Is this Player Doing His Whole Player Thing?
Here’s one of those situations where some women seem to get themselves a little turned around in the feelings department. What’s that you say? WOMEN confused at the feelings thing? I thought that it was MEN who weren’t up on the whole feelings dealie. Well, sure. But sometimes women are SO in touch with their feelings that they start believing that they exist outside of, you know, themselves.
Racquel’s dating a player. She knew it before they started, but now she likes him, and she’s wondering if he’s playing her.
Er…I’m not totally sure why she’s confused. But I think I get it now. Hold on, let’s get the real story first:
Hey!
So I went on two dates with a player for giggles, but my original intent of fun turned to liking him recently. After two dates, meeting his friends,he even introduced me as his girlfriend!and constant texting, we haven’t spoken in TWO DAYS. I’m not the type to let this bother me, but it is.
-Soo is the player playing me? or am I looking way to into this?
p.s- the first time I met him, he told me “when I like someone, I ignore them.”
THANKS JEFF :]
Dear Raquel,
Ok, here’s the thing. This is a player, right? You said it yourself. He is a player. You knew it when you started dating. And you weren’t making it up, yes?
So…what changed that would make you think that he’s NOT playing you?
BUT…I LIKE HIM NOW
Yeah, yeah, you do. And of course, see, that’s YOU. That’s YOU who’s doing the liking. This falls under the same umbrella as something that I learned from the lovely enwifened lady faire of mine. Some women, when they feel something for a man, believe that that feeling is not inside THEM, but is in fact OUT THERE.
This often leads to a sentiment that I’ve heard many times, which basically goes:
“How come he doesn’t know we’re in love??!”
The answer, of course, is that “WE” aren’t in anything. YOU are in love, he’s in whatever he’s in. Maybe a tub filled with soup. (Hey, I said maybe.) They might feel like you do, but that’s only coincidental.
BUT HE CALLED HER GIRLFRIEND, ETC…
Hey, I’m not saying that players never fall in love. Of course not. All I’m saying is that in your situation, the only thing that you’ve said has “changed” is that you no longer WANT him to be a player.
And…er…how often do people change because you want them to, in your experience? I mean…let’s assume that I was, just for instance, the kind of person who ate a lot of Lucky Charms. (Assume away, people.) Now, let’s say that you know that, and are cool with that. Now, let’s further assume that at some point, you decide that you want me to stop being the kind of person who eats a lot of Lucky Charms. Would you ask if I still ate Lucky Charms? Not really. Because I do eat them. I mean, in this hypothetical situation, of course.
Good luck, Raquel. From what you’re telling me, I can’t tell whether or not he’s playing you for sure. But what I can tell you is that if he was a player before, and the only thing that changed is you…well, the only thing that changed is you. Don’t assume that anything’s going on with him just because of that.
What do you think here, miladies?
Posted: April 27th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Alison
Time April 27, 2009 at 8:23 am
I think you should’ve listened to your gut. It was obviously screaming at you, “player!!” Fog horns, red lights and dogs barking was going on also but you ignored it, and now he’s reeled you in, hook, line and sinker.
Players tell you what they think you want to hear. My first one did. He said, “when I like someone, I ignore them.” I kinda get the impression that any guy would do this just to get ego strokes, so that the woman contacts him because she thinks he likes her. A bit strange, no?
Comment from Ali
Time April 27, 2009 at 9:20 am
“Once a player, always a player”… wait that’s not how it goes, cheater, that’s it! Anywho, it applies to this. I think guys have their MO set when dating. If “playing” is all he does, most of time they stick to that. Unless (and I’m not saying this doesn’t happen), he fell madly in love with you in those two dates and then you are on the right path, since he is ignoring you and all… I think you should stick to your original plan, do some giggling and move on! On a personal note, this happenned to me, I started out saying to myself, this is just sex… and then I wanted more. More sex, I mean. It was so good! Is this your case? Players do tend to be great lovers. I’m sorry if this is TMI.
Comment from AnneZ
Time April 27, 2009 at 10:14 am
I think my past devotion to Learning Jeff’s Lessons might just be paying off in this moment. Is it possible that the “I ignore girls I like” announcement is one of those pre-emptive moves? Knowing that it will keep you pining away for him while he makes absolutely no effort? Maybe when he said that, he wasn’t revealing his vulnerabilities not knowing that one day he would be swept away by your very own charms but instead it was a calculated move to prime you knowing that he could then sweep YOU away for the price of a couple dinners then radio silence. If you look at it from a player’s point of view, it could be a pretty profitable strategy: let this little gem drop, then cash in when convenient. What would you normally do if he stopped calling? get mad or realize he’s gone. When you’ve been primed like this in advance, instead you’re all atwitter thinking “I’m his real love!” Pretty smooth move.
As a loyal reader of Jeff’s, I don’t think I’d fall for that one anymore. 
Comment from Liz C
Time April 27, 2009 at 3:01 pm
If he liked you, he wouldn’t ignore you. Period. Easy as that. All the rest is BS.
Comment from Lauren
Time April 27, 2009 at 3:16 pm
I’m with AnneZ on this one. “I ignore girls I like” sounds like a clever way of leading you on.
Don’t feel bad that you went into this relationship expecting to just have a good time, and then developed feelings for the guy. It happens. I’ve been there. But I’ve also been guilty of projecting my feelings onto someone else, only to discover that I was just leading myself on. If a guy avoids you, ignores you, or displays all around douchy behavior, well there’s just no good reason for it- certainly not one that involves caring about you. I say let this one go, and learn from the experience.
Comment from Selena
Time April 27, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I liked Anne Z.’s observation also. It occurred to me he dropped this line so when he poofed – to go play around with other girls – you would be thinking about it. Then…if he finds he wants to drop back into your life for a little more sex…well there you are waiting and thinking well of him.
Yuck!
Comment from C
Time April 27, 2009 at 6:35 pm
I “saw” a player last year and ended up liking him more than I should have…and in the end, he threw me a few curve balls like giving me a Christmas present and things like that which I really clung onto with the vague hope it “meant something”.
It didn’t. It doesn’t. You know in your heart of hearts how it really is. Players can fall in love, and indeed my player had fallen in love before, it just wasn’t with me. And never would be. And I knew that. Deep down. I just chose to ignore it.
Ironically, when I realised this, I dumped his sorry arse quick as a flash and now he’s crawling back. He’s clearly devo that I’ve met someone else. Meh!
I will say though that my experience with understanding the situation and my feelings and having the strength to get over it is invaluable, and though it hurt me at the time, I think it’s given me a stronger perspective on relationships and allowed me to set higher standards for my own dignity. I hope all you girls can learn that vicariously through me, rather than having to put yourself through it for real!
Comment from LK
Time April 27, 2009 at 10:32 pm
Crap. Never dated a player because they usually lacked indulging the intellectual side of me. That being said, it would have kept me from MONTHS of pain, methinks.
Run!! And see if he calls you at 2am when you’re busy with a REAL GUY!!
LK
Comment from jewel
Time April 28, 2009 at 11:25 am
The problem that we females have is that we approach a situation well knowing the outcome but for some reason hope that we will be the exception.We get into the situation and then start trying to change it or fix it.I know it is painful and not funny but also we have to be logical.He said he was a player so it doesnt make sense to expect commitment from someone who described themselves as a player.Plus how bizarre is it for someone to ignore a person he likes.I know people are different but come on…
Comment from hunter
Time April 28, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Jewel, most men know, that women have dificulty being, “logical”.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time April 28, 2009 at 10:49 pm
mmagsDear 2 hunterDear!
“know”, “know” is your operative? Gotta abandon mycave 4this:
Perhaps:
On Dulcinea’s Day, “most men” desire, dream, depend-on *their* H-O-P-E that women have difficulty being “”logical”".
And that!, Dearie, is how Stuff can start.
On Man’s “logic”: Where’s the logic of ignoring because liking—but seems cute! Sooo, aHa, maybe IT is something else!
Now….Okay 2Exhale!
Comment from hunter
Time April 30, 2009 at 12:38 am
MMag!…Hi…Yes!….
Comment from mmagnolia
Time April 30, 2009 at 5:37 pm
hunDearie!
Howdy +Wow…
……A Man[?] with unilateral “Yes”!
….or is it: just waay past His bedtime!
Logically speaking: Sweetdreams!
Comment from hunter
Time April 30, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Hi MMag!…..another, yes…
Comment from mmagnolia
Time April 30, 2009 at 6:36 pm
hunDearie….
Sun’s not set and U’re up&about!
….CYa that “yes”,
and raise Ya ’10′!, as in:
…If U = 10yrs older & MMag = available,
We could do spin some hoops or a lil’ poker [e.g.(vs. i.e.) as in the cardgame]!
Don’t tell Prof. Jeff…
It’ll be our special yummyLaLa secret!
Comment from hunter
Time April 30, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Hi MMag!…..a triple yes….
Comment from mmagnolia
Time April 30, 2009 at 11:54 pm
hunDee,
Wellll, this is more usual–moon’s out, tho’ not full, yet!
Yes IS almost always A Good, whatsoever BE quest [!2 words].
No matter, eavesDropped: Bon Soiree!
Comment from hunter
Time May 1, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Hi MMag!….I don’t know what to say,…..yes, again…
Comment from mmagnolia
Time May 1, 2009 at 10:55 pm
Hi hunDear!
Am almost certain *we* did a round-robin on *when in doubt, what’s 2do*!
Am textless [one-half second] if we2 agreed that “yes” operates when ignorance reigns.
But…no disputin rasputin: T’is dulcet!
OK….never mind the question:
yes-Man, meet yes-Woman!
BTB: early birdie this fryday— enjoy4us2!
Comment from hunter
Time May 2, 2009 at 2:37 am
Hi MMag!……..yes operates when the code can’t be deciphered, yes…
Comment from sarabella
Time May 2, 2009 at 2:26 pm
hunter and mmagnolia–alpha order,
thx much for smiles re-sweet repartee, but maybe offsite would bare better, without other ears onto what ‘operates’.
no no–nothing murky, afterall, mmagnolia makes mention of her darling guy. mixed doubles, maybe.
but, hold onto smiles.
Comment from hunter
Time May 2, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Sarabella, aaahhh, your so sweet!….thanks
Comment from mmagnolia
Time May 2, 2009 at 10:38 pm
hunDear, w/Yes-Yes!
DittoDouble, from here2Dear”sarabella”!
Very precious, comrades = inTune!
Maybe it’s time to drag out me-own vampires! Get your garlic prepped!
Comment from blubari
Time May 5, 2009 at 10:11 am
“the first time I met him, he told me “when I like someone, I ignore them”
Way to prep you for the fact that he plans to ignore you while off playing with all his other smitten chickadies, and you will actually find it flattering and not quesiton him. Classic, lying manipulator move. I know because I dated his twin.
You knew this before you dated him then he charmed you with the classic player move of calling you “girlfriend” after two dates, and your brain turned to mush. I’m kind of embarassed for you that you have to ask if he’s still playing 
Comment from mmagnolia
Time May 5, 2009 at 5:00 pm
All Dears!
Really: Is Anyone headed ‘Homebase’!?
….Ahhhh…
Always a Thrill on R’s Hill + Juicy if Sweet!
Comment from Selena
Time April 27, 2009 at 7:58 am
“the first time I met him, he told me “when I like someone, I ignore them.”
So since he stopped contacting you, you are wondering if he really likes you? What if (in some bizaare universe) that were true? What good is it to have someone who really likes you, yet will have nothing to do with you? Absurd all the way around.
You went out with a player for giggles, now you’ve found it’s not so funny. Consider this a terrific lesson learned. And one that didn’t take long at that.