When He Won’t Leave His Woman…Yet…?
Stella’s got a near-relationship with a guy friend. Flirty, physical connection, all of it. The trouble? He’s in a bad relationship…and won’t leave it. Should she let this continue, or chalk it up to nah-gonna-happa?
I know my vote even before we get more info, but let’s get it anyway, since that’s how we play our game.
I have this flirty relationship with this guy friend and we both have a strong physical attraction to each other and almost had sex on a few occasions. Here is the problem, he is in an unhappy relationship and wont leave until he knows he has something else lined up. He has stated he wants to be with me, but has a hard time leaving this relationship bc they live together. Do I go on with this or just leave it how it is?
Dear Stella,
Well, there are several reasons NOT to get involved with a guy trapped in an unhappy relationship. What’s that you say? Eh? You’d like a list of some of them? Well husk my corn, I’ll DO it!
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Please do not husk my corn in real life. My medical insurance is decent, but I don’t want to push it. Not in this economy.)
REASON #1: You’re right! I know you’re right!
Remember Carrie Fischer in “When Harry Met Sally” when she was dating that married guy and had to continually be reminded that he was NEVER going to leave his wife? Yeah, there’s a reason that’s a cliche. Cuz it happens that way, like, a lot.
Guys rarely leave women for another woman. And there’s even crappier news:
REASON #2: When he leaves her for you…it rarely works out
Whyzzat? Well, I personally think it’s because when somebody feels stuck in a relationship they just can’t get out of they sometimes require a “catapult-relationship.” He’s Wile E. Coyote, you’re the catapult and…well, that’s as far as that metaphor makes sense. The roadrunner is…er…freedom?
The point is that once the catapulter has catapulted him out of the relationship, the relationship rarely lasts beyond that point — because that’s the only reason it existed in the first place. To crowbar the person out of their relationship. Once you’re out the door, who wants to carry around that crowbar?
Though I have always wanted to own a crowbar, ever since I played Half-Life. Computer gaming dorks? Anyone? Nevermind.
REASON #3: He won’t leave her until he’s got something else lined up?????
Warning: Coward Alert! Coward Alert! Put on your adult diapers and scuba gear! Or whatever is done during a Coward Alert. (What, like I know? I just made the thing up.)
If a guy won’t leave his current girl until he’s got a new thing lined up, it’s pretty clear to me that he doesn’t like ANYbody all that much. He’s just looking for a buffer between himself and the Great Lonely.
VERDICT: AVOID
He might be a nice guy, Stella, but he’s not available. And not just cuz he’s in that relationship. He’s not an available person right now. Not to anybody. Even if he does leave her for you, next time he’ll be leaving you for somebody else, leapfrogging his way through the women of your town. Do not be that frog, Stella. Don’t bother.
What do you think, womens o’ the world? Give him a shot, or leave like a shot?
Posted: May 1st, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Jewel
Time May 1, 2009 at 9:11 am
I had my answer before I got to the end of the story.Never settle for less.In this situatiion almost doesnt count.There is nothing like a near relationship my dear.No one goes around saying”hey meet my almost boyfriend Tommy”.never settle for less or someone who is not sure whether they want to be with you.What is there to think about. You are amazing and if he cant see that then thats his loss.
Take a walk sweetheart and please never never settle for less.
Comment from Lisa
Time May 1, 2009 at 9:26 am
Husk my corn!!!
That was classic!!
With permission I would like to one day when the timing is just right, use that phrase.
LMAO Husk my corn.
Comment from Marianne
Time May 1, 2009 at 10:44 am
I was in a similar situation this past fall with a man who was still living with his fiance or as he told it, his ex-fiance, though that wasn’t what it said on his Facebook profile. Anyways, I dropped him and even used some of Jeff’s earlier advice by telling the guy that what we had isn’t the relationship I was looking for.
Lo and behold, a few months later, I met someone new who only has eyes for me. The contrast is striking. You definitely deserve better!
Comment from Selena
Time May 1, 2009 at 2:51 pm
He doesn’t want to leave his unhappy relationship until he has something else lined up? Oh, alot of people seem to do this. And alot of other people have a name for the above: Cheaters. And the thing about people who cheat their way out of relationships? They are usually recidivists. When they get bored, pissy, or otherwise temporarily unhappy with the person the left the last for, there they are…out scouting for the next replacement using the same line.
If he is that unhappy at home why is he still there? Maybe he’s not so unhappy, maybe it’s more that you are new and oh so willing. All a cheater needs really.
And Stella, since you’ve already made it clear to him you’re standing there – lined up and all -what he was waiting for… Why is he still with his girlfriend?
Bleh. Stop being a side dish. You can do better than this guy.
Comment from strawhat
Time May 2, 2009 at 5:02 pm
dont even think about it he’ll only look for someone else to escape your relationship one day it just isn’t worth it
my motto is ,if it doesn’t add to your life you dont need it,this would only take away from the life you have now with fear and uncertainty
go find someone positive who knows he wants you and is not leaving one thing for you just to get away
you could never be sure how he really feels about you
love the corn husk thing lol,i might use it too one day
Comment from Susan
Time May 4, 2009 at 10:27 am
Oh, god no — no shot! Trust me, I say this from experience.
It’s not worth the time/patience/opportunity cost and heartache on your part because Jeff is right – it is highly, highly unlikely he’ll leave his relationship at all. And, as the others say above, you can do better — and deserve better.
Comment from blubari
Time May 5, 2009 at 11:51 am
“Not happy in the relationship” means not happy with monogamy at the moment that he is enjoying his little foray into cheating with the new admirer stroking his ego. It will be you on the receiving end of that great bargain someday. Don’t make the mistake of flattering yourself with your imagined specialness while you’re rewarding and enabling his lack of character. The rest of womankind thank you.
Comment from Valencia
Time May 9, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Ay.
3 words: Don’t do it.
-Guy friend I know…same thing..
-He leaves girlfriend of 4 years.
-Wanted me.
-I say: No.
-He finds other rebound.
-2 weeks ago I learn…they are getting married next week.(thx Google)
-The kicker: He still calls my cell phone or texts suggestive messages every 4-5 weeks (I have not replied/been in touch for 6 months.)
Good luck dude….and new wife…
Don’t do it Stella, walk away. I sure am glad I did.
Comment from AnneZ
Time May 1, 2009 at 9:02 am
Oh, Jeff, you have certainly hit this one out of the ballpark. I don’t know what there is left to say.
Run, Stella, run!
Ok, here’s a tip. I bet a thousand bucks there’s a nice guy or 8 or 2 dozen who would love to have you. You just have to look a little harder for them. Don’t succumb to an underhanded jerk who finds it easy to flirt. Seek out the guy who gets flustered around the girls–that one’s true blue!