How to Move Past Booty, But Not Lose the Booty
Here’s one of the truly evergreen topics — how to magically turn a booty call into a more-than-booty-call. And almost exclusively, the answer is that you’re more likely to pull off the whole water-into-wine thing, which from what I’ve read (i.e. zero) was kind of a special situation you’re unlikely to be in.
And it’s still that unlikely in the situation we’re going to see here, in that you can never MAKE this change happen — it either happens or it doesn’t.
But these things do change on their own sometimes. And a reader ingeniously named PornQueen thinks she might be in one of those. She wants to see if there’s more…but doesn’t want to lose the booty. Can she do it? Could be. Let’s get the deets.
Is it possible to go from Booty Call status to more? I’ve never been the type to not speak my mind. Most of the time, I blurt it out and go on with my life (notice how I just ask the question above without any preamble…).
Yeah, I haven’t really enjoyed many preambles. The Constitution has a decent one, I guess. After that, the list gets pretty thin. Unlike myself, given all the stress eating, and the general deliciousness of sweets and all.
This time though, my mind is playing some tricks on me (I don’t like it) Here’s the story in a nutshell… guy meets girl, some flirting, exchange numbers, guys calls, they get together for some yummy sex frequently. He’s wanted to go out “in public” @ the beginning of the “relationship”. She’s turned him down everytime. SEX was all she was looking for at that point. They had this “thing” for about a year now. Now(arrgghhh), she seems to want more & he seems to want it too. What to say to see if this could be more? She DOES NOT want to lose the SEX part. He’s really good!(I’ll stop writing in the 3rd person now).
I was gonna ask when that 3rd person thing was gonna stop. I mean…er…he was gonna ask. I mean, HE means “he was gonna ask.” Eh, forget it.
This is where my mind is playing tricks… I wanna say it but I don’t want to risk losing, you know, umm…, the yummy stuff. I think if I had to choose, I would choose the SEX, hands down…but if it becomes more, then I would not mind either. So, what do you reccomend? How should I approach this? or just leave it alone and time will tell?
Thanks,
PQ
BTW you are the best!
Dear PornQueen,
I had to laugh at your very last — “time will tell.” My favorite womanizer pal once was asked by a booty call of his whether it might be able to turn into more. He responded with a whispered, “Only time will tell.” This was, er, hilarious to me, because it was, of course, a complete dodge. It was a lie.
Well, then again, no it wasn’t a lie. Time did tell. It told “no.” But it sure told. And it’ll tell you, too, one way or the other.
ANYTHING ELSE TO TRY BESIDES WAITING?
Honestly, if you want to keep the booty, I’d let it be. If he ONLY wants to bone, and you start sniffing around for more, well, that’s the kind of thing that bootymen are trained to detect. He’ll fade out so fast it’ll make your booty spin. And not in a fun way, either.
If, however, what you say is true — that he wants more as well, don’t worry about it. Just don’t OPPOSE it. What’s your watchword in that? Here you go:
YIELD
That’s the deal. That’s what you do. You don’t push or pull him. You sense where he’s going…and you go there with him. That way, if he’s only in it for the booty, you get your booty. Er…he gets your booty. Somebody’s getting somebody’s booty, is the thing.
And if he’s shooting for MORE than the booty, then that’s where you’ll both end up.
The funny thing is, in most good relationships, this is just how it works. Nobody leads, both people follow, and it’s like doing a Ouija board, where you somehow end up someplace, and nobody really “did” it. Except for that ghost of the little boy who died in a mineshaft collapse, and needed to come to your attic to freak you out. He did some of the Ouija board stuff, of course, sure. But mostly it was some weird pushme-pullyou thing that just somehow found its way.
Be like that, PQ. Let it happen. If it doesn’t happen, it means it wasn’t gonna happen. And if it does, it won’t be because anybody MADE it happen.
What do you think, ladies? Is there anything PornQueen should do? Or is NO-thing the better way?
Posted: May 6th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Selena
Time May 6, 2009 at 9:54 am
I agree with Anne Z. If you want (maybe) something more than what goes on in the bedroom you’re now going to have to make the first move since you were the one who turned down all of his.
Invite him to go somewhere with you, do something in public. If he accepts, then you are on your way to easing into the world outside the bedroom. If he doesn’t? Then you have your answer don’t you?
Comment from Open Your Heart to the Love
Time May 6, 2009 at 10:51 am
“YIELD
That’s the deal. That’s what you do. You don’t push or pull him. You sense where he’s going…and you go there with him. That way, if he’s only in it for the booty, you get your booty. Er…he gets your booty. Somebody’s getting somebody’s booty, is the thing.”
Love that. Just lay down your walls and yield. I personally believe your whole vib will change, and if he is interested, he will feel that.
Comment from PQ
Time May 6, 2009 at 7:16 pm
So let it be huh? I guess we’ll take that approach. See how it goes or doesn’t for that matter. It just occured to me after reading JM’S response (what would I do w/o him) & some of the responses that he has been “yielding” with me. Maybe (here I go overanalyzing stuff…) he’s taking the lead and I just keep shutting him down. Anyways, the sex stays and the other stuff MIGHT come along if not I had some great S-E-X for a while.
Comment from AnneZ
Time May 7, 2009 at 8:44 am
Hey, PQ,
Good to see you in the comment trail. I would say, from what you’ve written, there is NO QUESTION that he was trying to “take the lead” and kept getting nowhere. For one thing, he called right away when you exchanged numbers and for a whole year has kept coming back. I don’t have much experience with bc myself, but I’m thinking a whole year is a long time for a gent to hang around someone who otherwise bores or seems unappealing to him. Also from what you’ve written, there’s no question he feels rejected because he HAS been rejected, repeatedly. I am quite suspicious that what you have here might just be a pretty great guy who is smitten with you. I could be wrong, but it sure seems to walk and quack rather like that. You gotta start waving him in.
Let us know how it goes!
Comment from laura
Time May 7, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Ok people, ur scaring me. If ur solid, secure b/f of almost a year (we haven’t declared undying love yet) tells u “only time will tell” this is diff than when a player says it, right? Now I’M confused!
(Jeff is correct….again….ironically I’ve unknowingly been using the YIELD method; it works….)
Comment from PQ
Time May 7, 2009 at 3:29 pm
AnneZ,
Well I got the “next stage” vibe because of his persistence to go out. Even though I shut him down he kept trying for a bit longer & then completely stop. He hasn’t asked anymore. I’m gonna try some of the suggestions here & see how it goes. Hopefully he takes the hint (guys can be very oblivious sometimes). Btw, “smitten by you”, I hope that’s what he is…
Comment from strawhat
Time May 7, 2009 at 5:49 pm
just my point of view but do you really want to have only sex for the rest of your life? no matter how good that seems pretty empty to me it’s like saying i’m going to stop eating all food except chocolate cause i like chocolate
give it a try if you loose the sex over it so what? he’s not the only fish in the sea good at it,so if you want more try for it,you have knocked him down a lot ,show him you also like his company and you like him for himself,poor bastard has been hanging in there in hope i reckon
Comment from PQ
Time May 8, 2009 at 8:19 am
I’m hoping to have sex for the rest of my life, that’s for sure. For now no-strings-attached (sort of) sex has been working. I was married for 15 years & have been separated for 3 & this new found sexual liberation is awesome. Hence my resistence to lose the great sex. It’s crazy enough out there to find someone that you are sexually compatible with much less the whole package (love, sex, trust, etc). I’m gonna do some “yielding” for now. Eventually, knowing me, I’ll blurt it out instead of hinting. He likes basketball so maybe I’ll try something with that in mind. We’ll see….
Comment from AnneZ
Time May 6, 2009 at 8:18 am
I would just add that someone needs to make a move, a first one, that leads to some other door than the one leading to the bedroom. Considering this line, “She’s turned him down everytime.” I’m figuring the “he” might be a little gunshy.
I wonder if she should revive one of his old suggestions and say, “I was thinking about when you asked me to go that shuttle launching at the cape. I don’t know what I was thinking at the time, stupid me, but I think it’s a fabulous idea. Do you still want to do it?”
I’m figuring you have to make a strong statement that NOW THE ANSWER WOULD BE YES. If you just say, “do you still want to do that?” chances are strong that he would avoid further REPEAT rejection by saying no.
Jeff, the line about you and your buddy instantly recognizing the “time will tell” dodge–that’s pretty interesting!