He’s Not Interested Because She Lives Next Door?
Janet has had it with her friend-with-bennies. He’s given her what she believes is the most weak-assed excuse she’s ever heard. They can’t date because…she’s literally the girl next door. Can this possibly be for real? Let’s find out more.
This seems to me to be the lamest excuse ever. I’ve been hanging out with my friend who happens to live almost next door. We always have a great time together and great sex. After two years of this he says he can’t commit because I live next door. He has said this several times over the last two years. He dated his neighbor before for 5 years and said he would never do it again. It’s too easy. I know he cares about me, is attracted to me and is sincere. But, I just can’t figure this one out.
Dear Janet,
Uh…Janet? I don’t mean to blow your mind or anything but you already DID figure it out. You led off your letter with all the figure-outedness that one person can muster. And I’ve seen people muster some fig–ok, breathe, Mac. Breathe.
Seriously, I feel like I just watched a magician make a coin appear from behind my ear and then poop herself because how the hell did THAT get there!!?
LAMEST. EXCUSE. EVER.
Well, you know what? I don’t know if it’s the lamest. In fact, if I hadn’t been born in Connecticut (where we learn from an early age to repress embarrassing and/or shameful memories within minutes after experiencing them) I’m sure I could remember a few even lamer ones from my own life.
The point is, it’s an excuse, alright. And it’s got nothing to do with that other girl he dated having been from next door. This guy doesn’t have a proximity alarm around his wiener or anything. (Though if wishing made it so.)
DUDE, IT’S JUST A BOWL
Think of a goldfish. You know how a goldfish’s memory is so short, it can’t remember when it was just at the other end of the bowl? And so as far as it can tell, it’s been swimming in a straight line forever? It’s that part of the psyche that’s deciding things like who we LOVE.
As in, it’s a part of the brain that doesn’t have a memory, doesn’t have a past or a future, doesn’t have “ideas.” It’s a gut-level thing. It’s like laughing. You can’t talk someone into thinking that something is funny, right? And try talking someone OUT of thinking it’s funny when they’re at, say, a funeral and start cracking up. (I’ve done it, people. Trust me, do NOT sit next to your comedian friends at funerals. It’s a bad, bad idea.)
Same thing with love. If you love someone, you can talk all night about, “Well, she lives within 50 meters of my home. I can’t possibly love HER!” But that’s too bad, cuz you DO.
I mean, let me just ask this: Do you honestly believe that if you moved to another neighborhood, he’d commit to you forever and ever? No, right?
SURPRISE, SURPRISE
The other thing this part of the brain has in common with our goldfishy friend is that it might not even know what’s going on with it. He might geniunely believe that he’s not interested in you because you live where you live.
But we know better, I’m sorry to say. Humans can’t talk our hearts into or out of things with ideas like that. Doesn’t work that way.
Sorry Janet. He’s saying this because even though he clearly likes you, he’s not feeling committed to you. Oh, and don’t overfeed him, or you’ll find him floating at the top of his house. No wait. That’s ONLY goldfish. Right.
Ever heard a lamer excuse, ladies? Oh come on. I know you’ve got ONE out there…
Posted: May 15th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from LK
Time May 15, 2009 at 7:37 am
How about this one? “God told me I can’t”. Yes, a dude actually said this to me.
BTW Janet, it’s difficult to split up those FWB relationships, because they are so much fun. But any excuse other than “let me think about it – OK, you’re right, we belong together” should be cause for pause.
Good luck!
Comment from T
Time May 16, 2009 at 9:50 am
Heh. “God told me I can’t”? Wow.
Ya know, reading Jeff’s Manslations book has helped me to realize it’s either there or it isn’t. You can’t force these things and if it were real and honest, no excuse could keep him away.
Thanks Jeff for all of your bad assed Macness.
Comment from strawhat
Time May 16, 2009 at 2:05 pm
this guy doesn’t even have to try does he? how convenient to have neighbours like you and his last one
if someone told me they had DATED someone for 5 yrs i’d be wondering how long it takes him to know what he wants,
here you are following the same pattern,he’s getting all he wants with no committment and wasting your time
go find someone who wants you for who you are this guy is a habitual user and not worth your time or emotions
Comment from GoGirl
Time May 16, 2009 at 3:32 pm
What you say is true Jeff. I wonder why we woman are so ready to give the benefit of the doubt to guys when they use lame excuses to keep from committment. He “can’t commit” because he lives next door..how about asking him how he can “have sex ” with you then..and listen to his answer..then BELIEVE it.
I believe these types of inequalities occur because women do not set the boundaries they want early on in the encounter and then cry “whoa is me” when the guy sets the bar. Women should be setting their own “bar” and thereby ensuring they don’t waste their time, energy and life on pathetic men like this guy.
Get rid of him…and don’t even give him the satisfaction of an explanation….just STOP engaging with him on any level.
You deserve the utmost respect from any guy who is lucky enough to be with you.
Comment from Shelby
Time May 17, 2009 at 8:26 am
This guy straight out of the shoot knew he wasn’t interested in anything long-term and he flat-out made up this excuse about a relationship-gone-bad with a previous neighbor because he knew that he could always fall back on this excuse as to why he doesn’t want a relationship with you. He knew right away that he was never going to really “date” you, but didn’t want to jeopardize the convenience of booty-next-door. I am so tired of hearing from women, “But he’s so sincere.” Yeah, he’s “sincerely” F-ing you! F-ing you over! You must think this sap is some great catch to let this happen…or he has the gift of gab. Either way, grab what’s left of your self-respect and flee! You don’t deserve this. You do not want to waste time on this when you could be devoting time on anything in the world besides being screwed-over.
Comment from Lauren
Time May 20, 2009 at 1:28 pm
I agree with GoGirl’s observation that a lot of times women don’t go into a relationship, or even a potential relationship, with a clear idea of what is acceptable and what is not. Take it from a girl who’s been tooled around a few times herself- any excuse is just that, an excuse. Put yourself in an observer’s shoes. If a friend of yours was in the exact same situation you’re in now, what would you tell her?
I was in a situation once where a guy wanted to hang out with me and seemed to really like my company (and the fooling around), but just couldn’t give me a straight answer about where we stood. It took a while for me to realize that he just never saw it going anywhere with me, at least partly because he was into someone else, and I was pretty upset about it. My best friend gave me a piece of advice that I have remembered ever since. She said that I needed to stop wondering “why not me?” and start wondering “why him?” It really put the situation in perspective.
Comment from brianna
Time October 6, 2009 at 11:10 pm
how funny, the guy i’m into doesn’t want to be with me BECAUSE he’s dating the girl next door.
Comment from Selena
Time May 15, 2009 at 7:28 am
I’ve become romantically involved with neighbors before and it CAN be risky. Just like dating someone you work with, if things go sour, it can be awkward to have to be around/run into them on a frequent basis.
But this guy has been sleeping with you for 2 years!…much too late to pull out the “it’s a bad idea to get involved with your neighbor” line. He already is involved. His lame excuse is just his way of saying he wants to keep his options open if someone else comes along.
Why have you been going along with this for 2 years? If you want a *real* boyfriend, cut this guy loose.