Why Do Some Men Behave Like 3rd Graders?
A reader named “Jen” (boy, where do they come up with these fake names, huh? Huh? Eh?) is wondering why it is that men do all that 3rd grade stuff. Pulling on pigtails, dipping them in inkwells, dog poop in a burning paper bag…oh wait…that’s what 3rd graders did in the 1800s, right, right.
Well, let’s figure out what “Jen” is actually asking about, then, shall we? Great.
What is the deal with 3rd grade behavior? You know what I mean. The kind that men do to women like the playful teasing, nicknames, the dumb behavior, the playful hitting/kicking/tickling/poking…lint picking.
I think that last one is just for chimpanzees, but other than that, I’m with ya.
Posted: May 11th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Selena
Time May 11, 2009 at 1:25 pm
I never thought about that way either, thanks Jeff!
I haven’t run into much of this kind of behavior in recent years, but it explains some previous inexplicable actions I’ve come across in men waaay old enough to know better.
Comment from Jen
Time May 11, 2009 at 2:09 pm
still doesn’t answer my question. Why is it one specific woman and not all women. You’d think he’d be thinking about “it” with any woman…right?
Comment from Lil Henna
Time May 11, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Jen,
Maybe it’s because that one woman has the best/strongest reaction to the behavior. If the guy tries the behavior w/ other women and those women just brush it off as nonsense, why would he continue w/ the behavior around them? But if he finds that one particular girl who always reacts (whether it’s laughing or getting angry or fighting, etc), he’s always going to behave the same way around her because it’s a given that she’ll have some kind of reaction.
Comment from Jen G. the Supreme
Time May 11, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Hi Lil Henna,
That’s the thing. I don’t usually react. I’d say about 50% of the time or less and he still does it and has still done it since the beginning. That’s what I don’t get. And I can’t be the only girl that has had any sort of reaction to it. What about that?
Comment from Selena
Time May 11, 2009 at 6:50 pm
If you are reacting 50% of the time you are giving him intermittent positive reinforcment for the behavior. A strong motivator for him to keep ON doing it for the possible reward (your reaction). Basic psychology 101.
If you don’t like it, stop reacting to it at all. Or do you want to interpret it as a sign of interest? Are you trying to figure out if he “likes” you?
Comment from jen
Time May 12, 2009 at 2:36 am
I’m sure there’s other girls that must have responded to his 3rd grade behavior. And yes SELENA I am…because when you add in the other stuff he does…it makes now sense…
Comment from strawhat
Time May 12, 2009 at 6:13 am
ok i want to know what is wrong with someone trying to be playful and keeping things light hearted,i was seeing someone a while back who was like this he said to me (without me prompting) this is my courting behaviour,i’m not alway’s like this
i didnt mind it in the least, rather have a naughty boy around than an old stuffed shirt
mind you lint picking is a bit off lol
Comment from Selena
Time May 12, 2009 at 7:59 am
Jen,
If you are interested in this guy why don’t you suggest he join you for lunch, or drinks after work, or something? Maybe he’s socially awkward with women and this 3rd. grade behavior is his way of seeing if YOU are interested in him?
If you start treating him as a ‘datable’ grownup perhaps he would rise to the challenge -dunno.
Comment from jen
Time May 12, 2009 at 9:28 am
Selena – I just find it weird he does those things I mentioned in my question plus he does things like constantly ask me or insert a “bf” i dont even have into conversations, he’s asked me who i’m talking to when i’m on the phone and he’ll go through a whole list of people it might be (including a possible bf), and has asked me alot about my dating status before as well….
So it’s just weird. I must know why. I’m too chicken to ask because its a kind of awkward question to ask someone.
Comment from AnneZ
Time May 12, 2009 at 11:11 am
Jen, if he is constantly interested in your datable status (bf references, phone intrigue) I would say it’s pretty clear he’s trying to flirt with you. You have two options.
1) if you like him back, you flirt back. You don’t have to ask the “awkward” question of why is he asking about your bf. Next time he brings it up, you say, “the job is open-are you applying for it?” That’s flirting 101. Proceed as Mother Nature directs you….
2) if you don’t like him back and want all this to stop you ice him out in some way, don’t laugh at the pranks, tell him you’re busy and on deadline, redirect his attention to something more appropriate and, if you must, start making references to the bf as if he was real. Say, “I’m flattered but I feel uncomfortable receiving so much attention–my bf would be hurt.” Or skip the bf myth and just say “I know you don’t mean to, but this makes me uncomfortable, can we stick to work?”
Jeff—Extremely interesting theory! And I’m going to go with it. I think it does explain a lot. A LOT! Thanks!
Comment from Jen G. the Supreme
Time May 12, 2009 at 11:40 am
Anne it doesn’t make me uncomfortable or anything. I don’t mind he acts that way…I was just curious is all….I like KNOWING 
Comment from Shelby
Time May 12, 2009 at 2:20 pm
My fiance is light-hearted ad silly by nature and has always acted this way, with his entire family including me. Yes, it’s a method of flirting, too. He acts silly because he’s silly by nature. It might just be his way of acting, his nature.
Comment from Couture911
Time May 12, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Selena–the intermittent response thing is 100% right on. I had the same thought.
and Jen–the probing to see if you have a bf is far more telling than any of his other behavior. He wants to know how available you are, and why would he want to know that?
Comment from jen
Time May 12, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Couture – don’t know. It’s not like he’s ever asked me out or anything or admitted anything.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time May 13, 2009 at 12:28 am
Dear jen..jen G. the Supreme!
GoodNews/BadNews = get 2liking *asking* IF U [as Usay] like “knowing”!
In Romanceville, arrested [noncriminal] development is like icing on the cake! It’s 3rd grade….then, junior high….etc.
Lightheartedness, and Lightheadedness, canB make a GoodThing!
IF Mr.Alumnus is nonthreatening, what’s NOT 2enjoy! Some repugnance, there?
IF interested in R’ville w/Him, raise the bar on bluff: Ask Him O-U-T [e.g., Ms.AnneZ, above]!
If He shows fratBoy verve 2decline, show relief cuz Ucan’t date w/o older brother!
Don’t Wonder; Do Wonderfull!
Comment from JJ
Time May 18, 2009 at 1:01 am
I’m in a similar situation. There’s this person at work and he’s been teasing me, annoying me, making me laugh. You know, the usual hoopla. And the worst part about it? I have a crush on him now! But the horrible thing is, he’s attached. He did mention that he’s been having a rough patch with his gf (been with her for like 4 months) but other than that, there’s no mention of her at all. Tell me, when he teases me, always arguing with me,(playfully though), coming so close to me to read something or like most recently, (really I should say acting like a kid), took my hand, and wiped his wet hands on mine! Then proceeding to take a tissue to wipe my hands? Okay, what am I supposed to think of this? I’m trying to get over him but it’s not working. Maybe Lil henna is right. I should ignore him but we’re working beside each other and it’s hard not to laugh at his jokes or ignore him. He doesn’t do it to anyone else, so everyone’s teasing us now. I’m 25 so I didn’t think guys the same age did that. I’ll never approach him (no guts, yes) and he’s attached so I’ll never tell him I like him either. I hope he gets over teasing me so that I can move on.
Comment from Michelle
Time May 18, 2009 at 4:40 pm
JJ,
i personally have been surrounded by guys most of my life, and in my observations, they just tease. What Jen said about him pulling 3rd grade behavior rang true, because that is the reinforced mode of interaction with women. They either train themselves out of it later in life when reactions change or the stick to their guns. Though, like Jeff says, they are probably thinking about sex with you, i wouldn’t say he is trying to lead you on. Since he is attached i think it is a none issue… could the crush be tuned out for now and the playful friendship continue, or is it an all or nothing situation? Personally he sounds like a cool guy and a fun friend, possibly not even aware that he is “flirting” with you. Or just playing the flirting game… and i just realized i didn’t really help you any, i’m sorry. Every situation is different, truly… good luck
Comment from JJ
Time May 19, 2009 at 2:38 am
Hi Michelle,
I think it’s just innocent flirting, I just hate the fact that I get affected by it, it’s nothing to him but I ended up liking him. But since my heart stops fluttering every time I see him, I think the crush is dissipating. 
No worries, at least your questions helped put things into perspective. Thanks!
Comment from Dylan
Time May 19, 2009 at 11:06 am
I think the worst thing we ever did to the female population was to make an excuse for that type of behavior at such an early age…”Jimmy hit me!” “Well, that’s just because Jimmy likes you.” So now we have a bunch of adult women who are with men that treat them like crap, all under the guise of “He acts that way because he likes you”.
I also believe that we treat people how to treat us….If you allow somebody to treat you like you’re both in 3rd grade, that’s exactly what’s going to happen…
Just my 2 cents.
Comment from LA Lady
Time May 11, 2009 at 8:11 am
Oh My Gosh! Jeff is brilliant again! I never looked at this behavior this way before but it makes so much sense. From the receiver’s end it is easy to mistake the childish behavior as “interest” on the guy’s end, but this puts it in proper perspective.