyone my age has baggage. The first guy appeared to feel a little sympathy, it was his friend that did it, made it hard, he was torn between taking my side or his side, my fault or his friends fault. I guess I can see it from both sides, I went into a bathroom with a random, cause he told me he wanted to tell me something, pretty stupid, I was a kid though, but really whos fault is it, I dont know, I hate that he didnt fully take my side though.. The second guy was much better, he didnt really react, but he did appreciate my honesty, very much.
I have to tell the guy on the beggining, cause like sex is a bit of an issue, I have to know them very well before we do it & I need to tell the guy so he understands, so he will be careful, so he knows that pushing me to do something could lead me to freak out, so he knows that I need to know he’s not going to force me.
I think people are simple, guys included, if you make a big deal, they will too. I work in sales though so painting pretty pictures with my words is something I do well.
I think Jeff is right if you just tell him you need to let the guy know what you want from him, I think the easiest way to tell him would be if he asks, that way he brought it up not you, I mean like when he asks you about your past relationships or asks you something about sexual experiences…
I would say something like: I’ve had 2 serious relationships, first one for 5 years, he grew up in Greece though & wanted to spend his life there, I love Sydney, so we eventually broke up.. On a less serious, but still significant relationship note, I was r*ped when I was 14, it was a long time ago, but if you want to know details we can talk about it.. & my most recent ex was Rob we were together for 6 months, just a mutual thing, went our separate ways etc. etc.
Like just throw it in amongst a few things, that will create like a congestion of thoughts in the guys mind so he wont just focus on the rape & freak out about it, but it will still be in the back of his mind so you can still feel safe when it comes to sex with him & you can talk about it properly when you feel more comfortable.
Sorry for the essay, but I had a lot to say.
Good luck bag lady & seriously dont worry, its your fear that freaks them out, if you’re cool & calm & make it no big deal, they will too x
Comment from BagLady
Time March 10, 2009 at 7:47 am
Yep, Anne Z is kind of right. I told one boyfriend the six-word summary as the relationship was becoming intimate. He disgorged the appropriate canned response, but apparently did not internalize the information very well. Fast forward to the point where we’ve been dating exclusively for six months, and he suddenly wants more information–MORE than fair. I outlined the assault for him and he immediately flipped. He was like, “that’s rape.” I was like, yes, yes it was, as I believe I mentioned 8 months ago. He broke it off immediately–could not stand for me to hug him goodbye, as though I were an actual leper. Moreover, he was extremely angry–honestly, so angry it scared me. He claimed he’d been lied to (even though I had told him it happened earlier, had told him about my choices regarding prosecution, etc.).
So although I’m not eager to share or to use it to screen men (although I definitely pay attention to how they look at similar cases in the media and use that as a screening mechanism).
I really like Jeff’s advice and thanks to all of you for your responses, too, especially the kudos. It definitely makes dating seem less impossible.
Comment from Angie
Time March 10, 2009 at 10:13 am
I was sexually abused as a child, and for years thought it was because there was something wrong with ME. So, because I thought it was my fault, I didn’t tell my husband about it until we were already married, though I hinted ALOT to see how safe it was to share with him. Not telling was a mistake, because I had inadvertently placed a wall between him and I (and he’s supposed to be my best friend, right?). So…I wouldn’t suggest telling right away, but I wouldn’t suggest waiting until you’re married either. I liked what someone said here about looking at the person’s reaction when you see the topic brought up in tv, movies, etc. Plus, looking at how he reacts to everyday, ordinary conflicts makes sense too. If he can’t handle those, how would he react to something as troubling as rape?
- BagLady, I’m sorry but your guy that bolted eight months later was an idiot. Even if he was weirded out by it, you know better than to treat the victim like the guilty one. Sounds to me like he was just immature, or maybe he wanted an excuse and that was the easy one for him to take.
- Always Wanted To Be Called Maxy, out of all you posted, one thing struck me. You said it was pretty stupid of you to go into the bathroom, and whose fault was it really? Sounds to me like you were a girl who trusted this person, and you were taken advantage of. I hope by now you know that it was HIS fault. Sure, you made a mistake in going into the bathroom, but that does not make it your fault.
I no longer hide the fact that I was abused as a child, but I don’t tell everyone right away either. And I say it matter-of-factly, because now it IS a matter-of-fact kind of thing for me. I went through it, it wasn’t my fault, the guys were jerks who took advantage of a little girl, and I refuse to carry THEIR crap as my baggage. Anyone else who can’t deal with it, well…that’s their baggage as well, not mine. So far, those I’ve told have stuck around. And I feel much better knowing it wasn’t ME.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 10, 2009 at 11:08 pm
Dear *always wanted to be called Maxy*,
Those episodes are NOT your fault. Rape is never– Never!– a victim’s fault. Needle threading is never a needle’s perogative! Of course, repentance is acceptable, but Truth of Who did What to Whom stands.
Rape is A Theft of many treasures.
As example: Surely, all can agree that
regardless where a diamond pin rests, taking of same pin by anyOne other than the owner is A Theft.
Rape is Robbery.
Cease wondering “whos(e) fault is it”! Cherish You… by being Well w/o faulting!
Comment from real names to personal – always wanted to be called Maxy though :)
Time March 10, 2009 at 11:37 pm
Thanks for extra comments – the reasurance can go a long way..
When I start to read the email of a New Comment on Manslations & I see my ‘name’ mentioned, I get freaked for a second – incase someone will tell me its my fault..
I’m very glad that no one here has ..
Think you’re right mmagnolia – finding blame probly doesnt help anyone. I really like your analogy of the diamond pin 
& thanks for the comment angie I think your right that its their (r@pists) issues, i guess it is their thing to be ashamed of not mine…
x
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 11, 2009 at 12:08 am
Dear Ms. Maxy,
I don’t mind doing a redial, sooo:
Please end the “guess it is their thing to be ashamed”. It is on them! to be, at the most least, ashamed!
Also, let’s not dilute the word rapist– just as we don’t dilute the word thief. We can drop the ampersand. Spell as is; no need to water it down.
Despite not having been raped, I take it personal—as a woman w/sisters, friends, nieces. Besides that, as long as a woman breathes–rape is n-o-t impossible. We definitely need culture change!
Bonsoiree & Wonderful Winks!
Comment from real names to personal – always wanted to be called Maxy though :)
Time March 11, 2009 at 12:27 am
I censor words of things that scare me. Your probably right should drop that – like Dumbledore says in the first Harry Potter (refering to voldermort): ‘Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself’
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 11, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Dearie Ms. Maxy,
Messr. Dumbledore–eh! Never met the fellow but He seems our kind o’Guy!
Also…curb the “scare me” selfTalk. You’re back *ticking*. What! fearsome stuff is left? Comparatvely: the *He loves me; He loves me not” stuff can be like falling off logs! …Giggle as Uslide!
Comment from jill
Time April 7, 2009 at 2:20 am
I just want to say that this article has really opened my eyes to dating post-rape. I am in a similar situation as the woman, except I am in my early 20s. It is a difficult thing to deal with no matter what stage of healing. It’s incredible. Anyway, thanks for the advice, I will definitely be communicating better.
Comment from BagLady
Time July 11, 2009 at 12:10 am
Found one! I found someone who is comfortable and supportive about the fact that I’m a rape survivor. I still told him pretty early–but I liked him very much and it was very, very scary. He said it didn’t matter to him and that he didn’t understand why anyone would freak out about something that wasn’t my fault, but I was still nervous. For about a week after I told him I wasn’t sure if he was going to wig retroactively, but he seems fine and it’s been months now. How you communicate does help, although I’m lucky in that he’s a sensitive communicator.
I’d like to think I’d have gotten through this without this advice, but there’s no doubt it helped a lot. I do still think it’s a good idea to tell someone (assuming you want to sleep with them and especially if you want a real partnership with them). But it is a big deal to give that information to someone and it’s okay to protect yourself and wait until you’re sure telling is the right thing.
Thanks, Jeff, and thank you everybody.
(I’ve met a bunch of his friends already and I meet his little brother tomorrow. Yay!)
Comment from mmagnolia
Time July 11, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Dear Ms. (former!) BagLady…
…MerciBouquets 4sharing, and Godbless!
Comment from BagBagLady
Time November 17, 2010 at 6:17 pm
I can sympathize with Bag Lady… I was raped a week after my sibling committed suicide. Baggage x 2! Now, that was all about 20 years ago, whic puts me close to Bag Lady’s age as well. Sympathy x 2. So, this is how I handle it: It’s no one’s business but my own for the most part. I don’t announce it to everyone I meet, especially men I’d like to date, in the name of full disclosure. Mostly I don’t want to have to listen to them painfully floundering for something to say or see “that look” in their eyes – you know that one that is a mix of pity, personal discomfort, and a wild animal backed into a corner desperately darting their eyes for a means to escape. I spend more time trying to reassure them and “fix” the situation by my admission.
Eventually, I will disclose this info, especially to a serious boyfriend. However… I wait for THEM to bring up either subject of rape or suicide first! This is key to open diclosure without regrets. They open the subject up with a comment on the news or a movie or a friend dealing with some aspect of rape or suicide. This creates the conversation by their own free will. AND I usually only broach the rape OR the suicide baggage, not both together. Thus, I get a clear conscience with my honesty, they’re semi prepared and more comfortable since they set the tone for the conversation, they understand me a bit better, I appreciate their understanding and we all grow a little closer in the relationship.
One final note… if a date is going horribly wrong with a confrontational or arrogant guy, I will always just bluntly throw out the rape story and watch them run for the hills! It’s a dirty trick but effective in getting rid of a jerk.
Comment from BagLady
Time November 17, 2010 at 11:43 pm
Yeah, I hear you, BagBagLady. But I wouldn’t choose to handle it the way you do (not that you shouldn’t–there’s no map for trauma or double-trauma, and I figure we just do whatever works). It’s partly because, as I mentioned above, I’ve dated a really nice guy since then. It didn’t work out, but we’re good friends, and frankly, I’m never again settling for anything that’s not at least that good. I won’t waste time on a guy only to watch him have a problem with something I can’t change–that’s time you don’t get back. Plus, by the time a boyfriend is serious, I’m too invested in the relationship and I will be too hurt when he leaves a serious-boyfriend-shaped hole in the door on his way out because of something that wasn’t my choice and that I can’t change.
As far as I’m concerned, I’ll tell a guy when I need him to know (because I’ve had a reaction to something that seems weird because he doesn’t know, for example). It’s not a test, but it’s a lot like meeting your parents. He doesn’t have to make a perfect impression, but if he picks up the gravy boat and throws it at your mother, you’re gonna dump the guy–it’s not because he “failed” a “test,” it’s just because dudes who throw gravy boats at family dinners are probably not compatible. BagLady the girlfriend and BagLady the rape survivor are a package deal, and the right person will just accept that.
And Jeff was sure right about one thing. Giving them something to do gets everyone out of the situation gracefully–he doesn’t have to wonder what the right reaction is, because as long as he’s making me feel safe with him and respecting my decisions his reaction is just fine. It’s not exactly a SMART goal (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely–I find that these work well with men), but most guys seem happy enough to improvise on the theme.
I’m still not a happy dater, and I go long spells without dating. But just becoming uncompromising about dating men who can accept this part of me makes things a lot easier. It’s not them, and it’s not me. I’m sure there’s a lovely woman out there who’s been waiting her whole life for a suitor to throw a gravy boat at her mother. He can go find her and I’ll keep looking.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time November 18, 2010 at 10:06 pm
Yippee….Dearie *former* BagLady!
Lucky You!! Sweet humor seems 2B Your everlastingPearl!
Yumm…”boyfriend-shaped” scone dipped in gravy prob’ly makes a tastee dessert!
Smile On!
Comment from Selena
Time March 9, 2009 at 7:48 am
I don’t have this particular bag, but I have some others that are awkwardly shaped. I talk about them when or if I feel it’s appropriate to do so. And that isn’t necessarily early in dating. The guy I’ve only known for a week or two DOES NOT need to know all my secrets.
Jeff’s advice is great, but I guess I don’t get why you think you need to share this info early enough that it’s making you want to back off dating altogether.
I’d think if you were actually in a relationship with someone, they would handle this information better than someone who didn’t know you as well. Is there a reason you feel you need to explain it upfront?