Why Would this Single Man Leave this Married Woman? Hello?
You know, sometimes the thirds sentence makes you spit out your Irish oatmeal with the blueberries in it. Today was one of those days.
I have been dating this young guy for almost 5 months. Our relationship has been great until today. Well, it wasn’t perfect: I am married and we see each other twice a week only.
Holy crap. Wow, that really isn’t perfect, is it? Do you also describe getting a root canal as, “It was awesome…well, except for the excruciating pain“?
But I was and I am in love with him very much and he was always caring and loving with me too. Today he said he can not keep seeing me any longer. HIs busy schedule, work, school, he said that he loves me but I deserve somebody better than him. So, what is going on here? I just do not understand. Why would anyone dump somebody who he says he loves? I do not think he is cheating on me. Thanks.
Dear Lindsey,
Hm. Let’s see. A young man, involved with a married woman for 5 months…uh…then stops seeing her…hm. Why would he end it? Well, I’m stumped.
Ok, I’m being flip about it, but seriously, Lindsey. Come on. There are two things that are true of affairs like yours.
- There really isn’t much chance of a full, complete, true relationship breaking out while one of the people is married, and…
- Both people KNOW that, accept it, and that’s why they’re there.
So the reason why he’s ending it? Well, it’s more of a question of why he started it? Because that’s what he was in the market for. He was looking for an AFFAIR. Very different from looking for a RELATIONSHIP. As in, an affair is a part time deal. A relationship is a commitment.
BUT WHY WOULD HE SAY….?
I’m not even going to get into the specifics of the reasons he gave you for the breakup. These are always major bullsquish (thank you Darrin Fitzgerald for that term.) Always. And that’s not a guy thing, it’s a human thing. Anytime someone dumps you and gives you ANY reason other than, “I’d rather be apart from you than with you,” they aren’t being honest. (And thank god — who wants to hear THAT when you’re getting dumped, right?)
In your guy’s case, he was trying to soften the blow. He’s too busy, you deserve better — it’s all just versions of, “It’s not you it’s me.”
VERDICT: THE BELL TOLLED FOR THEE
I’m sorry that this happened, Lindsey, but the reason he broke up like this was that the relationship wasn’t working for him anymore. It was before, but it isn’t now. It was just time. Time for him to move on.
And not for nothing, but given the parameters of your relationship, it almost had to happen. I mean…who wants to be with someone who is married to someone else…forever?
Good luck, Lindsey. I’m sorry about this, but it seems the answer is that, regardless of what he said, he was done.
What do you think, ladies? Seem pretty clearcut here?
Posted: July 3rd, 2009 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from AnneZ
Time July 3, 2009 at 8:55 am
Yay, Debra! I felt the same!
Comment from abc
Time July 3, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Debra, I read it but I didn’t see the humor in it, until you pointed it out !
Thanks for the hearty laughter I had ! 
Comment from mmagnolia
Time July 3, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Dear Lindsey,
Deep sympathy 2U–possibly, especiallyU!
Regardless if a wound is self-inflicted, we bleed when we bleed. Sooo, sympathy and empathy = rightful. Heartache seems real, regardless the source!
The theory that honor exists amongst thieves can apply here; One’s married, Other’s unmarried. It’s n-o-t unrealistic, illogical that one-of-two would be afflicted if *One* indulged in extra cheatery.
Best [!oxymoron!] cheating is intangible, not so much mechancal!
BTW, Ms. Lindsey, step into His topsider: If marriage is problematic 4U, imagine His problems with Your *arrangements*!
This episode can give good hindsight for when love/lust angels float near!
Rainbow = Love & Learn, 2Live!
Comment from maria
Time July 3, 2009 at 10:28 pm
ugh, what a horrible situation. You should be grateful, Lindsey, that this ending with relatively little pain and inconvenience for you.Don’t look back, breathe a sigh of relief.
Comment from ONely
Time July 5, 2009 at 4:17 pm
You saw each other “only” two times a week? Seeing someone two times a week seems like a huge commitment and time-suck to me even if he’s the only man in your life, much less the auxiliary man.
Christina
Comment from mmagnolia
Time July 5, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Dear-Dear ONely/Chrstina!
Whoa…not Giddyup!
Got an alternate theory on twice weekly visitations being “a huge commitment”.
(1) *Huge* lives on turf of “commitment”!
(2) Love&Happiness is a *human* basic need [in itself, not a bad 4-letter word!]!
Really, 1+2 =
(3) Either One is committed R One is n-o-t!
Understanding, sure–that dealbreaker stuff happens, but can’t Bsorta pregnant; can’t Bhaving non-”huge” commitment.
Possible?…Ms. Lindsey fantasized Her SingleMister as NextHubby!
We’ll let liaison be liaison, commitment be commitment….. and twain shall never meet on our watch!
Cheers 2chilling… w/frozen grapes!
Comment from Selena
Time July 10, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Well in the scheme of things 5 mos. isn’t really that long. Long enough though, to get tired of being “the other man”; the twice-a-week guy; for the novelty of dating a married woman to have worn off; to start feeling embarrased about the whole thing; to become interested in another woman who is single. Possibly all of the above.
Lindsey, you are better off using this let-down as the kick you need to do what you should have been doing instead of having an affair: Focus On Your Marriage. Either on ways you could try to improve it, or being honest about ending it.
Comment from hunter
Time July 14, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Lindsey doesn’t say if she spent any time with this man in bed.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time July 14, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Howdy, *hun*!
…Good point…seems most of us went over That cliff!
Given, Umention it: On another pillow, Your “spent any time with this man in bed” also is General, Coloneldear!
What’s Your “in bed” about? Coulda been reading tomes, sharing munchies!
MayB Fella got tired of scrapping crumbs!
Hooray, U’re back! Merci4Lesson!
Happy Testing!
.
Comment from Seductress
Time August 3, 2009 at 7:34 am
In bed or out of bed, the relationship was innapropriate to say the least and as Jeff mentioned began with no where to really go.
Why did he leave? Who knows, but it was a smart move on his part.
Comment from Melissa
Time August 6, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Holy Moly Lindsey!
Is there really a mystery here?
Women “typically” cheat for one of two reasons:
1. Important needs not being met.
2. Revenge – he did it, so I will, too.
You haven’t shared the following:
1. How long you’ve been married.
2. Is this your first affair.
3. Are you planning to STAY married.
Boy wonder either got tired of being #2, decided that the novelty of an illicit relationship has run its course, or met a single lady who piqued his interest. He couldn’t afford to get very attached to you, and did the right thing by ending it.
What needs did he REALLY fulfill, or was this a game to you?
The important question you should be asking yourself is: Is your marraige worth saving? If so, get busy. Outside assistance is needed at this point. If there are basic incompatibility issues, perhaps it’s not salvageable. Do the right thing for you and your husband and end it NOW. (Agreeing w Selena on that latter point.)
There is alot of satisfaction and fulfillment to be had in life Lindsey, however, we have to position ourselves so we can claim it.
Good luck to you, and keep us posted on your progress.
Melissa
Comment from dorothy
Time October 5, 2009 at 3:57 pm
I think the furthest a married woman can go is having a platonic relationship (Non romantic). Just love your husband…no one can love you as he does…
Comment from Laura
Time October 6, 2009 at 2:39 pm
This sucks. I think you probably feel like you will be lonely if he breaks up with you because, chances are, you aren’t in a totally supportive relationship with your husband, and, you probably can’t talk to your friends/family about this. I think you probably just have to accept his decision because you can’t change your situation in the short-term (divorce is a long, messy, drawn-out process). Honestly, I think you have to deal with this like any other break up. Ice cream, chocolate, wine. Then after the initial shockwave is over, you’ll have to start dealing with the rest. Good luck! You’re not alone! Lots of people go through this. The important thing is to find a path that WILL make you happy, because it does exist. By the way, I’ve been on the totally evil side of this coin (the other-woman), and I have to agree with Jeff. People who seek out married individuals are usually not seeking a healthy comitted relationship.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time October 6, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Dear Ms. Laura,
Yes! there is a “path” , and it’s best when paved with SIMPLY *being* happy!
Yes! there are two sides of a coin, usually!
Let me be angel’s advocate of *Love is a many-splendored thing*! Relations are multi-dimensional, usually and distinctly.
Possibly…Usually: Folks “who seek out married individuals are usually not seeking a healthy comitted relationship”.
However: Definitions of health and commitment within relationships differ from person2person and, even, within the same relationship–from time2time!
Oops!: Am absolutely disagreeing on existence of a “totally evil side”…even on our womanly side of Heaven!
Surviving challenge is a perpetually Good thing, and….so is LOVE!
Comment from debra
Time July 3, 2009 at 8:02 am
I can’t stop laughing at the last line of Lindsey’s letter. “I don’t think he’s cheating on me” LOL!!! Seriously?! Because that would have been a deal breaker for you?