Defense Against Guys Who Are Not Ready
I received a manslations request from a reader who is not impressed with the male population right now. I can tell that because she signed off as, “Not Impressed With the Male Population Right Now.”
Why the unimpressitude? Well, it seems that she’s come across a string of divorcees with whom everything went great, right up until the sex. At which point — who’s way ahead of me here? — they split. Suddenly were “not ready” — not over someone in their past, etc.
What is this? And how can she protect herself from these men? Let’s give her some NotReady self-defense moves, shall we?
Ok I seem to have a problem right now. Every man I have dated in the last year are divorced. Now that not is not really the problem. All of them have contacted me online (I have no other social outlet) and all profiles have said they are looking for a long-term relationship. Everything is fine – we have a great dates (and I read your book so I know they were great!!)
What’s that you say? Ah book? Oh, that book that one could purchase, if one were so inclined? Ah yes. Well, do continue.
They contact me back and spend time with UNTIL the intimate issue came about. The day after – they stop talking to me. I ask them all ‘are you the f?? me leave me type?’ because if you are then we need to stop this here and now. They all say..give me more credit than that. So I do. (Big mistake) Then I get a text message several days later saying ‘ummm yeah by the way, I am not ready for this. I am not over someone in my past. (Usually their ex-wife).
This is not usually the truth, this particular excuse. We’ll get to that in a moment.
WHY in God’s name even approach me in the first place if you weren’t ready. Why was I used as ‘lets use Kaci and see if I am ready for this.’ After getting to know this men..I have found out that they have not been divorced very long and I have told them prior to getting involved that I think it is too early and they were all adamant that they were fine..So tell me Jeff – how do I protect myself from these men.
Not impressed with the male population right now.
Dear Not Impressed,
Well, the bad news is that it’s not necessarily going to be easy to protect yourself from “these men.” See, what you experienced is not necessarily all about them “not being ready” or “not being over” whomever. Well…they’re true and they’re not. Lemme ‘splain.
CONFESSIONS OF A FORMER NOT-READIAN
Yes, I admit it. I have used this excuse before. When I had just gotten out of a really long term relationship, I went out on a couple of dates with a woman. It was kind of fun, kind of sexy, we did sex unto one another, and that’s when I desperately needed to get OUT.
Because I wasn’t over my ex, right? Nope. Because I wasn’t ready, then? Well, sorta. See, what happens is, a guy who has recently been re-released into the wild is looking to get his mojo back. And he wants to be in love. All of it. And then…
ENTER: YOU
A nice woman who seems to be what he’s looking for! Woohoo! You date, you laugh, you have a good time. Then you have sex. And he suddenly realizes, “Oh wait. This is really happening. This situation isn’t perfect! It’s real. It’s going to involve, you know, maintenance. Do I really want to BE here that badly?”
Now, here’s where the “Not Ready” kicks in. See, if you had caught such a guy when he wasn’t just coming out of something crappy, his “early relationship reality check” tolerance might be a little higher.
But when you just got out of something less than perfect and you are suddenly faced with starting something less than perfect, well, you flip out a little. You do the verbal equivalent of a fish flopping around on the beach, and then you flop yourself right back into the water, where you can breathe again.
IMPORTANT! IMPORTANT!
What’s important for you to understand is — this only happens if the relationship isn’t what he wants. As in, there is NO way that a guy passes up the right girl for this reason. That’s not how we work. Ergo, you and he, in his mind, were not a match.
BUT WHY ONLY AFTER THE SEX?
Because before the sex, it’s fun, it’s dramatic, it’s flattering. A woman is paying attention to you! And you to her! Fun! And during the sex, hey, it’s sex, right?
But afterwards, that’s when the male brain gets a chance to sit back, take a moment, and figure out where in the hell the body has gotten it. In a lot of cases, I’ll bet that he was as surprised as you were. Seriously.
DON’T GET HUNG UP ON THOSE WORDS “NOT READY.”
Look, I can imagine how frustrating it is that these guys say they’re ready, and then they’re really not. Would it help if I told you that none of that is in fact true and the real truth is that he just doesn’t really like you enough to start a relationship with you?
Ok, maybe not if I put it like that.
But think about it — what’s the percentage of relationships that actually work? One percent? Maybe? The other 99 are either not going to like you enough, or you’re not going to like them enough. And with a lot of the guys, they’re going to say the thing that gets them out the door without telling you, “Mm…yeah, I don’t like you enough to really get going on this thing, but those dates were fun. Bye.”
SO…ER…HOW ABOUT HER ACTUAL QUESTION, NUMBNUTS?
Oh right. How to defend yourself against them. Almost forgot. Well, here’s what:
- Don’t try to defend against “Not ready” since that isn’t what is happening anyway. Don’t go around, trying to determine who’s ready. You can do that with avocados and stuff, but not humans. Although…I guess going around squeezing dudes isn’t the worst idea I’ve ever heard for meeting men.
- Beware the Internet: You say this is your only social outlet. Well, if that really is true (and it’s not just that it’s the easiest social outlet) then you’re going to have to contend with the fact that internet dating is for anyone. Anyone who wants to FIND SOMEONE. Now, that encompasses a whole lot of people. Most of whom will not be a great match for you, even if they might like sleeping with you.
- When in doubt, slow down a little. Look, if you aren’t sure what’s going on with a guy yet, if he’s recently divorced but INSISTS he’s ready, if there are any red flags, just take your foot off the gas, and assume nothing. Just let the whole thing unfold, and SEE where he’s at. Assume nothing.
I’m sorry there isn’t an ironclad way to get around this, NotImpressed, but the fact is that what you might have stumbled across is several guys who, because they happen to fall in the same demographic, are using the same script to say what 99% of all people feel after a date. Not interested.
How can NotImp protect herself from these dudes? Is there a way?
Posted: March 25th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Canberra Dave
Time March 25, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Is it possible, do you think, that this woman is no good in bed?
I mean … I think that you are probably right about the whole “not ready” thing. But, then again, if the sex was food most guys – I think – would be back for seconds, regardless of all their relationship misgivings.
It just explains a lot, is all I’m saying.
Comment from Canberra Dave
Time March 25, 2009 at 4:54 pm
“if the sex was food most guys”
typo – “good”, not “food”. Doh.
Comment from smh
Time March 25, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Listen to your instincts, trust them enough to act on them or in this case not act. If you feel the need to repeatedly say are you sure you are ready – that is a hint. If you have doubts about his being ready – enough to repeatedly say are you sure – then your instincts are pick up on even what he is not consciously aware of. He is not ready! Know that going in and act accordingly if you choose to indulge or choose not to indulge if
what he is offering is not what you want. Having sex will not make him any more ready
Comment from Maivey
Time March 26, 2009 at 7:30 am
My first instinct on reading this message was on par with Canberra Dave.
I mean, Jeff, your answers are always so insightful and to the point and even this is great (as always) but then if she is repeatedly having this happen…
And I also think if you have to ask them, “Are you a f___ ‘em and leave ‘em kind of guy?” then, well…maybe WAIT to have sex until you do know that answer before hand.
Comment from Selena
Time March 26, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I agree with Maivey.
“… if you have to ask them, “Are you a f___ ‘em and leave ‘em kind of guy?” then, well…maybe WAIT to have sex until you do know that answer before hand.”
I wonder if Kaci may be provoking (?) the answer she wants to hear. Who is going to answer such a question, “Yes I am the f… em’ and leave ‘em kind of guy.”?? How would that go over?
I’m in the “let’s see how it goes” camp when it comes to this. Looking for commitment with someone you’ve only known a short time is odd, possibly scary – to me. Why the rush?
If you want to have sex to appease the hormone goddess, do so. But as far as a long-term keeper, kind of partner goes? Spend enough time really getting to know him, rather than asking the “f…’em, and leave…’em” question and thinking their answer is ace-ing your test.
Comment from Judy
Time March 26, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Umm, excuse me, but am I missing something here?
I’m a lady “of a certain age,” and don’t have a lot of sexual dating experience, true. But really, if it upsets you that men disappear after you’ve had sex, then why are you having sex at this point in the relationships? In other words, wouldn’t it help to wait until you really do know them better?
Please understand that I’m not asking this in a judgmental way. If you could handle having sex without being bothered by later developments, it would be one thing. But it seems apparent that it’s been hurtful to you to have these guys have cut and run after the act. Goodness knows, I’m with you there; for myself, sex is special and it’s something that goes with a committed relationship. I take the step of having sex only with someone I’m fairly certain I have a future with, and if a man were to leave the relationship after that, I’d be devastated. To me, that kind of guy is a player, and I’d consider myself conned. Not a good feeling.
So, to go back to your question of how to protect yourself in the future, why not give your next budding relationship more time to see how things develop before you move to that next step? Sending you white light.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 26, 2009 at 11:07 pm
Dears,
Excellent point, Ms. Judy, on wisdom of “having sex without being bothered by later developments”!
Gee! Hanging only w/Virgins or The Widowed may = more evenkeeled Bliss, but…possibly = smaller *r* of Romance!
Dear JM….”squeezing” ‘em = Yum!
Divorce can *Chill* so, skittishness of dating probably doesn’t depend on whether the divorcedOne initiated exit, but seems t’is possible! That difference could make a practical Difference.
Thickplots RNot, Ms. NI: Spring w/Hope!
Comment from Heather
Time March 27, 2009 at 8:52 pm
I’ve had this happen to me. Here’s what I learned. If you are doing sex with someone and expect something more, then you are working in an area you have no control over. If you only have sex when you really want to, their reaction shouldn’t matter; you did something you wanted to do for no other reason than it felt good and there’s nothing to feel bad about. Cut yourself some slack. Relationships aren’t about sex…really…they are about connections. Maybe a better way to phrase that question is, “Will you be expecting more from me if we have sex, cause I’m not really certain how I feel, except that I want to have sex with you.”. Or, don’t ask the question at all. It’s not QPQ. If your not doing it because you want to, then there’s no good reason to do it.
Comment from Valencia
Time March 29, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I really like Judy’s comment. I unforunately just learned the hard way, and definitely felt conned…but working on letting it roll off…the white light comment was awesome! Thanks Judy!
Comment from annonymous
Time March 29, 2009 at 9:04 pm
I’ve had many opinions but I defently need more. Me & this boy have been friends for a while we ended up liking eachother so we started talking like talking to get into a relationship its been 3 months and were perfect were always happy but the only thing that bothers me is that we are not offcial and its beggining to bother me the last time I talked to him about it he told me he just wasn’t ready for a relationship I left it alone but I don’t know what I should do I don’t wanna pressure him into being with me if he doesn’t.what do I do?
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 29, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Dear Ms. annonymous,
U2 “were always happy”… but now U’re *bothered* that YourGuy isn’t wanting “a relationship”.
Leaving It alone w/o pressure is okay, but do someGood 4U!
Upfrontly: Ask that He get back to you when He’s in a realm for RealRelation.
Perhaps, He will–and U’ll be there4Him, OR….U won’t….OR, He won’t!
However, there won’t be what He feels as being-pressed… and best-of-all, U won’t have heartache of being a Presser!
Free will is Beauty, but options are limited when One is One-of-Two, with different desires. Eventually, Life IS like math.
No doubt, 4U: SweetBeginnings!
Comment from ms.X
Time April 4, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Jeff, great advice from a male perspective !
Somehow, most women get emotionally bonded to men after sex, cant help hormones which make them feel emotionally bonded, just with sex !
men can differentiate sex and love and women cant( hard-wiring) !
when thats the case, if you prolong sex too long, the “not ready” type might just get bored, and realize this still feels like a err, relationship and he’ll leave u before hand saying he’s not ready … which saves u some heart-ache as u dont feel used atleast !
this is just a womanslation !!!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time April 4, 2009 at 10:43 pm
All Dears,
Absolutely agree that “hormones” rule! But, bonding hormones exist re: M+W.
*Most* men seem 2choose 2differentiate sex vs. love; *Most* women seem 2choose not. Maybe that difference of choice depends on acquired [cultivated!] options, n-o-t on gender genetics.
Men can + do choose to let Loving emotions rule. God bless that similarity!
Comment from LK
Time April 5, 2009 at 8:09 am
If looking for a LTR, the sex can wait. Always. It’s a good barometer, too. A guy who is really “ready” for a LTR will wait for sex. But, as JM indicates, when a guy is newly released, sometimes it’s all about the sex. It’s that way for women sometimes, too, incidentally. Some of us actually can differentiate sex from love!
So, that being said, a few more dates under the belt before removing the belts is a good idea if you find someone you could move on with. If you aren’t being discriminating, though and seeing ALL guys as potential LTR material, then you need to re-evaluate what you want in a guy. Every guy you date is definitely NOT LTR material. And for guys, not every girl dated is LTR material either. The charm of this is you get to learn from the dates (whether it be a 5 minute disaster date OR several dates landing you in bed with “the call/TM/EM” coming shortly thereafter) and incorporate what you do/do not want in your life and your LTR.
If you are in fact looking for a LTR you need to be specific and picky. The dates aside from that are just learning experiences, a means of having a bit of fun (if you’re lucky) and short term companionship. Treat them as such and you will not feel so dejected.
My thoughts…
Comment from mmagnolia
Time April 5, 2009 at 10:47 pm
Dear All,
Rather than “looking for a LTR”, methinks t’is more efficient 2look for a *soulmate* [one word...not two and it's not an 8-letter dirty word!].
Would make weeding out “not ready” folks a simplerJoy. Sure, the not-ready today can = tonite’s Heart’s delight!
Maybe, some impassioned *self-faith* can assist that soulmate looking. Most “discriminating” evaluations already will have2exist; rest = downhill!
Usually easier 2fish salmon where sharks fear2swim, IF one wants salmon.
Soooo, Happy Fishing!
Comment from Confused with a guy
Time December 16, 2011 at 7:22 am
Okay. Say you two don’t have sex. Say you two were the best of friends before anything even happened? My best friend and I we had a thing before our friendship even became a thing and I turned him down. Then we were just best friends and he found another chick.. well his gf and him lived 5 hours away from each other. Maybe more.. but they broke up and then the following weekend I went to his place and we’d hook up, but there was no sex if you get what I mean. ;b three weeks later I asked him where we stood and he said he likes me a lot a lot a lot but he isn’t quite ready. okay well that like… in like november 12th… so I been told that is not good to ask.. I guess I have to play hard to get ;b well we text everyday we haven’t had a chance to hang out in a couple weeks cause he lives two towns away and we have busy lives. but it is winter break tomorrow. so we’ll probably have higher chances of hanging out. (hopefully) but where i’m trying to get at is,, we’ve talked about sex but I am not ready to give up my virginity, especially if him and I aren’t dating. I like this guy a lot, and he tells me he loves me, and he calls me babe because he knows I like it when he does. But I just wonder on the other side of the phone, does he actually love me? Who else could he be saying this to. were not dating. He went to a winter dance with a pretty girl. Uhgg.
Whats the smartest thing I could do to not get myself hurt other then stop talking to him.
oh and I am 18 if that make sense with the winter school dance ha ;b
Comment from mmagnolia
Time December 21, 2011 at 11:57 pm
Dear Ms.”Confused”,
Is yourGuy a virgin or a widower 
…
You say He calls You “babe”–which gives GreatCuddle…if He equally initiates calling!
Your “smartest thing” is to be indifferent!
Of course, that’s foolishness for Your sweetest priority of Loving & BeingLoved!
SecondBest is 2ask Him directly what Uask here…actually, That’s Your Real FirstBest!
Please, Mlle. “C”, don’t live wondering! Cure for Your distrust of feelings/words is *on* You!
But: Why’d a “pretty girl” who’s Not-You did the WaltzThing with Him; YourChoice or His?
It’s wise2express whatUwant. Trust YourSelf 2handle any soreness which dares2turnip!
Enjoy Bouquets o’Bessings…beyond 2012!
Comment from Sassy
Time March 25, 2009 at 8:24 am
As someone who was in the dating pool (boyfriend of one year and counting!) of divorced men, I understand this frustration. When I was first divorced and THOUGHT I was ready, I put my toe into the pool, including the internet pool. I dating some great guys, a few I fell for, a few fell for me. Looking back, I probably wasn’t ready (sorry to the guys who were first to get me single), but you have to start somewhere.
I know this is frustrating, but the way I’ve looked at this is some people, on both sides, are “practice” dating. So I slowed stuff down, stopped looking for the BIG romance and CRAZY sex and just relaxed, and enjoyed meeting people and doing new things. In essence took the pressure of having a “long-term” relationship and let things just evolve.
Met the BF in a singles activity group where I went to just meet people and share a few laughs. The best things just sneak up on you.
Great answer, Jeff! Good luck to Not Impressed.