Taking Nooky Off the Table
A reader named Tammie is currently on the market for some “how do you do, madam” and is getting more of the old “how’s about dropping trou, milady?” She’s looking for ways to get more o’ the former and less o’ the latter.
I am 44 years old and I have just started dating recently, I have been using the internet and other mediums as tools to expand my dating experience.
What a nice way to put that. Kind of like saying, “I’ve been spending a lot of time at the DMV to expand my people interaction experience.” You’re a brave, brave woman, Tammie. Never stop giving yourself credit for that, ok?
My question is …How not to waste my time or his on the men that doesn’t want to explore possibilities on building a healthy relationship. I am not talking marriage, more like a healthy natural progression on a relationship.
I get men telling “We’re adults here and let’s get it on”…. More or less.
Well, for the record, I just hope that they’re right about the part where you’re both adults. If not, I’m told that there can be legal issues, LifeTime movies, etc.
I want to get to know someone before my panties are hanging on the ceiling fan in the bedroom.
Whoa. I got MARRIED before anybody’s panties were anywhere near the ceiling fan. Though in our case that might have more to do with how filthy the ceiling fan is. You put your panties on that thing, and you pretty much want to put ‘em right into a hazmat container afterwards, would be my guess.
I don’t want to go mock speed.
I think you probably meant “mach” speed. (“Mock speed” is the rate at which the slow-assed people in front of me in the subway are traveling. They putter, ergo I mock.)
I tell them that I am interested in knowing someone better and I am old fashion. They tell me things have changed and I need to evolve… my question is, into what a walking cesspool…
No, no, the cesspool is where we came from before monkeys. I think we evolve into…uh…what were the lyrics to that song, “In the Year 2525″ again?
Seriously, have things changed that much that I have to be on Girls gone Wild?… lol I would like your advice on what I should tell them so it’s clear that I am interested in sex but with the right person… not right now on the restaurant table.
Dear Tammie,
Well, here’s what I’d say. It’s not going to be tough to TELL guys this, the tough part is just getting ready for what will happen when you do.
BE PREPARED
At least that’s what the Boyscouts kept telling me when I was a member for about 5 meetings before I realized that I could be bored without even leaving comfort of my own home. The thing is, telling a guy JUST what you’re telling these guys is not a problem if it’s the right type of guy.
However, as you have learned, you’re going to run into…you know…the other type of guy. And I’m not even saying that these guys are bad guys. Why? Just because they want to hump you? Nah, they’re fine. The point is, so are YOU with your LACK of wanting to just jump into the sack. Nobody’s doing anything bad, it’s just that the right folks aren’t finding each other in time to keep the pantaloons off of the ceiling-based whirligig.
PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE
You know what I’d do if I were you? During the very early stages of the “getting to know you” phase, bring up exactly what’s been happening for you. Maybe even right there on your Internet profile.
“I’m tired of all of these guys who just want to place my underpants onto the cooling equipment. I’m looking for someone who wants to get to know me, and who I want to know better.”
Or whatever. Something cute and charming. No need to be pissy — write it as if you’re commiserating with the RIGHT guy about all those morons out there. Do that, and maybe that guy will respond.
The point is this, Tammie. The biggest danger is that you’re going to keep a lot of guys from contacting you. However, you can be reasonably sure that the reason they’re not contacting you is that they wanted sex faster than you do. Better that the preventable guys DON’T contact you, in my book.
(Oh, by the way, you can BUY my book right here at Amazon.com. Just saying.)
What do you think, ladies? How should she weed out these folks?
Posted: April 13th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Melissa
Time April 13, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I find it interesting that males will tell you, “C’mon, we’re adults here….” In my book (no, I don’t have any published, like our friend Jeff Mac) adults don’t pressure eachother….so these males are acting like boys. If they try to come off as if it’s the norm these days, don’t fall for it…tell them that they should have no problem finding a girl to hop in the sack with, if that’s their only goal. Tell them to go to the local bar. Then leave. You have better things to do than hang out with inferior males.
You do NOT need to justify your value system. Men know that higher calibre women don’t offer themselves to every Tom, Dick, and Harry who wants to have sex with them. You just tell them, “this is how I’m wired. If this presents a problem, better that we know now.” NO apologies or explanations necessary. There will be men who resent this cos they feel that we as women hold the power card. (sex).
I go along with Anne’s suggestion to just get up and leave if they become too obnoxious about it. Don’t feel obligated just cos they invite you out. It’s up to him to behave in such a manner that compels you to WANT to be around him. (Hint: men are far from stupid , and know this.)
They know when they’re being jerks.
Jeff has a good suggestion. Perhaps your internet dating profile can say something along the lines of “I’m open to meeting classy men who are sophisticated enough to realize that being with a good woman is an experience to be savored….just like the finest wines.” Using your verbiage, of course. This will alert the bumpers and runners that you are out of their league….do not pass go.
Hang in there, Tammie, there are alot of wonderful men out there who are looking to treat the right woman like a queen, so never compromise your standards, ever.
Comment from LA Lady
Time April 13, 2009 at 1:38 pm
I remember back in the 90’s when you could meet nice guys that acted like gentlemen from the internet dating sites. Now it is a completely different story. My experience mirrors Tammie’s and it is very frustrating. I think the anonimity of the internet has created guys that are ONLY looking for SEX. I figure it is best to know where their head is early in the game so you can follow AnneZ’s advice and walk away.
Comment from Sassy
Time April 13, 2009 at 5:54 pm
These guys were ALWAYS around; the Internet just now makes it easier to run into them!
The best way to get rid of these guys is the Delete key. From my Internet dating experience (almost all good!), these guys tend to show themselves early. Don’t take the bait. Move on.
And, while I’m sure your online profile is good, just take a look at your photos. I’ve seen some that girls think are fine and guys interpret as “whoo hoo!”
I’m also remembering the old line Moms used to teach daughters: “I’m not that kind of girl.” Worked then, can work now!
Don’t give up on the dating! There are lots of nice guys out there. It may just take a little longer to find them. Good luck
Comment from LK
Time April 14, 2009 at 6:56 am
Gee, Tammie – I had the same issue with internet dating. And the few I ran into that DIDN’T want to hop into bed were still actively in love with their ex’s and spent the evening discussing someone else.
And, I found, that despite adding stuff to your profile, it was ignored if your picture is a nice one and the age was in the ballpark.
That being said, I did meet some very interesting men (and some that weren’t so interesting). All of the meetings helped me determine what I wanted/didn’t want in a relationship, which ended up falling from the sky into my lap. And I now couldn’t be happier.
Don’t compromise yourself, but as the other ladies indicate, the whole sex right now thing is rather funny and writing it all off might cause you to miss out on some interesting moments.
As for the dating sites, just get to know them a bit before allowing dates to begin with. You can weed a few out that way, too.
Good luck!!
Comment from Tammie
Time April 14, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Hello… It’s Tammie =) after lMAO… There is a lot of great advice. I enjoy all types of men as long as the respect my boundaries… lol To be honest I am enjoying learning about the new age men… they perk my curiosity… Though I did dig the caveman dating rituals lol Thanks to all for your responses… I am sure I will have more questions for Mac since the new age men don’t come with manuals. Love the site and I will be purchasing your book.
Comment from AnneZ
Time April 13, 2009 at 9:09 am
Well, Tammie can rest assured nothing’s changed. I think this line may have been fresh in the Pleistocene Era. Certainly no later than that.
When a guy starts acting like that, just wish him well and get up and leave. Need more details? “We aren’t in the same place. Let’s not waste any more time. Thanks for coming out tonight, but I think we’d both be better off if we don’t even order.”
You don’t have to be pissy about it. Just laugh it off, like you both just found out you got on the plane to Omaha when you distinctly told the gate agent you wanted Albuquerque. These things happen. Oh well.
Now, there’s a high probability HE will get pissy. Don’t fall for it. He’s already revealed his true colors. Just repeat, “I wish you well, this really is NOT going to work for me. Bye!” Pick up your keys and go, don’t look back.
Believe me, none of this is new.