manslations

When a young lady named herself “One Helpless Girlfriend” you know that either she’s at the end of her rope, or she had really sadistic parents. Her question: do guys — the compulsive FIXERS — want you to fix THEM when they’re venting? The answer will almost definitely surprise you, because it’s probably “no.”

Of course, I just ruined the surprise. But in my defense, well, I’m not very patient.

On to the question and the full(er) answer.

I have heard relationship advice that men want to fix things and this makes it difficult for them to understand when we women just want to vent to them and are not looking for solutions.

What a coincidence. I have given such advice! Based upon very, very extensive and brutal trial and error on my part, I might add.

So what does it mean when men vent to women? Are they looking for us to offer solutions or do they just want a sounding board. Lately my boyfriend has been telling me about problems at his work, which I love because, to me, this is sharing. But I wonder what he wants from me. When he  tells me about an unrealistic boss does he want me to offer advice on how to deal with this crazy guy or does he just want me to say “that sounds frustrating,” give him a hug and pour him a beer? Can I propose something he won’t really do just to make him feel better, like, “somebody really needs to punch that guy?” Sometimes it seems like he wants advice, but I don’t have any for him because the work situations are complicated. What do I do in these situations so that he will keep telling me about what goes on at work?

sign me,

One Helpless Girlfriend

Dear OHG (yeah, you know ME),

This is such a great question, and I’m so glad you asked. And I think I’ve got the answer. Ready? Does a guy — the guy who always wants to fix YOUR problems while you’re venting — want you to fix HIS when HE is venting?

ANSWER: NO

I know, weird, right? It really would seem that if a guy thinks your venting is for solving, that he’d want that when he did it. But I don’t think so.

Truth is, nobody likes that. When somebody is, in fact, venting…well, they’re expressing. Sharing, as you said. And just like when it’s YOU doing the sharing, what does the sharer really want? To know that what you just shared really landed. That you heard him, understood him, and are on his team.

BUT IT REALLY FEELS LIKE HE WANTS ADVICE!

Yeah, well, welcome to our world. That’s exactly why this is an issue for us. When you’re venting and venting, it really REALLY feels like you want help with it. I even know — KNOW FOR A FACT — that venting doesn’t require a solution, but I swear, I still have to do the equivalent of stapling my mouth shut, and hanging out a sign that says, “WOW, THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT REALLY SUCKS.”

So what should you do?

DO WHAT YOU WISH HE’D DO

Catch yourself right in the act. Stop yourself before even trying to give advice. Mentally remind yourself of just how little is required of you here. (Which, by the way, is exactly why I have a hard time. Listening is so friggin’ easy, it feels like it’s slacking off.) Stick to your guns. I’m listening, I’m with you, it sounds like you feel XYZ right now. Be a good reflection. Show him that you really, really see/hear/feel him. That’s what he’s after.

And honestly, if he’s coming to you for advice, he’ll ask for it.

What’s your experience, ladies? What to do when he’s venting?