From Slow to Stop Overnight??
So, at the return of an old boyfriend, we start in, like, ninth gear. She asks for a bit of a slowdown, and he stops entirely. What’s up with that? I think I have an idea, but let’s get some more info.
Basic facts…An old bf came back into my life recently. We talked about getting back together possibly marriage. I told him that he needed to take things a little slower. The next day, he tells me that he’s thought about things and he’s not ready for a relationship..why would things have gone from slow to stop overnight?
Dear TEM,
First of all, I love that you signed your name in all caps. Makes me feel like you’re yelling it, which is fun. Unless…maybe it’s a monogram, in which case, I shall type this with my pinky raised, madam.
Ok, so why did things go from slow to stop overnight? Well…they didn’t. They went from FAST to stop overnight. Big, big difference.
FROM MACH 3 TO A DEAD STOP, EXPLAINED
When a guy comes at you, all guns blazing, and then at the suggestion that, “Erm…how about we ease back on the throttle, there, Maverick?” he goes all “Talk to me, Goose,” on you, it’s likely because his interest wasn’t as much in YOU as it was in what being with you would mean for him NOW, NOW, NOW.
What do I mean? Well, here’s my guess. He contacted you when he had been super lonely. Either he had just gotten out of a relationship, or he hadn’t had one in a long, long time and was feeling antsy. It’s kind of like the least fun game that any child has ever been made to play…
MUSICAL CHAIRS
You know the game — where children learn to pick off the slow and the weak? Sure, lots of fun. Good lesson, good lesson.
Anyway, that’s what it sounds like he was playing, and of course you didn’t think of it like that. So it was like:
HIM: Come onnn, COME ON!!! Let’s grab this chair! NOW! It’s right there!!!!
YOU: Well, er, how’s about we look around a little? You know, ease into it once we know we want the chair, you know?
HIM: Ah, screw it. This isn’t working out!
See what I mean? Seems weird to you because, well, you weren’t playing musical chairs.
If it makes you feel any better, it’s a damn good thing you didn’t go along at his crazy speed. Cuz you’d have ended up stuck with a chair that, frankly, wasn’t very structurally sound to begin with.
Sorry this happened to you, TEM, but I have to say that it was the best outcome here.
What do YOU think makes a man change speeds that fast? Ever had this one happen?
Posted: June 3rd, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Selena
Time June 9, 2009 at 11:48 am
Well, I had a bf who wanted me to come live with him 4 yrs. after we broke up. I was living in another state at the time, and we spent 3 mos. in phone/email contact getting closer and I agreed to give it a try. Three days before I was to leave to be with him, he sends me an email calling it off. Never heard from him again. So…it wasn’t exactly your situation TEM, but it was similar.
I wrote Jeff about this and he manslated it to me in essence, that my ex had been fantasizing about what getting back together would be like, but when it came to me actually BEING THERE, fantasy smashed into the wall of reality for him. And the reality of being back together wasn’t as good as the fantasy. More to it, it’s in the archives here someplace Dec. ’07 or Jan. ’08 I think.
I suspect this is more or less what happened with your ex. He pops back in your life, entertains the fantasy of getting back together, when you agree to try but want to take things slow, he’s faced with the reality of just what getting back together with you would actually involve. Yikes! Smashed right into that wall.
I know you’re probably disappointed (I sure was) but you also probably know you dodged a bullet. Better he backed out before you became really attached to him again, rather than later – breaking your heart.
They say ex’s are ex’s for a reason. Sometimes we need reminding of that.
Comment from X
Time June 3, 2009 at 1:50 pm
“it’s likely because his interest wasn’t as much in YOU as it was in what being with you would mean for him NOW, NOW, NOW.”
Love these lines, Jeff !
Sometimes when someone gets lonely, ( men or women) that’s when they keep thinking of ex-es, and when they know the ex is okay with taking it further(slowly or craaazy speeds, whateva it is)… they can really think, ‘coz their focus isnt on how to overcome this loneliness and on doing what’s right !
thats when they just remember why in the first place, they broke up and think — Gawdd, what have I done ? and close contacts, may be they cant save face any other way, if they initiated the idea first !
Doesnt it sound a very stupid mistake to do ? I think you’re at the better end of the line than him, TEM !
If any ex emails or calls, I just dont sound to be happy about it and tell them I’m ‘busy’, usually there wont be a second call, if there is …I’d remind them, it’s over !
Getting back with ex-es (who ever breaks it is irrelevant) never works, except in fairy tales or 1 in a million cases, so fight the odds !
Also when I get an urge to call or email an ex, I just grab a book, or watch a movie, so I dont confuse myself or anyone !