What Does He Want? Look at What He’s Getting!
Seems like we’ve got a guy who’s squirming his way out of Mindy’s life, except when he’s feeling low/vulnerable/sick/drunk. What, oh what, could he possibly want? Well, the trick there is to see what he’s getting. Lemme splain.
This guy I’ve been seeing; spends 4-5 weekends with me and then tells me with his schedule so busy its not feasible. But still wants to talk and see each other whenever possible. He sends me text messages when he’s sick, drunk, or had a bad week/day wanting to see me (1/2 those times we didn’t have sex. So I’m confused). What does he want from me?
Dear Mindy,
Ok, let’s break down what happened with you guys based upon what HE received:
STEP ONE: TAKING A WHACK AT IT
Sounds like you guys had a little booty, a few weeks of fun. He gave the standard reply when the relationship train is pulling out of the station.
Basically, what the “scheduling complaint” really means is, “Don’t count me doing anything I don’t feel like doing.” Let’s face it, nobody in the history of humanity has ever been “too busy” for someone they really felt committed to. Doesn’t happen that way.
STEP TWO: STILL SEEING EACH OTHER “WHENEVER POSSIBLE”
I’m not sure what the “whenever possible” means. But you two do get together. Sometimes. My guess is that “whenever possible” translates to “whenever it’s convenient for him,” right?
STEP THREE: TEXTING WHEN BAD THINGS ARE HAPPENING
He’s sick, he’s drunk, he’s had a bad week. Enter his interest in YOU.
What does all of this add up to?
BEST OPTION AVAILABLE
That’s how he appears to see you. He’s getting you on HIS terms, which means that he doesn’t really see your relationship as something worth compromising for. He doesn’t want to have a regular relationship, but he DOES want to have you WHEN HE FEELS LIKE IT.
Is this likely to change? Sure, when he meets someone he really likes, it will sure change. But until then, what he wants from you? It’s this. This very thing. He wants you on his terms, and he wants you out of his hair otherwise.
Not great news, Mindy. Just don’t get suckered into thinking that this is MORE than it is. Cuz if he wanted more, there’s no reason he couldn’t just have it.
What do you think this guy is after, miladies?
Posted: June 1st, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Selena
Time June 1, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Sounds like the typical “casual relationship” to me. He hasn’t fallen for you, but likes you well enough to get together now and then if nothing else is going on. Fine for what it is, but don’t expect him to turn into a “real boyfriend” if that’s what you want.
Guys in this mode also tend to disappear without warning when they get involved with another woman. Be forewarned.
Comment from debbie
Time June 1, 2009 at 3:06 pm
So is the moral of this story or the sum of these manslations, that if a guy is really into you, you’ll just know it?! i.e. if he wants a relationship with you he wont be too busy or make up excuses and you wont have to spend time wondering what the hell is going on?
Comment from Becky
Time June 1, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I more or less wasted two years of my life on a relationship such as this. It was always on his terms, at his convenience, on his timetable. If he didn’t have anything better to do, he was with me. If something came up; he didn’t show. It got old – and carved away at any feelings I ever had for him. I listened to his sad stories, held his head while he was drunk, and sure enough, when someone else came along that he perceived as being better than I, he was gone. I felt foolish; for I thought he really cared about me. In fact, if he had really cared in the way that he should have or how I wanted him to, I’d never have had to wonder about our relationship. I’ve chalked it up to experience, and one that I don’t care to repeat.
Comment from LK
Time June 1, 2009 at 5:58 pm
What they said. Sorry, Mindy. However, the upside is you are still free enough to run into Mr. Wonderful! Woo Hoo!
Comment from Lauren
Time June 2, 2009 at 9:11 am
“So is the moral of this story or the sum of these manslations, that if a guy is really into you, you’ll just know it?! i.e. if he wants a relationship with you he wont be too busy or make up excuses and you wont have to spend time wondering what the hell is going on?”
Yes, Debbie. Yes it is. I’d even go so far to say that the above is true for most women. People just aren’t as complicated as we’d like to make them out to be. Especially when feelings are involved.
Mindy, I’m sorry you got mixed up in one of these deals. As you can see from the other ladies’ comments, it can happen to the best of us. My advice is, give him a dose of his own medicine. Whenever he wants to see you, tell him you’re sorry but you’re “crazy busy.” Then go hang out with your friends and have a good time. Ignore him. He’ll get the picture.
Comment from mianne
Time June 2, 2009 at 11:30 am
So, this is my guy. It’s been 6 weeks since I heard from him and he is the one who said, “let’s keep in touch”.
I think it’s time to take him off my friends list on FB.
Comment from PQ
Time June 3, 2009 at 2:57 pm
mianne: 6 weeks? Yeah, I’m gonna go with removing him from your life altogether. It’s just not worth your time. He obviously made a decision and ur not part of it. When in doubt…as a great man always said: ignore what he says and focus on what he does. He is not doing anything for you.
Comment from PQ
Time June 1, 2009 at 2:35 pm
It sucks to be be on the receiving end of this one sided relationship/thing. If the terms he’s applying to your thing do not match your terms then cut your loses and move on. We tend to overanalyze E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G single detail. From what he said to how he said, from what he was wearing to what you were wearing. We’re great at this, nitpicking, I call it. My advice would be to either to enjoy it while it last or while you want it to last. Maybe it should be on your terms more. I say you demand it to be on your terms, especially if it’s only sex. Booty calls are fun if you know how to handle them. That means that the terms need to be agreed by both parties.