Is There Ever a Reason for a Guy to Turn DOWN Sex?
Here’s a request that likely got my attention, at least in part, due to what I sincerely hope is a pen-name. Our gentle reader, Harlot McSlutlot, asks…is there EVER a reason for a guy to turn down sex…MID-sex??? The answer might not be what you think…
Is there ever a reason for a guy to turn down sex?
I mean like, mid-make-out, literally mid-unbutton of pants? Sparing the fact that I don’t look/smell like shit and am not packing a wooly bear down there?
(Ha. As if even THAT stuff would stop some guys. As I’ve related before, I know a guy who routinely felt under a certain insane woman’s pillow for WEAPONS before sleeping with her.)
So, is he gay, did he have whiskey dick (though I feel like most guys would give it a go even if they couldn’t perform), or is he in love with someone else, or possibly something I can’t think of. Do guys ever just “not feel it”?
I know he has had sex with women before, but I don’t know how much or how often. I did like this guy, but considering he stopped, I kind of figured I wasn’t going to get that far if he stopped the sex.
This is just baffling, even to my guy friends. Is there a scenario in which it’s not because he is gay?
Thanks, ‘preciate it.
Dear Harlot McSlutlot,
Well, let’s go through your incredibly thorough set of possible diagnoses, with an eye toward Occam’s Razor — is it the simplest solution?
- GAY? Mm…I suppose it’s theoretically possible. I’m sure that happens sometimes, a guy is trying to work up to not being gay, decides to give a gal a go, and then at the moment of truth, he can’t bring himself to switch teams. But I bet this doesn’t happen a WHOLE lot. Certainly not THE simplest solution.
- WHISKEY DICK? Meh. I agree with your assessment here. If a guy is trying for some action, my guess is that he’s going to keep on trying. It’s possible that a guy would get embarrassed and bail out before you saw how up-to-the-task he wasn’t. I’m sure it happens, but if it doesn’t ring true to you, it doesn’t ring true to me.
- IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE? Totally possible. It is 100% possible for a guy to be incredibly attracted to someone who isn’t his person, he foolishly lets himself get headed toward sexyville with said someone, and then at the last second he mentally slaps himself silly to stop himself.
- JUST “NOT FEEL IT.”? Oh sure, but not so likely right in the middle. If a guy doesn’t really want to have sex, he usually knows that WAY ahead of time. Long before he got to the deed itself. Not the simplest one.
Is that it? Is it one of these? “In Love With Someone Else” is the leading contender of your guesses. Let me add another possibility:
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS OUT…SEX PULLED!ME!BACK!IN!!
Here’s something that I remember from my single days. If a guy believes that having sex with you will result in YOU being attached to HIM, and he already knows he doesn’t want to deal with that, he might actually bail out on 100% available sex, simply to avoid putting himself into that position later.
Now, granted, he will regret this later. “What the holy hell was I THINKING? I mean, is it THAT hard to deal with after-sex attachment!? I could have totally done her!” Yeah, if this is the reason, he will be calling himself an a-hole about that night for years to come. But it does happen. Especially to young guys who are just hitting maturity, and just realizing that sex has consequences.
I’m not sure exactly what the reason is, Harlot McSlutlot (god, I love that name.) But the reasons a guy would turn sex down in the moment are usually about his brain putting in a heroic effort to stop Something Bad from happening. Could be to stop himself from cheating, could just be that he knows he doesn’t want anything afterward and doesn’t want to lead you on. Whatever it is. But yes, it is possible.
Any experience here, ladies? Ever had a guy stop in the middle? Why’d he do it?
Posted: April 22nd, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from MAUEEN
Time April 22, 2009 at 9:35 am
Dearest Harlot, it is very easy to take this kind of “rejection” of sex with you personally and i think that was probably your first painful reaction. I doubt very much it was you. He was attracted to you enough in the first place to initiate or reciprocate sexual attentions and make out with you ..you were still the exact same girl when he decided to stop(unless you suddenly morphed into something ugly and smelly) so it was def not you. It was something inside him as Jeff pointed out that you have no control over. Anne Z (who’s comments I absolutley love every time) hit it bang on head. The answer is probably around close by in the context. Or you could just ask him. Actually asking him will be useless because I don’t think you will get the truth, somehow. Use your gut feeling, some intuition. I think Jeff’s guess about with someone else is right. Remember, you are hot enough to go get ‘em.
Comment from Liz C
Time April 22, 2009 at 12:56 pm
I am kind of impressed by the guy. I don’t know too many dudes who would actually listen to their big brain and punch out mid-un-button.
You may never really know why, but do know it’s not about you.
Comment from Mel D
Time April 22, 2009 at 4:24 pm
I agree with AnneZ, we need more information. That being said, guilt sounds like a major factor here, and it was probably good for both of you that he stopped. But it would be nice if he had said so.
On another note, all you posters out there, I saw an episode of Ellen with Steve Harvey. Good ole Steve has written a book similar to our manslator. Since I know how long Manslations has been around, I say we show some support to our fave guy and email Ellen about him. I bet Ellen would have him on the show if we all let her know. What do you all think about that?
Comment from AnneZ
Time April 22, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Mel,
It’s excellent. In fact, seeing’s how our Mac is a standup guy (pun intended, har de har har!), she should have a faceoff between Harvey and Mac.
Love Guys Smackdown!
Smackdown of the Love Guys?
I’m not sure it sounds any better, but I’m making myself laugh thinking how Jeff will like that! But we can’t call it Manslator Smackdown because THERE’S ONLY ONE MANSLATOR!
(and, pish tosh, I blush, thanks for the kind words all!)
Comment from Jewel
Time April 22, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Do not beat yourself about this.I know that we always think that men are physical beings and if he doesn’t fall through that there is something wrong with you.That is not the case.Just know that one thing os for sure he did you a favor especially if your relationship was not going to progress past that night
Comment from Sassy
Time April 22, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Too late to have anything important to say, but “whiskey dick” just cracked me up! Never heard it said like that before!
Comment from C
Time April 22, 2009 at 9:03 pm
A vaguely similar situation happened to me on the weekend.
I’ve been dating a guy for over 2 months, and he’s a perfect gentleman and we’re taking it very slow and steady due to various issues in his life at the moment. We’ve not yet got beyond kissing, but on Saturday it came to a point where we were sitting on his bed quite tipsy late at night. Of course anything could have happened (but I wasn’t going to let it at this stage in our relationship anyway, but he didn’t know that!)
He pretty much did everything to avoid anything “more” happening, because he explained in great detail that he wanted to take things slow due to his life situation, and that it had nothing to do with how he felt about me.
So don’t necessarily jump to crazy conclusions – my guy is genuine enough to have explained it to me on the spot, but not all men have the forethought to do that. Just don’t stress and take things as they come. There is no rush for anything (unless of course that’s ALL you want in which case go find someone else)!!
It’s great that he’s got your dignity in mind 
Comment from Angela
Time April 23, 2009 at 3:24 am
Jeff – This manslation hits very close to home. I sense that I finally have an answer to what happened to me last year… Yeah, I was aiming for the no-strings-attached thing, got to “that point” in the bedroom, and suddenly, he goes, “Geez, I have to – uh – go home and – uh – water my cactus.” Well, not really. But close enough.
I suspect his radar had picked up on what I wasn’t even aware of myself, which is that I liked him, and probably would have become quite attached after the sexing. As it went, however, I was free simply to obsess for ages about why he stopped – right – then.
Comment from Ali
Time April 23, 2009 at 11:14 am
Wow! Guys are actually able to stop their horny-ness… they keep surprising me. Everytime! I agree with the ladies here, nothing to do with her. I’m going with JM’s answer… his heart is somewhere else. I would give him credit for stopping, like in school, A+ in effort, “cause I’m pretty sure it took a LOT for him to stop. The whisky dick comment… OMG, hillarious!
BTW I’m all for bombarding Ellen’s e-mail with our Manslator.
Comment from Catherine
Time April 23, 2009 at 11:41 am
Maybe he has a bad STD, like in a middle of a bad herpes crisis?
What about religion? Is he a mormon? That could be it, it has happened to me once.
Comment from Maevey
Time April 23, 2009 at 4:37 pm
I think the comment from “C” is more on par…
After being divorced for a bit of time and some dating fun…met a great guy that stopped us midway or would emphasize that no sex was happening. Turns out he wanted me to realize that HE felt there was more to our relationship (I didn’t find this out till later.) I’ll admit, it hurt my feelings at first and I questioned if he liked me or wanted me. I decided to be patient and wait to see what would happen next…
Eight months later we are going strong and let’s just say, I don’t question anymore if he wants me or not!!
Comment from Selena
Time April 25, 2009 at 9:22 am
I had this experience before. Second date, making out got heavy, I decided to go ahead and go for it, guy pulled back just as we got to the clothing removal stage. He led me to believe it was just “too soon”. Okay.
We continued to date and it turned out he had an impotence problem. He was very affectionate and loved making out extensively, but couldn’t quite “get there”. Needless to say, making out with him became too frustrating for me and it became clear we wouldn’t be a good match for other reasons, not just that one.
Could be your guy has ED Harlot, but was hoping it wouldn’t happen *that* time. Would explain his pulling away mid-button when he realized it was a no-go. Since this is embarrassing for guys, it’s not a surprise he wouldn’t tell you – you might have dismissed him when he was hoping for another chance. What has happened with him since you wrote Jeff?
Comment from C
Time April 26, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Maevey…I hope my situation turns out like yours…I suspect it will…I am being patient and have a good feeling about it
Comment from Maevey
Time April 26, 2009 at 10:02 pm
C!
I hope soo too! It can be frustrating because I think too many times we equate someone wanting us sexually to our worth as a woman. Oh sure, sure, we LIKE to say we are all liberated and confident and blah, blah. Yet when some guy doesn’t make a move or stops mid-way, we wonder what’s wrong?! *grin*
Comment from H
Time May 1, 2009 at 1:50 am
I had this exact problem with my most recent ex. The problem was ED, and your situation sounds very familiar. My advice to you would be to RUN as far away from this man as possible. I wasted 6 months being patient, caring, and understanding, and ended up getting dumped because he couldn’t be around me because I reminded him of his “problem.”
I tried talking to him about it and encouraged him to see a doctor, but he didn’t want to deal with it, which is something I will never understand. If I was a man, and that happened to me even once, I would have myself airlifted to the nearest hospital!
Comment from Canberra Dave
Time May 9, 2009 at 10:10 am
He saw the herpes? Or noticed the slit-your-wrists album collection? The prison tatts? The fact that you are a tranny? Or maybe the booze simply wore off? There’s a lot more serious no-go indications than a little woolly bear (heck, some of us like long-haired felines). At a guess, the small, unmportant thing that you failed to tell him before getting him into bed is the same as what you are not telling us right now.
As the other poster said – kudos to the guy for bailing out.
Comment from Stancey maq
Time July 12, 2009 at 3:16 pm
I liked this guy very much and oneday we were sitting on his bed when he started kissing me and trying to make love to me at first i hold back say no or he’ll lose me if he has sex with me a next day here we were again sitting on his bed when i tried to seduce him for sex we kissd he got hard but then he back up am realy confused what went wrong
Comment from tess Mac
Time October 17, 2010 at 3:53 am
The great conundrum of what is ok for a girl to do, but if a man does it, it causes great bewilderment from the the lady.
I wonder what the situation would be like if there was a female viagra , then the guy would think is she only being turned on by her having to use the drug….just a thought, as I know some of my friends get turned off by the guy using this kind of aid.
Comment from Sarah c
Time November 12, 2011 at 7:00 am
Hi,
I had a similiar situation and could use a bit of advice. I liked this guy for years we kissed all the time, then he freaked out one night said he hated me etc I was a bit baffled. We worked together and for the most part he ignored me and I ended up dating his best friend ( I didnt know they were best friends until 5 months later at an uncomfortable birthday party). He always took my part as my ex was really bad to me. Years passed my ex and I broke up and then I didnt see him for a long time until I bumped into him in a bar. We got chatting and he was as usual rude and appeared uninterested to everything I said I asked him what his problem was and he said he had feelings for me, then stormed out. He turned up at my dads bar opening with my best guy mate and we kissed. We meet up a lot of the following months but just kissed and acted like a couple minus the sex. When it came down to it he wouldn’t have sex with me. Any ideas?
Comment from AnneZ
Time April 22, 2009 at 9:15 am
No experience, but I wish dear Harlot (yes, great name!) would stop by again and tell us what reason he gave at the time? What did he say? His own words may contain clues, yes?
And maybe a little context of how they got into said McSlutty Situation? Like, did she meet him at his own bachelor party? Or pull him out of a seminary? Or from a parade with lots of rainbow flags? Some context, see, would help with the answer….
Dear Harlot, plenty of fellas will go for you in the future. Don’t let this get you down.