Run now, because you’ll just need to run later… and it’ll take a lot longer for you to recognize that need after you’ve been swept into the cycle of emotional/verbal abuse. Keep in mind that the scars from verbal abuse are severe, but they’re psychological — so it’s really hard for your trusted network of friends and relatives to recognize when you’re in trouble because there are no physical bruises to clue them in. It’ll be up to you to see the light besides having the wool pulled tightly over your eyes once you’ve been drawn into that cycle of abuse.

Sorry for the grim advice, but I so wish that someone had shared this insight with me when I was in your shoes.

Good luck and stay strong!

If this guy truly has issues (call said issues what you will – any number of personality disorders are fitting – PAPD, anger-management probs, bipolar-ness, alcoholism – you pick) boundaries will always be crossed as it’s part of the nature of these disorders to be unable to recognize and/or respect said boundaries.

Therefore…only we can decide if someone crossing our lines is worth hanging on to or not.

But any woman (or man – it happens to them too) who feels like she (he) can repair the relationship via overkindness by allowing her (or his) boundaries to be crossed repeatedly probably deserves better.

This is usually referred to as “respect”.

Firstly: PraiseHeaven 4Your miracle of not having “any horror stories”–Alleluia!

Now, 4clarity: Presumption was My presuming 4Myself, NOT projecting on2U!
Simple: My path of abiding, even sorta agreeing with, YourPerspective was the path of MyPresuming that men “can’t Btrusted w/tone setting…”! [My cows are still down yonder on that.] Yep…coulda crammed a *maybe* in, thereabouts! Presuming is, usually, a means2progress, NOT quite a conclusion, Itself!

Lastly, Dear Melissa: Being a Cheerleader of Directness is everGood! Here’s 2presuming…..Peace 4All!

You said, “T’is very helpful! But…if All’s true as Usay, *men* as species can’t Btrusted w/tone setting which is rightlyGood+sweetlyFair!
Not flackint, only presuming [altho' promised Self not 2dabble in presumes].”

I confess I’m alittle confused, here. How did you come up what you presume to be my attitude towards men in general?

Jeff very kindly volunteers his time to assist women who are dealing with men who are behaving problematically in one way or another. My responses are geared to those men.

Certainly not to my husband….or to my Dear Dad, who treats my Mother like a Queen…or my brother who overgives in relationships (I keep telling him to wait and see if his generosity is merited. But what could I possibly know about females? I’m only big sis…), or to either Uncle, who adore their wives, my Aunts…or to (most of) my past boyfriends….or to male friends who became very dear to me over time. I could
go on, I don’t wish to be redundant.

I know I’m very direct in my speaking patterns; I do NOT believe in sugarcoating, you probably have noticed by now

I don’t think we’ll ever be able to understand men 100%, no they us 100%. That is alot of the fun….viva la difference!

Let’s respect those differences, and feel free to offer up clarity, ideas, and examples of what has worked for us in relationships.

While I consider myself fortunate cos I don’t have any horror stories, I do wish that I had a resource like this while I was in my early 20′s. I would have wasted less time with people who weren’t suitable for one reason or another, if I had the benefit of wise women who cared enough to tell it like it is. What I got instead from my well-meaning friends was smoke blown my way….cos they didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

I guess I prefer to rip the band-aid off in one quick move, rather than suffer lots of small “pinches” over a period of time, wondering when it’s all going to be over…

Well, that’s 2 more cents from me.

All my best,
Melissa

T’is very helpful! But…if All’s true as Usay, *men* as species can’t Btrusted w/tone setting which is rightlyGood+sweetlyFair!
Not flackint, only presuming [altho' promised Self not 2dabble in presumes].

Ever…Best of SweetBests 2U2+Your One!

You said, “No flack, Dear Melissa–from This Girl! However: Any Man [Woman!] who consistently looks outside *Self* for “moral tone” can’t help but be a Problematic Prize, in the longterm!”

I was referring to women who have the self regard to expect respectful and fair treatment from others. (Men also deserve this.) I didn’t mean moral tone as in “holier than thou”, which gets obnoxious really fast….self respectors will appreciate and give back to those who treat them well and eliminate those who don’t, thus “setting the tone”.

Hope this helps?

All my best,
Melissa

MerciBouquets, Mss. Melissa/Selena– 4topnotes [hope Ms. Aleta is reading]!

Yep…we can’t go wrong w/truth in love! Mrs. Melissa, Happy 2nd set of 21years!

No flack, Dear Melissa–from This Girl! However: Any Man [Woman!] who consistently looks outside *Self* for “moral tone” can’t help but be a Problematic Prize, in the longterm!
That “ruthless compassion” sorta sounds like a *deafening silence*, but, it makes more food4thought in my bowl!

Sure…All of us from time2time, need hushing on inapt conduct, but handholds on civility/ethics/morality seem counterproductive. A Man [Woman!] can grow2resent dormat behaviors. Similarly…moral tone setting [Tonesetter may feel *superior*, initially...even 4decades] can bloom2B a source of resentment, on both sides of pillow!
Thereby: Who wins; What’s won??

Overall: Goes2show why Honesty [foremost2self] is best policy & protocol.

Happy Honesty 4evr, 2All of Us & Others!

I may get some flack for this, I’m sure, but I’ve found that in most cases it’s the women who set the moral tone of the relationship…deep down, men expect this from us. When we fail to bring this to the table…especially when they feel affection in the beginning .it disappoints them, and they feel inexplicably let down. However, most of them will put up with a doormat until someone more exciting comes along. The woman who was left is really confused, thinking that she did everything she possibly could, what went wrong?

That’s my .02, anyway.

Melissa

Yep.

And it never does any good. Anyone who is allowed to get away with the poor behavior with little in the way of consequences will continue to do it. After all, what incentive do they have to change it? None if they have others making excuses for them.

Compassion? Sure. You can have plenty of compassion for someone. When you are no longer subject to their destructive mechanisms and have placed yourself far removed from their sphere.

I meant “Upon his return, let his consistent behavior convince you.”