Comments on: When He Doesn’t Know Where It’s Going

By: Melanie

Melanie — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 17:29:28 +0000

I have been with my SO since June 2007 (almost 2 years.). We moved in together soon after and a few months later when I asked for help with bills he moved back to his home. He said it was because his ex-girlfriend was causing us problems and he did not want her and her boyfriend showing up at my home. We had already discussed marriage and a future. However, by the end of the year he was saying he did not know what he wanted and he was scared of what he may do wrong. Things have been rocky since then. He gets close then backs off completely. Neither of us are seeing others. I tried once last year but he called the whole time and came by my home while the guy was over watching a movie. So, I gave up, thinking that we would still work it out. For the last year I have to ask how he feels now and what he wants. He rarely responds at all. He used to tell me he loved me all the time. IDK now, if I say it first he will too but never on his own unless I tell him to give me reason we should not end it . I am trying to decide what to do or how to get things back to normal at least. If not, I want him out of my life so I can move on. I do love him and want only him in my life but, I am tired of the games and lack of commitment. He is 40, divorced, with 3 girls all teens and up. I am 30, divorced with girl and boy. I do not want to continue wasting my time in what may be dead end and having my emotions in turmoil over and over. I want to marry and have more kids in the future. Not stuck in a bad loop so no one else can get in. What do you think? Why does he run when we get close again, or shut down when I ask him questions like the above? Is he scared of something I can’t see? Or should I just end it and deal with the pain now before the feelings get any deeper?

By: Selena

Selena — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 23:12:35 +0000

What does it mean when he says you’re trouble?

He’s attracted to you and flirting.

I hope the guy saying this isn’t married – because that really does mean trouble – all the way around.

By: michalene

michalene — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 21:19:04 +0000

what does it mean when he says your trouble?

By: Ali

Ali — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 11:57:41 +0000

BB (Bloomsbury Bell),
I would approach this as straight forward as possible. Just ask the right question, like Jeff said, think of the answer are you looking for and then make that precise question. My personal incident was that he wanted to go out more (couple stuff), introduce me to his family, that sort of thing and I was not on the same page with him. To me it was more like a casual, non-exclusive thing. I must say that he took it as a major hit to his ego & that’s why we ended. Guys can be very proud sometimes. My advice will me “prepare for the worst expecting the best”.

By: Bloomsbury Bell

Bloomsbury Bell — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 00:16:23 +0000

I’m in Ali’s situation right now, and have been tempted to ask THE question because I wish I could make sure we’re both as casual about things as we started out. (I won’t ask it, though, because I know it would backfire.) Difference is, not only have I started to suspect he sees things as having gotten more serious, but also I want to give myself some time to see if I might feel that way. (We’re approaching that all-important three-month milestone.) He’s a great guy and the embodiment of my list of “musts” in a mate, but I’m not sure I see long-term potential. I’m not sure I don’t see it either, though.

By: Selena

Selena — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 10:20:55 +0000

Ali,
Okay I see. I was in a relationship once that I saw as only casual. After a month, I felt the guy was getting too attached to me so I broke it off.

You know, I think if I’d asked him specifically if he was feeling more serious about me than I was about him, he would have lied and said “No”. It never occured to me to ask. I broke it off mainly because a relationship with *him* even casual, just wasn’t what I wanted. It was dissatisfing for me and wasn’t doing him any favors either.

I wonder how many people who ask the question “where is this going?” actually pretty much know the answer, but are either looking for reassurance…..or a lie?

By: Ali

Ali — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 03:03:30 +0000

Selena,
I asked the question ’cause I saw things going in a different direction than what I wanted. He was doing (not saying) things that led me to believe that he wanted to get serious, so i wanted to make sure we were on the same page. Based on his response, we were not. Never will I make that general questions again. Specific, yes but nothing so vague that will give me a vague answer. So, after reading this Manslations, I’ve learned that men need to be asked the right, specific question to get the right and specific answer.

By: Trying to figure out

Trying to figure out — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 02:08:16 +0000

Jeff, I’m a huge fan of your blog-it has seriously helped me with understanding issues in my relationship and communicating better with my boyfriend. THANK YOU!

As a poor communicator, I have asked my boyfriend of 1.5 years “Do you think you’ll love me forever?” and “Do you think we’ll be together forever?” We have not talked about marriage seriously even though the relationship is great. I know he didn’t like the questions AT ALL but he did answer “yes” to both questions, although he did pause and asked back “there’s really just one answer, isn’t it?”

Point is I really appreciated the fact that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings by saying the “wrong” things, even though he was annoyed by the bad questions. I don’t think he was lying to me just to get out of the conversation. If a man feels the way towards a girl, it’s not impossible he admits he thinks he sees the relationship in the long term.

Either he really thinks that way or just trying to be nice, it was good enough for me at the moment of the conversation.

By: Canberra Dave

Canberra Dave — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:26:54 +0000

@AnneZ

None of those answers would ever occur to me. I mean – now that I read them I think I see what that question might mean, but …

Actually, those answers might be better elicted by a question that asks “how are you feeling about aou relationship *right now*”. Put the focus on *current* feelings, rather than asking (or seeming to ask) for a future feelings commitment? After all, you can’t promise that you will always feel the way you do now – stuff happens.

By: Sara

Sara — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:04:08 +0000

Agree with Jeff completely. I just caught the flip side of this when my boyfriend asked where this was going. We both know that he doesn’t want kids and I do, but we’ve been ignoring it because we’re happy there’s no reason to break up. We aren’t interested in other people, and we aren’t looking either. We live in the same place and it’s working great.

What he should have asked is “How much longer should we do this before we admit we aren’t going to be together forever?”

If there’s something specific you want to know, ask. If not, there’s nothing to ask and just keep being happy!