Does a Whole Year of Booty Equal Feelings?
Kay has a question about a long-standing booty call she’s involved with. If it’s the same woman for a year (and we’ll have to take her word for it that we’re sure she’s the only one) does that mean he’s got feelings for her? Will it always be sex?
The answer will surpr…well, no, it likely won’t surprise most of you.
if a man keeps calling the same female for sex and it is going on a year does he have feelings for her or will it always be sex?
Dear Kay,
I’ll put it this way. If a man behaves a specific way toward a woman — let’s call her “you” — for a year, what it means is that whatever is happening WORKS. As is. And for both of you, evidently, because it’s been going on like this for a year.
MIGHT IT CHANGE?
Er…well, I mean, it MIGHT. But how long, exactly, might you be willing to wait for this change to manifest in something other than him calling you ONLY when he’s horny?
Here’s the thing. If he wanted more, why is he punishing himself by settling for less? You’re right there. In fact, I’ll go even further and say that he likely has had to jump through a few hoops to make sure that a relationship doesn’t accidentally break out without his permission.
Why would he go through all of that if he really wanted more?
TRY PUTTING THIS INTO WORDS
Here’s something that I do sometimes to try to assess someone’s behavior. I try to imagine what their conscious thought process might be and put it into words. For example, in one of my most favorite manslative situations, which of these two is a more likely thought for a man to have in his head?
- I was falling in love with her, but then she called me. Well, that didn’t let me “chase” her, so now I’m just not interested.
- I’m not that interested in her, and her lack of letting me “chase” her didn’t really have anything to do with it.
So, what might be going on your dude’s head here?
- I thought I only wanted sex, but now, a year after ONLY calling her when I’m randy, it turns out that I wish I was seeing her during non-sex time. Not that I’m doing anything about it, mind you. I’m not actually making an EFFORT to see her outside of a sexual context. But I have secret feelings in that arena.
- Things are working out how I want them to. I want sex without a relationship, and because this woman allows me to have that, I’ve stuck around for a year.
ANY EXCEPTIONS?
I don’t know. I suppose it’s theoretically possible. But again, how long are you willing to wait before you have to ask yourself, “If he wanted more, how come he’s accepted less for a year?” It’s a tough one to get past, that question.
Sorry the answer’s not very optimistic, Kay, but that’s just how this goes. If someone’s been cool with this for a year, it’s almost certainly because they’re cool with it. And it doesn’t even mean he doesn’t “have feelings” for you, Kay. It just means that THIS is how his feelings play out. And what he wants…is what he’s getting. (Hint: you keep it inside your pants.)
Do you think all this booty means he’s got feelings, ladies?
Posted: May 25th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Erika
Time May 26, 2009 at 12:42 pm
I was in a booty only relationship for 3 years… Most of the time I was the only one. He has a girlfriend now… and it’s not me.
I have an amazing boyfriend though now as well.
Stop settling for less than you deserve, and you’ll end up where you truly want to be.
Comment from strawhat
Time May 26, 2009 at 3:17 pm
as jeff frequently points out,look at the actions,you are getting exactly what you are getting no more no less, if thats all you want fine if not time to do something about it
just my point of view here but to my mind you are wasting precious time , who knows what good things have passed you by in this last yr?
Comment from PQ
Time May 26, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Well he’s feeling something for you for sure… he’s feeling horny, randy and you are there to take care of those feelings. I’m actually in a BC for almost a year and I know how confusing his “feelings” may be for you. My thing has worked out because we’re both on the same page… only sex. Now, I can’t deny that sometimes I wonder if he has feelings for me but those ideas are quickly dismissed to keep me sane and un-stressed. One thing I know is that he cares for me. But that’s all. And I know he knows that the feeling is mutual. Basically what I’m saying is that if you are happy with what you have don’t mess with it… JM gave me great advice on this… YIELD. Don’t push or coerce this BC, if things are meant to happen they will, so just start yielding or don’t, you know whatever works for you and it’s what YOU want.
Comment from Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach
Time May 31, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Listen to Jeff. He’s telling you straight. If this works for you, its your choice. But if you want more and are kidding yourself, it might be time to be honest with yourself. Perhaps more intimacy scares you so this relationships serves you as is. My advice is to get clear on what you really want and then decide what to do to make that happen.
Comment from name
Time June 23, 2009 at 4:04 pm
great advice jeff !
Comment from KT
Time July 29, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I’ve been in a similar “booty” situation for 5 years now. I accept thats all we are but he drives me nuts with the things that he says. Which would make me think he has feelings for me. When we spoke about it he said he cant ever imagine telling me something he didnt mean. Over the years he told me he loved me but took it back the next day by saying he didnt want to get into anything he couldnt commit to (He moved 200 miles away). He has tried to sever contact but he is the one who comes back. He came back from holiday last week and phoned me the night he got home with no mention of us not speaking. Recently I celebrated a big birthday, he sent me my favourite flowers.
AND he mentioned last week that he had used his whole condom supply with me.
God knows whats going on. I think Jeff is right, bit 5 years,,,,,surely there is something more there.
He has told me he dreams about me sometimes too.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time July 29, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Dearie KT,
Dearie JM would remind 2look at His actions!
Please ask! about those dreams…. unless…Udon’t want2know! [We do!]
Love’s Peace2U!
Comment from Selena
Time May 25, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Jeff wrote: “If he wanted more, how come he’s accepted less for a year?”
I’d ask: “If Kay wanted more, how come she’s accepted less for a year?”
You have the relationship you chose. Whatever his feelings are, they fit neatly within that framework.