Will a Guy Go THAT Far For Some Action? (Hint: Yes.)
Debbie just met a guy who lives far away. He’s hitting the gas pretty hard on moving forward, and she’s wondering — would a guy really go through all of THAT just to get some tail? In fact, Debbie’s asking the wrong question. Lemme ‘splain. First, her question:
I have read your book and all of the “archives”.
Yeah, I guess that word, “archives,” deserves those quotes around it doesn’t it? I mean…it’s not like they’re written on parchment in catacombs or something. Ohhh, I wish, though. God, what I wouldn’t give for a good catacomb in my life. Ah well…
I am pretty sure that I have the answer to #1 of your questions (re: sex) but #2 is too soon to tell.
Debbie is referring to the Two Big Manslations Questions (as seen right there in chapter uno of The Aforementioned Awesome Book by Yours Truly: Manslations.)
For you new folken, here are the two questions to understanding how a man feels about you. Given his behavior, might he THINK..
- …that this behavior might get him laid?
- …that this behavior might integrate him further into your life — i.e. more NON-sex time?
You gotta know the answer to both, or you don’t know anything. Yes, even if the answer to number one is, “a wicked muchly lot.”
Here goes: met a guy through a mutual friend. Had a drink, laughed, etc. only for about an hour. He lives out of state. Every day since we met, he has sent text messages, called, sent e-mails, sent flowers and is offering to fly me out for a visit.
Will a guy go to these great lengths JUST for sex? I am not looking for anything more at this point (i.e. serious relationship) I am just curious. Most guys don’t put this much effort into it.
Dear Debbie,
Debbie, Debbie, Debbie. Haven’t you read “The Iliad“? Guys will do all KINDS of stuff for sex. Oh sure, I know, that one was about love, right? Yeah, whatever. Paris was horny, he got all excited, and soon enough there were horses just packed to the gills with Greeks looking to stab folks. Do you really want any part of that?
What were we talking about? Oh, right. Hi. Ok, moving on.
JUST-ice
Also, you ask if he’ll go to these lengths “just” for sex. Just? For some guys — SOME guys, I’m saying — that would be like saying, “I mean, would a guy pour water over his head just because he was on fire?”
The question that you ask isn’t the one you need to ask, Debbie. You’re asking if “a guy” will do this. The answer to that is most certainly yes.
The real question is, will THIS guy? And for that, as you have so astutely pointed out, we do not know for sure.
THE TROUBLE WITH DISTANCE
The thing about this guy’s total lack of proximity to your face is this: you usually can’t know very much about his intentions from afar. Why not? Well, right there in that same chapter of my book, I talk about the Manslations Golden Rule, which of course is:
If there is ever a conflict between what a man says and what he does, always, always ignore what he says.
BUT…BUT THERE IS NO CONFLICT!
Are you sure? How would you know? When you’re far away, all you’ve GOT is what he says. You don’t know WHAT he’s doing. And without much behavior, we can’t get a read.
BUT THE FLOWERS! THE EMAILS! ETCETERA!
The other problem with distance is that it’s really easy for us to fool ourselves into thinking whatever the hell we want about someone, given that they’re not around to, you know, totally screw up our fantasy version of them. He could be doing that about you, and getting all romantical. You could be doing that about him, believing things that…well, it’s not all that hard to fake this stuff. I mean…someone can call a florist without actually falling in love with someone can’t they?
Am I saying that this guy is all about the sex? Or is he deluded into thinking that he likes you, but really he just wants to bang you?
Not at all. All I’m saying is, we can’t know yet.
Here’s the thing, Debbie. If I had to guess, I’d say that what we know is that he is likely at least entertaining the idea of more than sex. And truth be told, he might not know what his intentions are, himself . You’re on his mind, that’s for sure. He’s clearly attracted to you in SOME way. But it’s going to take more behavior — real, in-person behavior — for you to know for sure.
Good luck!
What do you think Debbie’s far-away-man is all about, ladies?
Posted: April 20th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from LK
Time April 20, 2009 at 11:56 am
Debbie! If you aren’t looking for something more, and can address that very honestly with him, I think you will get your answer. He will either withdraw the offer of a visit with him OR will send a ticket on the Space Shuttle to get you to his locale ASAP!
If you’re interested in a romp, let him know. You will find out very quickly what his intentions are!
Good Luck!
LK
Comment from Amber
Time April 20, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Watch out for the over-eager types though. Even if you just want sex, he could be a bit crazy, clingy, pushy- and you’re stuck with him for a couple days if you arrange a visit. I’m always wary of the ones who jump off the deep end too early.
Comment from cc
Time April 21, 2009 at 3:07 am
oh my goodness, the line “Or is he deluded into thinking that he likes you, but really he just wants to bang you?” is so so relevent right now!
i have a friend that does just that!
he’s not a bad guy, and he doesn’t LIE per se, he just has no idea what he feels and tells pretty much every girl that he’s fallen for them, because he’s a child. He thinks desire is the same thing.
And he, like this guy, is incredible at courting. He says the most amazing things, buys gifts, drives you home (shutup, i’m 21, that’s a big deal, ok?).
But he’s in love with the *idea*. not the reality.
Comment from cc
Time April 21, 2009 at 3:08 am
shit. spelt “relevant” wrong. that sucks.
Comment from QTMama
Time April 21, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Well, it’s my belief that if a guy is into you, really truly into you, he does these things. He calls, he phones, he asks you out even if he’s NOT in the same state. I do think Jeff has a point though, it’s sort of a guy-by-guy situation, however. Maybe it’s just for sex. Or maybe Debbie is an awesome chick and he recognizes that. Either way, if she’s just looking for sex, this is a good opportunity to get some. 
Comment from strawhat
Time April 21, 2009 at 4:33 pm
just make sure you do not have to rely on him for anything,because you don’t know him and may need a fast get away
Comment from Shelby
Time April 23, 2009 at 10:30 am
It’s MY opinion that YES a guy (especially a guy with $$$) will do just the above to get laid. And he probably flies gals out all the time just for that. I have an ex-husband whom is a millionaire and yes, he sends girls flowers from TN or NC, sends cards, FedEx’s jewelry–anything to get laid. He thinks money will buy him anything and he buys it. Women. It’s as simple as that. He used to have this same M.O. with ALL women until he married me in 2000. (We’re divorced now and I’m with someone whom is NORMAL now, thank heavens.) And he continued to do it and this is why we’re divorced, but that’s another story. He and his friends were all the same. They had collections of women. They’d treat them like gold for a spell then get what they wanted and move on. The woman who received the attention depended upon where his business took him at the time. Basically, the idea is already in your head that he wants only sex and is not really into you. This should be a red flag. I’m not saying that if a guy is treating you as nicely as this that he isn’t really into you, though; just watch for signs that he may have this same M.O. with other women.
Comment from Selena
Time April 25, 2009 at 8:44 am
If you are not looking for something serious, what does it matter if he’s only doing all this wooing for sex? Why not take him up on his offer of a visit and have a fun fling? I’m not getting why this is a problem.
I’d make sure you checked into a hotel though and had a back up plan for transportation in case it turns out he’s creepy or something. After all, you only met him for an hour, so you would need to take all precautions possible to ensure your safety.
Comment from gina
Time September 10, 2009 at 9:39 am
It happened to me. An old friend came to visit from abroad for a weekend. There was some intense flirting going on beforehand, and I was naive enough to believe that he wouldn’t have come just for sex from that far. But he did ! Before he left, he told me he never wanted a relationship, just have some fun !
So ladies, beware, some guys are real horny, and it doesn’t matter if you live far away…
Comment from Tara
Time April 20, 2009 at 11:43 am
I’m so glad Debbie wrote about this! I have a similar situation where I met a guy a year and a half ago. We went out to dinner (which he didn’t pay for mine) and we ended up spending the whole weekend together and fooling around (not sex).
He ended up having a girlfriend for about a year but would still call me every three months or so. He broke up with the girlfriend in January and has been calling me every week since then. I’m actually going out to visit him in a couple weeks (I’m visiting other people and have a meeting in the area, also) but I have no idea what his intentions are.
I want to know what Debbie plans on doing when she does end up seeing the guy again.
I think that the guy I’m talking about does expect some action but I think he expects it from not just me. I don’t plan on doing anything because I want to be sure he isn’t using me or disrespectful. I’d rather have just a good friendship than be used. I don’t know if that’s right, though. I need to read the book!