When He Repeatedly Threatens to Leave Over the Sex
Tough one today from a reader named Aalia. Her husband bought her a copy of Manslations to read…which makes him, you know, awesome, right?
Mmmm….not so fast. He seems to be treating her…erm…how to put it delicately…um…like he’s a big tool. Let’s get some details and see where we’re at.
Hello Jeff
First off I just got done reading your book, which my Hubby got me since he keeps telling me how I DO NOT understand him, it’s a very good read and made it all the way to the hands of this little german lady in far away germany.
Well, as I said, that was a great move by Sir Hubby. But since I’ve read ahead, I know that there’s not only something rotten in the state of Denmark, there’s also some pretty weird stuff going on in Germany as well.
Now I looked through all of your Archives too trying to see what I am not getting.
Bit background.I met my hubby (a GI) when I was 16, he was my first everything and I have always been probably way to much in love with him. I moved to the US with him and we had some really big problems, bordering abuse and cheating but I have always been forgiving, after all I wanted to be with him so much I left home. Now we are back home in Germany and things just keep blowing up and it.s been like that for the past 10 years.
Wow. Ten years is a long time for something to be wrong. I mean, personally, I’ve only ever stayed in a relationship that was going wrong for eight and a half years. But hey, maybe I’m just a genius or something.
Now I am trying to write it as it is without sounding totally retarded…
You know, for a German lady, allow me to commend you on your judicious use of the word “retarded.” I know some people are not fans of using that word in this context. Luckily none of them are me. Proceed.
Usual scenario:
He is asking for a BJ or trying to get me to do things in bed I really dont want to. ( And I really like normal sex, I’d do, if it was up to me, 3 times a week or more). But I am not into the whole dildo, strapon and cum shots stuff and I have tried but I just cant get myself to do those things…
Holy crap. Boy, was THAT not where I thought this thing was going. I’m not sure what your definition of “normal sex” is of course, but that stuff you just can’t get yourself to do? Yes, you’ve got a lot of company in that.
Next is the big blow up, of how he would do anything for me in bed and I am boring, obviously not loving him enough or I would be doing these things for him and he hates sex with me and can’t stand being married to me. Never mind that we have a house, kids, dog, you name it. He keeps telling me I am a good wife in everything but it’s not enough, because he is not getting in bed what he wants..
Whoa, whoa, whoa nelly, there, fella! His reaction seems to be just a LEEEEEETLE bit over the top.
Could it be, perhaps, that this gentleman feels a little insecure about himself and his sexual desires…and when you turn him down, he feels the need to attack YOU, so that it’s all YOUR problem, and you know, nevermind his insecurities? Methinks, perhaps…
If it comes down to sex for him its, I want sex I need to give him a BJ…when I tell him, he is involved in the sex too after all, he just don’t count that.
We have a blow up like that about once a month, he wants to divorce me leave , totally emotionally crushes me till he gets what he wants and then its all back to normal for him.
But its starting to get to my health…
Uh, yeah, I’d think so. But you know what? Even if it wasn’t, this still isn’t ok.
Well besides that he is unbelievably jealous (I did have the decency to have a best male friend, that i contacted even after he told me not to anymore..) When I used to work , he would constantly accuse me of having affairs, I tried to lose weight for him and went to the Gym ..guess who I supposeble had an affair with then…the Trainer, now I am a stay at home mom, I don’t go anywhere… i don’t even have a licence but god beware there is tire tracks in the driveway (in the snow) or there is a phone number on the caller ID he don’t know…he has access to all my emails, or pages or IMs I do not have anything to hide…but he still doesn’t believe me.
I fully expect the next sentence to be totally surprising:
But his stuff is private unless he decides to show me something…
Wow. How surprising. Can you tell how surprised I am at that last part? Do you guys have sarcasm in Germany?
Please tell me, what am I not getting?
Dear Aalia,
Well, here’s what I think you’re not getting. Him. And he’s not getting you. I mean…the two of you appear to be working on entirely different planes, right?
Let’s take these issues one at a time. No, you know what? Let’s take them both together. And answer them in one word:
I.N.S.E.C.U.R.I.T.Y….FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME!
Ok, that wasn’t my best Aretha impression. Eh, you know what? It probably was. Ah well.
The point is that BOTH of these issues, to me, speak of massive insecurity on his part. Sorry, hubby — I know you bought my book and all. But if you did, you likely read about the “Anger Smokescreen.” That’s when a guy FLIPS out at a woman to misdirect her attention — away from himself, and toward her.
That’s what he’s trying to do in the bedroom, Aalia, right?
PUTTING THE “JOB” IN BLOWJOB
Is it really your “job” to fulfill your partner’s sexual fantasies? My newly enwifened lady faire once quoted some other relationship advice dude (can’t remember who it was) who was addressing this very subject. His point was that your responsibility is to be game for whatever your partner needs…if you can. And if you can’t, well, it’s their job to be able to be ok with that. Otherwise, how can you be together?
Now, clearly, you have given it the old college try. These things simply do not work for you. Now, that could be a problem.
But it’s not THE problem. The question that I have is, how did the conversation go from, “How’s about a BJ, hey?” to, “I hate you and can’t stand being married to you.“ I mean…I can certainly respect someone wanting what they want, and feeling lousy when they don’t get it.
But what is NOT ok is to threaten to leave every time you don’t get what you want.
J.E.A.L.O.U.S.Y….FIND OUT WH…oh nevermind
Same deal here. The problem is not what it SEEMS to be — other men. The problem is: why does he feel so insecure in the relationship that every tire track causes a level five meltdown?
SO…WHAT TO DO?
Well, it’s time for Aretha again. RESPECT. One thing that is never ok in a relationship — any one that I’m in anyway — is to threaten to leave idly. What IS that? It’s disrespect. It’s a hostage situation. “Do what I say, or the relationship gets it!“
This is not ok. Unfortunately, there’s no way it’s going to stop without discussing it directly. But you’ve been experiencing this once per month for ten years. Honestly, if you could break this cycle yourself, you’d have done it, wouldn’t you?
RECOMMENDATION: GET BETTER HELP THAN…YOU KNOW…ME
I’d recommend couples therapy. Not that I ever had very good luck with couples therapy. But I’ll give it this — it introduces a neutral party. A referee, if you will. Someone who isn’t on anybody’s “side” and who is not emotionally invested in the situation. Someone who can point out what’s going on.
I know that’s not much of a manslation — to advise couples therapy. But really, if this things been going on for 10 years…I mean, I am just a former-comedian-turned-author, you know? The help you need is big stuff.
I can tell you what NOT to do — don’t accept this. You’ve been with him since you were 16, so maybe you don’t know this, but this kind of behavior on his part is NOT ok. If you want it to change, I think you need some help.
What say you, ladies? Advice for our little German friend?
Posted: April 3rd, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from AnneZ
Time April 3, 2009 at 9:01 am
Thoroughly agree with Jeff–this situation requires professional help. Indeed, I am worried about the writer’s safety.
Isolating a woman–job must be abandoned, friends must be run off, caller ID must be checked, freakin’ tire tracks in the driveway–is a classic sign of a dangerous abuser. This goes hand in hand with the emotional abuse. And it sounds like things in the bedroom might even become physically abusive already.
I don’t know what social services there are in Germany or on base, if he is still in the military, but I urge the writer to start educating herself on them.
Please pick up some pamphlets on domestic violence. In addition to Jeff’s wonderful book which led you to his wonderful advice–and I hope you heard him loud and clear–try picking up some Ann Rule books, see if you recognize a pattern that feels familiar.
At 16, you didn’t have the tools to understand who he was. Now as an adult, you don’t have the experience to compare him to others. Believe us, most men do NOT behave like him. Often those that do end up in tragic situations involving law enforcement.
I’m sorry if I’m scaring you, but he has you so isolated–no drivers license, even–you seem to have few other ways of getting a reality check. This is NOT a good situation–GET HELP!
Comment from LiL Henna
Time April 3, 2009 at 9:06 am
I totally agree with Sassy. Couples therapy is a definite start, and if he’s unwilling to do that, she should really cut her ties–if not for herself, then for her kids. Her children shouldn’t grow up to think the kind of behavior they see in their household is “normal” and that’s what would most likely happen. He won’t change unless he can finally admit that there’s a serious problem on his part; if he’s unwilling to get help, that should be more than enough proof that he either doesn’t see or doesn’t want to see where he’s lost touch with reality.
They, as parents, have a responsibility to those kids to give them examples of the kind of people the children should aspire to be. If he doesn’t want to own up to that responsibility, seek help, and set the best example for his children to follow, then she should have the strength to walk away.
Comment from AnneZ
Time April 3, 2009 at 9:31 am
And looky at this….
I just happened to stumble on this on CNN/Oprah minutes after I left this site. I hope this is okay to post and I urge the writer and any other woman who related to her post to go read the whole thing. The two men quoted below are abusers who reveal their thoughts to Oprah:
“Although physical abuse is never acceptable, Sir and Tony say it’s the emotional abuse that leaves the deepest scars. “The internal abuse, the demoralizing and demeaning of a woman, lasted longer than the physical abuse,” Tony says. “The bruises heal. On the inside, you strip away their pride, force them to compromise their self-worth, their self-respect.”
Tony says a grooming process tends to take place within abusive relationships….”
I repeat–I urge the writer to go read up on this “grooming” that takes place. There’s more in the article and there’s lots on this topic in many places.
Please, be safe.
Comment from Cora
Time April 3, 2009 at 10:01 am
If he want to leave, tell him he can.
Comment from Elke
Time April 3, 2009 at 10:28 am
liebe Aalia,
First of all, lots of hugs. It sounds like you are in a heart-wrenching situation. Your husband is controlling and abusive. All the red flags are there; isolating, blaming, controlling, gaslighting. You are not his wife, you are is property. Couples therapy does not work for abusive relationships. The abuser manipulates the situation and learns strategies to be used later. If Jeff allows, please google “our place”. It is an abuse board and all the ladies there are great. Tell your story and be prepared for some amazing help. You deserve so much more, Schatzie.
Lg,
Elke
Comment from Elke
Time April 3, 2009 at 10:47 am
I would like to add something. Please do not discuss the abuse board with your husband and be sure to clean your search cache after being online. Odds are he keeps an eye on that, I practically guarantee it. I don’t know which city you live in Germany but there are Frauenhaueser everywhere. You are not alone anymore…
Comment from KC
Time April 4, 2009 at 8:54 am
I think at some point you’re going to have to make a decision who you value more – you or him. Not only are you being affected by this, but your children are being exposed to a very dysfuntional relationship between their parents. Have you really sat down and thought about why you love him? Are you happy, does he make you happy? If not, life is so short – shouldn’t you consider your options? May I also reccommend an excellent book I’m currently reading called ” Choosing the Me before We” by Christine Arylo. It’s quite enlightning.
Comment from T
Time April 4, 2009 at 9:32 am
Let me introduce another word here:
NARCISSISM
This is classic narcissism at its worst. And couples therapy, though a good idea, is something that I can almost guarantee this husband will not do.
The worst part is that a mate of a narcissist feels trapped and in a perpetual state of confusion.
Yeah, I learned about this because I’ve been through it too.
Getting past it… is a very difficult process. I would recommend that Aalia go to her own therapist and discuss these topics. Or look on the internet for narcissistic personality disorder. And search for spouses of narcissists too. You may find that the signs look very familiar.
It is terribly damaging and difficult to remove yourself from.
Good luck Aalia.
Comment from Kelli
Time April 4, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Not to add fuel to the fire, but he also sounds like a sex addict with what I’m guessing is a pretty severe porn addiction — cum shots, woman as object for his pleasure, extreme sex with no regard to how you feel about your role in it. His anger may be fueled by an inability to “get off” in any other fashion than something resembling what he sees on screen. Let me tell you right here, no healthy person expects you to be a porn star if you don’t want to be and this has NOTHING to do with how attractive, skinny, beautiful, good in bed, etc. you are. It has everything to do with his pathology. We’ve thrown a lot of labels at the situation, but I do think they are all correct. Abuser, narcissist, addict… and its not your fault. Any of it.
I agree that he’s not likely to be a willing partner in a therapy situation, but also encourage you to continue to seek help (like you have here) and end your isolation. I hear the love you still have for him and I know this advice must be breaking your heart… but the most loving thing for you, your kids and him would be to not let him treat your family like this anymore. I’m also concerned about your safety, so if there are any friends he lets you have — get them to help you get out.
Best Wishes Aalia.
Comment from Shelby
Time April 4, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Great Manslation & answers, Jeff–you have truly helped this girl & hopefully her husband. I’d like to add that this guy doesn’t have just a porn addiction, but a control issue. He sounds like a classic BPD. There is NO CURE for Borderline Personality Disorder. I am sorry to say that this husband is textbook BPD if all this is accurate & I’m understanding it, correctly. You will never be able to do anything to totally please him & there will always be a “price to pay” when you try. The ONLY thing that is going to help this situation is his going for counseling. They can treat with Depakote probably and therapy. But never a cure. It’s a sad situation and being involved with someone with BPD is a hard task but if you love him, get him into counseling. A psychiatrist will have to evaluate and treat, this isnt something a marriage counselor can handle. Seriously. If you look up the personality traits and BPD, they all mesh. I might be wrong, but this is truly what it seems to be. My ex husband was a BPD as was my fiance’s ex and I can tell you, it’s a hard thing to go through. My ex and your husband are more extreme cases, but even light traits get worse over time. If you get help now, this might be able to be maintained and your marriage, saved. I wish you the best and hope you can stay strong.
Comment from indian_girl
Time April 4, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Therapy cant turn abusive people into total angels, for sure ! It could take many more years for this man to learn how to treat a person like … a person, you know?
And what about your self-esteem, health till then ? How torturous must it be for you, to hear those sentences every now and then, shutting you off the world, and all the anger/insecurity smokescreens ?
Did you realize how tough it must be for your kids too, to see you unhappy so often ? Please, please tell him, he can leave if he wants to ! or even better,tell him you’ll make it easier for him and leave ! Whoa, he might come around with lots of crap to counter his surprise, but hopefully that wud be the last depressing argument ever with that emotional abuser !
Comment from indian_girl
Time April 4, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Though I dont think Therapy would work, Jeff has hit the nail on this advice too ! This is NOT ok !
These kind of people firstly will never ever want to change, going to therapy ! It’s always the other persons responsibility to ‘change’ to accomodate their inhuman needs !
Please, please get help for yourself ! I wish you the best and you certainly deserve ‘peace’ in your life, even it means leaving him !
Comment from LK
Time April 5, 2009 at 8:56 am
Aalia – I was married to this guy, too. 19 years of relationship, 16 years of marriage. The porn thing, the privacy thing (his OK mine not), the threats of leaving…I even got the “if you ever leave me, you’ll never see your children again” threat (which then made me stick it out for another 7 years).
Leave. Period. As for “couples’ therapy”, we tried that for probably 15 of our 19 years together. It was always my fault, my issue and my baggage – but know that it’s he who needs “psycho individual therapy” first and foremost. The likelihood that couples’ therapy will help is probably very, very low, if he agrees to go at all. BUT you could benefit from seeing someone, with or without him there.
I will guarantee you that these guys are master manipulators. If you do choose the therapy route, make sure you get one for yourself outside of the one who handles you as a couple. You will need an advocate for you…
But really, your kids will benefit greatly from seeing you happy and healthy. None of what you are experiencing is normal and you deserve much, much more.
Good luck, Aalia. Know that many women in your shoes come out “Super Duper Strong” on the other end!
Comment from Susan
Time April 7, 2009 at 9:18 am
I agree wtih all the ladies above. This is a destructive and possibly dangerous situation. You owe it to yourself and your kids to be with someone who treats you lovingly and with respect at ALL times, not just after your guy gets what he wants. One of my favorite quotes is from Eleanor Roosevelt: “Do the thing you think you cannot do.” Do it. Please.
Comment from Sassy
Time April 3, 2009 at 7:19 am
Good answers, Jeff. And remember, even one person in a couple can go to a therapist. And there are lots of therapists out there; it’s kinda like a hair stylist. You’ve got to find on who suits you.
If your husband doesn’t want to go to the therapist, or doesn’t want you to go, that would also be a red flag for me.
And speaking of red flags, I saw two jump out in the beginning of Aalia’s letter: the part about cheating and bordering abuse. That would be enough to make me walk out. It would be better for her, better for the kids, better in the long run. I would hate for her to look back and think, “gee, I’ve wasted the last 15 years with a jerk.”
Good luck. Take care of yourself. Now.