Why Would He Have a Mistress for FOUR Years??
Aaaaaand, we’re back. Sorry for the interruption, folks. The new version of WordPress made it all cattywampus for me to format things properly. I hope you’ve used the time away wisely. Gosh, I know I didn’t.
Oh, and before I forget, you should all check out Jennifer Priest’s blog. She’s a life coach who was kind enough to write a review of Manslations: Decoding the Secret Language of Men. Read her stuff and begin loving her immediately, please.
Today, we’ve got a really quick question. Why would a man bother dealing with having an affair for four whole years? Said mistress wants to know…
I came over to the UK and I have been dating a man for almost 4 years and he is married! Why would he do that? What is the point of dealing with a wife and a mistress at the same time.
Dear Taylor,
Well, while you’re wondering, I’ve got to allow my own personal wonderer to try one on for size: Why would YOU do this? I mean, not that I can’t imagine a reason. But let’s be very, very honest with each other, since we’re strangers over the internet and all…
YOU WANT WHAT YOU CAN’T HAVE BECAUSE…
…you don’t really want it. Now, I don’t know why he doesn’t REALLY want to be with either you OR the wife. Could be any number of things.
- The thrill of “getting away with it.”
- Not comfortable in either relationship, so he makes sure he’s too “busy” to question why.
- Imaginary status thing as some kind of a James Bond-ish total bad ass man of mystery and intrigue.
- Big fan of bedroom farces, always wanted to live one out?
I don’t know about that last one. But I’m guessing that one of the others is in there. The main thing when you want to know why someone is doing this: It’s because that THIS is what they want.
I know, duh. But my point is that you seem to be wondering why he’d bother dealing with the hassle of a wife AND a mistress. And what I’d suggest is that that IS the point. The hassle is the point. Either he likes how crazy it feels, he likes what it says about him as a bad ass, or he needs to feel overwhelmed to avoid dealing with reality.
In other words…
IT’S A FEATURE, NOT A BUG
What you assume is a downside is exactly why he’s doing it, or else he’d be doing something easier.
Anyway, the point, Taylor, is that people choose their situations based on where they’re comfortable. Evidently this is how he likes to feel. (Honestly, I can’t relate to this at all. I don’t even like putting on pants in the morning, I can’t imagine actively choosing to be THAT busy.)
Ever known a dude to keep 2 ladies in the air for 4 years? Why’d he do it?
Posted: June 22nd, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from AnneZ
Time June 22, 2009 at 9:38 am
I must agree the bigger question is why SHE would participate in this. Buy yourself a Jennifer Nettles single and muster up the courage to see the light….
Comment from Selena
Time June 23, 2009 at 10:17 am
“What is the point of dealing with a wife and a mistress at the same time.”
Better question: What is the point of being a man’s mistress for 4 YEARS? Why have you wanted to deal with it for this long? There’s your answer.
Comment from Susan
Time June 23, 2009 at 7:49 pm
I agree with all of the ladies above… but what got to me was the comment at the end by you, Master of Technical Wizardry, Jeff, about not liking putting pants on in the morning. That made me laugh. Thank you. I needed that!
Seriously, Taylor, please get out of this relationship. He will not leave his wife, and if by slim chance he did (which he won’t, at least by choice, since this has been going on for 4 years), he is not the mature, respectful kind of man YOU would want to marry.
Comment from LK
Time June 24, 2009 at 5:45 am
Taylor…this man is incapable of giving himself to anything, let alone anyone. Once a cheater, well, not always a cheater but it’s rough to find one who has grown up enough to not do it again. And that is what you would want if you guys ever got together, I’m sure. Consider it a blessing he won’t leave the wife. Maybe even take some pity on her for having to put up with him!
Men like this are emotionally needy yet emotionally stingy, too (how many Christmas and other holidays have you been alone, Taylor?) It’s a horrible, selfish combo and very unflattering in a man-child (hey, thanks for the new word Sassy!)
And these are hard relationships to break off because they are so spontaneous by nature. You have to cut all ties to make a break up work. Sadly, he’ll get the message quickly and find himself a replacement, and the angst will be yours…until….
Mr Wonderful, Sweet, Thoughtful and SINGLE walks into your world. Those British men can be very charming… 
Comment from mmagnolia
Time June 27, 2009 at 11:01 pm
All Dears!
Well….knew of a ‘trio’ [2women+1man] which thrived for decades. The official *GF* knew of the other-woman.
Looking from outside, all three got some good-goods…..altho’ frustrations [there's only 24hours/day!] surfaced. Irony is that the none of ‘em really wanted a dedicated relationship.
Perhaps… when there’s NO deep desire for a one2one scenario, stuff works!
Motivation remains mystery, but–Hey: that’s why Baskin offers great Variety!
Comment from Seductress
Time July 2, 2009 at 10:33 am
Why would a man want a wife and a mistress?
~~~~~~~~~~
Because he CAN
Comment from mmagnolia
Time July 2, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Dear All!
Soooo…. let’s make it a NO-CAN do 4′em!
Sisterhood or… Sayonara!
Comment from Melissa
Time July 3, 2009 at 1:04 am
Perhaps, Taylor,
You DON’T want a committed relationship, contrary to what you *think* you want.
As Jeff is so fond of saying, look at what a person DOES vs. what they say.
C’mon, girl…..you put up with this arrangement 4 years, not months…
What are YOU out of it?
The time has come to ask yourself some hard questions.
Or not.
It depends on what your *true* desires are, and what you may be avoiding on the other side of the coin.
Best,
Melissa
Comment from Melissa
Time July 3, 2009 at 1:05 am
PS My clumsy…..I meant to ask, What are YOU getting out of it?
Comment from over in France
Time July 20, 2009 at 10:17 am
cattywampus is an interesting word but it doesn’t actually exist. You made it up. I mean, now it exists, but it didn’t before. I guess it will quickly spread round the English-speaking world and no-one will remember that Manslator made it. Sigh. Unrecognised in your lifetime.
All of which is to say, more or less, you were MISSED. Come here so we can kiss you! OK, only joking.
Comment from katie
Time March 6, 2010 at 4:43 pm
I love being a mistress I have always been a dramatic chaotic sort so a daily life or daily love would never suit me neither would marriage.I provide much needed vitality and passion which is my own nature.I have no desire for him to leave his wife she is a perfect fit in ways that I could never provide support,understanding,cooking etc.I fufil a different role.If they fight I actively encourage him to sort it out with her and give advice.I would rather be his mistress than anyone’s wife.
Comment from Sayla
Time June 12, 2010 at 7:50 am
In response to Katie: To me, a big issue seems to be that we all try to fit our love relationships into a socially acceptable mould or pattern. Everyone is different, yet we always seem to want ‘what she has’.
I have had an unusual type of relationship for the past two years or so, but by and large it makes me happy.We girls have got into the habit of talking about ‘our needs’ and whether or not they are being fulfilled, an awful lot. Well, I am a very loving person, and I ‘need’ to love someone whom I respect and admire and learn with/from. The people around me often express their astonishment, then rub their ‘regular’ boyfriend or husband in my face, and yet none of them seem to be very happy, and are always complaining about their men.
I see my man for who he is, without blinkers, and I know that I am very much loved. Every now and then I ask myself: “Am I happier in this relationship than I would be without it?” Thus far, the answer has always been: yes.
Comment from Johanna
Time August 6, 2010 at 7:31 pm
Well, guys will never be contented on what they have. They always think that is a plus for them of having two or more girls.
Comment from ntoxk8n
Time September 19, 2010 at 4:28 pm
Hello all. I’m new to this blog. Thanks for welcoming me in. My question is that what if she didn’t know until 4 years later? What if she just found out? Nothing in her letter said that she was with him and all the while knew he was married. Men have a way of being very sneaky and can do so for years….maybe that was the case?
Comment from mmagnolia
Time September 20, 2010 at 9:18 pm
Greetings–All Dears!
Welcome, *ntoxk8n*,
You offer a most titillating footnote!
Yes, on our twentieth hand…
Let’s say She learned after 4years of dateville that He’s a husband.
Let’s say She really! is smitten w/Him.
Thus, She can date other Callers!
That option might define what’s what, and why! Never mind Her prospective poaching; BF/Husband is true Poacher!
BTW….Women also have “a way” of sneakiness. But, too much on anyone’s part is counterproductive!
Dear Taylor,
It’s 15months later! Cheers to hope that Peace of Love already reigns 4YOU!
Comment from Danielle
Time September 28, 2010 at 4:31 pm
Well, I guess that he fell inlove with the lady too, that he keep the relationship that long. Or better yet, he got a company that he did not get from his wife.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time October 2, 2010 at 10:09 pm
Yes, Ms. Danielle!
OK… That’s understandable!
But…Such an arrangement of being “in love” would be less stressful and more productive toward TheBeing “in love” if all parties [Gosh, no more than 4, please!] know that the *other* parties exist!
Cheers to our Left Brains, and to
Ms. Helen Gurley Brown–51 years as a happySpouse to an everhappyDavid!
Comment from Sassy
Time June 22, 2009 at 6:41 am
Golly. Sound like what happened to me when I was married. My husband had a “girlfriend” for 4 years while we were still legally man and wife. Pretty stinky, huh?
After thought and therapy and just single living, I’ve come to the conclusion that he was running back and forth because he is/was unhappy with himself and by having the affair he felt better (“look! I’ve got two women”) and didn’t have to give himself fully emotionally to anyone.
I think that the young lady from the UK should look closely not at his choices, but her choices. Does she not feel worthy enough to have a man who is hers alone? Does she ever contemplate that he is using her for whatever his emotional needs are, regardless of her?
Get out of there, leave that man-child alone and find someone who is worthy of you and all the things you can bring to the table.