Why Such a “Friend”-ly Introduction?
A reader named Tara is with a guy…except in front of his pals. Does this mean Booty Call? Well…maybe.
What does it mean when the guy you are with introduces you to his buddies as “my friend”? As is “this is my friend so and so”, nice to meet you… On top of that the guy only shows public displays of affection (i.e. hand holding/ kissing) when his buddies are not around. Is this a sign that you are in the “booty call” category?
Dear Tara,
Well, it seems to me that there is only one reason why someone would do this, with several variations. What’s the reason?
He wants to make sure that SOMEBODY doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Clearly. Now, the question is, who is that “somebody” in this case, and what’s the “wrong” idea? Could it be that he doesn’t want…
- …you to think you’re dating, or get used to that idea.
- …his buddies to know you’re together because he doesn’t like you that much.
- …his buddies to know that he DOES like you that much.
- …to overstep the bounds of your relationship by calling you “girlfriend” if he doesn’t know if YOU want to be called that.
Well, that or he has a medical issue where if he says the word ‘girlfriend’ he poops himself. There’s always that to consider.
PDA…BUT NOT IN FRONT OF THE BOYS
That’s an interesting clue, there. I mean, he clearly likes being affectionate with you. So why wouldn’t he want them to see that?Well it depends if he likes you or not.
If he likes you…sigh…guys have this thing about admitting how they feel in front of their pals and their families. It can be incredibly annoying, and we will often avoid it like the plague. You’re going to get crap for it, you know it, and so you don’t want to actually tell them anything until…well, until it’s unavoidable. Right around, “Do you take this woman…” if at all possible.
And if he DOESN’T really like you, well, you certainly don’t want to introduce your booty call to your pals and call her girlfriend, and then spend the next two weeks on the phone going, “Dude, no, I just CALLED her that.”
And again, there’s the possibility that he’s not sure how much YOU like HIM, and he doesn’t want to just make that call right there in front of his pals and have you say, “Girlfriend? What the hell are you talking about? I’m his FRIEND, everybody, ok?”
SO….IT COULD BE ANYTHING?
Yeah, I’m sorry, but we just don’t know enough. But here’s how to tell. Don’t go batshit crazy and yell about it. Won’t get you anywhere. Make a joke about it. Next time you’re alone with him after one of those introductions, make a joke about how, “So, er, ‘friend’ huh? You, uh, trying to tell me something there, or what?”
Now, am I saying that this conversation will go well? Who knows? But you’ll know where you stand. Until you know more about his motives, I’m afraid you’re just not going to know. The good news, Tara, is that you’re not going to drive him away like this. If this drives him away, he was already away. That’s how you’ll know that it WAS a booty call. Not the worst thing to know about for sure, you know?
Ever introduced as a friend, pal, or buddy? How did it play out?
Posted: July 1st, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from PQ
Time July 1, 2009 at 3:27 pm
At least you got the “this is my friend (Insert name here)” I usually just get “this is (my name)” and that’s it! Now, I know I’m in booty call so it doesn’t bother me. What Jeff Mac said is totally true. Many times guys do not know what they want so they don’t want to complicate their lives even further by giving you a title. My “friend” is also very affectionate, extremely, hand holding, forehead kissing, hugging playing w/my hair, but it’s only for that moment. I’m cool with that! I enjoy those moments and that’s it! Don’t overanalyze just enjoy!
Comment from Melissa
Time July 1, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Tara,
I don’t believe in “secret” relationships.
It is NOT okay to get all cozy and intimate with you in private, then act as if you’re “just friends” when you’re in the public eye.
I mean, what if one of his friends were to come on to you….how would he deal with that? (Sorry, my byoch is revealing herself….I would call that poetic justice if that ever happened.)
Also, if he recognises you as a “friend” in public, that’s how I would treat him, including in private. You wouldn’t kiss and have sex with friends, or place them as top priority above all else, right?
‘Nuff said.
Good luck to you.
Melissa
Comment from Kristen
Time July 2, 2009 at 6:33 am
” Don’t go batshit crazy and yell about it” LMAO!…I love that. It seems to me the guy is just not sure. Perhaps he is not clear about what he wants or where the relationship is going. When we tell our friends and family about someone suddenly it becomes REAL. He might be a lil uncomfortable with that at this point. Take into consideration how long you have been seeing him, if this is new then this is normal. If you have been dating for a while then I think its safe to say this guy does not want a commitment. Overall talking about it with him is the best advice you can get.
Comment from Seductress
Time July 2, 2009 at 10:30 am
Jeff is right…it could be any number of things preventing him from giving you “girlfriend” title.
The important thing is what do YOU want? Women tend to give, give, give and wait and hope for the man to grant them what they want.
If YOU want a boyfriend/girlfriend exclusive relationship, then I agree with Melissa. Don’t act like his girlfriend in private (kissing/sex…) now that he’s made it clear you are a “friend”.
When a man wants you and only you, he usually has no trouble letting you know it. He wants to make sure there aren’t any other penises around.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time July 2, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Dear Seductress!
..True2That…but, some clarity is missing on whether He’s clear with/about Ms. Tara as being only a “friend”.
And…Hello! There are always “other penises around”! Any Fella’s attempt to limit penises nearby [or, 4us Femmes, vaginas nearby!] is doomed.
Can’t control *Presents* of penises or vaginas. A Lover’s issue = the absence or the presence of any *Interest* in!
Comment from Laura
Time July 2, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Jeff once said in another post or his book, watch what a guy does, not what he says. Just because he’s not always into PDA, doesn’t mean he’s not into you. What does he do for YOU? Just because he doesn’t say sweet nothings, doesn’t mean he’s not into you on a romantic level. My bf says nothing, but shows how he feels by doing tons of stuff for me, above and beyond what a “normal” bf would do. And if you need validation of who you are to him in public, is that your insecurity showing? You need to have “the talk” albeit as Jeff would suggest. Then decide if your needs are being met.
Go get ‘em girl!
Comment from Selena
Time July 10, 2009 at 3:46 pm
I think the answer to this depends on how long they have been dating…or whatever. If it has been less than a month, I can see wanting to avoid the gf “title”. Always seems to me though, the bf/gf designation comes in somewhere between months 1 and 3.
Maybe I’m just jaded, but if you have been sleeping with someone for 2-3 months and they are still referring to you as “a friend” – it’s a signal they are still keeping their options open. Do you know for a fact this guy isn’t dating anyone else?
Comment from batShitCrazy
Time August 5, 2010 at 9:38 pm
I was in a similar situation with a guy – but he was giving me plenty of PDAs all the time in front of his mates and had been seeing him for about a month very frequently, but one day we ran into an old friend of his and he introduced me as “someone he was hanging out with”. Being a hot headed woman, I went batshit crazy and told him he needed to decide if I was his girlfriend or he could watch me walk. He called over another mate and introduced me as “his girlfriend”…. heeeeheee
Comment from mmagnolia
Time August 7, 2010 at 6:54 pm
Dear Ms. “batShitCrazy”,
Congrats on your HailMary pass!
When we step up, t’is a GoodThing– whether we use *bat* or *pup* Stuff!
Bouquets2U! [Cheers...2Jeff & Lady!]
Comment from Kyla
Time September 21, 2010 at 8:32 am
I cannot believe this! What nerve. I think Tara should go join a dating site and say the hell with him!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time June 26, 2011 at 1:52 pm
Dear “online poker marketing”,
Cheers2U…IF your “hehehe” signals applause when someone (daBoy or daGirl) steps up!
Usual flip side is: See you *1*, and Raise you *2* can get cumbersome and problematic and unproductive.
Happy Every HaHa!
Comment from Marni
Time July 1, 2009 at 9:14 am
I’d like to know if Tara and her boyfriend have had “The Talk”…as in, have they discussed being in a relationship. My boyfriend introduces me by my name, but there is no doubting our relationship status. He is affectionate and loving in front of all of his friends and always has been. Anyway, I’d talk to the boyfriend and ask him why he does that. Its either that he’s not that into it, he doesn’t want people to know he’s in a relationship for some reason…and another reason I’ve personally experienced in a past relationship: he is gunshy and afraid to tell his friends in case it doesn’t work out because then he would have to deal with it amoungst his friends. I still think when it comes down to it…if he were really into it, he would not introduce you as a friend. Don’t get mad, but do talk to him.