Comments on: She Just Got Engaged to a Formerly Ex-Smoker

By: Lulu

Lulu — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 01:07:41 +0000

i think you need to put it into perspective to help him understand why its such an issue for you, like for example- get him to imagine how he’d feel if you took up a block-a-day chocolate addiction, how he’d feel if you put on 30kgs & kept growing, how he’d feel about the health problems the extra weight would cause (like smoking does) & how he’d feel about his children being exposed to that (like your kids exposed to a smoker), how he’d feel about the extra money to feed your addiction (just pretend you’re addiction only includes the finest belgium lol), how he’d feel if you didnt care that you were becoming less & less attractive to him (like a smoker is to you) etc. maybe it will help him to understand.

But he has to do it for himself, I agree that motivating him with the health benefits for HIM will help, addicitons are all pretty much the same, I used to be a smoker of not just ciggarettes & the only way to break it in my experience is to decide for yourself & to stop & thats it..

Maybe as well try to ask him questions about the addicion, how he feels about it, how he feels when he smokes, when he first started again, what was he feeling/thinking at the time. The more comfortable he feels & the more he feels like you’re trying to listen to his side of the story & understand where he’s coming from, the more he will listen to you. It would at least take the problem out of the closet, which always makes stuff easier to deal with.

By: Selena

Selena — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 20:12:27 +0000

“Marriage is about how you live your life every single day–usually your odds are going to be better if you agree on the big things.”

Yep.

True of dogs, smoking, calories, shopping, gambling..whatever.

By: AnneZ

AnneZ — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 18:34:36 +0000

It certainly is not like any other “flaw.” I love dogs and have learned to cope with the mess they create. So have millions of others. Would it be okay if we carried around bags of dog droppings with us? It smells terrible to everyone nearby and could cause problems related to health, but that’s just my little flaw. How about us dog lovers carry around bags full of dog hair and sprinkle them wherever we go? What, you mean that would be unpleasant and rude to those who don’t love dogs? Can I ask my dog hating spouse to do without a dishwasher repair because I have to pay veterinary bills?

As Jeff pointed out, people need to be okay with the lifestyle habits of the other party. Dog lovers would probably do better together and smokers would probably do better together. These are very big things in your house and checkbook. Marriage is about how you live your life every single day–usually your odds are going to be better if you agree on the big things.

By: Laura

Laura — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 02:58:51 +0000

I’ve read some comments regarding how other bad habits can also be unhealthy. Smoking is not only unhealthy for the smoker, but extremely GROSS to the non smoker. I used to have a smoker boyfriend and, boy, was it disgusting to wake up in the morning with that horrid smell! It put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I can totally relate and understand breaking off a relatioship because of that.

By: indian_girl

indian_girl — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 03:47:23 +0000

Sorry guys, every person has some flaws ! Being fat, shopping dont cause kids some ‘danger’ as much as a father who smokes !

My father smoked, when I was a child, I hated to get close to him to play, for the awful smell ! He never smoked at home though ! He has quit innumerable number of times, once he even promised me that he’d quit ! Would it be the case, if a parent is fat,or shops, that a child cant go play with a parent ?

What are you doing here, pointing out a person’s natural flaws and comparing to some dangerous addiction ? And betcha, you guys are smokers, who need to point out saying ur fat, so ur not perfect, and so u shudnt be bothered to live with a smoker ? Oops ! UnReasonable Logic !

Jeff, as usual, Awesome advice on this one too ! Especially loved your closing note, about if some habit bothered Liz, how could you justify not quitting ?

By: LA Lady

LA Lady — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 23:09:20 +0000

One thing that has not been mentioned yet is the impact second-hand smoke can have on people. Most people think that smoking causes lung cancer and that is the thing to worry about, actually it affects the cardio-vascular system even more than the lungs. If children are around people smoking they have a higher incidence of life threatening asthma attacks as well as seeing the bad example of a role model smoking.

I think “non-smoker” went into the relationship wanting to date a non-smoker, and for her fiance to change his mind about smoking is a bait and switch.

This is not like other addictions because it affects everyone around you, excess food, and drugs don’t cause the family to have significant health issues.

By: mybest

mybest — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 15:52:37 +0000

This link is from another former smoker who almost lost her daughter. She says that the crisis would have been about her and her need to smoke if she still did.

https://forums.quitnet.com/aspBanjo/Message_View.asp?conference_id=10&forum_id=8&Message_ID=14076619

By: mybest

mybest — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 06:58:01 +0000

I think that you folks don’t get it. Nicotine hijacks a person’s brain chemistry in a waty that 99.985% of the population will want a cigarette about every thirty minutes.

Watch the videos of the woman who smokes through the hole in her throat or of the mother who had her son wheel her hospital bed outside so she could smoke while she was too ill to toilet herself.

I myself missed some of the greatest moments of my life because the call of the addiction came first before food or sex or money.

I missed the birth of my first grandchild because I needed to smoke.

Accept that you are with someone who may always be having that desire more than he desires what is going on now.

Some people choose the person in spite of that, others won’t have it anywhere in their lives.

I know what it is and the what it takes to break free. I also know that my own Mom can’t go without hers long enough to share a meal with me even though she knows how sick smokd makes me.

We are both still alive and I miss her like crazy.

By: Mary

Mary — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 16:05:54 +0000

I think you are just looking for a reason to dump him. Since he was once a non-smoker I am really surprized that neither Jeff or anyone thought maybe he is nervous about spending the rest of his life with you? Or just pre-wedding jitters. I have a g-friend who’s husband can smoke a cigarette then go 5 years or more before he smokes another one. If this was another addiction herion, alcohol would this even be a discussion?
I have been on both sides too. When I smoke I go outside or to my car. My ex-husband smoked trust me that was not the cause of our becoming exes. As Annie I believe mentioned how would you feel if he was dumping you because of shopping or because you got fat? Everyone has a fear of something, everyone is addicted to something. He should run from you. Sorry Jeff, you missed this one.

By: Canberra Dave

Canberra Dave — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:57:36 +0000

One of the basic rules of life is this: there is *no* *such* *thing* as an ex-smoker. There are only smokers who – for the time being – are not engaging in their habit for whatever reason. It’s one of the most wickedly addictive drugs known to science, people don’t ever give it up permanently.

Once you understand that, then decide whether you want to be in a relationship with a smoker or not.