What Was This Overthinking Dude Thinking?
A very young dater named Jessica is looking for a little manslation regarding a gentleman who “likes to play with girl’s heads.” You know, one of those ones that we in the business like to refer to as a “manipulative douchebag.” So what was he thinking?
Gosh, I almost wish she didn’t want to know. But I’m-a tell her.
hey jeff
i just broke up with my most recent boyfriend about 2 weeks ago. quite a traumatizing relationship. im 18 years of age and he’s 22. a lot of things had happened in our relationship, soap opera of 10 months.
but what i wanted to ask you. just before we broke up he said ‘i feel like you’ve cleaned my slate, of how I’ve treated girls in the past’. ok what you need to know is he likes to play with girls’ heads. so in general he’s one of those guys that think too much about relationship. he uses insecurity as an excuse to cheat etcetc. i don’t know why i took that bullshit but yea.
we broke up because he was leaving to japan
So…not because he uses “insecurity as an excuse to cheat, etcetc” eh? I mean, if he wasn’t going to Japan, all would be ok, right? (Please say, “wrong.”)
(coincidence that his ex that he cheated on me with was goign to study, and they ended up goign at the same time).
Wow, that really is a weird coincidence, isn’t it? Hey who knows, maybe when he was cheating on you, it was only a coincidence that his crotch happened to be at the exact same longtiude and latitude as hers. How’s that for irony, eh? Knocks the crap outta that whole “black fly in your chardonnay” thing.
anyway he always said that everything i did, all my actions affected him. that it was my fault that he did those things like go back to his ex etcetc.
Hahahaha!!! Oh man, I really hope a samurai shoves a katana up his ass over there in Japan. I don’t know if that kind of thing happens over there anymore. Or if it ever did. But if it ever does, oh, couldn’t happen to a nicer guy, I say.
im currently reading ur book and it says if a guy likes u he would also behave like he wants to spend more time with you. and my ex said that.
Just to be clear, “said” is NOT the same as “behave.” In fact, this is the exact reason why he has seemed in ANY way confusing to you. More in a sec.
he always said he wishes he could spend everyday with me etcetc.
That’s what I mean. You can say all kinds of stuff about how you wish you could spend your time doing one thing, but you can actually SPEND it, you know, humping other humans.
it’s quite complicated but maybe from that you could tell me what he was thinking the whole time…
cheers,
jessica
Dear Jessica,
Well, well, well, I think what we have here is a blatant misunderstanding of the Manslations Golden Rule. I basically spelled it out before, but for those of you playing the home game, say this with me, won’t you?
If there is ever a contradiction between what a man SAYS and what he DOES, always, always ignore what he says.
Doesn’t matter what a guy tells you if he’s doing the opposite. And there’s no better example of this than a guy like you describe, the guy who puts the ‘dick’ in contradiction. You said it yourself, he likes to play with girl’s heads. And his own, it seems.
Oh, I’m insecure, that’s why I cheat.
Oooh, somebody paid attention one day in psych 101! Real cute, dude.
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: In the interest of full disclosure, I never even TOOK psych 101. I went to school for theater, which…sigh…what’s sadder than that from an educational perspective?)
SO WHY DID HE CHEAT IF NOT THE INSECURITY, THEN?
Oh, I’m not saying he was mistaken. He is DEFINITELY insecure, and that IS why he cheats. In fact, that’s why he does all of that stuff. And if it’s any consolation, this guy is in for some major, major psychological angst. (Gosh, I know I’M looking forward to it.)
This guy’s life is no picnic, always trying desperately to manipulate women into liking him, since he’s pretty sure they won’t like him otherwise. He might get a rush of power by “tricking” the occasional womanfolk, but mostly, he’s running his little a-hole legs off, trying to keep one step ahead of the law, as it were.
These guys are looking for women who
- …will fall crazy in love with them, and…
- …are insecure enough themselves that they will put up with HIS ridiculous insecurities for a time.
- …and finally, when he dumps them, they’ll do him the courtesy of staying stuck on him for when he calls to check in. Which…he will.
Yep, after a while, poof. Off these guys go, looking to find a new safehouse. I mean, girlfriend.
Write this on your mirror, Jessica — DO NOT BE ONE OF THOSE WOMEN!
And truth be told, you probably aren’t one anymore. That’s why he’s no longer around. But seriously, if you find yourself with a guy who is pretty sure he is acting like a total bunghole because of YOU, well, let him head off to the Land of the Rising Sun with a glad heart, knowing that if there’s any justice, there’s a samurai sword with his ane’s name engraved on it in really pointy, uncomfortable Japanese characters.
Ever been with one of these princes, miladies? What ARE they thinking in there?
Posted: April 10th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Ali
Time April 10, 2009 at 8:41 am
OMG, I laughed so hard. Jeff, you are the “bestest”.
Now, to my comment…A guy/man can be insecure all he wants but DO NOT, I repeat. DO NOT bring your insecurities to me and make them my responsabilty. I think we all have our insecurities, but is just not fair to use them as excuses (lame ones btw). I say just be happy that he’s some poor asian chick’s problem & not yours anymore. And that he has a pointy thingy with his name on it like JM sooo eloquently stated.
Comment from T
Time April 10, 2009 at 8:57 am
Oh yes, yes, yes… sounds so totally familiar. Good for you for breakin’ it off. The keepin-it-broken-off part is the most difficult part of all…
Good luck.
Comment from Jewel
Time April 10, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Ok so he is insecure, and he cheats because he is, and you make him do all these bad things…. then maybe you whould leave him and let him be.This is just the lamest excuse I have event herad in my life. I don’t know you but you seem like a great girl,don’t let anyone even try to convince you that some of the wrong things that you do are your fault.That is just baloney.And also always remeber that actions speak louder than words
Comment from Liz C
Time April 10, 2009 at 4:53 pm
OK, best quote evah!
…the guy who puts the ‘dick’ in contradiction
Doesn’t get real-er than that, my friend.
Comment from Susan
Time April 10, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Jeffy, I’m thinking you’d want to whack this guy with that sword, if you had the chance. Well, I don’t mean “whack” whack, Sopranos-style, and you might not want to try the sword up that … part, but I loved the way you got all fired up just writing your response. Really, douches are bad for both sexes, aren’t they?!
Jessica, may the dating years ahead of you be filled with guys not in the least bit like this one. You deserve better!
Comment from KC
Time April 11, 2009 at 8:00 am
Interesting. That’s what my cheating ex said too… that he did it because he was “insecure”. Weird… I guess that’s just the easy way out. To make him feel less bad by blaming it on that?? Who knows…
Comment from LK
Time April 12, 2009 at 6:52 am
I unfortunately landed two of these in a row – the ex husband was so insecure that he blamed me for his having to have a “friend” – and that he could be friends with whomever he chose and if I couldn’t handle it this was my problem/issue/insecurity (despite being out with his “friend” on our anniversary, V-Day, etc). After we split, I met this same guy again…but ID’d it much faster the second time. #2 still calls and emails to this day, even though he gets no response.
THUS the lesson was well learned. Have now found Mr. Wonderful…who isn’t sure he loves me yet, but treats me a million times better than any guy who proclaimed to love me in my past. And, he often says, he doesn’t want me to change – not a bit – because he likes me just the way I am. Holy Psychology 101 Batman!
There ARE great guys out there, Jessica. And the dirtbags come in to our world so we can fully appreciate Mr. Wonderful’s greatness when we find ourselves with one of these very adoring, sweet and kind men. The trick to the douchebag thing is to rid yourself of them pronto, completely, and don’t look back so you can be open-armed ready for the right guy.
Comment from Melissa
Time April 13, 2009 at 9:07 pm
We have 4 responsibilities:
1. The responsibility of our thoughts.
2. The responsibility of our emotions.
3. The responsibility of our speech.
4. The responsibility of our behavior.
This guys needs lessons in all 4 areas.
‘Nuff said.
Comment from Renee
Time April 14, 2009 at 11:55 am
I was with a guy just like this. About a year and a half ago I left him, because he got so insecure one night he decided to punch me in the face. He has more than just insecurity issues. Anyway…it takes a long time for these guys to go away.
He called me LAST WEEK and left a message on my voicemail that said this: blah blah blah, “You’re so awesome, but you suck, but you’re more awesome than you suck. I miss you, but not really, but I do, a little bit” and I’m not even kidding.
Jessica, Let Him Go! Please! for the love of all womankind. Let him Go!
Comment from Melissa
Time April 14, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Renee,
If this guy actually punched you in the face, it may be wise to get a restraining order…too often, this (mis)behavior is a prelude to something even more serious in the future.
Evidentally, he feels entitled to ignore the fact that you want NOTHING to do with him!
I get concerned when I hear about these happennings, sp please take care, okay?
Melissa
Comment from Lana
Time April 29, 2009 at 11:32 pm
Tell you what – I’ve experienced something similar to this recently (as I’m sure all women have…oh yeah, men too). This dude is definitely insecure…perhaps he suffers from post traumatic nerd/fat kid syndrome? Bottom line: Jeff is right; he’s going to hop from one girl to another (whatever his MO is – hot chicks, needy chicks, etc), to get his ego stroked, and then he’ll move on when he has something else lined up (oh yes, he will always keep his options open so that he can have girls lined up…because if he’s that insecure, he needs validation frequently). He will either realize this self-destructive and hurtful behavior as he matures or he never will…which in any case, the best thing for you is to learn from it, avoid guys like him, and find happiness (with whomever or wherever that may be). Once he sees you’ve truly moved on, he may lash out (because insecure guys are defensive) but ignore it and focus on living well!
Comment from Selena
Time April 10, 2009 at 7:45 am
Sounds like he enjoys conquests to me. Who cares if he’s insecure or not – he’s dishonest. Isn’t that all you need to know?