Do Men Like THIS ever Change Their Minds?
You know, I confess that sometimes I want to answer a question just because of the pen name that the reader has chosen for herself. Today, we hear from “To the Convent I Go,” who is having a bumpy sorta-breakup after a near-relationship. She’s wondering if guys in this state of mind ever turn around and come back.
Let’s get us some details, shall we?
I am desperate in need of a manslation. I just ended a 7mo relationship. If you can even call it that. We did all the things you typically would in a relationship, without the title. He told me 4mos in that he did not want a serious relationship. He did not believe in marriage and never planned to be married. He is 35yrs old so it’s not like he is a young man.
Hey, hey, easy. I resemble that remark. In fact, I resemble it a few years harder than even HE does. Ugh.
I should have listened then, but obviously I didn’t as I am writing you now.
Hey, don’t beat yourself up. If we bailed out on relationships right when we first knew they were over, we’d all be…well, I guess we’d be, you know, “happy.”
Why would a man act as though he were in a relationship with someone when they actually wanted nothing? He went to weddings with me and all the couple stuff.
Same reason that a Quik-E-Mart sells all the grocery store stuff, but still ain’t a grocery store. Convenience.
My best metaphor? No.
I apologize for nothing.
After I ended it he asked if we could remain friends and I said that I couldn’t because I would always be hoping for more. He didn’t understand that and said “why, if we no longer sleep together what’s the problem? I really want to remain friends. I love spending time with you and don’t want to lose that.” I asked him not to contact me and then we kissed goodbye. I am having a weak moment and oh so want to contact him. Do men like this ever change their minds? I keep thinking maybe if I hang in there he will change, but I don’t want to waste years with someone who won’t.
Dear ToTheConventIGo,
Well, before ye get thee to a nunnery, let’s ask ourselves what we’ve got here, behavior-wise. Breaking it down in 3…2…1…
BEHAVIOR IN BULLET POINTS!
- For seven months, you not only slept together, but did things like go to weddings with you. etc.
- He said to you that he doesn’t believe in marriage.
- During all this time, he didn’t want to call this a relationship.
- Upon breaking it off, he not only wants to keep up a friendship, but doesn’t really understand why you might NOT want that, given that the sex is over.
What does all of this add up to, in this manslator’s opinion? I’ll give you a hint: I already mentioned it earlier during a metaphor of questionable quality:
CONVENIENCE
What it says to me when a guy sticks around in a non-relationship, even doing “relationship-ish” stuff, is that it’s EASY. It’s easier to be with you, go to weddings with a date, have sex available when you want it, etc. than it is to be out there looking to rustle it up on demand.
Now, since I’ve gone to all the trouble of making the stupid 7-11 metaphor, let’s drive it into the ground, shall we? Does a Quik-E-Mart ever decide, “Oh what the hell, I’ve already got eggs, milk, bologna…let’s turn this place into a grocery store!”
No. Or, in parlance of the industry: thank you, come again.
VERDICT: NOT LIKELY
For me, the telling thing is the fact that he seems puzzled that you aren’t totally ok with staying friends. Not only is HE not into a real relationship, he doesn’t even understand that you might be. This says to me that you guys just aren’t on the same wavelength, and I can’t think of too many situations in which that’s likely to change 7 months in.
Please, though, there’s no need for the convent. Despite how mind-blowingly fun they make those places seem in the movies, I’m guessing it might be kind of a bummer.
Ever been with a guy who behaved like this and then changed his mind? How did it go down?
Posted: May 29th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Lauren
Time May 29, 2009 at 10:51 am
The convenience store metaphor was actually really good. I’ve been in a couple of “relationships” like this, and, well, if the guy ever had changed his mind, I supposed I wouldn’t have put the word “relationships” in quotes… ::sigh::
When you’re really into somebody it’s so easy to hope that they will change their minds or come around, but let’s face it: how many times have you been feeling mostly lukewarm about somebody, then one day you suddenly woke up and said, “My God! I’m hopelessly in love with Herbert!” (Or whatever his name was.) In my experience, the feeling is either there or it’s not. It sucks when it’s there for you and not for him, but better to realize it now then to wait around hoping he’ll change his mind.
Comment from Selena
Time May 29, 2009 at 11:45 am
I loved the metaphor Jeff! Mind if I borrow it sometime should the opportunity arise?
I also loved what you had to say Lauren:
“… let’s face it: how many times have you been feeling mostly lukewarm about somebody, then one day you suddenly woke up and said, “My God! I’m hopelessly in love with Herbert!”
Ha ha! Well, never really. Yeah, the feeling is either there or it’s not, and if it hasn’t developed after spending an appreciable amount of time together it’s not going to.
To the Convent:
You know, it’s sounds to me like he DID have a romantic relationship with you he just didn’t call it that. He did all the couple stuff, it sounds like he was exclusive, he just didn’t want to label it, or let you believe he was interested in eventual marriage. Is that really so bad? What exactly is the “more” you wanted?
I’m not particularly marriage minded so I can see myself in this type of “no pressure” relationship as long as it was exclusive. I suppose though, that there was more going on than what you could include in your brief letter to Jeff. “More” can mean different things to different people.
Comment from To The Convent I Go
Time May 29, 2009 at 12:16 pm
He has stated in the past that he does not believe that there is a “one”. He does believe that people are meant to spend their lives with only one person. I got an email from him this week saying that he knew he wasn’t suppose to be emailing me, but he wanted to let me know he found an earring of mine. Then continued to ask how my holiday weekend was. It was a cheap earring, I had told him I lost there when I was leaving, and said not to worry about it. Why contact me? Thanks for the advice Jeff! As always your humor brought a smile to my face. I also love the convenience store metaphor, but just wish it wasn’t pertaining to my life.ugh
Comment from To The Convent I Go
Time May 29, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Sorry, what I meant to say was he doesn’t believe that people are meant to spend their lives with one person.
Comment from Selena
Time May 29, 2009 at 1:27 pm
So what he was telling you in the main was: while he liked spending time with you, he was always keeping his options open. I bet that made you feel “special” didn’t it? Ugh.
You know the deal about the earring: he’s hoping he can give it back to you in person and when you see him you’ll change your mind about breaking it off. Gotta smile since it’s usually women who do this. Sometimes intentionally leaving something at a guy’s house so they have an excuse to meet up with him.
What did you tell him to do with the earring?
Comment from To The Convent I Go
Time May 29, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Selena, If it had only been the earring I would have said to pitch it. Which is what I did with a pair of his shorts (thinking contact was over), but I had a couple other things there that I do want back. I did NOT leave them there on purpose, I promise. It sounds like a smooth trick, but at the time I was a bit too upset to come up with something sneaky like that. He is suppose to give them back, but this won’t be for a few weeks. He is away on business at the moment. Which probably works in my favor. More time without contact will hopefully help me be strong when I do have to face him.
Comment from Selena
Time May 29, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Oh Convent, I never meant to imply you did that! Just that I’ve heard of women doing this as a ploy to see a guy again. Given that you and this guy were seeing each other for 7 mos. it’s totally reasonable that you might have stuff at each other’s places that you might want back.
Good luck with staying strong. Sorry it didn’t work out for you. His loss.
Comment from LK
Time May 29, 2009 at 4:21 pm
This sort of happened to me, albeit 20 years later. Which makes me wonder, now, if he didn’t have feelings all along? He never admitted to it then, won’t admit to it now, but maybe I was the one he let get away. I certainly let that happen, being young and stupid and not confident enough to just ask “hey do you like me & us or what?” We just never talked about it (and, incidentally, the earlier part of the relationship was sans sex so it was an easy mistake to make).
Anyway, sitch remedied…we’re together now.
However, Convent, I think you are handling yourself in the best way possible. It’s nice to think that all bets off, you wanting to contact this guy but not doing it and writing your very heart-felt story here instead was a stroke of genius on your part. A solid, level-headed girl you are…not a convent candidate, but a girl who deserves a guy who does all the couple things ’cause you’re a couple with both wearing the title proudly!
All the best – and don’t get weak when he shows up with your stuff.
LK
Comment from GoGirl
Time May 30, 2009 at 11:54 am
I wouldn’t see him. Let him sweat. Give him the space to be able to miss you. Send off a quick email saying you won’t be able to see him afterall, so could he send the stuff to you in a post pak. If it is too big to send ( like a wardrobe..lol) ask him to let you know when would be a convenient time to have a friend collect it for you.
You are starting to get responses from him because you are finally setting some personal boundaries with him. Everyone wants to be with someone they can respect, not someone who will take being treated poorly. Finally you are demanding to be respected..I call this having the Emotional Smarts. Now that you have found them..don’t lose them again. Best of luck .
Comment from X
Time May 31, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Jeff,
As always, the best metaphor I’ve ever heard, is from you !
To the convent I go :
When I want to break off a relationship, I’d tell the guy, I’d appreciate if he could send me my stuff via post ( better than handing it over to a friend, as he could smooth talk my friend , and she could carry it over to me, and he could always approach that friend and all that non-sense).
One guy would just delay, acting as if he sent it, and emailing whether I got it or waiting till I email him to remind again ! Just a mind game to keep contact ! But we lived in different cities and it didnt make sense to me, to meet him for the stuff !
If you lived in the same place, take a male friend or a male colleague along with you, as the postal package thing might extend for long, if he doesnt want to lose the “convenience”.
You may go with a friend and her date/finace,husband … ( its imp to have a guy with you ) makes him back off a bit, as you could tell him, you got a ride from your friends, as you didnt feel like driving etc !
So your friends on your way can support you to stay strong and it’ll be over in just a few minutes !
Please, please dont settle for less and block access to a wonderful guy who might be dying to marry a great woman like you !
Comment from C
Time May 31, 2009 at 8:14 pm
I think X’s comment is the most important one here: “Please, please dont settle for less and block access to a wonderful guy who might be dying to marry a great woman like you !”
We all make so many excuses for men…and the bottom line is that there IS someone wonderful out there for all of us. They just often take a super duper long time to find and we get totally sidetracked by loser time-wasters in the meantime. Sucks.
Comment from sarabella
Time June 1, 2009 at 12:53 am
convent’s situation is similar enough to mine to ignore the differences.
apology, for my delayed empathy.
a nunnery (unthere, undone–but familiar) is not an answer, convent. you might miss meeting someone who could be close-enough to being the *one* .
lol—if he’s a monk, already.
convent showed progress in her wisdom to break up with him after really realizing they have different plans. at least, he’s consistent under jeff’s advise about words and actions. maybe convent’s best model is to do as he did..practice her own consistent plan.
a wise writer suggested that great temptations demand great courage to yield to them. sometimes, yielding can be more difficult than resisting.
for convent’s situation, yielding to contact him or to make a nunnery-run don’t seem to be her longterm best. timing could help. youth/youthfulness lend extra time to re-do, re-create.
but also, some non-sexual dating (any with a pulse, within reason) could remind convent of his word in his actions.
wish you peaceful good fortune, convent.
Comment from To The Convent I Go
Time June 3, 2009 at 9:16 am
Thanks everyone, I have made it one week without contact. I have to say it is not easy! I keep thinking of lame reasons why I should, but I am trying to hold strong. All your comments have helped. Thanks
Comment from chief-nun
Time June 17, 2009 at 7:08 pm
this is probably THE best post i’ve read cause yes in the exact same situation. its been exactly twelve days and he also has my earrings but content i promise u it gets better wt everyday. u think about all the time of yours he wasted, the really small stuff he couldn’t compromise seeing how beautiful u r, how much ur friends love and want whats best for u and suddenly that msg to him isn’t as important. he disregarded ur feelings, disregard his and i know it sounds bitter but seven months to mislead someone knowingly is just cruel! keep at it! so worth it 
get a friend to fetch those clothes
Comment from mmagnolia
Time June 17, 2009 at 11:06 pm
Dear chief-nun,
…what’s w/all these “earrings”! Replaceable Rknot [that's a pearl pun!]!
Nothing = All-bad! Be kind2U…don’t waste magic on “bitter” biz or returning His bad favors! That’s a waste o’time…and o’Thee!
Yep, ez in theory! So, just do as The Bard sez: Assume a virtue if Uhave not. Act Beloved; Act Healed!
Aha…B4U know it–Uwill be!
Worse = Done! Future = WhoseNose?
Have YourOwn Heart; practice A Prance!
Comment from K-Rod
Time May 29, 2009 at 8:46 am
“Same reason that a Quik-E-Mart sells all the grocery store stuff, but still ain’t a grocery store. Convenience.” LOVE IT!
I think it’s classic how you always find a way for us ladies to be able to “get” men with your clever metaphors.
YOU ROCK