How To Dump A Manipulator
Wendy’s got a man who…well, no, that’s not quite true. Wendy’s been seeing a man who’s already “got.” He’s cheating, and Wendy’s tired of being the other woman. Trouble is, she’s been having a hard time making the breakup stick, and wants to know how to get the point across.
My advice? You’re aiming your point in the wrong direction. Huh-wha? Yeah, cryptic, I know. You’ll just have to read onward. Deal with it, people. Deal. With. It.
I want to end a relationship with a manipulating and cheating man.Im the OTHER woman. He is not married but lives with his girlfriend.I have tried to end it before. But he always comes back.If he treats her that way he will me that way. I completely realize this.He takes advantage of my feeling for him.I want to get over him so i can move on. Its emotionally damaging to me to keep going through this over and over.What should i do to get the point across? would really appreciate your feedback.
Thanks
Wendy
Dear Wendy,
Honestly, this is an incredibly easy question. You dump him in no uncertain terms, and then refuse all further contact. You show no softening, weakening, wiggle room, or any kind of potential for negotiation. You lose his number, his email address, and that’s that.
BUT…
Yeah, the problem here is that you think the problem is HIM. But it’s not. He doesn’t have a problem. He wants things to happen WHEN he wants them to, HOW he wants them to. And…they are. No problem, right?
The problem, Wendy, is that Peter Pan over there still has a hold on YOU. See, if you’re a brick wall about this, it really, REALLY doesn’t matter whether the point gets across to him or not. It’s unilateral. Dumping does not require ratification from all parties.
It’s kind of like a tug of war. If one side stops pulling, well, the tug’s pretty much over, ain’t it? So, can you imagine my advice?
STOP TUGGING
That’s what it is, Wendy. And look, I’m not saying it’s easy. Manipulators are manipulators for a reason — it works for them. And they pick YOU for a reason — because their mojo works on YOU, specifically, right?
But the point, Wendy, is that until you get the point across to YOU, this will keep happening. At least for as long as he feels like keeping it up. The good news is that if you do manage to convince yourself of what you’ve written above (that it’s emotionally damaging to be with him) then it will be over. Right then.
WHAT YOU’RE REALLY ASKING FOR ADVICE ON: GETTING PERMISSION
That’s what this is, isn’t it? You’re looking for a way to get him to allow you to dump him without coming back, isn’t it? Well, I’m here to tell you, you’re not going to get it, and you just flat don’t need it. One vote’ll do it. But unless you want to wait for him to dump YOU, then you’re the one who’s going to have to cast the Yea vote.
(Man, I have got to stop watching so many reruns of The West Wing.)
Good luck Wendy. I wish there was a way to do this that didn’t involve forcing yourself to change like this. But I’m afraid that’s all there is. Make your OWN resolution that it’s over, and I promise that it is.
Ever had a hanger-onner, ladies? How’d you finally crack free?
Posted: May 18th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from AnneZ
Time May 18, 2009 at 9:56 am
“It’s unilateral. Dumping does not require ratification from all parties.”
Great, great, great line!
Yes, Wendy, if you think he didn’t quite understand what you said, get over it. He understood. He’s M.A.N.I.P.U.L.A.T.I.N.G. You said so yourself–this is one find example.
Yes, disappear from the planet. Stop explaining yourself. And, for heaven’s sake, get very, very, very busy. You are spending a lot of time thinking about him–you must make this impossible. Get on dating sites, take classes, volunteer at a rest home, sign up for hikes at your local rec dept. Fill every minute of every day and evening and weekend. Be too exhausted and stimulated to think about him! Book yourself for six months solid and take no calls/emails/cards from him. By the end of the six months you will have a whole new life filled with new people and you won’t be hurting over him. The spell will be broken.
Good luck.
Comment from Sassy
Time May 18, 2009 at 10:26 am
The comments above say it all, so I’ll just add one thing. Enlist a really good girlfriend to be your “go-to” person. If you feel like calling him, call her first. If you feel like seeing him, see her instead. It helps to have a strong “second mate” to see you through the tough days. And pretty soon, you’ll be much happier, much stronger and open to better men! Good luck.
Comment from stacey
Time May 18, 2009 at 5:49 pm
i hear ya wendy, i am going through the same thing. problem here is that i very much love him and have for 9 years. i’m trying to find a way to get over him but still have him for a friend. it is very hard and i am begining to realize it may just not be possible. ihope you have better luck than me.
Comment from Susie
Time May 18, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Wendy – Program his cell phone number into your phone with the name “Do Not Answer”. That way when he calls, you’ll be reminded and you won’t give you.
Good luck. You can do it!!
Comment from Selena
Time May 18, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Better to just block the number completely so you don’t know if he’s calling or not. (And tempted to pick up if does.)
Comment from Lauren
Time May 20, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Good advice, Selena! And as always, Jeff, your advice is right on the money. The only way to deal with manipulative people is to not allow yourself to be manipulated. Stay out of the line of fire! I know that avoidance can seem like a childish or immature move (and in some cases it is). But making a decision to REFUSE to allow someone access to your life and your feelings can be the most difficult- and most rewarding- choice you will ever make. Be strong, Wendy!
Comment from Selena
Time May 18, 2009 at 8:44 am
Jeff: Nail, Hammer, BAM!
Yes Wendy, it’s not about getting the point across to HIM, it’s getting the point across to YOURSELF.
You really want to be done with this cheater? You do the “No Contact Rule”; also known as “NTBFOTP”: Nowhere To Be Found On The Planet. You block him from calling, texting, emailing, IM’ing you. You delete all contact info you have for him. Anything he might send through the post office you return unopened. You do not answer your door to him. You do not go places you might run into him. This includes driving past his home and workplace. You do not ask mutual friends how he is doing. You tell mutual friends not to mention him to you, you don’t want to hear about him. And you STICK WITH IT.
He keeps drawing you in because you keep allowing yourself to be drawn in. The only way to get him to understand you really mean it this time, is to be completely unavailable to him; always.