Dealing With an Undersexing Dude
We see on TV and in the movies the myth of the “man who isn’t getting enough sex from the wife.” Usually in really stupid and annoying TV and movies, but still. We don’t see the reverse depicted quite as often, but it’s out there.
Meet Linda. Her sex life is on life support, and she’s practically ready to pull the plug. Let’s hold a mirror up to check for breathing before I run out of ways to drive this metaphor into the ground. To the manslatormobile, let’s go!
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Ohhh, if only there was a manslatormobile…)
Hi there. Ive been living with my boyfriend for 6 months now. We had been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years prior to that. He is very affectionate with me…constantly hugging, kissing and wanting closeness… except there is no real sex between us. He sometimes asks for oral, but I have started to say no because Im not getting my needs met at all. I FEEL more like the “sex starved man” in this relationship and it isn’t a good feeling…
Whaaaaa? Not a good feeling, you say? Ugh, I know. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. I’m sure that most of us have been in one relationship or another where this stuff wasn’t happening the way we wanted it to. Can’t blame you for getting frustrated. Let’s see if there are some clues as to why it’s happening. Oh, lookie there. Clues!
He does have some control issues in the relationship…likes to be “the boss” and has told me in the past that he is not like other men who might gush with compliments to get in my pants. I get a lot of attention from other men, am considered attractive…so what is going on?? He is jealous about male friends, etc and demands all my time but no sex??
Well, before you go any further, let me just say that it isn’t related to how you look at all. I’m pretty much certain of that much.
If he is not sexually attracted to me why then does he want to hug, kiss, caress, touch and be with me in every way except sexually?? He likes to hold my naked body close to his at night. He has admitted some ‘ED’ issues, but could that be enough to keep him from wanting to try sex??
Whoa, whoa, whoa! That goes in the last sentence of the 3rd paragraph?
Help!!! My self esteem is suffering and the resentment is building. I need a manslation to my situation before I just walk out!!
Dear Linda,
Well, first of all, let’s talk about your self esteem. As you seem to be surmising, this isn’t about your attractiveness. Other men find you hot, clearly. So this isn’t a problem with you. You mention four things that give me a clue to this issue’s origins, and ain’t NONE of them related any lack of fine-itude on your part.
- ERECTILE DISFUNCTION ISSUES: Uh…hi there. I’m the giant, glaring possible answer.
- CONTROL ISSUES: Hm. Doesn’t like things that aren’t in his control…and is unable to control his performance in sex…Hm…I think there…nope, I thought I had something there, but…Oh right — this is in no way ambiguous, right.
- USED TO BE A LONG-TERM LDR: Seems like a red herring, but I’m wondering if your relationship worked for so well from so far away because he was able to totally love you without confronting this issue. Not totally sure, but it might fit.
- VERY AFFECTIONATE: Clearly, it seems like he cares for you by all the affectionate behavior. So it’s not that he doesn’t LIKE you. I wonder if there’s something that is only a problem during sex that…oh right — the ED. Hm.
Now, am I saying that this IS it? Well, there’s no way for me to say for sure. If the ED is psychologically-based, I suppose I’d say that it was whatever caused IT that’s the cause of all of this. Physical problems are beyond the scope of a guy with a BFA in theater to discuss intelligently, but I’m sure they’re possible here as well.
The point is, you don’t know, right? In fact, you don’t even really know that it’s the ED. It’s just an excellent, awesome working theory. But it doesn’t matter. What matters is the following:
- YOU WANT SOMETHING HE CAN PROVIDE
- YOU ARE NOT GETTING IT
Now, regardless of whether or not this is a physical, psychological, meteorological, or pyrokinetic problem (I might have made that last one up a little) the REAL problem is those two things.
WHAT WE HAVE HE-YUH…
…is a failure to communicate, as the man said. You feel neglected. You feel like he is CHOOSING not to give you something. And absent of any actual info, what are you supposed to do? Read his mind? You want what he won’t give. As far as you know, he IS neglecting you for no reason at all. Until he tells you the reason.
WARNING: TURBULENCE AHEAD
You should know this going in: he isn’t likely going to love having this conversation with you. Obviously, if he felt fantastic about this situation, well, he’d have told you and you’d all know exactly why he’s not doing it often enough for you.
Here’s my advice for having the talk:
- LET HIM HELP YOU: He’s a control-guy, right? Well, put the control into his hands. Say something like, “Listen, I’m having trouble understanding something with us, and I’d love it if you’d help me understand it better, would you mind?” This way, it can take the heat off of the issue itself, and allowing him to feel like he’s in control of the situation.
- DON’T ACCEPT THE BS ANSWER: And believe me, there’s going to be one. I’m not even saying it will be dishonest, per se. What it will be is, “No, no, it’s fine, you’re fine, I’m fine, let’s pretend we never had this conversation, it’ll be fine, ok?” I’m not saying you have to get snippy about it. In fact, I’d say not to. Go more along the lines of, “No, it’s not fine. I know it might be a little awkward to talk about, but I really want to understand what’s going on, and find a way through.”
- THE PROBLEM IS THE PROBLEM: Find as many ways as possible to aim your focus not at HIM, but at THIS THING that is between you. As in, you’re looking to find a way for the two of you to work through this, rather than, “How come you don’t do me enough?” Why? Well, if this is what we think it might be, he already feels about as embarrassed and ashamed as possible. Making him feel MORE inadequate will not help.
- DON’T FORGET THE WHY: This conversation will go much, much smoother if you never let him forget why you want to resolve this. I know it’s obvious, but again, he might be feeling really stupid and weak and…well, impotent. Make sure he knows that you want to solve this because you’re crazy about him, NOT because you’re sick of him being a failure (which he might suspect).
And if you can’t manage that last one? Well, that might be a signal that you really DO want out the door.
Good luck, Linda. This will not be an easy conversation, but good couples find ways of turning just such not-easy conversations into more closeness.
What’s your diagnosis, miladies? Do you think there’s hope?
Posted: May 22nd, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from KRISTEN
Time May 22, 2009 at 11:18 am
I appreciate that “ED” is a very sensitive subject, and I’m not down playing the seriousness of it. But this guy sounds selfish. One thing that stands out most is the fact that he asks for oral sex. So my question is shouldn’t he give oral sex if he is not functioning properly? It sounds like he is getting his rocks off feeling you up, getting oral sex ect…but not taking care of you. There are alot of ways he can please you, if one tool is not working use another. In my opinion this guy is focused on his pleasure only.
Comment from Hurt
Time May 22, 2009 at 11:27 pm
I have a similiar situation. He does not have ED. He masturbates almost everyday, porn and internet stuff. He hasn’t touched me in almost 2 months. I have tried talking, texting, emailing but to no avail. He won’t speak.
It does sound strange that he does not try and please you with other means. Hope to hear what you find out. How do you get a man to the doctor for a problem even if not sexually related if he thinks he is just fine???
Comment from KC
Time May 23, 2009 at 7:35 am
Good point Kristen! Actually, I almost wish that I could have seen what this manslation had said if Linda hadn’t mentioned ED. I’ve had something similar happen. Ex saying he loves me, calls me all the time, wants to spend time with me, but never initiating sex. There was no ED as an excuse…
Comment from Laura
Time May 23, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Relieved to hear I’m not alone. BF of almost a year doesn’t really have a sex drive. We don’t live together. I know I’m “desirable”. See each other about 2x/wk. We watch a movie, I give great massage, and we cuddle. But even if I try to initiate, doesn’t happen. I humorously asked him why I’m more amorous than him, he tells me time and time again, he doesn’t have a sex drive like other guys. Never had. Not important to him. He can perform, he initiates, usually about 3x/mnth. But there are issues about that I won’t mention. I hate to say it, but it might be a deal breaker for me because my needs aren’t being met. Yes, I need to bring it out on the table, I mean, bed. I just hate the thought of losing his friendship if he takes exception to me requesting he reciprocate. Ugh.
Comment from GoGirl
Time May 23, 2009 at 3:04 pm
He asks her to do oral…doesn’t sound like ED to me. Why don’t you just ask him why your relationship only has occasional,one way , sexual interaction.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time May 23, 2009 at 10:55 pm
Dear Linda,
Sympathy2U2…4lack of cherries in bowls!
Cannot live long enough to grasp mystery of why most folks find it easier being naked of body than naked of soul!
If U2 moved from LDR to closer-in, strong feelings exist—or is it convenience.
BTW…we’re wondering—Who! did the moving. Just curiosity–can’t see the answer being crucial 2resolution.
Also BTW….oral sex could helpU help him, which is 2say help the R’shipping!
There’s a book: “He Comes Next”… If Uwant 2help either Him or the R’ship!
Sure, both of U may want control [whatever that boils down2, individually], but evolution might show some better Love, if there’s Love–at least of selves.
Ms. Linda, U’re also absent in the *mix*: why-oh-why: ….He “asks* 4oral pleasures? So, honeymoon’s been over “6 months”! Hear Ms. GoGirl…there’s substance 2query if Your mouth perksup His Bud.
Goes2Show…His Bud c-a-n Bperked!
One’s left wondering whether + why either of U2 really care2B with The Other!
Hope honesty sweetens Your pleasures!
Comment from strawhat
Time May 23, 2009 at 11:38 pm
i did wonder also he has to ask for oral perhaps both of you wait for eachother to give and in the end noone does
it has to be talked about,talk to him
Comment from hunter
Time May 24, 2009 at 6:18 pm
Linda, read up on, watch videos, on how to seduce your man/bedroom techniques.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time May 24, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Dear Linda,
Really! didn’t and don’t sniff that You embody Doc Jeff’s “you’re crazy about him”…OR Ms. Anne Z’s “utmost love and sensitivity and reassurance”.
Romance dragged that outta me! If my error, ten thousand pardons+prayers 2U!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time May 24, 2009 at 11:39 pm
Hey-Hey, hun!
Comment from jess
Time May 25, 2009 at 12:56 am
Linda, Hurt, Laura – this is a HUGE problem, you are not alone. This is NOT about you, or what you are or aren’t doing (Hunter, sorry, you are so off-base. With these men, attempts at seduction will only be met with more rejection and humiliation).
Linda – the number of red flags are truly alarming. (JM-no alarm bells???). ED sounds like a red herring, but it is not clear what you have tried already to address the problem – does he even know it’s a problem? (LOTs of guys still actually think -or say they think – that “women” don’t like/want/need sex). Or is your resentment building because you’re keeping it inside?
Hurt – he has an addiction every bit as damaging as drugs/alcohol. If he doesn’t think it’s a problem, get help for yourself, and move on.
Laura – either he really doesn’t care about sex, or it’s his excuse to avoid sex because he’s accustomed to getting in in a less socially acceptable manner (e.g. prostitutes, porn). Doesn’t matter – bottom line, your needs are not being met, and they never will be with this guy.
Strawhat, mmagnolia – really, your enthusiasm for munching on your man wouldn’t wane in the complete absence of reciprocity??? You’re supposed to be celibate except for when servicing him, and eagerly initiate it no less??? Wha…? Did we read the same letter? Kristen is dead right…
There is a book that may help you understand – http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-Not-Up-Anymore/dp/0061192031
Comment from strawhat
Time May 25, 2009 at 1:16 am
jess, i hardly meant she should do as you seem to think i did
i meant he has to ask?? what else doesnt get offered enjoyed between the two off them ,usually in love making one goes out of ones way to please the other therefore i merely questioned why he should have to ask
of course it should be something that is enjoyed by both as i said perhaps they wait for each other to ask initiate and very little happens
yes we read the same letter guess you are not reading the answers except in the light you want to see it in
Comment from mmagnolia
Time May 26, 2009 at 12:03 am
Mostly, Dear jess!
On behalf [vs. behest!] of us who perceive differently than Thee, A Word:
True+Funny…DID indeed think when pressing ’submit’ button that comment left room4misinterpreting: MySloth won!
[1] Yes: IF feelings are felt by Either partner, Neither partner should crunch on daily diet of asking 4Sex orAny GoodFeel!
[1a] Yes: Reciprocity is essential 2Any relationship: The more intimate, the more reciprocity is critical.
Thus: AnyOne’s “enthusiasm for munching” should wane in the absence of reciprocity. The *line* canB real fine between unconditional *love* and martyrdom. Passive-aggressive martyrs don’t make healthy, ideal lovers!
Okay….we’re squared on that!
[2] Yes: Also can wonder whether we read the same letter. Knowledge=VIP! Dear Linda reports “no real sex”. But: what sort of sex [e.g., penis, vagina, oral] has she asked for actually, AND been denied….outrightly or subtly?!
IF She suffers actual denial of *Her* definition of “real sex”, She deserves honest chat w/Herself! about WHY He remains in Her life! IF She figures She is being “crazy about” or being in “utmost love”, well…Oops: Still don’t sense such after re-reading Her letter, a 3rd time!
Only Ms. Linda knows how His yes-yes 2hold Her “naked body” [foreplay!] is insufficient for Him 2make a yes-yes 2please Her Woman embodied!
Lastly: Neglected to note that “He Comes Next” was published after “She Comes First”–twins 2sexually minister.
Merci, all tomes mentioned do Good!
Ms. Linda…BestPeace!
Comment from Sympatico
Time May 26, 2009 at 10:55 am
Possibly ED, possibly he prefers his own hand. I had a hubby who preferred his hand to the real deal. No matter I was 25 and hot enuf to turn heads. No matter that I read up on technique. Some guys simply prefer their hand. Hard to belive I know. Dan Savage would say that if your needs are not met, but you don’t want to lose the relationship, then negotiate permission to get needs met elsewhere. Wish I had done so with ex-hubby. Instead I am outta there and with someone who truly appreciates a womans body and what it can do–who takes my pleasure as seriously as my own too. Google the naomi wolf article “not tonight honey I’m on the computer” to see how common this is becoming.
Comment from hunter
Time May 26, 2009 at 6:54 pm
I remember, not being able to perform in bed with woman that I really liked. I also remember her dumping “GUILT” on me, constantly. That was at a time, before I studied relationships.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time May 26, 2009 at 10:12 pm
hunterDear,
Sympathy, sent!
Someday….share Here, fruits after having “studied relationships”.
Faith , have!
Comment from jess
Time May 30, 2009 at 11:33 am
Ha – mmagnolia, very funny 
Of course we never know what the writer DOESN’T say, but I’ll take her word for it – no sex is … NO sex – and also know how painful it is to admit sexual rejection when you’re in the middle of such torture, esp. when you receive tons of affection (intended to compensate). Will also not second-guess emotional commitment – don’t know too many who lightly decide to live together with luke-warm emotions – but after 6 months of love mixing with frustration, humiliation, frustration – I’m not surprised that you don’t sense “crazy love” – an emotional flatline is inevitable, necessary. But she’s still in it for a reason, so here’s hoping JM’s advice works wonders! Linda, let us know -
Comment from mmagnolia
Time May 30, 2009 at 6:01 pm
All Dears!
Feeling-grimace, jessDear: Pre-pardon present comments:
Actually! Any perceived “second-guess” should be on The Whole Scenario lived by Ms. Linda & Her [Gosh! what may I name Her*Him*?] Mr. So&So, IF communication came B4 The Move-In?! Angels + devils snooze in details; sooo, we wake ‘em!
Comments here or upYonder aren’t exclusive to “emotional commitment” of Either…N-o-t, At All! Any dynamic of Any of us [Thanks, Messr. Hume] is based on *emotion*. I believe This, despite a head-ruled heart—am workin’ on That!
Pre-pardon, Again: !Still, am not clear whether [Linda's definition of] “real sex” was ever part of their 2yr LDR and 6mos postLDR! Info enlightens, enlivens, and generally… lights up on every stash!
My heart’s heart = Happy, IF “crazy love” existed before the lived-in frustration! IF LOVE was, remnant exists [presuming no eternal evil exists on ether side]. Absolutely..That’s a Good Thing!
BTW: Lettuce turnip on agreement that “enthusiasm for munching” should wilt when reciprocity=absent by Refusal + unShared Why! No mano-a-mano, Here!
Lastly, jessDear: Cheers w/Merci;
…..Thinking is 2nd oldest sweetTreat!
Comment from jess
Time June 1, 2009 at 12:39 pm
silly grin here – suddenly have a craving for… crisp veggies? Gracias a ti, mmagnolia. Always a delightful puzzle from you, forgive my incorrigible literalism – 99% of the time, you say what I would (I think). D’accord, all of the above.
Comment from Linda
Time June 1, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Hello everyone…things have been busy around here, but was happy to see that Jeff had been able to reply to my question!
To answer what seems to be a big question here…oral sex on him is the only sex happening. The ED is not a constant thing…He can get hard but finds it easier to keep the erection long enough to ejaculate with oral than actual sex, where he may become soft. He is extremely loving and attentive…holds my hand all the time, kisses me often and loves PDA’s. I do love being with him. Right now the ‘crazy love’ feeling has been replaced with the ‘I dont wanna get rejected anymore so will keep you at arms length’ feeling.
I have told him that my relationship with him means far more to me than ’sex’ does, but that doesn’t mean I am willing to be celibate. I am not a cheater so won’t go that way, but I live vicariously through the attention I receive from other men. When I say attention, I mean ‘lusty’ attention. He gives me plenty of affection and love but every woman wants to feel like the object of lust from time to time…
Thank you Jeff for your reply…I will try to open up the lines of communication, but my experience with him tells me that he will feel attacked somehow, no matter how gentle I am and he will turn the issue on me.
(Ironically, I did get my hair highlighted last week and he seems way more into me…weird…)
Thanks everyone…
Linda
Comment from mmagnolia
Time June 2, 2009 at 12:22 am
Dear jess,
…Sure! Okay! Lovely!
Zero2disagree here; am sure [am knowing, thinking]! Garlic!…veggies!
Oh, Dear Linda!
Woe…Sisterhood card mayB repo’d! But, giving more data is a goodThing.
Both*U seem a bit self-centered, NOT in a goodway, if TrueLOVE abounds! What IF, either*U suffered a life-changing calamity 2make “real” [yet saying Huh?] “sex” impossible? Dealbreaker, Bailout? Methinks loyalty = no less provacative than ripping-off-tees, and that’s why sharing thoughts is critical B4 the valise is put away! This is basic coupledom stuff, am thinking–shouldB, 4happy everAftering!
BTW…if “hair highlighted” turned His trick, highlight every hair on Your body! BTW2…His then! being “more into” woulda been a sweet opening [so2say] 4dialogue on w-h-y. Just! 2get His tongue wagging in a chitchat way on the subject of tricks and treats.
Good feedback [sishood card ret'd!] is that Useem an extraordinary damsel wellset w/Mr. ED [extraordinary dude!, Useem2say]. BUT: His quick sense 2feel offended ’sounds’ like ultimate problem! Help ease that by initiating/returning His kind of touchy, pawing, groping PDA.
Make it plain that He can’t have IT both ways: stop The Whine, Rspeak 2issues!
Ms. Linda, Your “‘lusty’ attention” from other guys is counterproductive [AND, repugnant even 'tho am not a party in Your party, AND can offer self as exception 2Your "every woman" words]. Turn that around; what IF He’s YOU! Uwould be ok w/His mooning ‘ Hooter cupcakes? If Uget *made* so indirectly [yeah, let's call it 'cheatesque!], w-h-y is His indirect, 2nd tier method insufficient? Just wondering…It’s mah mission!
Bottompoints = Unpredictable erections prevent mutual satisfaction; but satisfaction DOES come [so2say] via less desired portals: 4U, via other men; 4Him, via upper castle!
If it’s TrueLove, talk about including another man4 *Your* “real sex”. He can watch until spectator-sporting fades, OR, He can rise 2Your “real sex” occasion!
If sounds kinda patronizing, true2that; But: Intentions+Wishes = All Sweet!
Comment from Linda
Time June 2, 2009 at 9:13 am
….I am not a cheater…not looking to involve a 3rd person in the relationship…DO enjoy the non sleazy appreciation of other men but DO NOT ever encourage or take it to other levels…He would never ever consider allowing another man to be with me sexually in the context of our relationship…
You dont know me at all to say I am self centered…we have an issue that is taking center stage right now and want to deal with it. It does not encompass the whole of the relationship nor the whole of our thoughts, but it is an issue nonetheless. The fact is we have been there for each other and will be there…we just have stuff to deal with, like anyone else.
Thanks for taking the time to write though…
Linda
Comment from mmagnolia
Time June 2, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Oh…Dear Linda,
Of course, It’s Good! MerciBouquets–U made time 2read comments from an unknown stranger!
Goodnews [always room 4goodnews!] is that Your followup shows how wellmet U*2 really seem2B! T’is Loverly when Beloveds stand united—Alleluia! Your widened stance is noticeable—Alleluia!
BTW: Waaay upyonder, “ten thousand pardons” extended. OK 2double that, BUT: First….hold the door!
[1] Seems, Udid notice the “cheatesque” comment; that works. However…it resembles a flag U hoisted. Because! we are unknowns 2each, there’s neither knowledge nor motive on this end 2hoist the “cheater” label onto U! “cheatesque” references potential, not evidence.
……..Still w/mme?
However, again: The exact label of “cheater” was put into actual play by Thee, Now…and into virtual play by Thee when Ushared some “lusty” notions. There’s NO [Trust! that] shyness about the word from here. Evenso and Noless:
Your protest, accepted = My pleasure!
[2] The “seem self-centered” flag is another flag found already hoisted. Your self-described mode of “U*2″ is the basis for that sense [IF nonsensical, the construction was prefab]! So Also, kindly notice commenting presumes both a “goodway” and a not-so goodWay 2B “self-centered”; Oh–minor, p’haps, but critical on the point, especially now!
Well, DearMs. Linda…. At the end of day, day ends–ideally, more enlightening.
Appreciate Your return ’cause prospective Love+Happiness of U*2 = More Palpable!
Today, no veggies; time4 Tarts–Cherry!
Sweet Blessings of MerryMoments!
Comment from AnneZ
Time May 22, 2009 at 11:06 am
ED has got to be a terrifying issue for a man. Trying to tell the lady in his life about it has got to be terrifying times a million. Not to put it too harshly, but she may have already rather failed a trial balloon or two when he tried to talk to her about it. Jeff would be best suited to offer up specifics, but I’m thinking this issue or any hint of this issue would have to be handled with utmost love and sensitivity and reassurance.
I would also point out that his jealousy almost certainly stems from his very real fear of losing her to someone who can, ahem, perform. From the tone of her letter, it sounds like she is actually reinforcing those fears right now. Which makes him more defensive and afraid. Vicious. Circle.
I would find some way to bring the ED out in to the open and in to a doctor’s office. I just don’t think any man in the history of homo sapiens has ever uttered those words in the presence of his lady fair without there being a giant whopping frightening absolutely unavoidable reason to do so. If there wasn’t such an issue, he never would have mentioned it. There may be other issues, but ain’t nuthin’ happenin’ noway no how until this is cleared up any way. Good luck.