When He Says IT Isn’t There
Tyler’s man is in the process of ending their relationship, and his reasons are anything but clear. What does a man mean when he says that “IT isn’t there,” and what can you do?
Ok, I’ll give it a go. I have an issue with my exboyfriend/business partner/best friend…you can probably guess what the problem is by the description.
Holy crap, I can imagine about forty problems in that one. I once had a girlfriend/best friend/co-worker. That’s a lot of hats for any one person to wear. If they only have a single skull, that is. Assuming your guy has just that one cerebrum, let’s move on.
We were friends for three years before we dated. We both relocated to live in the same city. When we were together (and even still) we have an ideal relationship. Really. Everyone thinks so.
I bet not “everyone” though, yes?
He used to think so and say it, regularly. Then something changed…not sure what. And now he feels like “IT isn’t there”, “IT doesn’t feel right”.
Ah. Blerg. Sorry about that one.
Just what is IT??? He thinks there’s more than what we have. But I’m pretty sure there isn’t. The chemistry, communication, and compatibility are all there. We have business together. We spend holidays together. We throw dinner parties together. We spend our free time together. When he’s asked what his type is, he says someone just like me. It’s MADDENING. Just what the hell is going on. And what is the “IT” that he thinks should be there, but evidently isn’t for him? I don’t get. His friends and family don’t get. And he doesn’t really get either, but insists upon it. Help.
Dear Tyler,
Ok, here’s something that you need to know about a lot of guys. He might very well have NO IDEA what the “it” is that’s missing.
The bad news is, that doesn’t mean he’s wrong.
THE C WORD YOU MISSED
No, not THAT C-word, pottybrains (though lord help me, I do love that word. And all profanity, really.) You said you’ve got the Chemistry, Communication, and Compatibility. But the one he’s likely working from is:
COMFORT
As I’ve often said (sometimes just standing alone in my apartment, to no one in particular) guys are not black belts at the whole “feelings-to-words” thing. Even inside our own heads. We feel our feelings, we ACT based on our feelings, but if you ask us to put them into words, well, you end up with some crap like, “IT isn’t there.”
He might not even know what’s missing. He possibly doesn’t know what he even wants. But he knows he’s not getting it. How? He’s uncomfortable. Something feels “off” to him. And he doesn’t want to feel that way. He wants to find someone with whom he doesn’t feel “off.”
So what does that mean? In my personal experience, the IT that’s missing is usually a part of you that feels lonely because your partner isn’t built to be interested in that particular part.
But I guess that’s just another way of saying, “I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m not where I wish I was.” And that’s the real underlying reason for every breakup. (This is why you don’t need to bother asking “why” when a dude dumps you. Whatever he tells you, there’s NEVER a more complex reason beyond, “I’d rather be apart from you than with you.”)
Whatever it is, it seems that this guy has no way of telling you. Why not? Well, it’s got to be one of two things:
- ME NO KNOW: As I say, he might just have no idea.
- ME NO TELL: He might not want to hurt your feelings by telling you, his best friend, what he wants that you two don’t have together.
But either way, here’s what is NOT true:
- HE’S WRONG, WE ARE PERFECT: You said that you don’t think you two lack anything important. And that’s fine. But he does think that. And he gets a vote. In fact, both of you get a unilateral veto on the whole relationship, for any reason. And it doesn’t matter if your friends, your families, or YOU think he’s nuts. None of those things are going to “convince” him of anything.
ANIMAL RETRACTION
Think of it this way. If a dog isn’t comfortable around somebody, it really doesn’t matter how “unreasonable” its fear is. It’s gonna bark and freak out and, you know, do the whole Nervous Dog number. Men can sometimes have a similar emotional response. We can’t name it, but it ain’t going anywhere just because you think it doesn’t make any sense.
SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Well, as I said, he gets a unilateral veto on the relationship. You can’t convince him, and TRYING to convince him will only make him pull back twice as hard. And you don’t want to be in some situation where you are trying to convince him that it’s better for him if he stays anyway.
MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Trust me on that one. You really, really don’t. Manslator’s honor, that really sucks.
My advice is to keep the lines of communication OPEN and to keep the expectations turned OFF. And most importantly, teach him how break up with you how YOU need him to. Do you need him to give you the REAL reason, even if it hurts? Ask for it just like that. Whatever it is, ask for it directly, and maybe you’ll get it.
But as I often say, you do NOT want to be in a situation where you’re thinking, “How come he doesn’t know he’s in love with me?” It doesn’t help, and it’s never right.
Doesn’t mean it doesn’t totally suck, of course. But then lots of stuff does.
Good luck, Tyler. I wish there was a better explanation for what the IT is that’s missing. The best advice I can give is not to drive yourself nuts trying to figure it out, because even if you DO, it won’t change things. Sorry ’bout that.
Ever have a guy tell you IT was missing? What’d IT turn out to be?
Posted: March 11th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from K-Rod
Time March 11, 2009 at 7:45 am
I’ve had two boyfriends where we got along really well, and we knew we were compatible in the ways that matter in the long term. But the infamous IT wasn’t right in the chemistry department. It becomes the kicker around the three month mark (in both cases we ended up friends ongoing). I finally met someone not too long ago where the chemistry IT was there in spades, but alas nothing else about it would have worked, so that was over before it started. The issue is that all ITs have to be in line for a relationship to work long term. And someone can’t always define what IT isn’t quite there, especially at the time you are contemplating what IT is the issue. Later on sometimes it becomes crystal clear though. As Jeff says, you can’t convince someone of anything when it comes to feelings, so you have to just let it go knowing that it wasn’t the right thing. And know that the right thing will come along and then you’ll have the “AH HA” about what IT was wrong before. Good one Jeff! This might be the hardest thing there is to deal with when it comes to relationships – when they seem perfect, and yet there is an IT issue.
Comment from Terry
Time March 11, 2009 at 9:23 am
If he says ‘it’ is missing, it’s time for you to go missing, and I don’t mean in a spiteful, ‘I’ll show you!’ kind of way.
In the interest of self-preservation, you need to spend a little less time with guy(wherever you can manage that) You need to take really good care of yourself, carve out a separate life from him, open yourself up to new people and happier circumstances.
You’re not meant to be roaming the earth, frustrated, wondering why someone doesn’t love you the way you want him to.
And Jeff’s right. You don’t want to be in the position where you’re trying to convince anybody you’re the one for him. You deserve better than that.
Comment from AnneZ
Time March 11, 2009 at 9:39 am
What Terry said, in spades.
It’s going to hurt. Heck, it already hurts. But the experts always say the best way to break an old habit is to start a new one. Get on a dating site, join a club, get season tickets to Nascar (is there such a thing?)–just go where the boys are and fill up your evenings and move on. Get you some girlfriends, too, so he isn’t your “best friend” any more. Fill up as much time and emotional energy as possible with other people that don’t include him.
Good luck, it’s extremely hard. We all know that. Much sympathy.
Comment from MAUEEN
Time March 11, 2009 at 10:54 am
Hi Tyler, Everyone has told you the stuff you absolutely need to hear and bang on with how to deal with this. I know it hurts horribly but even doing one of the things that Anne Z told you will make you feel better. Jeff is right (as usual) about there is nothing you can do or say or be to bring that IT back. An IT can’t be forced. It is either unmistakeably there or not there and it almost exists outside the two of you, like a ephemeral third party that can’t be denied. I have been in a longterm relationship where the IT was there for years without any real effort on our part. A sort of effortless chemistry, the way i think its supposed to be.. We broke up for other reasons but to this day this guy has IT for me and I for him. Do you want to keep convincing him to keep trying and get IT back ? What a battle for you. I say step back, heal thyself from the hurt and start looking around again. You gave him the best you had and were the best you could be, what more can you do? His feelings are out of your control. Work on what you DO have control over. Don’t make this any more painful for you than it is already. Best of luck.
Comment from Valencia
Time March 11, 2009 at 10:55 am
Wow, Jeff’s IT diagnosis is right on. And boy does it hurt. IT hurts or his vote of lack thereof…hurts like heck. I’m sorry. We have all experienced that. But for you to move on, you need to break this habit. It sounds like it is also comfortable for you too. AnneZ has some great suggestions.
Comment from Liz C
Time March 11, 2009 at 12:41 pm
This is such a valuable lesson… I’m not going to tell you how old I was before I realized a relationship is not a democracy. If one person decides it’s over, it’s over. Sucks.
On a related note, I hung on to a marriage for oh, maybe 20 years too long because my husband felt IT and I figured he must be right, and who was I to walk away from a great guy just because I didn’t feel IT? (He is a great guy, just not the right one for me.) And we had kids which maked it harder. And aren’t you supposed to stay married, regardless?
Anyhooze, after 28 years of not getting IT from me, he finally couldn’t take it any more. It was a bloody painful split, but now we both have IT with other people.
Please don’t make him stay and deprive yourself of having IT *with* someone. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t feel IT for you. Just ask my ex.
Comment from sue
Time March 11, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Jeff is really smart. And a good writer. And good looking.
But what is the diference between chemistry and “IT”?
Comment from Ali
Time March 11, 2009 at 4:07 pm
I don’t think we’ll ever find the answer to what IT is? They don’t know. How the heck are we supposed to figure this one out? I know moving on is easier said than done but it must me done. Fill yourself with a positive attitude, positive people and go out there and find yourself another man that will be your it and viceversa. We, and I include myself, owe it to ourselves to make it better and not settle. Good luck and join the club!
Comment from Nhina
Time March 12, 2009 at 4:28 am
‘It’ is just a feeling. If it doesn’t feel right, then I’m sad to say, it’s probably not. It’s like when you ask someone a question, and they hesitate, and then tell you they don’t know.. well that in itself is a no.
Did you notice that you never mentioned that you yourself felt ‘it’ with him??
Time to move on Tyler.
You deserve someone who you feel it with, and who feels it with you!
Best of luck!!!
Comment from Angie
Time March 12, 2009 at 8:59 am
Try to remember a nice, cool guy who might have liked you at one time, and you were just not interested. You might have even felt an attraction for him, but you KNEW “it” just wasn’t there. It wasn’t personal, right? You thought he was a nice, cool guy. You might have even felt a little guilty for not liking him that way. After all, he was a great guy. You just couldn’t force yourself to like him as more than an acquaintance or friend. Well, I believe that’s kinda how it is when WE like THEM and they say that “it” just isn’t there. And if the guy(s) pushed for more, didn’t it frustrate/annoy you? And then you REALLY didn’t like them. I believe that’s kinda how it is with them as well. It sucks to hear, but I think he’s being clear and honest with you when he says “it” isn’t there. I also think it’s not about you (in other words, it’s not personal). It’s about HIM lacking the IT feeling in this particular situation. I hope that helps. Best of luck. Get out and meet people who see you as the jewel that I’m sure you are.
Comment from KC
Time March 12, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Jeff – I really enjoyed this manslation…. Great job!! I especially like when you said: “This is why you don’t need to bother asking “why” when a dude dumps you. Whatever he tells you, there’s NEVER a more complex reason beyond, “I’d rather be apart from you than with you.” I agree completely!
Ever notice how a guy will break up with you b/c “IT” isn’t there, but as soon as they lose you, they realize that “IT” was there? My suggestion that if you end it with this guy, end it. Don’t let it drag on and on for months like I’ve done so many times.
If anything, maybe you should start thinking about whether or not you still feel “IT” for him, given that you now know he doesn’t feel “IT” for you.
Best of luck Tyler!
Comment from Angela
Time March 12, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Jeff – great manslation, as usual.
I noted that Tyler & her guy were friends for three years before they dated, and I’m wondering if that could have served as an “early warning signal” that something wasn’t there. You know, if two people know each other and don’t get together romantically for so long, doesn’t it mean someone’s not feeling something?
We probably don’t have a lot to go on here in terms of Tyler’s case, but is it safe to say that if you know a guy for a year or so, and he hasn’t made a move in that time, that he’s not interested? This is my observation, but I’d appreciate a more authoritative perspective.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 12, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Dear Angela,
Personal experience has to answer your wonderments about “doesn’t it mean someone’s not feeling something”!
Yes–Wrong!
IT doesn’t mean So, in every girl-knows-guy scenario. Sometimes, Timing takes longer than 4Goodfood!
Cause2Cheer… A Goodwatch!
Comment from hunter
Time March 15, 2009 at 2:24 am
Tyler, men can override their feelings..that could be what he is doing…
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 15, 2009 at 10:24 pm
hunterDear,
…Newsflash! One could say that women also can + do “override” feelings, which sorta sounds like A Self-duping! Terminology/Rationale reads well, but….
On Tenth Thought:
DearJM’s translation “I’d rather be apart from you than with you” sounds R-e-a-l!
Seems impossible 4us humans to veto feelings…..as in *don’t want 2want what’s wanted*, or as in Suppression.
Whoa+Woe on that!
Besides….if The Guy is overriding feelings, His action confirms His reality that His “override” = A Negative.
If my math is wrong, there’s no A-men;
….but, there’s always, Cheers!
Comment from hunter
Time March 15, 2009 at 11:07 pm
hi MMag! I am sure some women do that also, but, can a woman in her child bearing years do that?
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 16, 2009 at 10:50 pm
hi hun! Let’s pretend there’s a *diff* twixt A man and A “woman re-”child bearing years”!
Short Answer= Goodness [!Yours] YES. Footnote2 SA= That’s why Providence created *choice* and why *choice* is essential, especially 4possible Bearers!
Let it never bsaid, sleeping poodles should oversleep. Back to Your “override” stuff: “feelings” do the overriding!
Consider the limited number of them overriding feelingFellas; only 2possibles!
Cheers 2YourBonsoir!
Comment from hunter
Time March 17, 2009 at 12:07 am
Hi MMag!
Diff twixt child bearing years, sleeping poodles, overrriding, short answers, footnote, 2, feeling fellas, Providence, creator, created, choice, yes!…..I bow to you…..
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 17, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Hi Hun!
CYour 1Bow; RaiseU 2–w/Green Roses!
Comment from hunter
Time March 18, 2009 at 7:50 pm
hi MMag!
2 bows w/green roses!….you are brilliant!…..us common folk, we can’t interpret at such a high level, I sense you are a super smart woman…
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 18, 2009 at 10:43 pm
hi Hun!
Should be smarter, but: She’s generous!
Here’s @ya’… w/another *bow* + wow!
Comment from Selena
Time March 11, 2009 at 7:11 am
“I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m not where I wish I was.”
That’s the best description of “IT” I’ve come across. I know I’ve experienced it. The sense that there is supposed to be more than *this* somehow.
It’s possible I suppose, that Tyler’s guy might find “IT” really was there afterall if he’s without her for awhile, but she’ll have to let him go anyway for him to find out. Bummer.