Is this a Rebound? Is there a “too soon”?
A reader named Nancy just met someone…6 weeks after he broke up with his ex of 5 years. He seems to be walking the Walk of a Decent Guy, but is it too soon for him? (Oh, there’s a Walk of a Decent Guy. You watch us sometime. It’s really stiff with lots of shoulder tension from worrying about things over which we have no control. Ok, maybe some of that is just my walk.)
Hi Jeff,
I do first want to thank you for writing such a wonderful book. I laughed, I cringed (uh, that was when recognizing that the open/shut case pretty much defined the last 6 mos of ambivalent hell i went through with this other guy), and I really did learn some things. So … why am I writing you now after already partaking in so much of your wisdom?
Oh, Nancy, who could blame you for such greed? I mean, for those of you who haven’t, go ahead and read this puppy, and see if you can resist getting yet another piece o’ the Mac. (Ok, so I know a bunch of you have resisted. Well…what can I say, you’re made of stone.)
A basic question. I met someone recently at a club. We talked, we had a drink together, and it was cool. He told me that he broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years approximately 6 weeks ago. I thought to myself, ok … he is probably looking for some fun. No worries… He gave me his phone number and IM, and then I asked if he wanted mine: yes. He called me the next day, and we’ve spoken each day since we met. We made plans to hang out within this week of meeting.
Following the idea of what he is saying and what he is doing, it seems like he likes me and wants to get to know me better, which is mutual. I get the part about the sex 
It’s just that … 5 years is such a long time. Is this a rebound? Do guys think in those terms? Or is it just time, meaning – if the person is right, the time is right, even if a long term relationship was recently ended?
Thank you so much for your insight. You are truly brilliant at what you do!
Dear Nancy,
This is a really, really easy one to answer. Well, in general terms, anyway. If you want to know if it’s possible for a man to be with a woman six weeks after ending a 5 year relationship…well, I can’t speak to EXACTLY that — all I did was start dating someone six weeks after ending an EIGHT year relationship. And a few years later, I totally enwifened her.
WHAT ABOUT REBOUND?!
There’s no question that rebound exists. But here’s the thing: this guy’s relationship could have ended any old way. In my case, the relationship part of the relationship was over LONG before we actually broke up. So, you know, it wasn’t as if anybody was still pining away for the other one. Our pining had been riding the pine for a LONG time by the time we split. It was devastating, but not because we weren’t over each other. It was devastating because we WERE over each other, if that makes any sense.
And here’s something even weirder…
IN FACT, THE BREAKUP HELPED IN THE NEXT RELATIONSHIP
Yes, even the fact that it was so recent. I wasn’t rebounding, but I was certainly still in recovery from some serious emotional tiredness. So…how does THAT help? Well, Liz and I were able to start out on a very “no games” footing because I just didn’t have it in me to bother with all of that crap. I was in a place where if it was going to require a lot of tapdancing, I’d have rather have just been single and taken a nap.
MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Truth be told, any relationship that involves tapdancing is really not going to be my thing. Not that I don’t appreciate a good timestep, but don’t I look foolish enough in life already? Hey! There was no need to answer “yes” so quickly, ok?
SO…HE’S GOOD TO GO?
Hard to tell at this point. He seems to be doing ok so far from your description. My diagnosis would one of “cautious optimism.” He’s given you no warning signs, which is nice. Just keep your eyes open, and NO GAMES, PLEASE. That will likely have him heading for the hills quicker than anything. Even if you don’t live in a hilly area.
Good luck, Nancy!
Do you think there MUST be a rebound period, ladies? Or does that even matter?
Posted: April 24th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from MAUEEN
Time April 24, 2009 at 10:15 am
as you said, if its the right person, the time is always right. Always. I am very happy for you, Nancy and for him too.
Comment from Laura
Time April 24, 2009 at 3:49 pm
My b/f of 9 months dated me about 4 months after his ‘dream girl’ left him. She moved out of state w/ the intention he was moving shortly thereafter. She then broke it off. Broke his heart. He was planning on marrying her.
Well, like Jeff says, he started dating me but stated blatantly he didn’t want any drama or games. Become friends as well. Because of that, we have lasted 9 months, but even better, he realizes that what they had wasn’t what he thought it was. His break up made him realize how cool our relationship is. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I got a great friend as well as b/f.
Hang in there. Take it day by day, enjoy it. Learn from it. Don’t jump to any conclusions and keep drama at bay. You’ll appreciate you for that.
Thanks Jeff for your site. Helped me many times when I wanted to “pull drama”
Comment from Laura
Time April 24, 2009 at 3:51 pm
HE’LL APPRECIATE YOU FOR THAT.
(Sorry for typo)
Comment from Selena
Time April 24, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Well Nancy, you seem to be looking for a “rule of thumb” and I don’t believe there is one. You just met. You don’t really know each other yet. Either or both of you may find you’re just not that into each other in the coming weeks/months – or quite the opposite! If this guy had a LTR breakup 6 mos., a year ago you would still be in the “see how it goes” place every relationship starts out in. By worrying about *rebound* I think you’re putting too much pressure on this not-yet-a-relationship. Stop. If it is going to develop it will.
That said, I’d go with Jeff’s “cautious optimism” and keep your eyes and particularly your ears open. Sometimes you can get alot of clues as to how over an ex a person is by listening to what they say about them. Are they still in contact, if so, to what extent? It’s always possible that they “aren’t done yet”, but there is no way to predict that without getting to know this guy better – and longer. And really what is the alternative? Refusing to date him until the relationship has been over an arbitrary amount of time? Nah.
Comment from Jewel
Time April 25, 2009 at 9:00 am
I think that this a great example of the fact that we should not generalise.If there is anything I have learnt it is that everyone is different and there are exceptions. Take it for what it is and be cautious and let the cards play out.I have been where you are and I know its an odd spot to be in but for what its worth enjoy it and take it a day at a time:)Good luck..I woud live to know where this is at 6months from now.A follow up story woudl be awesome
Comment from Ali
Time April 25, 2009 at 10:12 am
Nancy,
It could be that he is also applying the “cautious optimism” w/you too. Listen up for details as why the LTR ended. Maybe it ended in bad terms and he is ready to move on. Even though guys seems to have a more practical, simple approach to starting/ending a relationship, I’m sure they have doubts and concerns on new relationships. I would take it day by day, enjoy each day together. Life is too short to live on a pre-established, pre-conceived idea of how,when or where a relationship should start.
Comment from Heather
Time April 25, 2009 at 10:50 am
@Laura, I really don’t see the typo. I think a low-drama relationship is something they will both appreciate . @Nancy, have fun, sounds wonderful!
Comment from LK
Time April 28, 2009 at 5:42 am
Hi Nancy – you know when you are rebound girl when he doesn’t shut up about the ex. So far, it doesn’t sound like he has gone there. That is encouraging. Like JM says, no games and be cautiously optimistic.
But guys on the rebound are pretty easy to spot. Women are too, I suppose.
LK
Comment from mmagnolia
Time April 28, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Dear Maueen + All,
“….if its the right person, the time is always right”… sounds nifty+good.
But, when *timing* [which is a goodly part of nearly everything] is wrong, that can make a *person* simply untimely, rather than merely… wrong!
On !that, have some intimacy.
Moral is…notice the clocks!
Comment from Sassy
Time April 24, 2009 at 7:36 am
My wonderful BF of 14 months started dating me very shortly (1 month?) after he broke up with his last girlfriend. We had been friends in the same social circle and I had known him casually for about 8 months.
He always says that he had to date the other girl before to appreciate the girl he now has. So it actually can help your relationship to date soon after a break up if everyone’s heart is more or less intact and everyone’s head is on straight.
Good luck!