Why Did He Stop Trying to Impress Her?
We’ve got a frustrated young lady going by the name of Grr, who wants to know how come her guy stopped trying to impress her after she told him she wanted to be more than friends. Oh, he’s still her BF, and a good one. But no more of the “special” stuff she liked at the beginning. What gives? Oh, I have an inkling.
Hi Jeff,
I read your book and stayed up until 3am finishing it. It has definitely shed some light on my dating life!
Oh yes? You…you mean THIS lil’ ol’ book right here? Well shuck my jive, it looks like that book is available on Amazon Kindle as well! Well, whaddya know about that? Ahem. Carry on.
I met my current boyfriend off Craigslist (yes, I know…) about 6 months ago.
Was he listed as, “Old futon for sale, looking for a good home. No pets, please“? No? Weird.
We went on a blind date at a ghetto pizza joint. We met under the pretense of being friends. It was very clear he was interested in more, and for the next 2 months, we hung out, flirted, made out a bit, but no sex. I totally started to fall for him. He was the last person I thought I’d like, but he grew on me like fungus. (The Good Kind) 
Sure, I’m with you. Shitake, right? Or crimini? Not, for example, the kind you might find on a futon you bought off of CraigsList. Gotcha.
Anyways, he was always very open about his feelings, very affectionate, would go out of his way to impress me; UP UNTIL THE POINT I TOLD HIM I WANTED TO BE MORE THAN “FRIENDS” - Now, he is like a different person.
Uh oh.
We still hang out, have a great time together, and he TOLD me numerous times he wants to be my boyfriend (and we are currently in a BF/GF relationship)
Oh ok, that doesn’t sound as bad as you think.
…but he is no longer in the “impress your new girlfriend” mode, and he doesn’t talk about his feelings openly like he used to.
Yeah, that’s not necessarily so bad. I’ll ‘splain in a minute.
What’s up with that? He does include me in family events, we still have a great time together, but the more affectionate, open guy I “fell” for, seems to be missing from the picture. Was he just in it for the chase?
~ Grr…….
Dear Grr,
Well, the bad news is that yes, there ARE guys who are only in it for the chase. The good news is that this guy doesn’t seem to be one of them.
Why do I think that? Well, those guys don’t generally stick around. After they catch their chase-ee, they usually find themselves incredibly bored. (Truth be told, they were bored before, too. That’s why they needed to “chase.”) When they tell you they’re bored, they might not use that word, exactly. They might pronounce that word as “crazy busy” or “not ready for a relationship” but that’s what it is.
But not this guy. He’s not only including you in family stuff, he’s still looking to have a good time with you, be your boyfriend, etc. So why did all the “impress her” stuff stop?
THE CHASE AIN’T JUST FOR CHASERS
Well, “the chase” might have had an effect here, even if he wasn’t in it just for the chase.
Manslata what?
Here’s the thing. In many cases, the male brain thinks in terms of cause and effect. I do THIS to get OVER THERE. He wanted to be with you. And he wanted you to want to be with him.
Then, he GOT that stuff. And the main spark that lit that fire underneath him to do that stuff before — i.e. to get closer — suddenly isn’t there anymore. He doesn’t “need” to do something special to get closer. You’re, you know, there.
What he doesn’t realize (and I’m guessing this is a young-ish guy) is that even though he doesn’t have a “finish line” to reach with you at the moment, a relationship still requires attention.
METAPHOR, PLEASE?
A lot of guys I know don’t really understand how to take care of plants. I know that I’m not great at it. Why? Well, we forget to water them. Is it because we don’t really like the plant? No, it’s because…well, there’s nothing to “accomplish.” I already own the plant. It’s not like if I water it, something total cool is going to happen. If a plant would…I don’t know, explode if you watered it enough, I’d probably remember to do it.
This is why guys often forget to get their woman flowers “for no reason.” I mean, if there’s no reason…er…why would we do it? Took me a long, long time (and a very intense conversation with the lil’ lady) to get that one. And I still forget.
HOW TO GET IT BACK? GIVE HIM THE OCCASIONAL GOAL LINE
What do I mean by that? Well, you’ve got to train him that there is still big fun to be had in “impressing” you, as you put it. You have to show him that, by doing these things, he becomes a total rock star of a boyfriend.
How? Well, you might have to stack the deck a little in the beginning. Given that he’s been a little recalcitrant in his boyfriendial duties of late, you might have to give him a bit of a “gimme.” Basically, come up with a reason to be “bowled over” by something nice that he does.
Basically, fake it ’til he makes it. Show him, and in no uncertain terms, that when he treats you right, he’s going to KNOW about it. Encourage what you like, and you’ll get more of it. (Hint: you probably already know that this tactic works in the ol’ sack as well.)
OR YOU COULD JUST DO IT THE EASY WAY
As I say, my enwifened lady faire once let me know that she was rather disappointed in my behavior. In her case it was the fact that I rarely thought to get her a little something for nothing. That was what she happened to be missing. She let me know exactly how she felt, and what she wanted. I’m not going to say I ALWAYS remember to do that kind of stuff for her, but I’ll tell you what — had she not told me about it in no uncertain terms, I probably wouldn’t have guessed. Not exactly anyway.
I know, I know, a lot of women hate that advice. They don’t want to come right out and say what they want. It annoys them that the guy doesn’t guess. And they think it makes them look weak, clingy, needy, something. Well, you know what REALLY makes you look like that? Wanting something but not telling him.
Good luck, Grr. By the description of your relationship, it sounds like you just need a little tune up. Let him know what you need to go from Grr to Prr, and I’ll bet you anything that you get it.
Hey ladies — how do YOU get a guy to treat you like he used to?
Posted: April 6th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Selena
Time April 6, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Sara,
“Do your YOUR hair nicely”? I’m confused by this. I can only imagine how a lover of yours might feel. Is you guy a hair stylist in training, …or something? Why do you want someone you are dating to do your hair?
Comment from Sassy
Time April 6, 2009 at 6:25 pm
I think Sara was saying that she fixes her hair and would like her man to notice. Just a guess!
Comment from AnneZ
Time April 6, 2009 at 7:23 pm
I think she may also means she grooms herself attractively for his pleasure and is wishing that he would sometimes pretty up himself for her benefit, too.
Everyone wants to feel their loved one grooms specially for them–cologne, shave, etc.
Comment from Selena
Time April 6, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Oh, okay. So she fixes her hair nicely “for him” and wouldn’t do so otherwise? (Biting my tongue here) And she wishes what…that he would fix his own hair nicely for her? Are we to understand he’s unacquainted with the plastic utensil we call a comb?
Comment from Judy
Time April 7, 2009 at 9:22 am
Geez, Selena, let the hair thing go. Here’s an example for you, though: I had a boyfriend who loved me with my hair done up, so once in a while, I’d take the EXTRA time to pin it up for him. That’s all. Gee whiz.
Comment from Carlie
Time April 7, 2009 at 11:05 am
That was my question above – — The funny thing is, his PERSONALITY changed also.
He isn’t as affectionate, and puts me at the BOTTOM of his priority list. He is 33, NOT a young guy. He races Karts, and he has made it very clear that is his #1 priority and everything else is underneath it. Including me, apparently.
What’s really bothering me, is that he doesn’t joke around like he used to, doesn’t want to really make out, (just goes right for the sex part) – and he isn’t even all that sweet anymore. It’s not just the “trying to impress” you part of the relationship that is missing. Considering we’ve only been dating 2 months, you’d think he’d at least still be “in-to” me, and I’m seriously getting the feeling that he’s not.
For example, when I ask him out to do things, before he would always be excited to go, and looking forward to seeing me. Now, he says “If I don’t have anything else planned” – Or like, how he would tell me that he missed me when he was away working, now when I tell him that I MISS HIM, he says “I Know”
However, we still have fun together for the most part, we still hang out, but it almost feels like a forced effort from his side of things. I truly don’t get it. I almost feel like I have to beg for affection, and I’m NOT a needy girl!!
WEIRD!! I guess I’m feeling neglected. He is definitely not the same person he was a couple months ago BEFORE we started “dating” and put a label on our relationship, instead of being not-so-strictly platonic “friends”…..
Comment from Amber
Time April 7, 2009 at 12:38 pm
I’m still reeling … you met a guy on Craig’s List? Like, a normal one who’s actually cute?
Comment from Carlie
Time April 7, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Yeah, amazingly huh???
I was surprised myself. That never happens. Usually, it’s a bunch of freaks and weirdo’s. Makes me think why I was on there….he responded to my ad.
Comment from Sassy
Time April 7, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Carlie,
I’m afraid that with the extra info you sent in, he’s just not that into you. He thought he would be, he tried it, and it’s just not there. You’re reading the regular cycle of dating. And, according to Jeff and other smart folks, the 3-month mark is one of the times where someone just knows they want to move forward or not.
My opinion is that he’s just spending time. “If I don’t have anything else planned” would be enough for me to wave goodbye.
good luck!
Comment from alex
Time April 7, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Carly hi. I’ve just ended a very similar situation myself. I met my ex out in the real world, but otherwise, the beginning of the story is like yours… he initiated everyything, and seemed deeply smitten to start with. Then suddenly he pulled back, pleaded we should just be friends. I pulled him back in again (pretty much just like you did) by making clear to him that my feelings for him were not “just friendly”. Things worked out for a short time, then, little by little, he stopped being physical and tender with me. We still had great times when we spent time with each other, though and even were quite domesticated together. So I really didn’t understand what the deal was. I tried to be fun and sexy and absolutely not needy – to no avail. I finally took the bull by the horns and told him I was in love with him, but that I could only continue to see him he had feelings for me too, and that his behaviour left for reasonable doubt. (By the way Mac: was that a very dumb move?). In my case, the guy replied that he wasn’t in love with me, and that his ambiguous behavious had been his way of “trying not to lead me on”. End of story. It’s a dangerous route to take, but at least it gives you clarity. Although professing love after just two months, as is your case, may just be a little too early. You could hang in there for a little longer, see how it goes, maybe pull back a little, don’t let him take you for granted, give things a chance to develop, if you care for him … but get an answer from the guy eventually – don’t wait for too long. Whaddaya think Mac ? Is that good or bad advice ?
Comment from Carlie
Time April 7, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Thank you all for your advice. *Sigh* Yes, I am in love with him. Although we’ve only been dating for about 2 months, we have known each other for 6 months, so it feels alot longer than that, since it felt ilke a relationship before we gave it that BF/Gf “title” – - – I’m going to wait things out a bit (but not too long) It’s hard to cut ties once you are emotionally invested…..I’ve never been in this type of situation before; I have a feeling he might end it before I do….
I’m also pretty sure if I uttered the “L” word, he wouldn’t feel the same. I was seriously thinking about pulling back a little bit too. Problem is, he would probably pull further away, but I guess in that situation, I would have my answer right???? Even though it’s not what I want to hear. Let’s face it; rejection sucks. Especially when you are head over heels for someone and the love is unreciprocated. Hmm…..
Comment from alex
Time April 7, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Yes, rejection sucks. But from my experience, usually, when one person pulls away, the other one pulls closer. If you feel you don’t have his love now, but only some vague affection, this affection is still going to be there in two weeks or a months’ time: even if you pull away a little. So you really don’t have anything to lose. It’s not really about cutting ties – ties last much longer than breakups or even temporary seperations. Not that I advocate either … just give yourself space to breathe.
This time last year, I was still heartbroken over the guy-before-the-one I wrote about. Two days after my breakup from the guy I dDID write about, the before-one asked me out to dinner and wanted us to get back together… which was, and is, real cruel cosmic irony. Which all just goes to show that love is not a finite thing. It seems to me that you don’t make it grow (not a man’s love, anyhow) by putting in a maximum number of hours with him. It just springs up at unexpected times. The thing is not to expect it, and to keep just enough distance in in the meantime not to get hurt. Head over heels is a dangerous place when it’s not 100% reciprocated. But of course that’s easy to say….
Comment from Selena
Time April 7, 2009 at 3:36 pm
I think Sassy is right. He thought he was interested at first, but as time went on he realized he wasn’t so much. All his actions point to that. Despite the bf/gf label it sounds as though he thinks of you as someone to hang out with when he has nothing better to do. Casual. I don’t think a talk about him doing things for you to “impress” will have any effect at all.
I can understand your desire to “hang in there” and see if he comes around, but is that realistic? If you keep this going I’m afraid you are going to be very hurt when you find out he has become involved with someone else. Pulling away might be a good strategy, but yeah…that’s easier to say than do.
Comment from KC
Time April 7, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Carlie – I don’t want to freak you out or anything but I had a very similar experience, except that mine lasted for about a year, and he started pulling away after about 4 months. Then I discovered that he was cheating on me with other girls online (or so he said it was just online)…. my advice to you – follow your gut. If it’s not feeling right now, will it really feel right a year down the road? 10 years down the road?
Comment from KC
Time April 7, 2009 at 8:00 pm
My gut told me months ago that something wasn’t right. I wished I had listened to my intuition instead of trying to ignore it….
Comment from Melissa
Time April 7, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Carlie and all: I think the best strategy is to be loyal to YOURSELF first. I don’t mean screw over everyone else. I mean if you don’t look out for your best interests, no one else will. Adopt the attitude that loyalty must be EARNED, not indiscriminantly handed over to someone just cos you really want to be in a relationship. Time is really your best friend here.
And that’s another thing….Ladies, don’t be so quick to get into a relationship. IMO, no guy has the right to be totally certain of you until he asks you to be his wife and you agree.
So many women feel as if they are “nothing” if not with a man…any man, in some cases. They will drop their girlfriends, gym routines, and hobbies if the guy of the moment doesn’t like them.
Do you think that the guy isn’t taking note your willingness to hand over to life and emotional well being to him on a silver platter? What kind of message does this send? Men are more perceptive that we give them credit for alot of the time.
Carlie, I would tell him that YOU wish to keep your options open at this time, and date other men. (And you are doing it for yourself, not to force his hand or to get a reaction out of him). (After all, don’t you TRULY want to be with someone who demonstrates their desire to be with you over the duration of your time together?) If the shoe doesn’t fit, you find one that does, yes?
There is a saying: Less Is More. The less you say, the better. The important thing is Pro-Action on your part , so YOU feel empowered. I wouldn’t say anything about how you feel (do you really think it will help in the final analysis?). And don’t lament about his behavior, either. I’ll tell you, if there’s one thing guys notice, it’s distance that YOU put up. (IMPORTANT: With NO attitude…you’re only busy all of a sudden, not angry.) He doesn’t have the right to know what’s in your precious heart, so don’t make that information available. And don’t let his ego get in the way, and talk you out of seeing other men…tell him that “we’ll see how it goes”.
One thing that men LOVE in women is DIGNITY. They have to KNOW that if there comes a time that you have to choose between your self respect and being with him, cos of misbehavior on his part, that he will be the loser…no question.
I hope that this makes sense to you, Carlie and all…I wish you all the very best cos you DESERVE it!
Melissa
Comment from mmagnolia
Time April 7, 2009 at 11:06 pm
All Dears, ‘specially–Ms. alex!
N-e-v-e-r is *honesty* a “dumb move”, and never at an unfruitful moment. Think about deathbed wishes!
Honesty is a perennial, 2one’s Self!
Well: Open hearts; Sharpen senses!
Comment from jewel.
Time April 12, 2009 at 1:32 pm
I think the best advice here is to communicate. Everyone has different requirments and it’s not fair to put the pressure on anyone to be a mind reader.I know we hate to tell guys what we want because if makes us look demanding but thats the only way he will know and then that way he will have no excuse if you call him on anything…because you will have told him what you want
Comment from mmagnolia
Time April 14, 2009 at 3:31 pm
All Dears,
Footnote on “One thing that men LOVE in women is DIGNITY”:
Ideally, compassion, integrity, kindness, and even–diligence take the first seats.
Suspicious hearing of ‘dignity’ in women…..via menfolk. Easy 2grasp how *dignity* in a partner can ensure absence of foul temper [we know many menfolk like2avoid that!] but, sometimes, indignity masquerades as dignity!
On the “shoe” metaphor: Gotta test the whole foot 2find the shoe which fits; Same difference w/feelings in R’ships.
Got feelings + share ‘em = quickest path 2know [IF...one really wants 2know] if Messr. Prince = NearMiss or NearMate!
Comment from Melissa
Time April 14, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Hi Magnolia,
You said, “Ideally, compassion, integrity, kindness, and even-diligence take the first seats.”
NOT disagreeing that these qualities are, indeed, highly prized among quality people.
There are many other qualities that are highly revered, as well.
I confess I’m confused, though.
Are you saying that adopting dignified behavior is at odds with the above qualities??
Perhaps it boils down to semantics, so just for fun, I looked up the dictionary.com version of the word, rather than soley inserting my definition:
dig?ni?ty? ?/?d?gn?ti/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [dig-ni-tee] Show IPA
–noun, plural -ties.
1. bearing, conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity of an occasion or situation.
2. nobility or elevation of character; worthiness: dignity of sentiments.
3. elevated rank, office, station, etc.
4. relative standing; rank.
5. a sign or token of respect: an impertinent question unworthy of the dignity of an answer.
6. Archaic. a. person of high rank or title.
b. such persons collectively.
Having had quite a few men in my life who have treated me well – boyfriends, male friends, and most importantly…hubby of 21 years, I think I am qualified to offer my comments on this subject.
After all, we train people how to treat us.
Men are quick to open up to women they value, and reveal what they pride in their ladies. One thing I’ve heard over and over from the ‘stronger’ sex…they prize women who prize themselves…not from a position of being conceited, or above everyone else, rather refusing to put up with men’s BS, and quickly cutting ties with those who clearly don’t deserve them.
I’ve made a practice of sharing my feelings only with those who value them.
Clearly, Grrr’s boyfriend does not. Or if he does, he’s sure hiding it very well.
These are MY thoughts, and I appreciate you sharing yours.
All my best,
Melissa
Comment from mmagnolia
Time April 15, 2009 at 12:02 am
Dear Melissa+All Dears,
Short answer2: “Are you saying that adopting dignified behavior is at odds” is, of course, an Unqualified N-O!
Am Devoted 2theNotion that one should assume a virtue if one has it not!
MerciBouquets, Ms. Melissa, 4doing + sharing that *lookup*.
My point is+remains that dignity, by any definition, is a problematic *indignity* [1] when ‘adopted’ as mere ploy; OR [2] when a different mode of being would be a kinder mode 2offer an Other person.
My WholeHeart agrees on prizing and being prized. Ironic but, sometimes, The Beloveds [even family!] we strive to train re-Best Being… never graduate!
Lastly: Sharing what’s valuable Only with those who value valuables is a tricky ride!
Salute *Practice*, as our gallops allow!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time April 15, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Dear Melissa,
Oops…4Midnight haste!
Cheers 2Your Wonderful “21″, and…
…EverBlessed Anniversaries!
Comment from Melissa
Time April 15, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Thank you, Sweet Mmagnolia!
You are a very caring and thoughful soul – these qualities of yours ring as loud as a bell!
Thank you for the wonderful blessings. We just celebrated our anniversary on the first day of spring.
I agree with your statement that it can be hard to ‘re-train’ people in how to treat you. I had to let a long term friendship (22 years) go cos while I grew more more assertive about reinforcing my boundaries (never had problems doing that with men, but had a harder time doing that with girlfriends, go figure….) she became very resistant to me speaking my mind. I did speak with her about issues that bothered me, however, “she” never made mistakes…I was the one who “always took it the wrong way”. Nuff said, that’s not what Jeffs’ forum is for…this is just my long-winded way of saying that we’re on the same page.
And I want all of you wonderful ladies….. who have a ton of wonderful qualities to offer to DESERVING men to refuse to sell yourselves short.
Share the MOST PRECIOUS resources you have….that is, your HEART and TIME, with those who feel appreciative of receiving your feminine energy. Women on the whole don’t understand how feminine energy totally masculinizes men! They really are fed by it in many ways.
Ooops, there…I went and wrote a book again…I think I must not be capable of staying short & sweet.
Be good to yourselves,
Melissa
Comment from The Nerd
Time May 13, 2009 at 2:42 pm
This web page may have saved my sanity. I did a internet search for “how to make your man chase you” because after moving in with my boyfriend, he just stopped trying. (BTW, that “5 Reasons Never to Make Him Chase You” advice is the best ever.) It’s not like there are any problems: he’s sweet and tender, we had fun with his family on Mother’s Day, and there are no unresolved conflicts. He just is rather lazy in love. I have been more and more confused by this.
Now it makes sense! I’ve been worried about being sweet on him or initiating activities because of some ambiguous fear that he’d find that smothering. I thought there was something wrong with asking. I finally did the smart thing and finally flat-out asked him last night (what a concept!) if I was in fact smothering, and he said no, he loves all the affection and can’t get enough. Turns out that what I had been avoiding was the very thing I needed to do, and it’s a good thing to be honest and up-front about my desires.
So why is it that so many women (myself included) come to believe that they shouldn’t have to say anything? Why do we think that men only want passive participants in relationships for them to act upon? I sense the origins of this old myth lie in the Victorian mentality that women are supposed to be “pure” vessels, free of their own desires. I’m glad to see this straight-talk about relationships, to bring us all into the 21st Century. Keep up the good writing, manslations!
Comment from Melissa
Time May 13, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Hi “Nerd”.
I will be the first in line to congratulate you on doing the right thing.
You shared your honest feelings with someone who DESERVES to hear them.
You yourself said that he is Sweet and
Tender.
That there are NO conflicts.
He INCLUDES you in the important things in his life, his family.
And you are secure in his love for you.
(you said, “he is just rather lazy in love.”)
He also made a commitment by moving in with you.
You are indeed in a RELATIONSHIP with this man, not having the hallucination of being in one.
These are all indicitive of a man who obviously cares for you.
You KNOW where you stand, even if he’s not always demonstrative in the way you would like him to be.
All of this shows me that your situation is NOT the same as Grrr’s, whose boyfriend’s words belie his actions.
Big difference.
Ask Mac, who will always be the FIRST to tell you that when there’s incongruency between words and actions, follow the latter.
Best wishes to you!
Melissa
Comment from Sara
Time April 6, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I am in the same spot at the moment, only I came from a different direction. Boyfriend and I started out in weird circumstances, where I wanted in and he wasn’t sure at the time. Since I wanted him, I was the one trying to impress, so he’s never really had to jump hoops to get me.
Now he doesn’t know to do the little things, and I’m his first girlfriend. Yay. But the other day, I just up and told him I wanted more. I listed some of the things I do for him (not to make him feel guilty, but to make him aware of the little things I do as examples for what I want), and asked if I could have some of these things. I give him massages without him asking or make him dinner, or do my hair nicely. He still seems a bit confused as to when he should do these things, but he understands and didn’t intend to hurt me at all. He’s just a dense boy. =p
Good luck with your guy. He’s probably just innocently dumb with how to handle you. Speak up, girl!