manslations

Comment from Maria
Time June 29, 2009 at 8:27 am

I love what Jeff says at the end – about his young mind will be shaped by whatever relationship you end up having… and so will yours. I talk from experience when I say this though: don’t go into this relationship expecting anything emotionally from this guy. I really mean it. Don’t let his “grown up” sounding attitude fool you that he is a peer – he is not. (No doubt he has another side he does not show you…) Think of it as fun, as real, as loving… whatever. Just don’t start thinking it’s more than it is, because chances are, you will get hurt. Keep it fun, keep it light, and know that chances are, it will end before you know it. Have fun while it lasts!

Comment from AnneZ
Time June 29, 2009 at 8:52 am

Wake up. Maggie, I think I got somethin’ to say to you.
I couldn’t have tried any more.

The science is in and this kid’s brain is not fully formed. Fact. Look it up. His sophisticated exterior is wrapped around a teenage brain that does not have its “decision making and consequences” lobes fully formed. He honest to god can’t think this through or have “tried any more.” That’s a huge amount of responsibility for you.

Not to mention the consequences from your side of things. What if there’s an accident? do you want a 20 year old father of your 14 year old’s little brother? When you need emotional support for something, is this a partner you can turn to? Etc.

And, lastly, do you want to forever give up your right to have a fit in six short years when one of your peers starts leering at YOUR son? If you go down this path, your own son will never, ever let you win that argument.

While Jeff’s conclusion that the young man is an adult can’t be argued with, that’s more a legal statement than a scientific one. Real adults do think things through and acknowledge they have a responsibility to others. What is your responsibility to this young man? To your own son? To yourself? Are you prepared to take on the whole load?

Comment from suze
Time June 29, 2009 at 10:33 am

no kidding – I am 46 years old – English teacher – I have a 17 year old son -Just last night I got seriously hit on by a former student who is now in college and found me on Facebook. I thought at first it was a mistake – like maybe he thought he was talking to someone else, but no, he knew it was me. He’s 20. It completely freaked me out. Scared me a little, actually. 20 year olds are looking for every kind of experience, I guess. Ewe.

Comment from Liz C
Time June 29, 2009 at 10:53 am

Anne’s right – anyone under 25 is still a teenager in certain ways.

Comment from skye
Time June 29, 2009 at 3:48 pm

I’ve been faced with a similar situation–he turned 21yo this month and I am 37yo. We are both students…we met in class last term. Each of us just thought it a happy crush that made it more fun to go to class *clears throat*

Then, he started texting and emailing me. We started meeting for coffee between classes and going to movies and dinner. Not unusual behavior for friends…but that’s not all that was/is on our minds.

He doesn’t stress the age gap. I was recently surprised to find out that his family knows the details about me. *I* was the one who was internally freaking out about public perception, but I got over it. We fit in many ways.

The reason we are not giving it a go has nothing to do with age–it’s because he is mono and I am poly. He is self-aware enough to know that he can’t handle the fact that I have a LDR that I intend to foster…and that places his level of maturity above that of many I have dated. So, we will continue to hang out and just enjoy our friendship. Some of my happiest moments are spent laughing with him.

Iswtrhc–I’m not sure that my story helps you at all but I can hope I too have a 14yo son, btw, and I also did the “age difference” math…but in the end, I don’t think it matters as long as *you* can get over it. I agree with other posters that caution is required–protect your heart!–but I think it’s unfair to completely eliminate the possibility that your 20yo is willing and able to have a solid relationship with you. If that’s what you want *hee*

Good luck!!!

skye

Comment from michelle
Time June 29, 2009 at 8:26 pm

Some insightful comments here … I was involved in a relationship with a much younger man (33:21), and I think what is most important is defining what exactly each of you want from it. I do not think age differences are inappropriate as long as you are on the same page, so to speak. After that relationship, I was involved with a man who was in his mid 30s, and he had the emotional maturity of a 16 year old. So … yea. In any event, my 21 yr old friend had told me that he didn’t want to be involved with someone his own age because of exactly what Jeff said (confidence, experience, etc). This 21 yr old man was mature in my eyes, but I was always aware of the fact that what happened between us would have an impression on his future relationships. At the time, we had a sweet and loving relationship which was mutually beneficial in a lot of ways. I never did feel that we were completely on each others level, which is my own ideal – wanting to find someone who is my equal intellectually, emotionally, physically, spiritually … Until I do find such a person, I think it is best to explore relationships that are worth exploring – people need different things at different times. I mean, a relationship with anyone should be something in which you are sharing, learning, and teaching. Honesty, kindness, and laughter are essentially what it should be about, right? In this case, I think as long as you are both clear as to what you want, then it should be cool. Age is a factor, but nothing can be summed up so easily, as there are so many other factors involved.

I know the original question was just asking why guys like older women *in general*, but it helps to have analogies here! Simple question, simple answer: older women can be incredibly hot! It’s crossing the attraction to action in which things get more complex.

Comment from hunter
Time June 29, 2009 at 10:18 pm

The only clear thought in a 20 year old man’s mind is, the act of penetrating a woman.

Comment from Lauren
Time June 30, 2009 at 11:38 am

I think a lot of you are being a little harsh here in judging our 20-year-old love interest. Just assuming based on his age that he’s only looking for a new experience and is just going to break Iswtrhc’s heart is unfair- cautious, sure, but still unfair.

My boyfriend is 20 and I am 25. I’m about to go into a doctoral program and he is still in college. We’ve been together for a year and a half now, and a more true, more loyal man you will never meet. I’m still in shock over how truly perfect (or at least perfect for me) he is. When other women come to me complaining about their husbands or boyfriends- older men who are out of school, have jobs, have kids, whatever- I can only kind of smile to myself and think of how lucky I am, because all of the immature and insensitive things these women are complaining about, my boyfriend never does. He’s the most considerate person I’ve ever met.

I’m not saying any of this to boast or brag, but I’m just saying that it’s possible for someone to surprise you. I’d spent a year before me and my fellow got together, pursuing interests in guys who were older, had careers, etc., and all I found was inconsiderate jerks who didn’t know what they wanted. I was afraid to pursue anything with my guy because I thought I was too old for him. And it just plain wasn’t true. We’ve talked about our age difference, and how it affects our relationship, and we’re being open and honest with each other about how we feel, and what we both want out of the relationship and life in general (marriage, kids, etc.- all when the time comes). Just like any other relationship, the key is to communicate.

Immaturity is somewhat independent of age in my opinion- some people just never grow up. I don’t know this guy you’re interested in and for all I know, the above ladies are right and he’s just looking for a piece of tail. But that doesn’t mean that a 40 year old guy isn’t out looking for the exact same thing.

If you and this guy are adults about the situation and want to go for a real relationship, more power to you. And if your son, when he turns 20, wants to be with an older woman, well what’s wrong with that? If she’s good to him and right for him, where’s the argument?

And while we’re on the subject of age difference, think about this: Why is it acceptable for an older guy to be with a woman much younger than himself, but the reverse is seen as weird or gross? On the flip side, why is it okay for a younger woman to want to be with an older man, but the opposite seems bizarre? Is it because we assume all men really want is a young, nubile woman to have their way with, and all women want is stability and comfort? What’s wrong with this picture?

Comment from hunter
Time June 30, 2009 at 11:16 pm

Lauren, young men with mature women, is a common practice all over Europe.

Comment from ISWTRHC
Time July 1, 2009 at 11:31 am

Everyone thank you for your comments. I’ve decided to give it a go and see what happens. I’ve laid down all my thoughts to him about his age. He’s also willing to try it so we’ll see how it goes. He’s very persistent and has not let up. As much as I want to be optimistic with this, I don’t think this will turn into a serious relationship and I’ve told him that also. He wants me to give him a chance & I will. Like many of you said, safeguard my heart and more importantly his. I so wanna have fun but I also want to come out of this unscathed. Jeff Mac you never, never seem to disappoint. Your advice is right on the spot! Thanks!

Comment from AnneZ
Time July 1, 2009 at 1:02 pm

Thanks so much for letting us know what you decided. Sounds like you have really thought it through. Let us know how it goes!

Comment from European
Time July 1, 2009 at 4:06 pm

hunter, what exactly would be “common all over Europe? With over 700,000,000 people and 50 countries, I highly doubt you’ll find something common all over Europe.

Comment from over in France
Time July 20, 2009 at 10:30 am

When I was 30 I started seeing a guy who was 21. Too big an age gap, yep. But it worked. For 19 years. Fairly blissful relationship. Then he hit 40, turned into a werewolf (figuratively speaking) and literally ran away one night. Now I’m seeing someone six years older than me. Just saying.

Comment from justhangin
Time October 31, 2009 at 1:42 pm

I am dating someone ten years younger than myself. He is 28. That is as low as I will go. 10 years is pushing it but anything more than that is just not to swift. I get hit on by guys in their early 20’s but I just laugh and think that’s cute cause a man who is 23 is not going to be able to have a “relationship” everyone is different in the world. An older man might leave you. A younger man might leave you. It depends on the person and what you are looking for but- that being said. Any man under age 25 is not mature and not of sound mind if that makes sense

Comment from Lady Gogo
Time December 16, 2009 at 8:59 am

“The only clear thought in a 20 year old man’s mind is, the act of penetrating a woman.”

Im going to have to agree with this chap.

Comment from Brian
Time January 12, 2010 at 7:19 am

The darkest aspect of this story is that Mrs Robinson first had an affair with Kirk’s father when he was alive, and promised to look after his son. In the context of this promise, she has behaved like a sexual predator with no respect for appropriate boundaries. Of course Kirk would have been delighted to pleasure such an old woman, but it was the responsibility of Mrs Robinson to clarify the boundaries. It is deeply saddening to see such moral poverty.