How Should She Bring Up a Possible Long Distance Romance?
Maya has been a good reader and went straight to the archives to try to figure her situation out, but she just can’t find her sitch. Evidently I haven’t covered it, and in a way, I blame myself.Well, no more bs. I’m going to answer this thing like gangbusters, and I don’t care who knows it.
She wants to know if an LDR is a possibility, and how to bring it up. Well, that’s not ALL she wants. I think part of this manslation is going to be a womanslation. Let’s get her question before I start totally blowing minds left and right.
Dear Jeff,
I am a total Manslations devotee and search your archives every time I have a question about my relationship or need to provide answers to friends about how to decode male behavior. I desperately hope you can help me with this question because I’ve searched all the archives and I can’t find an answer !!
Fine, Maya, rub it in. Ok, fine. I haven’t answered ALL questions. Great. Just shout it from the rooftops, why don’t you?
I have been dating this great guy for about five months. No “i love you”s have been exchanged, but I am pretty sure that’s how I feel. We both live in NYC now, but I am moving to LA in July to start business school.
He picked me up at JFK on sunday (really nice boyfriend, right??) and I told him that I decided to attend. We talked a little about LA and that I liked my visit there, but I have been afraid to initiate a “what does this mean for us?” kind of talk…
Interesting instinct, that. A lot of loyal readers might think I’d agree with the idea that she should NOT initiate that kind of talk…but they’d be DEAD WRONG.
See that? Minds? Blown. Totally. Read on, folks.
Truly I would just like to know how he feels, and what he would like to happen. I know from reading enough of your advice that one should never start a conversation with a man and lead with “how do you feel?” but I’m not sure how to proceed from here. I am open to the possibility of having some sort of ldr, but I don’t really have an outcome that I would favor above others.
Any advice on how to have a talk about the “Future” would be appreciated!
Thanks in advance,
Maya
Dear Maya,
Ok, here’s where a lot of women outsmart themselves, methinks. You’ve heard that you shouldn’t lead off with, “How do you feel?” but what then? Well, first, a bit of a womanslation, if you’ll permit me…
TRULY I WOULD JUST LIKE TO KNOW…
Your last paragraph starts with that phrase. You’d just like to know how he feels, and what he wants, right? Bulldung. Come on, Maya. It’s the internet over here. Be honest. What are you doing, filling out a survey in his name, and you’re just looking for a little background information? Just curious, are you? Just idly wondering?
No, no, no. You don’t “just want to know.” You want to have a meeting of the minds, where everybody knows everybody’s everything, and frankly, you want an LDR. And you want to find out if HE wants what YOU want. Otherwise, why so nervous about asking about it, right?
So forget all this, “I just want to know how he feels,” crap. It’s never the whole truth.
OH, AND THAT’S WHY “THE TALK” SCARES THE PEE OUT OF US
Yeah, it’s this very tendency that makes The Talk such a hurdle for men, so much of the time. A woman says, with the lousiest fake non-chalance ever crafted by a human, “So…erm…just wondering, ah, you know, how you were feeling about us? Just curious, you understand.”
And this is when we start having a weapons-grade freakout. Why? Because we know you’re full of crap on the given reasons, but we don’t know why you’re REALLY asking.
WHY DOES A HORSE THROW SOMEONE?
Because he’s angry? On rare occasion, maybe. But more often than not, I’ll bet it’s because he’s not sure what’s up with YOU. Something weird’s going on with the rider, horsey doesn’t know how to read it, and off you go.
Same with a guy.
SO HOW SHOULD YOU APPROACH THIS?
Well, lucky for you, you already KNOW exactly how to do this. You told me yourself. What you want to do here is what I like to call, “Resorting to the Truth.” I know it’s weird, but in this situation, it’s your best bet. Why? Because the truth, in this situation, is the absolute least scary thing in town. What’s the truth? Just what you said:
- You’re open to the possibility of an LDR
- You’ve been nervous about bringing it up because you’re not sure how this kind of conversation might work.
- You’d like to know where HE’s at with it.
SCARE HIM OFF? NOT UNLESS HE’S ALREADY SCARED
Women think that telling a man they feel this way will scare a man off. And it sure will, if he’s not interested. If he is interested, he’ll be relieved. If he IS interested in an LDR, it’s likely that HE has been freaking out as well. And if you start off by clearing the decks and just telling him the whole truth, he’ll have nothing to be worried about. It’ll be a straight question, and he’ll be able to go with it.
The good news about this is, you can’t change his mind about you with this information. If he’s interested in an LDR, this will be fine. The bad news is, you can’t change his mind about you. If he’s NOT interested, well, this certainly won’t make him GET interested.
Good luck, Maya. Honesty. Honesty in The Talk is always the best way. Scary? Sure, but way less scary than pretending that you “just want to know.”
Ever proposed an LDR? How’d you do it? Did it work? Hello?
Posted: May 13th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Selena
Time May 13, 2009 at 8:09 am
My bullcrap meter went “ping” with this one as well. Since he’s a great guy, I can see how you might want to try an LDR with him and see how it goes. What you’re really afraid of is that he will say, Nah. It wouldn’t work for him, 3000 miles away is too far, too long between visits, and he wouldn’t want be held to any kind of monogamy commitment that being the case. Right?
By waiting for HIM to say something you avoid the embarassment of “having put yourself out there” so to speak, and the awkwardness of if he does say “no” what then? Do you two break it off right now? Or keep it going until he drives you to the airport in July?
Personally, I ‘m not at all into LDR’s, but if I wanted to keep the door open on a relationship that had promise? You should really think through what a LDR would look like to you and then talk about the possibility of such with him. How often could you realistically expect to see each other? Would you be exclusive, or free to date others? Would he have any interest in moving to LA at some point? How often would you be keeping in touch electronically? Daily? Weekly? Whenever?
I detest uncertainty so I would figure out what I’d like first and then run it by him. Worst he could say is “not interested”. To me that’s better than the lack of closure I would feel with never having had a discussion – being put on a plane with nothing more than a “well, good-bye then”.
Comment from AnneZ
Time May 13, 2009 at 9:43 am
First, good luck with business school. That’s a great step to take.
Second, unlike everybody else, the only thing that makes me squidgy in the letter is “I am open to LDR.” Open to it? The enthusiasm for the gent is underwhelming. Come on out and say “I will miss you terribly. I don’t want to lose you. This is important to me, but you are important to me, too. I want both!”
If you can’t bring yourself to say that, then your feelings for him aren’t probably strong enough to sustain an LDR anyway.
Really, you are in a good position because if he doesn’t answer the way you hoped, then you get a 3,000 mile buffer between you and heartbreak and a whole new life full of new people to distract you.
Remember at all times Jeff’s rule: it won’t change how he feels. Either you’re in a relationship that’s going nowhere and now is the time to move on or he’s afraid of losing you but doesn’t want to get in the way of your goals and doesn’t know how you feel, either. Someone needs to speak up! “I’m ‘open’” isn’t likely to comfort many faint hearts!
Comment from KC
Time May 14, 2009 at 6:55 am
Great Manslation Jeff – I really liked this one!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time May 16, 2009 at 12:18 am
Dear Maya—
….w/query 2U, Prof. JM!
Firstly: Most r’ships are all “LD” in sweet strict sense–sooo, You’re there already!
But: U seem lukewarm, AND Your *feeling* that He’s a “really nice boyfriend” cause He pickedU from airport is confusing; negative expectation! Airport collection is basic, do 4friend, do 4non-friend kind of stuff. Yes, that’s good but hope His niceness = broaderDepth!
BTW: Was California prospect alive when U2 met? If so, was His feedback supportive, indifferent, perplexed? BUT, that really doesn’t matter; U need 2ask!
Lastly: Just exactly what IS an LDR…2U? Define what U want re-Him….then, tell Him; KeepIt SimpleSimple!
W-h-a-t could You lose:: Sharing of any highest feelings is dignity, gilded!
Thanks, Ms. Maya, Your query helps us2!
Now, Dear Prof: Something’s amiss!
It would be good to know how A Man would broach such topic to A Woman. We Women could then deliver message in their favorite medium, working IT like a charm 4their pleasure and….Ours!
But…..Is This o-n-l-y Woman’s work!
Comment from Lisa
Time May 13, 2009 at 7:51 am
I gotta agree. Maybe its my 30 almost 40 something years, but there has to come a point where you lower your walls and just cut to the chase and say what you want.
The biggest truth is exactly what Mr. Manslator said, if your it for him, he will be gung-ho for the idea, if you two aren’t a match, he won’t be interested.
Either way you will know and be able to move on from there.
One answer will rock and the other will suck, but at least you will know exactly where you stand.
Honesty is always best.