When He Doesn’t Know Where It’s Going
Well, she’s done it. Valerie has gone and asked one of the worst questions ever devised by women, guaranteed to terrify men. She asked her boyfriend to tell her where the relationship is going. And he says…well, here’s exactly what he said:
In response to a question about how a relationship is going, what does it mean when he says that we are good, but i don’t know where it is going?? Keep in mind we have been dating for a little over a year.
Thank you.
Dear Valerie,
Here’s the thing, Valerie — what could his answer to this question be? I mean, as far as I can tell, there are literally only TWO possible “destinations” for where the relationship could be “going.” It’s either going to…
- …end up with the two of you being together for the rest of your lives, or
- …not.
Right? I mean, all relationships go one of those two places. And if you think about it, all but one of them goes to #2.
So, when you ask him how the relationship is going, what you are REALLY asking him is, “So, are we heading toward foreverland, or are we heading toward breaking up? Aaaaaand, GO.”
No pressure, right? Jeez.
BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU MEANT, RIGHT? THAT’S THE POINT
Now, I can already hear you saying, “NO! That’s not what I was asking! All I wanted to know was…”
And let me stop you right there and say — however you were about to finish that sentence, THAT is what you should be asking him. And until you ask him that exact thing, there is no way in hell he’ll ever guess that’s what you wanted to know when you asked this awful made-up-in-a-magazine question.
SO WHAT DOES HIS ANSWER MEAN?
Honestly? Nothing. Well, nothing to do with your relationship anyway. He was just treading water. What it means is that you asked him a question where the two possible answers were, ‘marriage’ and ‘one of us dumping the other one.’
So he punted. What his answer really meant was, “Please, oh please, let this answer be good enough to end this conversation until I can figure out what to say.”
Valerie. Please. Ask him a better question. Not just better for him, better for YOU. What do you REALLY want from him here? What do you REALLY want to know? I don’t know what it is that you want to know, and boy, let me tell you that HE sure doesn’t know either.
Say, ladies — how does it usually go when you ask a fella “how the relationship is going?” Have you come up with a better way of getting what you’re after here?
Posted: March 30th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Ali
Time March 30, 2009 at 9:01 am
I only asked that question once and the response was pretty much the same. No, wait…he completely shut down and accused me of trying to label our “thing”. So, you only have to tell me once. Didn’t ask again and our thing ended shortly after that. But I do like the “plain-n-simple” answer from Jeff. Guys have this tendency of freaking out when asked this question, possibly because of the only two answers. Either you see a future or you don’t. Jeff, you are always hitting the nail on the head, always!
Comment from Selena
Time March 30, 2009 at 9:43 am
I’ve never asked this question. Never felt the need to.
Maybe I think like a guy, but the answer seems simple to me: He’s happy with the way things are and doesn’t plan to propose this week.
When someone asks this question, aren’t they really asking if they think they will marry ‘someday’? If that’s the real question, why not just ask it straight out? If you can’t discuss the possibility, then you aren’t close enough to get married anyway. Or you seriously need to work on your communication skills. Or both.
Comment from Ali
Time March 30, 2009 at 11:13 am
AnneZ: I love, love, love your responses. If they would at least try to put some effort. But sometimes, we don’t even get that.
The reason I asked THE question is because I was not sure about him. Meaning, I didn’t want things to get any serious than they were, he took it completely different and shut me off and that for me was a major red flag. I admit I might’ve asked the wrong question, you know, not the exact question, so I agree with Selena, communication gets in the way of our true intentions sometimes. Live and learn!
Comment from Selena
Time March 30, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Ali,
People who are happy with the way things ARE don’t ask that question. Why rock the boat? Why mess up a good thing? It’s really an odd question for someone to ask if they DON’T want things to get more serious than they already are. Planning a future – that kind of thing.
What kind of response were you hoping to get from the guy you were dating, if you liked things they way the were and DIDN’T want to get more serious?
Comment from Sara
Time March 30, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Agree with Jeff completely. I just caught the flip side of this when my boyfriend asked where this was going. We both know that he doesn’t want kids and I do, but we’ve been ignoring it because we’re happy there’s no reason to break up. We aren’t interested in other people, and we aren’t looking either. We live in the same place and it’s working great.
What he should have asked is “How much longer should we do this before we admit we aren’t going to be together forever?”
If there’s something specific you want to know, ask. If not, there’s nothing to ask and just keep being happy!
Comment from Canberra Dave
Time March 30, 2009 at 5:26 pm
@AnneZ
None of those answers would ever occur to me. I mean – now that I read them I think I see what that question might mean, but …
Actually, those answers might be better elicted by a question that asks “how are you feeling about aou relationship *right now*”. Put the focus on *current* feelings, rather than asking (or seeming to ask) for a future feelings commitment? After all, you can’t promise that you will always feel the way you do now – stuff happens.
Comment from Trying to figure out
Time March 30, 2009 at 9:08 pm
Jeff, I’m a huge fan of your blog-it has seriously helped me with understanding issues in my relationship and communicating better with my boyfriend. THANK YOU!
As a poor communicator, I have asked my boyfriend of 1.5 years “Do you think you’ll love me forever?” and “Do you think we’ll be together forever?” We have not talked about marriage seriously even though the relationship is great. I know he didn’t like the questions AT ALL but he did answer “yes” to both questions, although he did pause and asked back “there’s really just one answer, isn’t it?”
Point is I really appreciated the fact that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings by saying the “wrong” things, even though he was annoyed by the bad questions. I don’t think he was lying to me just to get out of the conversation. If a man feels the way towards a girl, it’s not impossible he admits he thinks he sees the relationship in the long term.
Either he really thinks that way or just trying to be nice, it was good enough for me at the moment of the conversation.
Comment from Ali
Time March 30, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Selena,
I asked the question ’cause I saw things going in a different direction than what I wanted. He was doing (not saying) things that led me to believe that he wanted to get serious, so i wanted to make sure we were on the same page. Based on his response, we were not. Never will I make that general questions again. Specific, yes but nothing so vague that will give me a vague answer. So, after reading this Manslations, I’ve learned that men need to be asked the right, specific question to get the right and specific answer.
Comment from Selena
Time March 31, 2009 at 5:20 am
Ali,
Okay I see. I was in a relationship once that I saw as only casual. After a month, I felt the guy was getting too attached to me so I broke it off.
You know, I think if I’d asked him specifically if he was feeling more serious about me than I was about him, he would have lied and said “No”. It never occured to me to ask. I broke it off mainly because a relationship with *him* even casual, just wasn’t what I wanted. It was dissatisfing for me and wasn’t doing him any favors either.
I wonder how many people who ask the question “where is this going?” actually pretty much know the answer, but are either looking for reassurance…..or a lie?
Comment from Bloomsbury Bell
Time March 31, 2009 at 7:16 pm
I’m in Ali’s situation right now, and have been tempted to ask THE question because I wish I could make sure we’re both as casual about things as we started out. (I won’t ask it, though, because I know it would backfire.) Difference is, not only have I started to suspect he sees things as having gotten more serious, but also I want to give myself some time to see if I might feel that way. (We’re approaching that all-important three-month milestone.) He’s a great guy and the embodiment of my list of “musts” in a mate, but I’m not sure I see long-term potential. I’m not sure I don’t see it either, though.
Comment from Ali
Time April 1, 2009 at 6:57 am
BB (Bloomsbury Bell),
I would approach this as straight forward as possible. Just ask the right question, like Jeff said, think of the answer are you looking for and then make that precise question. My personal incident was that he wanted to go out more (couple stuff), introduce me to his family, that sort of thing and I was not on the same page with him. To me it was more like a casual, non-exclusive thing. I must say that he took it as a major hit to his ego & that’s why we ended. Guys can be very proud sometimes. My advice will me “prepare for the worst expecting the best”.
Comment from michalene
Time April 6, 2009 at 4:19 pm
what does it mean when he says your trouble?
Comment from Selena
Time April 6, 2009 at 6:12 pm
What does it mean when he says you’re trouble?
He’s attracted to you and flirting.
I hope the guy saying this isn’t married – because that really does mean trouble – all the way around.
Comment from Melanie
Time April 15, 2009 at 12:29 pm
I have been with my SO since June 2007 (almost 2 years.). We moved in together soon after and a few months later when I asked for help with bills he moved back to his home. He said it was because his ex-girlfriend was causing us problems and he did not want her and her boyfriend showing up at my home. We had already discussed marriage and a future. However, by the end of the year he was saying he did not know what he wanted and he was scared of what he may do wrong. Things have been rocky since then. He gets close then backs off completely. Neither of us are seeing others. I tried once last year but he called the whole time and came by my home while the guy was over watching a movie. So, I gave up, thinking that we would still work it out. For the last year I have to ask how he feels now and what he wants. He rarely responds at all. He used to tell me he loved me all the time. IDK now, if I say it first he will too but never on his own unless I tell him to give me reason we should not end it . I am trying to decide what to do or how to get things back to normal at least. If not, I want him out of my life so I can move on. I do love him and want only him in my life but, I am tired of the games and lack of commitment. He is 40, divorced, with 3 girls all teens and up. I am 30, divorced with girl and boy. I do not want to continue wasting my time in what may be dead end and having my emotions in turmoil over and over. I want to marry and have more kids in the future. Not stuck in a bad loop so no one else can get in. What do you think? Why does he run when we get close again, or shut down when I ask him questions like the above? Is he scared of something I can’t see? Or should I just end it and deal with the pain now before the feelings get any deeper?
Comment from AnneZ
Time March 30, 2009 at 8:58 am
One of my pet peeves. Off the top of my head, I can think of several answers. Can’t for the life of me figure out why it’s so “terrifying” and why he can’t answer:
1. I care for you very much and want to see how far we can go. Where do YOU see us going?
2. I feel very happy but I haven’t thought much further ahead. Are you happy?
3. I’m deliriously happy and I can’t live without you. Didin’t you know that?
4. Well…since you brought it up, I’m feeling a little restless, how would you feel if we made some changes?
5. My mom and dad want me to marry you, but I don’t feel ready but I love you and don’t want to lose you (I wish someone would have said this to me at the time. He told me ten years later. If he’d spoken up at the time, I would have said “Hey, don’t worry about it! I’m not ready either! Don’t let them pressure you!” Him not telling me changed both our lives, unhappily.)
6. I got so burned in my first marriage I have vowed never to do it again so my plans are if you want to stick around, maybe we could live together. I need five more years of dating you to be sure.
7. I plan to be a huge star and when I’m leaving middle age impregnate you then when I’m officially a senior citizen and our kid is old enough to help plan things and we’ve been together for most of 3 decades, I might sign a wedding license. Thank you, Wordwide Pants Corporation.
I could keep going. Why can’t fellas think of even one of these at the time? Why all the constant terror? It’s so draining….
Requiring her to ask the perfectly crafted question reminds me of the prisoner who tells police I didn’t tell you about the dead body in the basement because you didn’t ask. A forthright person won’t play games with you, they will let you know the things you need.