Comments on: When He Repeatedly Threatens to Leave Over the Sex

By: Susan

Susan — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 14:18:20 +0000

I agree wtih all the ladies above. This is a destructive and possibly dangerous situation. You owe it to yourself and your kids to be with someone who treats you lovingly and with respect at ALL times, not just after your guy gets what he wants. One of my favorite quotes is from Eleanor Roosevelt: “Do the thing you think you cannot do.” Do it. Please.

By: LK

LK — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 13:56:52 +0000

Aalia – I was married to this guy, too. 19 years of relationship, 16 years of marriage. The porn thing, the privacy thing (his OK mine not), the threats of leaving…I even got the “if you ever leave me, you’ll never see your children again” threat (which then made me stick it out for another 7 years).

Leave. Period. As for “couples’ therapy”, we tried that for probably 15 of our 19 years together. It was always my fault, my issue and my baggage – but know that it’s he who needs “psycho individual therapy” first and foremost. The likelihood that couples’ therapy will help is probably very, very low, if he agrees to go at all. BUT you could benefit from seeing someone, with or without him there.

I will guarantee you that these guys are master manipulators. If you do choose the therapy route, make sure you get one for yourself outside of the one who handles you as a couple. You will need an advocate for you…

But really, your kids will benefit greatly from seeing you happy and healthy. None of what you are experiencing is normal and you deserve much, much more.

Good luck, Aalia. Know that many women in your shoes come out “Super Duper Strong” on the other end!

By: indian_girl

indian_girl — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 04:14:54 +0000

Though I dont think Therapy would work, Jeff has hit the nail on this advice too ! This is NOT ok !

These kind of people firstly will never ever want to change, going to therapy ! It’s always the other persons responsibility to ‘change’ to accomodate their inhuman needs !

Please, please get help for yourself ! I wish you the best and you certainly deserve ‘peace’ in your life, even it means leaving him !

By: indian_girl

indian_girl — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 04:05:41 +0000

Therapy cant turn abusive people into total angels, for sure ! It could take many more years for this man to learn how to treat a person like … a person, you know?

And what about your self-esteem, health till then ? How torturous must it be for you, to hear those sentences every now and then, shutting you off the world, and all the anger/insecurity smokescreens ?

Did you realize how tough it must be for your kids too, to see you unhappy so often ? Please, please tell him, he can leave if he wants to ! or even better,tell him you’ll make it easier for him and leave ! Whoa, he might come around with lots of crap to counter his surprise, but hopefully that wud be the last depressing argument ever with that emotional abuser !

By: Shelby

Shelby — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 18:08:44 +0000

Great Manslation & answers, Jeff–you have truly helped this girl & hopefully her husband. I’d like to add that this guy doesn’t have just a porn addiction, but a control issue. He sounds like a classic BPD. There is NO CURE for Borderline Personality Disorder. I am sorry to say that this husband is textbook BPD if all this is accurate & I’m understanding it, correctly. You will never be able to do anything to totally please him & there will always be a “price to pay” when you try. The ONLY thing that is going to help this situation is his going for counseling. They can treat with Depakote probably and therapy. But never a cure. It’s a sad situation and being involved with someone with BPD is a hard task but if you love him, get him into counseling. A psychiatrist will have to evaluate and treat, this isnt something a marriage counselor can handle. Seriously. If you look up the personality traits and BPD, they all mesh. I might be wrong, but this is truly what it seems to be. My ex husband was a BPD as was my fiance’s ex and I can tell you, it’s a hard thing to go through. My ex and your husband are more extreme cases, but even light traits get worse over time. If you get help now, this might be able to be maintained and your marriage, saved. I wish you the best and hope you can stay strong.

By: Kelli

Kelli — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 17:30:48 +0000

Not to add fuel to the fire, but he also sounds like a sex addict with what I’m guessing is a pretty severe porn addiction — cum shots, woman as object for his pleasure, extreme sex with no regard to how you feel about your role in it. His anger may be fueled by an inability to “get off” in any other fashion than something resembling what he sees on screen. Let me tell you right here, no healthy person expects you to be a porn star if you don’t want to be and this has NOTHING to do with how attractive, skinny, beautiful, good in bed, etc. you are. It has everything to do with his pathology. We’ve thrown a lot of labels at the situation, but I do think they are all correct. Abuser, narcissist, addict… and its not your fault. Any of it.

I agree that he’s not likely to be a willing partner in a therapy situation, but also encourage you to continue to seek help (like you have here) and end your isolation. I hear the love you still have for him and I know this advice must be breaking your heart… but the most loving thing for you, your kids and him would be to not let him treat your family like this anymore. I’m also concerned about your safety, so if there are any friends he lets you have — get them to help you get out.

Best Wishes Aalia.

By: T

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 14:32:02 +0000

Let me introduce another word here:

NARCISSISM

This is classic narcissism at its worst. And couples therapy, though a good idea, is something that I can almost guarantee this husband will not do.

The worst part is that a mate of a narcissist feels trapped and in a perpetual state of confusion.

Yeah, I learned about this because I’ve been through it too.

Getting past it… is a very difficult process. I would recommend that Aalia go to her own therapist and discuss these topics. Or look on the internet for narcissistic personality disorder. And search for spouses of narcissists too. You may find that the signs look very familiar.

It is terribly damaging and difficult to remove yourself from.

Good luck Aalia.

By: KC

KC — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 13:54:29 +0000

I think at some point you’re going to have to make a decision who you value more – you or him. Not only are you being affected by this, but your children are being exposed to a very dysfuntional relationship between their parents. Have you really sat down and thought about why you love him? Are you happy, does he make you happy? If not, life is so short – shouldn’t you consider your options? May I also reccommend an excellent book I’m currently reading called ” Choosing the Me before We” by Christine Arylo. It’s quite enlightning.

By: Elke

Elke — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 15:47:47 +0000

I would like to add something. Please do not discuss the abuse board with your husband and be sure to clean your search cache after being online. Odds are he keeps an eye on that, I practically guarantee it. I don’t know which city you live in Germany but there are Frauenhaueser everywhere. You are not alone anymore…

By: Elke

Elke — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 15:28:34 +0000

liebe Aalia,
First of all, lots of hugs. It sounds like you are in a heart-wrenching situation. Your husband is controlling and abusive. All the red flags are there; isolating, blaming, controlling, gaslighting. You are not his wife, you are is property. Couples therapy does not work for abusive relationships. The abuser manipulates the situation and learns strategies to be used later. If Jeff allows, please google “our place”. It is an abuse board and all the ladies there are great. Tell your story and be prepared for some amazing help. You deserve so much more, Schatzie.

Lg,
Elke