manslations

MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Don’t forget about the FREE BOOK GIVEAWAY contest still going on!

Kristina’s man can’t take it when she asks him certain questions or makes “observations” (a word that already makes me worry for him, heh.) What is his deal here?

Whenever i ask my boyfriend about certain things mainly other women, or make an observation, he gets so defensive, why??

An “observation.” Yeah, this is a pretty general term for this. And it makes it sound like your “observation” was made without any emotional content. Just in the name of science. As in, “Excuse me, good sir, I happened to observe that you just checked out that woman’s cleavage, making your eyeballs pop out of your head, cuckoo-clock-style. Any thoughts on that, my good man?” I’m guessing it doesn’t always, you know, come OUT like that, does it?

I heard its because, what your saying is true and they don’t want to admit to it. Is this true?

Could be, could be. You’re clearly hitting a nerve of some kind. Could be it’s true. However, it could also be that it’s false, and his defensiveness is about being falsely accused. That happens as well.

Example,when one of his friends comes over with his girlfriend he acts different, and has a hard time making sure he doesn’t look at her, i have observed.

Hee-hee. There’s that word again. Observed.

He gets all defensive about it when i say something, and says whatever im leaving if you don’t stop. What does this mean????

Dear Kristina,

Here’s my take. This is one of two things:

OPTION #1: He feels like you’re accusing him of something that isn’t true. And let’s face it, hey, maybe you are. If you think he may be interested in another woman, you’re likely not making some casual, innocent “observation” when you bring this up. And if you’re pretending that you ARE just making an observation, you’re basically asking him to walk into a trap. That’s going to make most innocent men get a little miffed. Or a lot miffed.

OPTION #2: This could be a version of the “Anger Smokescreen” that I’ve talked about quite a bit. For review, the AngSmo, as I have just abbreviated so brilliantly, is when a guy will redirect your attention AWAY from whatever it is about him he doesn’t wanna focus on, and BACK AT YOU, with anger.

Example:

you: Say, isn’t that, er, another woman there, kneeling under your desk. Oh, and why are you pantsless right now?
him: God! You’re so friggin’ nosy!! Don’t you TRUST me?!!!

Er…no. No, I don’t, sir.

IS THE ANGSMO ALWAYS BAD NEWS?

Well, it’s never GREAT news, but it’s not always terrible. I mean, the example I gave, well, yeah, that’s bad news. Or more to the point, what he was COVERING was bad news, and the way he tried to cover it was just extra bad sauce on top of the bad sundae that was already there.

So the real, two part question is:

1. What’s he not comfy discussing here?
2. Why isn’t he comfy discussing it? Like, to the point where he’s threatening to leave.

If the answer to #1 is that he’s cheating on you or wants to, well, #2 kinda answers itself, doesn’t it? Or, say, if he has a little crush on his friend’s girlfriend? Or maybe a big crush?

But what if the answer to #1 is more subtle? As in, what if your guy is just becoming aware that he checks out all other women on the earth?  What if he’s young enough that he doesn’t yet know that ALL men check out ALL women, pretty much ALL the time, and he hasn’t yet learned how to deal with that fact?

Some possible answers here are ok in a healthy relationship, and some of them…well, some of them would tend to mark the impending demise of a relationship. I think you’ve got to find out which one you’re dealing with.

SO IS IT OPTION ONE OR TWO?

Here’s what I’d suggest. First of all, you need to ask YOURSELF a question: are you really just “making observations” here, or do you think he’s interested in this other woman? Be honest — if you’re not straightforward on this, you’ll get exactly nowhere with this situation.

Plus, I mean…do you trust him or don’t you? If you don’t, there’s likely no good news for this relationship, and there’s no real reason for you to stay in it. Have you heard of a relationship where one person doesn’t trust the other, and it works out awesome? Yeah, me neither. Who needs that?

If you DO trust him, and you want to get to the bottom of this, I’d say that you choose a very cool-headed moment — i.e. one where he’s not already feeling defensive about this. And say, “Listen, I want to ask you something, and I really am not trying to get into a fight. I’ve noticed on a couple of occasions that when I ask about XYZ, you get really upset. I don’t want to upset you. But I do want to understand why it gets you so mad.”

Now, this will get a little heated. This is where you DEFUSE the anger. Don’t go for the bait. Keep calm. Don’t get into a shouting match. Keep him focused on the question at hand. “I know, exactly. I know this gets you mad. That’s what I don’t want to DO anymore. Help me understand how to talk to you, so you don’t feel like I’m attacking you.”

Good luck, Kristina. This is likely going to be a mildly…er…loud discussion at first. Your job is NOT to fall for the bait of the AngSmo, don’t be a target OR an attacker. That’s the whole point. Once he knows that he’s really not being attacked, maybe you two can get to the bottom of this.

What do you do in this situation, ladies? Why all the anger here?