All She Wanted Was for Him to “Fight for her?”
A reader named Kate dumped her man. Twice-ish. He doesn’t really want to come back for another round (she doesn’t say why, but I have to assume that it’s because he’s less of a moron than I usually am.) She’s trying to figure out where it all when wrong. Let’s find out.
My boyfriend and I of a year broke up about a month ago, I was the one who did it because I tried telling him how I felt and he completely wrote me off, didn’t speak to me for a day because I made him mad, I broke up with him that night because I wanted him to fight for me and in his eyes he said I “dropped” him again and it would be our second time breaking up both times I did it.
Wait. You broke up, didn’t talk for a day, and then broke up again? Ok, I…think I get it. Kinda. But the part that sticks out is the, “I wanted him to fight for me.” Oh, Kate, that’s not a great reason to dump somebody, lemme tell you. More in a bit.
we went through a very love/hate not talking to each other phase until last night I went over his house just to speak to him he doesn’t understand where I was coming from and I was trying to explain and hes so sarcastic and blunt person it kinda hurts sometimes anyway, his sarcasm kicked in and we both laughed again and we just looked at each other and kissed and held each other nothing more but then the fact remains were still broken up and I asked him what this meant and he said he doesn’t know what he wants he doesn’t want to give me the opportunity to break his heart for the 3rd time, he is going through a rough time now and from what I know there isnt another girl.
Not to be Conan the Grammarian here, but I mean…why put those two commas in there at all…is all I’m saying.
but I’m just gonna give him space, what would he doesn’t know what he wants mean? I will always love this boy, I just wanted him to listen and fight for me.
Dear Kate,
Ok Kate, here’s a quick news item item of which you might want to take note:
BREAKING NEWS: WHEN YOU DUMP SOMEONE, THEY FEEL DUMPED
I know. Weird, right?
You really can’t be playing with people’s emotions like that, dumping them to try to use that as leverage to get them to change behavior that you don’t like. I’ll give you a metaphor here. If you went into your job and your boss fired you, would your first reaction be, “Gosh…I gotta come in early tomorrow and work really hard!”
Or whatever it is that people think when they want to be better at their job. (I’ve never been much of a “hard worker.” I’m medically lazy, ok? It’s a condition.)
SO WHAT DOES HE MEAN?
He says two things to you:
- I’m not sure what I want, and
- I don’t want to give you the opportunity to break my heart for the 3rd time.
Manslation? Err…seems like this one’s kind of a “face value” sort of thing. When he says he’s not sure what he wants, my guess is that he’s probably a little ambivalent. On the one hand, he likes you as much as he did (however much that was). On the other hand, you’ve dumped him a couple of times. Recently.
It seems pretty clear to me that he’s at least still on the fence about giving it another shot. It does NOT seem like he’s thinking, “Ok, she dumped me. I gotta be a better boyfriend!”
If you want him to do that, in my opinion, you’re going to have to throw him a bone here.
EXPLAIN YOURSELF, WOMAN!
Ok, your ploy to get him to fight for you was a total bust, Kate. So acknowledge it. Initiate a conversation about this. Tell him exactly what you were TRYING to do. Right now, your relationship isn’t heading anywhere fantastic anyway, so you’ve got nothing to lose by utilizing a little something that I like to call “resorting to the truth.”
I know, I know. Ick. Telling him what you want him to know? Bleah. You just want him to know to fight for you and to listen to you and all of it. Sure. Of course you do. And I’m sure he just wanted you NOT to dump him. Right now it’s not working out for anybody.
Tell him something along the lines of, “Look, when I said/did XYZ, what I was trying to do was XYZ. Obviously that wasn’t the way to go about it. What I was trying to do, though, was…”
If he hasn’t figured it out yet, don’t assume he’s going to. Space isn’t really necessary here, it seems. What is necessary here is an open line of communication between you. You’ve put a bit of a dent in that by, you know, dumping him. Let him know that you KNOW what you did, and ask if he’d be willing to move past it. That’s what I say, anyway.
What do YOU say, ladies? What’s this guy saying?
Posted: April 15th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Jojo
Time April 15, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Why oh why do some women feel like they have to make some sort of obstacle course out of love? Like, they keep setting tests and tricks to see if the man in their life will ‘pass’ and therefore ‘earn them’?? How about this: if you love him Stop Dumping Him! If there is something wrong in the relationship (which I assume there is or you wouldn’t have felt the need to ditch him in the first place) you could always, like, tell him until he gets it!
Jeff/all other guys reading this site; just so you know not all women out there play mind games with their fellas like this. With my guy, we met, we flirted, we acknowledged mutual interest, we dated. Simple! And when something is wrong we tell each other, listen, then try to fix it. Why is this all so hard?
Comment from KC
Time April 16, 2009 at 7:28 am
Kate – I totally have been there. However, what I’ve learned is that if you’re feeling like you want some one to “fight for you” (story of my life!) it’s usually an indication that the person’s just not the right match for you. They’re not able to give you something that you quite obviuolsy need. If I were you, and believe me – I’ve been there, you can save a lot of time and move on, with the hopes of finding that guy who loves you the way you need to be loved. I ended up waisting a ton of time back and forth with the guy before I realized that he was just never going to be the guy I wanted him to be. In the end, if it’s not working now, this early in my relationship(1 yr) is it really going to be working 5 years down the road? 10 years?
Comment from Judy
Time April 16, 2009 at 7:53 am
Um, people? I think it’s pretty clear we’re dealing with a very, very young person here, and drama what young people do best. Let’s just hope that she grows up a bit with time, and isn’t one of those women who carry this behavior through to so-called adulthood. Yes, we all know women (and men) who do, but I think from the tone of the letter, this is someone young.
And, with great compassion, may I say that I do hope she learns to use punctuation?
Comment from Ali
Time April 16, 2009 at 9:37 am
Obviously this is someone young… and this also just the beginning of her “confusion” with men (poor thing!), nevertheless, we grown-up women also go thru this drama. Even with all the confidence in the world, men still make us doubt our self worth and therefore we feel the need for them to fight/work for us. I’ve been there, done that. It sucks. But then we move on and find a man that will put an effort into the relationship everyday. We might have to tell/remind them of it everyday as well. I know it sucks for us to be telling them but communication is the key and the only thing that will make any relationship work.
Comment from Lauren
Time April 16, 2009 at 10:36 am
You know that old adage that goes, “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s meant to be.” Yeah that’s pretty much a load of crap. If you love someone, hang on to them!
What does all this “fight for me” stuff really mean anyway? Fight some jerk for making you cry? Fight YOU until you realize you should take him back? Fight a dragon? Hang outside your house with a boom box blasting Peter Gabriel? I think it’s another one of those meaningless phrases that we just accept because it’s in movies and fairy tales.
And Kate hon, punctuation is your friend. I was out of breath by the time I finished reading your question.
Comment from Nay
Time April 16, 2009 at 11:12 am
Ladies, Kate may be young, but it doesn’t mean her hurt feelings are any less painful…In fact, probably more so, because she hasn’t had the practice in dealing with them! But I can tell you with all honesty, at 28 years old, I was still waiting for my man to ‘fight for me’. And I used those exact words. What I was failing to see was that I wasn’t giving him a REASON to fight for me! I wasn’t pleasant to be around. I yelled at him and nagged at him when he didn’t do what I thought he should. He had it in his head that he could do whatever he wanted and I would never leave him (he actually said that to me…as I was breaking up with him!)
Now, I’m in a relationship with my new fella, and he’s wonderful! I feel LUCKY to have him! But what’s more important, HE feels lucky to have ME. It makes us BOTH work on keeping the other happy!
It sounds like you’re feeling neglected by your sweetheart, and in turn it’s making you feel rejected. But really what it comes down to is he’s just not the right guy for you. You could force it in to place, but why draw out the inevitable? He’s not the man you’re going to spend the rest of your life HAPPY with, so why not move on and fine the one you will?
(And Lauren, you KNOW every woman is waiting for the ‘Say Anything’ moment to happen… 
)
Comment from Lauren
Time April 16, 2009 at 11:45 am
True, true… Damn you, John Cusack! Why are you so lovable?
Comment from Jewel
Time April 16, 2009 at 2:49 pm
For once I think this situation is one of the most straight forward in the books.There is no hidden meaning in his statement.I feel like for once the manslator may not be necessary.On the other hand I think you need to review your communication methods.There are better ways to send your message accross than giving him the boot because you stand the chance of losing him forever and considering that is not your intention that would be unfortunate.I find that as girsl we exoect guys to figure out things and we do one thing to imply the other and its unfair on their part.If he means alot to you and you want to keep the relationship just be honest and straight forward.It will save you alot
Comment from KC
Time April 16, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Nay – I agree with you 100%!
Comment from Hannah
Time April 21, 2009 at 11:40 am
I just thought I’d add my two cents. I was in what sounds like a very similar situation half a year ago. I loved the guy, and I’m pretty sure he loved me, but I felt like he wasn’t really listening to me or standing by me like I needed him to be. I came very close to breaking up with him a few times because of it. We argued off and on for a few months over that.
The communication was the hurdle we couldn’t cross. I tried to be clear and forthright, but I guess that’s where the “not listening” comes in.
Eventually, having thought it out (i.e. that if it hasn’t changed by now, and with all the arguments about it, wasn’t going to change), so I let him go. It hurt really bad, and I know his heart was broken, too.
I hope you have better luck, Kate. All I can say is do your best to be open with him, and if he can’t give you what you need, you need to let him go, even though it hurts.
Comment from Tanya
Time April 22, 2009 at 11:34 pm
I once had an on-again-off-again relationship with a boy that lasted about a year. Within that year, he dumped me three times – yes, you read correctly, three times. It was my naive idea of love that made me take that boy back many times. In the first two break ups, he whined that I only fought for him for a mere five minutes, sounds familiar to your power-manipulative tactic. At the end of the day, us “dumpees” have our pride and dignity to hold on to, in addition to our sanity, or whatever is left of it. Possibly, just possibly, your man may be ariving at the idea that if you truly loved him, you would know better than to abandon him – twice, that you would love him enough to not hurt him this way… possibly one of the deepest hurts, ending the relationship. If anything, I now look back on my relationship with this boy and now have doubts that he truly cared for and loved me. Perhaps he is also going through this thought process and trying to weigh his options, either try the relationship again with someone he knows full well has the ability to hurt him, over and over, or try a relationship with someone else who has yet to hurt him. So, what do you think? Which is the better evil?
Comment from Selena
Time April 24, 2009 at 5:11 pm
I agree with Tanya’s point: if someone dumps you repeatedly you are going to question whether they really love you.
And the corollary? If you are willing to dump someone repeatedly, how much do you love them – really?
Comment from Maevey
Time April 26, 2009 at 10:11 pm
“Not to be Conan the Grammarian here, but I mean…why put those two commas in there at all…is all I’m saying.”
ROFL! I was so thinking it before I got to your comments Jeff.
Comment from Selena
Time April 15, 2009 at 7:21 pm
What’s this guy saying?
Probably “I’m done with your drama.”
Or at least that’s what *I* would be saying if someone dumped me twice and then was ticked off because I didn’t “fight” for them. Sheesh.