She Got A Call From Her Ex’s Pal?
A reader named Tatum broke up with her ex about a year ago. And a funny thing started happening a few months ago. Not funny ha-ha, per se. Or funny strange, really. But it happened, though. Oh, it happened.
Ahem. One of her ex’s best friends started texting. As “friends.” What is this all about? Well, let’s get started. I’ve got one eyebrow raised, Spock-style, in anticipation of something…”fascinating.”
Hi Jeff. First of all, I love your book. All those situations are funny because they’re true. Second, I’ll start by saying that it’s been a year since my boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me. I’ve recovered from the drama. Well, a few months back, I received a text message from one of his best friends. It was strange because his friends didn’t have my number. Well, he asked how I was doing, and eventually asked me out. He insisted that we’d be “just friends.” I said, “Thanks, but that’s not a good idea.” Afterward, he was saying that I could do better than my ex. Was he trying to say, “You could have me, instead”? Although I hate the ex, I wouldn’t do THAT to him. So out of curiosity, what was his friend actually saying? Once again, the ex’s friends didn’t have my number.
Dear Tatum,
Well…hm…let’s see. What did this man do, eh?
- Many months after his pal broke up with you, he somehow located your phone number.
- Asked you out.
- Said you could do better than his FRIEND who you used to date.
There is no question in my mind, this guy is asking you out. The whole, “It’d just be as friends,” thing is…
Well, I’ll quote Seinfeld, when he was talking about some woman wanting to be “friends.”
“Who wants a friend?”
Come the eff on, Tatum. You know this guy is interested. Why else on EARTH would he have done actual work to contact you after all these months? Trust me, your friend skills just aren’t that highly in demand.
Could it be that he merely always wanted to DO you when you were with Sir Ex-ley? Sure. Totally. All I’m saying is, he ain’t just idly saying “hi.”
WOULDN’T DO WHAT TO WHO?
What puzzles me is your reaction. That you wouldn’t “do that” to your ex. You know, the guy you haven’t been dating in a YEAR. I mean…how would going on a date with this guy be a betrayal of a guy who DUMPED you?
I’m not saying that it might not bother the guy. I’m sure it will. But…er…who cares? He’s yesterday’s news. A whole year has gone by. The guy can’t expect to have an immortal lock on your hiney forever, can he?
No. Say “no” to hiney-locks, Tatum. If you like the guy, go out and see what happens. Again, we don’t know how deep his interest goes, but we know it isn’t just casual.
Ever had an ex’s pal look you up, ladies? How did it go?
Posted: June 12th, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from AnneZ
Time June 12, 2009 at 10:33 am
I wouldn’t want to be around an ex in a social situation either and would not want to re-enter his circle. None of the friends ever appealed to me, anyway.
But if this is a good guy you might otherwise consider, can you afford to pass up a good guy?
Jeff makes it pretty clear this guy went to a lot of effort to find you so the idea he would change his social circle in order to be with you seems very plausible. Especially since he’s already dissing his alleged friend anyway (“you deserve better”). He may have used subterfuge to get your number. How hard is it to casually palm a cell phone that’s laying around, take it to the powder room with you, look up the number, then return it to the guy’s kitchen table? While girls would be incensed by girlfriends behaving this way, boys seem to have a playful one-up element that is acceptable in their relationships.
I find it distasteful to go back to the social circle of an ex but if you otherwise think it’s a good guy that if your aunt introduced you to him you might be interested, I say feel him out over lunch on a Saturday.
Best case scenario, it becomes a great story for your grandkids! Well, BEST case scenario is you also turn it into a mega-grossing screenplay starring John Cusack and Kate Hudson!
Comment from abc
Time June 12, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Jeff, your advice is brilliant as always, however…I personally wouldn’t put myself into dating any ex’es friends either.Not out of some post-break-up-loyalty, but this guy might remind me of my ex often, ( as I hate the ex, and don’t know anything about this guy ), and know him as a source from the ex ! ( this could be just me) … but as Selena put it, if you hate your ex, why put yourself into situations where you could run into him ?
I guess what you did, blowing him off was smart Tatum, whatever your reasons are ! There are plenty of fish in the sea, apart from those dates originating from your ex’s circle !
Comment from Deanna
Time June 12, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Totally happened to me. While I was still dating this guy, his best friend was dropping by at night telling me I could do better than his own best friend! Totally totally clear message there.
Comment from LK
Time June 13, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Clear message, but darn it again the best comments already taken…”what they said”. Ending up hanging around an “ex” where there was “drama” – ugh. However, maybe he ditched the jerk, too, and you could start your own new world – if you were so inclined. Apparently, this came out of the blue, so you weren’t thinking about ‘friend’ post-breakup, but neither did you mention it was the friends who broke you up, so I guess that’s a good sign.
Incidentally, if ‘ex’ gave ‘friend’ the number then he’s clearly done with you, if that’s your hesitation. It means you are free to do as you please. If ‘friend’ got number from elsewhere, he tracked you down, and apparently…well…I think he likes you and has for some tim. Don’t let feelings for ‘ex’ interfere here. But, then again, if you aren’t over ‘ex’, dating anyone who is serious about ya’ might be an issue anyway.
‘Nuff said. Enjoy being the pursued! Sure makes the mirror brighter in the morning!
LK
Comment from KC
Time June 14, 2009 at 6:45 am
I hate to say it but I know of at least 2 friends who are married to the loves of their lives who happen to be the “best friends” of their ex’s. All I’m saying is that you never know…. what’s the harm in testing the waters?
Comment from Onely
Time June 14, 2009 at 3:35 pm
I started dating my ex’s best friend ten years after my ex and I broke up. And that was not enough time between the two. My advice is don’t even go there. The best friend dumped me too and now I imagine them sitting together hanging out and comparing notes about me. Sigh.
Christina
Comment from abc
Time June 15, 2009 at 2:16 pm
KC, that’s great to know ! But I’m sensing the ex and the girl’s broke up on good terms, ie no particular strong ‘hatred’ feelings over there, it only happens when both parties decide to move on, when they find it’s not a good fit ! Ain’t it ?
Comment from Carrie@RelationshipRepair
Time March 21, 2010 at 5:02 pm
So it’s kind of weird but maybe the guy has a crush on you and got up the nerve to text you and try and get a feeling for how you would respond? And he may actually have gotten your number from your ex -stranger things have happened. The real question is to ask yourself if you have any interest in him, irregardless of your ex who has no claim on you anymore.
Comment from Kelly at Postal Gold
Time July 1, 2010 at 7:14 am
I wouldnt mind giong out with an ex’s friend, but it really depends on my relationship with my ex. As others have said, if you really HATE him then you wouldn’t want to be around him, and perhaps some of his lifestyle or personality traits are shared between friends (which is often the case). If you are still friends with your ex (at least a little) then why not!
Comment from Selena
Time June 12, 2009 at 7:32 am
Tatum,
Since you mentioned it twice I think what you are really wondering is if it was your ex who gave him your number. What if it was? What would that mean? Perhaps that your ex was over you enough to not mind one of his best friends going out with you? That idea might not sit well given you still “hate” the ex. Shouldn’t he be regretting treating you badly (a year later) and pining over you in some fashion? Apparently not if he’s giving out your phone number to a buddy who’s interested in you.
Just one possible scenario though. The guy could have gotten your number through someone else you know. Why didn’t you ask him?
I wouldn’t be too keen on going out with one of my ex’s best friends either. Not out of some kind of “post-breakup sense of loyalty” – but because, if I still harbored ill feelings toward the ex why would I want to put myself in a situation where I might have to socialize with him? Maybe this guy was willing to dump your ex as a friend in a heartbeat if you would go out with him though, who knows?
In any event, it’s clear you are not interested in the friend and have blown him off already, so no problem.